


"BORED"

by AliceVorhaus



Category: Sherlock (TV), Sherlock Holmes & Related Fandoms
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Bisexual John Watson, Comedy, F/M, Gay Sherlock Holmes, Group Chat Fic, Group chat, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Kidnapping, Implied/Referenced Murder, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Mycroft is kind of an asshole, Sherlock Texting, Slow Burn, Texting, but he's not all that bad I promise, chat room, everyone ships Johnlock, i guess, well it's not a comedy comedy but I sure do try to be funny sometimes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-25
Updated: 2019-02-06
Packaged: 2019-07-02 10:26:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 75,273
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15794631
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AliceVorhaus/pseuds/AliceVorhaus
Summary: Sometime between The Hounds of Baskerville and The Reichenbach Fall, Sherlock... gets bored. And what's the best cure to boredom? Making a group chat! Where he can complain to John, Lestrade, Mycroft and Molly about how bored he is, and give them a little insight into his cases when he isn't that bored. The group chat soon becomes a part of everyone's everyday life, as they collectively babysit Sherlock, discuss "psychopath" girlfriends, talk about human emotions (and Mycroft's possible lack thereof), and... solve cases together?





	1. Time flows strangely on Sundays

**Author's Note:**

> Hey there! This is a silly fanfiction I started writing ages ago, and found again recently. I kind of had fun reading it??? so here I am, giving it a continuation. (The first few chapters are kinda worse because I wrote them longer ago, I think). I just wanted to point out that I'm not a native English speaker, so I might mess up a lot (particularly when trying to sound British lol). That being said, I welcome corrections, because I would love to get better! I also welcome criticism regarding the content of the fic, and any ideas you might have for things you'd like to see happen in the gc!

**Sherlock** ’s phone.

_A Sunday evening like any other._

 

**“BORED”.**

_You created this group chat._

_You changed the group chat name to_ “BORED”.

_John joined this group chat._

_Lestrade joined this group chat._

_Mycroft joined this group chat._

**John:** Um… Hello?

 **Lestrade:** What is this?

 **Sherlock:**  A group chat, you geniuses.

 **Lestrade:** Yeah, ok, genius, but why did you make it?

 **Sherlock:** Isn’t it obvious enough? Because I’m bored.

 **Mycroft:** I am a bit too busy for this, brother mine.

 **Sherlock:** If you are, then why even bother texting?

 **Lestrade:** Do you really have nothing to do, Sherlock?

 **Sherlock:** Lestrade, if you keep asking obvious questions you’ll lose your title of less stupid member of Scotland Yard.

 **John:** I thought you had a case about some necklace vanished in strange circumstances?

 **Sherlock:** Yes, clear as day, solved it this morning while you were grocery shopping, I’m bored NOW.

 **John:** Right. And this is what you decide to do.

I bet you’ll get sick of this group in less than a day.

 **Sherlock:** Then let’s see it as an experiment! To test my... endurance.

 **John:** In social matters? It’s not very high.

 **Lestrade:** A group chat with Sherlock. Maybe it’ll be funny.

 **Mycroft:** “Funny” isn’t the word I would use.

 **Sherlock:** The point isn’t to be funny. I just want to stop being bored.

_You changed the profile picture._

**Lestrade:** Hahahahaha, what did I just say about it being funny?

 **John:** SHERLOCK! When the hell did you take that picture of me?

 **Sherlock:** You were so focused on writing your little blog. Look at the wrinkles on your forehead, you only get those when you write.

 **Lestrade:** HAHAHAHA why is it so zoomed in?

 **Sherlock:** To remove all irrelevant elements.

 **John:** For God’s sake.

 **Lestrade:** Hey, John, look at that. He’s just called your face a relevant element. Isn’t he nice.

 **Mycroft:** Seriously, Sherlock? I don’t want to have to look at a close-up of doctor Watson’s face whenever I open this group chat.

 **Sherlock:** Then don’t open it.

_Molly Hooper joined this group chat._

**Lestrade:** I added Molly!

 **Molly:** Hi?

 **Sherlock:** Why did you?

 **John:** Sherlock!

 **Sherlock:** What?

 **John:** What do you mean "what"? Don’t be rude.

Hello, Molly.

 **Molly:** Oh, hi boys!

What’s up with John’s super-zoomed-in face?

 **Lestrade:** I added her so she would join the fun, obviously.

 **Sherlock:** Was that rude? It wasn’t.

 **John:** Yes it was.

 **Lestrade:** Yes it was.

 **Molly:** Um… Well, I agree, it was.

 **Sherlock:** Oh, for God’s sake.

 **John:** Endurance test: failed.

 **Sherlock:** What crossed my mind when I made this group chat?

 **John:** I think you were bored.

 **Sherlock:** Thank you, John.

 **Mycroft:** Ah, the sophisticated art of blatant, unfunny sarcasm.

 **Sherlock:** Oh. Not so busy now, Mycroft?

No, wait, I got it. You’re at the dentist.

 **Mycroft:** Correct. It took you a while. Are you getting slow?

No reply? Did I hurt your pride?

 **Sherlock:** John, we’re out of milk.

 **Mycroft:** Ignoring a text you clearly read is too childish even for you.

 **John:** I’m at Lena’s. Can you get the milk yourself, just once?

 **Sherlock:** Ah, your girlfriend. Now that you bring her up, her last boyfriend issued a restraining order for her and she is quite possibly a psychopath. Pretty sure she killed her cat. Did you really not get a single hint?

 **John:** Very funny, but I’m not gonna go home. Buy the milk.

 **Sherlock:** Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

 **Molly:** Poor cat!

 **John:** Oh come on, Molly. It’s not true.

 **Lestrade:** How on earth do you make those guesses? Is that even true? I want to see that girl now. Just to know what a cat killer psychopath looks like to you.

 **John:** If you want to see what a psychopath looks like, look no further than Sherlock Holmes.

 **Sherlock:** For the last time, they’re not GUESSES, they are deductions, and yes, of course it’s true.

 **Lestrade:** Yeah, yeah. Are you sure you’re not just a stalker? How else would you know about the restraining order?

 **Sherlock:** How are you so... thick-headed? I can’t believe you actually work at NSY.

 **Lestrade:** Woah, alright, mate, I get it, I’m dumb and you’re clever. What’s this Lena girl’s last name though? Maybe I can look her up... The restraining order should show up.

 **John:** Lestrade, for God’s sake!

 **Sherlock:** You want him to do it, admit it.

 **Lestrade:** Ok fine, no looking her up.

But I do want to see her. Can you introduce me? See what someone who killed their cat looks like?

_..._

John?

We’re just joking around, come on

 **Sherlock:** Sorry, John, I didn’t mean to insult you for not being bright enough to suspect her. I understand that you’re just slightly blinded by the combination of insecurities that led you to try to fill your existential void with new flings.

 **John:** Shut up for a minute, will you.

_..._

**Molly:** What if we change the subject?

 **Lestrade:** Not a bad idea.

 **Molly:** How are you, John? You had some sort of accident recently, didn’t you? Haven’t had the chance to ask you about it.

 **Lestrade:** I went to Baker Street yesterday, he looked well.

 **John:** I _am_ better, thank you Molly. But I won’t be working next week, my leg is still recovering.

 **Molly:** Oh, I see.

How did it even happen?

 **John:** Oh, you know, the typical. Sherlock decides it’s a great idea to jump from the top of a 2-story building. He nails the landing. I do not. He dramatically fights a criminal, swishing his coat around, while I am in pain on the ground because I can’t move my leg.

And he only realizes that five minutes later.

 **Molly:** Well, ouch.

 **Sherlock:** Hardly my fault you don’t know how to survive a tiny little fall.

 **John:** Entirely your fault that you assumed I did! And ignoring me afterwards, that’s your fault, too.

 **Sherlock:** I wasn’t ignoring you. I didn’t even realize it, as you’ve just said.

 **Molly:** OOOook, boys, I think we should all relax now.

So are you doing ok now, John?

 **John:** Yeah. The damn limp is annoying though, really annoying. Reminds me of the time when I was just back from Afghanistan.

I had to get some crutches from the hospital, too. Kind of hate them. I don't know what happened to my cane, should be somewhere in my room, but… well, it’s not.

 **Molly:** That’s quite odd, right?

 **Lestrade:** Quite odd? Have you SEEN how messy their flat can get? Wouldn’t be surprised if they lost track of where the bed is.

 **Sherlock:** It’s a shame the limp isn’t psychosomatic. This time running after a taxi won't solve anything.

We can try if you want to, though.

 **Lestrade:** Ohh… Almost forgot about that! The time I met John. Back then I didn’t even notice that John’s limp had disappeared, you know, when we were in the drugs bust in your flat.

 **Sherlock:** That’s not a surprise, you never notice anything.

 **Molly:** Slow down, a drugs bust? Really?

 **John:** Long story.

 **Molly:** But you didn’t find any drugs… did you?

 **Sherlock:** It was just an excuse for Lestrade to bother me.

 **Lestrade:** There was a pretty high chance you had murdered a woman, actually, but word it however you want.

And it’s not like Sherlock would be the last person on Earth to be in possession of drugs.

 **Sherlock:** Sorry, what are you now, Mycroft #2?

 **Lestrade:** What, because I care about that?

 **Sherlock:** Yes. Because you care about that.

 **Molly:** We all care, Sherlock.

 **Sherlock:** Whatever.

Chat about whatever you please, I don’t seem to be in control of this group chat anymore.

And enjoy your wonderful date, John.

 **Lestrade:** Someone’s pissed...

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 **Molly:** Anyone there? Now I’m the one who’s bored.

 **Lestrade:** I’m here.

Who would’ve thought we’d all be... flocking back to Sherlock’s little group chat.

 **Sherlock:** Here too. I was doing an experiment but the microwave exploded.

 **John:** The microwave WHAT???

SHERLOCK

Wait a minute.

I see what you’re doing.

I’M NOT GOING HOME! Stop trying! And buy the damn milk.

 **Lestrade:** So that’s what you do when you’re bored, Sherlock? You try to spoil John’s dates?

 **John:** Yes. He does.

 **Sherlock:** No I don’t. John’s dates spoil themselves.

 **Molly:** I’m lost. So the microwave didn’t explode?

 **Lestrade:** I don’t think so. That microwave has been the subject of too many experiments, but it was still fine the last time I visited Sherlock and John. Strong and sturdy!

 **Molly:** John and Sherlock’s microwave, the real hero.

 **Mycroft:** I am starting to realize some things that make me glad I don’t live with my brother anymore.

 **Sherlock:** The problem is you’re starting to realize them now. And you call me slow...

 **Lestrade:** Does anybody really know what happens in 221B Baker Street?

I mean apart from poor Mrs. Hudson.

 **Molly:** I don’t have a clue, personally.

 **John:** Mycroft probably has cameras.

But yeah, I don’t know. I don’t have a clue either. And I live here.

 **Sherlock:** Don’t worry. It isn’t surprising from you lot to not have a clue about something.

 **John:** Sherlock.

 **Sherlock:** Oh, what, I have been rude again?

 **Lestrade:** We’re used to it, no worries.

 **Sherlock:** You see, John? They’re used to it. You don’t need to interrupt your stellar date to scold me.

 **John:** Great. Then I’ll leave that to Mycroft from now on.

 **Mycroft:** That is not my job, John. And thank God it isn’t.

 **John:** Well it isn’t mine either. And you’re his big brother!

Well… then maybe you, Greg?

 **Lestrade:** Oh, no, mate, not my division.

 **Sherlock:** Greg. _Greg_. I had forgotten again.

 **Molly:** Did his mum never scold him when he was a child?

 **Mycroft:** Excuse me, my brother’s manners are not our mother’s fault.

 **Molly:** Oh, um… sorry? No offense. Sorry.

 **Sherlock:** Stop talking like I’m a baby you have to take care of.

 **Lestrade:** You act like one!

 **Sherlock:** Bah.

 **Molly:** A really clever baby.

 **Lestrade:** That just sounds weird, Molly.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 **Sherlock:** Still boooooorrrrrrred.

 **John:** Please, don’t shoot the wall again this time.

 **Molly:** Has he ever… You know what, nevermind, stupid question.

 **Sherlock:** Finally, a little self-awareness.

How’s your date going, John?

 **John:** It’s going fantastically.

Lena is having a shower right now.

 **Lestrade:** Restrain yourself and don’t interrupt.

 **John:** Gross, Greg.

 **Lestrade:** Hey!

 **Sherlock:** Still not giving up on the psychopath, then?

 **John:** She. Is. Not. A. Psychopath. Can you stop implying bad things about my girlfriends?

 **Sherlock:** Oh, I’m not implying anything, I am fully confirming it. I bet psychopathy, narcissism, and a little bit of a murderous instinct weren’t among the list of things you look for in a potential partner.

 **Lestrade:** Sherlock, that sounds like a description of yourself.

 **Mycroft:** It does. Are we sure those things are not in John’s list?

 **John:** Oh come on, so she’s not just a psychopath anymore? You’re just making things up at this point. Look. First of all, I do NOT have a list of things I look for in a woman.

 **Sherlock:** Not materially, which doesn’t mean it does not exist.

 **John:** Second of all, she is NOT a psychopath, or a narcissist, or a potential murderer.

And lastly, I’m going to turn off the phone.

 **Sherlock:** Pfft. No you’re not.

 **Lestrade:** Sherlock, did you make this chat just to share all your domestics with us?

 **Molly:** I’m uncomfortable…

 **Lestrade:** Why? This is really funny.

 **John:** Definitely going to turn it off.

 

**“John”.**

_Status: Online._

**Sherlock:** John.

John.

John.

John.

John.

John.

John.

John.

John.

_Status: -_

 

**“BORED”.**

**Sherlock:** He is no longer online.

 **Lestrade:** You mean John?

What about that?

 **Sherlock:** I don’t know. Did he actually turn his phone off?

 **Lestrade:** Are you actually surprised?

 **Mycroft:** Oh, he is upset, my poor little brother.

 **Sherlock:** No.

 **Molly** : Just let John enjoy the moment. I bet she’s not that bad!

Right?

Sherlock, do you actually think she’s dangerous? I’m kind of scared for John now.

 **Sherlock:** She wouldn’t be the most dangerous person he’s ever spent an evening with.

 **Lestrade:** The most dangerous one being you, I suppose?

 **Sherlock:** Are you out of the dentist already, Mycroft?

 **Mycroft:** On my way home. When did you start being interested about me?

 **Sherlock:** Just bored.

 **Mycroft:** Yes, I see, that is the whole point of this group chat, isn’t it.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 **Sherlock:** John is online again.

 **Mycroft:** And… you said that in the group conversation solely to avoid talking directly to him and keep your pride intact, how interesting.

 **John:** Yeah, alright, I’m here again.

 **Lestrade:** Nothing to say about your date?

_…_

**John:** She got… a bit heated up.

 **Lestrade:** In the sexy way?

 **John:** In the dangerous way.

 **Molly:** I was worried about you, John! Did you get home safe?

 **John:** Yep. I mean, I’m still on the way there, actually, but hopefully she isn’t following my cab or anything.

 **Molly:** Was she really a psychopath?

 **John:** I’m not one to get scared easily but. You know. She was being a little. Weird.

Also she kind of kept knives everywhere in her house, under the pillow too.

I mean, you do too, Sherlock. But it’s different. You warned me first.

 **Molly:** Really, did he? That sounds strangely nice of him.

 **John:** Also, I’m pretty sure she killed her cat.

 **Sherlock:** Not interested in her, then?

 **John:** Of course not.

_…_

**Sherlock:** So I was right.

 **Lestrade:** Sherlock, you know he’s not going to literally say that.

 **Mycroft:** What a wonderful showcase of pride.

 **Sherlock:** You’re not one to talk about pride, Mycroft.

 **John:** I agree with that.

I’ll buy the milk before I get home.

 **Sherlock:** I already bought it.

 **John:** Really?

 **Sherlock:** Yes.

Boredom makes people do silly things.

 **John:** Surprising regardless. When did you buy it?

 **Sherlock:** Don’t know. Time flows strangely on Sundays. Shortly after you told me to do it.

 **John:** Then why did you want me to go home? You already had the milk.

 **Sherlock:** Well, you know.

Obviously, it was on your behalf, I was just trying to convince you about Lena’s condition. Your life was quite literally in risk.

 **John:** Yes, I suppose you can say that.

 **Molly:** Happy ending, then?

 **Lestrade:** Happy ending!

 **Mycroft:** Oh, my God. I don’t even know why I keep reading the incoming messages of this group.

 **Sherlock:** Yes, you do.

 **Lestrade:**  Let me guess. Overprotective big brother who wants to know all about his little brother’s whereabouts?

 **John:** That’s pretty much it, yeah.

 **Molly:** You were kind of right about this being funny, Lestrade.

 **Lestrade:** Yeah, right?

You can call me Greg, by the way.

 **Molly:** Um… OK, Greg!

 **Sherlock:** Better go to sleep now, all of you. Your sleep patterns are too fragile for this.

 **Molly:** It _is_ getting late. Good night everyone then!

 **Lestrade:** Good night.

 **John:** Good night.

 **Sherlock:** Bah.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! I'd be SO happy if you left a comment and let me know there's someone out there reading this dumb little fic.


	2. Laughing in the middle of a morgue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's now Monday. Sherlock disappears briefly, someone is in a compromising position and it's someone's birthday soon!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so in this chapter we switch from Sherlock's phone to John's phone for no apparent reason, but ignore that

**John** 's phone.

_The next day! Monday morning!_

 

 

 **Molly:** Good morning everybody!

 **Greg:** Almost forgot this chat’s photo was John’s zoomed-in face. Good morning.

 **John:** Good morning too.

 **Sherlock:** Why do you all say that? The course of the morning will remain the same regardless of the “good morning” wishes.

 **John:** It’s called education, Sherlock.

 **Molly:** I always say hello to everyone in all of my group chats...  

I just wanted to… cheer you guys up a little?

 **Greg:** It’s ok, don’t worry, Molly.

 **Molly:** Thanks for being my ally Greg, haha.

 **Sherlock:** John, go downstairs and ask Mrs. Hudson to make breakfast.

 **John:** I’m upstairs you know, you don’t need to text me.

 **Sherlock:** If I wanted to go upstairs to tell you such an irrelevant thing, I would have made the same effort to go downstairs and tell Mrs. Hudson myself.

 **John:** Oh, then here’s a wild idea: why don’t you do it? Her room is closer to you than to me.

And there’s my damn limp!

 **Mycroft.:** Why are you all so chatty? Don’t you have work to go to at this time of the day?

 **Sherlock:** No clients yet, “minor position in the British Government”.  

 **Mycroft.:** Oh, yes, I momentarily forgot that you don’t have a real job.

 **Sherlock:** Even _you_ ask me for help because of my “not-real job”.

 **John:** What a beautiful morning to read the Holmes brothers’ little rows.

 **Molly:** I’m going to the morgue. Again, good morning to all of you!

 **Sherlock:** See? There’s someone who has a real job! I’m sure anybody would prefer to go to a morgue every day.

 **John:** Well, you actually go to the morgue pretty often… to spend your time hitting corpses, mostly…

 **Sherlock:** Still part of my job.

And quite more fun.

 **Greg:** Is no one going to respond to Molly?

Good morning, Molly.

I’m going to work, too.

_..._

**Sherlock:** John?

Jooooooohn?

Jjjjjjjooooohhhhhhnnnnnnn.

 **John:** Yeah, okay, I’ll go and tell Mrs. Hudson. Give me one sec.

 

 

* * *

 

 

**“Sherlock”.**

_Status: -_

**John:** Where the hell have you gone?

Seriously, it’s been like an hour, I honestly expected you to show up at the door a minute later asking me to go with you, you do that sort of thing.

_…_

You’re doing cases solo now, is that it?

I may have a limp but that doesn’t mean I can’t help you.

**…**

Alright, well. No point, I see.

 

**“BORED”.**

**John:** I’m sorry to bother, but has anybody seen Sherlock?

 **Greg:** I haven’t.

 **Molly:** Me neither, why?

 **John:** I came back from the shop and he was reading something on his laptop, but suddenly he shut it closed, jumped in the air and put on his coat while yelling about a case.

I asked if I could help but he left without a word.

 **Greg:** Well, that’s the kind of things Sherlock does, are you still surprised?

Anyway, he hasn’t been around here, but I’ll tell you if I see him.

 **Molly:** When was that?

 **John:** More than an hour ago.

He won’t answer the phone.

 **Mycroft.:** Did my brother get lost? Not even letting him near his flatmate will help keep him under control...

 **John:** I’m not his nanny!

 **Greg:** I don’t think he has gotten into trouble, don’t worry.

 **John:** I’m not worried, it’s just that, I don’t know.

He _always_ gets into trouble, though.

 **Mycroft.:** You may not be his nanny but you sure sound like you are.

 

 

* * *

 

 

**“Sherlock”.**

_Status: Online._

**Sherlock:** Come on, John. I never do cases solo. Anymore.

_*sends location*_

 

**“BORED”.**

**Sherlock:** I’m on a case! And not lost, Mycroft.

 **John:** So finally! Which case?

 **Sherlock:** Sent location. Come and I will explain.

Could be dangerous, a murder will take place in the next four hours in the exact place I’m standing on.

 **John:** I’m coming!

 **Greg:** Are you sure, Sherlock?

 **Sherlock:** I’m always sure.

 **Greg:**  Need any help?

 **Sherlock:** Oh, yeah, well, maybe you’ll have to be here to arrest the murderer. No hurry. We can handle it. I’ll call.

 **Molly:** Good luck, boys! And John, watch your leg.

 **John:** Thanks, Molly, but my leg is okay.

 **Mycroft.:** Be careful, little brother.

 **Greg:** Just curious, does he ever listen to you when you tell him to be careful?

 **Mycroft.:** No. Not ever.

 **Greg:** That’s what I thought.

 **Mycroft.:** At this point, it’s as useful as wishing someone a good morning every day. Which is to say not at all. Mere courtesy.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 **Molly:** Any news about the case?

 **Mycroft.:** Thank God my brother is not stupid enough to enable the sound notifications on his mobile phone while on a case, because texts like yours, Molly Hooper, could have basically ruined everything.

 **Molly:** Um… I’m… sorry?

 **John:** Mycroft, we know that you’re always trying to make people feel bad someway, but take a break.

 **Mycroft.:** What am I now, a heartbreaker? People’s sensibilities are not my fault but theirs.

 **John:** Whatever, we caught the culprit. Greg said he’s on his way.

 **Greg:** I am.

 **Molly:** Oh, good. I hope everything goes alright.

 **Sherlock:** Don’t worry, there is no way he escapes. He’s in a compromising position. Literally.

 **Molly:** What do you mean?

 **John:**   _*sends picture*_

 **Molly:** ... Great, now I’m really struggling not to start laughing in the middle of a morgue. 

 **Greg:** How the hell did you do that to him?

 **Molly:** It looks like a yoga position gone wrong.

 **Greg:** Now I'm more scared of yoga than I've ever been before.

 **Molly:** Why were you scared of yoga to begin with?

 **Sherlock:**  Shut up, you two. Thank you. He fell downstairs due to the surprise he experienced when he saw us both appear, I would say, and then… well, I found appropriate to make sure he couldn’t move. Didn’t give me any trouble.

 **John:** I thought I could help him with a rope or something, but it wasn’t actually necessary.

 **Mycroft.:** You keep surprising me every day, dear brother.

 **Greg:** I don’t think he’ll ever stop. 

And that scares me.

 **Molly:**  It _is_ scary.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 **Sherlock:** Boooooooooooooorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrred.

Anybody there?

Where are you, John?

Don’t tell me you’re on another date.

 **John:** Of course not! I’m shopping.

 **Sherlock:** Shopping? What for?

 **John:** It’s Mrs. Hudson’s birthday this Wednesday, remember?

 **Sherlock:** Oh, yes, we’re supposed to give her some sort of present, aren’t we?

 **John:** It’d be nice, yes.

 **Greg:** What are you going to get her?

 **John:** I’m not the one with the ideas. Sherlock?

 **Sherlock:** I’m not the one who gives birthday presents. Why’d you go shopping if you don’t know what to get her, anyway?

 **Molly:** Oh, you two are discussing birthday presents like normal people do?

 **Greg:** Isn’t it surprising? You’d think they’d be talking about corpses and milk all the time.

 **Molly:**  Just give her some nice clothes?

 **Sherlock:** Boring.

 **Molly:** Perfume?

 **Sherlock:** Even more boring, Molly, Jesus.

 **Greg:** Why don’t you give her something useful, an everyday kind of object.

 **Sherlock:** Mrs. Hudson herself is a storage of useful objects, that won't work.

 **John:** She’s like Mary Poppins.

 **Molly:** Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!

_…_

_…_

**Molly:** OK, sorry.

 **Greg:** Hah, let me guess, a birthday present is one of the bigger mysteries Sherlock has had to face.

 **Molly:** Hmm… I doubt she’s into technology…

 **John:** She isn’t very tech savvy, but she seemed to enjoy the laptop we gave her that one time. For Christmas.

In fact, you’ve just given me an idea.

 **Molly:** Have I?

 **John:** Maybe she’d like a smartphone too.

 **Greg:** You going to give her a smartphone?

 **John:** Well… yes?

Sherlock, what do you think?

Sherlock.

 **Sherlock:** It’s not such a bad idea.

 **John:** Really?

 **Sherlock:** Yes. But if we keep gifting her various devices she will pick up on the fact that we’re out of ideas for presents.

You don’t have enough money though, go buy it tomorrow.

 **John:** It’ll still be expensive tomorrow.

Oh wait, you mean you're going to pay for it?

 **Sherlock:** Obviously. But if it makes you feel like you’re cooperating, you can contribute with a minor part of the money.

 **John:** Oh. Well. Seems fair to me.

 **Greg:** And thus ends the most complicated mystery that Sherlock Holmes has ever faced.

 **Sherlock:** John was the one trying to solve the mystery. So congrats, John, on solving your first case.

 **Molly:** I’m sure she’ll like being up to date with technology. Glad to have helped!

 **Sherlock:** Honestly, you didn’t really help extraordinarily, but if it makes you feel good about yourself.

 **John:** Sherlock!

 **Mycroft.:** All of this is so utterly irrelevant…

 **Sherlock:** Ah, Mycroft! How’s your exercise session going?

 **Mycroft.:** Oh. You picked up on that.

It’s going fine. I’m just taking a break.

 **Sherlock:** Sure. Good luck.

 **Greg:** How can you know what he’s doing?

What, no reply?

Hey John, remember what you mentioned about Mycroft having cameras? Are we sure it’s not Sherlock who is watching his brother?

 **John:** Honestly? I wouldn’t rule it out.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 **Sherlock:**  I keep getting all the boring cases.

I just got an email from a man who is being cheated on by his wife.

If he reread the email using a bigger portion of his brain, he’d know that already, and he wouldn’t have the need to send it to me. It’s so obvious. Why don’t people just observe?

_…_

Is no one going to talk?

_..._

Have read through all my emails.

Bored again.

 **Greg:** Oh God, Sherlock.

 **Sherlock:** What?

I have nothing to do.

 **Greg:** Yeah, I can see that.

 **Molly:** Did you actually tell the poor man that he was being cheated on, though?

 **Sherlock:** John, you are late.

 **Molly:** Feels nice being ignored.

 **Sherlock:** Ah, nevermind, I can already see your cab through the window.

 **Molly:** But hey, story of my life.

 **Greg:** Molly, he probably didn’t tell him. Doesn’t like sharing information with those he considers to be on a lower intellectual level.

 **Molly:** Tell me about it.

 **Sherlock:** This group is starting to be unproductive, it doesn’t help stop my boredom.

 **Mycroft.:** Why don’t you simply delete it then?

 **Sherlock:** You’re always talking about how much you hate it. Why don’t you simple leave then?

 **Greg:** Touché?

I mean, if he isn't going to say it...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading. More exciting chapters are to come!


	3. Sherlock, the epitome of kindness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John and Sherlock enjoy a candlelit dinner together, a pretty customary occurrence actually. And other things happen, I guess.

**Sherlock** 's phone.

_Tuesday morning._

 

 

 **Molly:** Good morning, guys!

 **Lestrade:** Morning everybody!

 **John:** Good morning.

 **Sherlock:** Yes, well, whatever.

 **Mycroft:** Again, you rise early.

 **Lestrade:** Is that bad?

 **Mycroft:** The bad thing is to rise early to say “good morning” in a group chat.

But do whatever you want. I’m going to the British Government. Goodbye.

 **Sherlock:** You take every chance you've got to show off.

 **John:** You do the same thing.

 **Sherlock:** But my job is cooler.

 **Mycroft:** Dreaming is free.

 **Sherlock:** I thought you were leaving.

 **Mycroft:** I am. Goodbye.

 **Molly:** Is every morning going to be the same in this group chat?

 **Lestrade:** You mean... Sherlock refusing to say good morning? The Holmes bros fighting?

 **Molly:** Both of those, yes.

 **Lestrade:** Then the answer is probably yes.

 **Sherlock:** Don’t worry. I’m sure you’ll be able to survive.

 **Molly:** Well… Off to work. Have a nice morning, guys!

 **Lestrade:** You too, Molly. I’m leaving as well, goodbye!

…

 **John:** Sherlock, get out of your room. We have a client.

 **Sherlock:** Too early. Can’t you just tell them to come back later?

 **John** : It’s a woman, and she’s on the verge of tears. I don’t even understand what she’s saying. I’m trying to calm her down. Failing.

 **Sherlock:**  Alright… Coming.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 **Lestrade:** How are you all? Any recent catastrophes?

 **Molly:** I’m OK, having a coffee. No catastrophes over here.

 **Lestrade:** Me too, thank God for coffee. By the way – Sherlock, John, what was it with the crying woman?

 **John:** She came from Cardiff. Her fiancé died last night, nobody knows how, and her father didn’t want to call the police, so she came to see Sherlock.

After visiting the crime scene and meeting her family, I thought her father was the murderer (I mean, he didn't want to call the police. That's suspicious, yeah? It isn't just me?). Sherlock suspects that it was the woman who cleans the house though. We’re in a cab now – in our way to the final proof, according to Sherlock.

 **Lestrade:**  It _is_ suspicious. And where are you going, exactly?

 **John:** To a clothing factory. Don’t ask me.

 **Sherlock:** It was the maid. I know it. I just need the proof.

 **Molly:** Good luck with the case. You're right John, that's quite suspicious.

 **Sherlock:**  Stop praising him for doing nothing. 

 **John:** Sherlock, the epitome of kindness.

 **Sherlock:** Well, sometimes you actually do things right. You ought to get credit when you deserve it.

 **Lestrade:** That took a surprisingly nice turn.

Oh by the way, I read about the previous case in John’s blog, too. He posted that photo of the guy in a “compromised position”…

 **Molly:** Oh God I can’t stop laughing over that photo

 **Lestrade:** Right? I love the guy's face. It's pure despair.

 **John:**  Who knew the content people wanted to see was pure despair. I'll take notes.

 **Sherlock:** I’m glad you like John’s blog so much, but you’d find more interesting things (and a more adequate use of the English language, too) if you looked at my website.

 **Lestrade:** I’d be interested if you explained how to do what you did to the guy in that photo.

 **Sherlock:** Don’t bother, you wouldn’t be able to emulate it.

 **Lestrade:** You know, maybe that’s the kind of attitude that makes people not want to go to your website.

 **John:** Spot on.

 **Sherlock:** Attitude? Attitude is irrelevant. My website is about my brain and my methods.

Now shut up everybody, we’ve arrived at the factory.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 **Sherlock:** I’m glad to see that you all _actually_ shut up.

 **Molly:** Case solved, then?

 **Sherlock:** Yes. And of course, I was right – it was the maid. The bottom of her skirt, the dead man’s toes and some scratches in the wall told me everything I needed to know about her culpability.

 **Molly:** Impressive as always, Sherlock!

 **Sherlock:** I know.

 **John:** You should try saying thank you for once.

 **Sherlock:** And what the hell would be the use of that?

 **Lestrade:** But why did you need to go to the clothing factory?

 **Sherlock:** I don’t have time for stupid questions, I’m hungry and bored of staying at home.

 **John:** We just got here!

 **Sherlock:** Let’s go out for dinner.

 **John:** Asking me?

 **Sherlock:**  Obviously. Do you think I want to have dinner with Molly?

 **Molly:** Why not?

 **John:** Does it have to be right now? I’m tired.

And don’t worry, Greg, I’m going to talk about the case on my blog. If you had to wait for Sherlock to tell you what goes through his brain…

 **Lestrade:** He tells YOU, though.

 **John:** I’m quite sure most of the time he’s talking to himself, I just happen to be in the room at the time.

 **Sherlock:** I hope when you post the case this time you don’t miss the important points of my methods, John. It isn’t about me; I want to make sure that Lestrade fully understands the case, since he looks so interested.

And no. That only happens sometimes.

And yes. Dinner. It has to be right now.

 **John:** Oh, come on, Sherlock. No thanks.

 **Lestrade:** Thanks for your consideration, Sherlock.

In the end, John’s blog is our last hope.

 **Molly:** I’m looking forward to reading the case too!

...

 **John:** Sherlock, where is my laptop?

 **Molly:** Why are you asking him over text?

 **John:** He's ignoring me. Refuses to open his bedroom door.

Sherlock.

Sherlock!

 **Sherlock:** I hid it. I’ll give it back to you when we’re back from dinner.

 **John:** Oh my God. Do I have no choice?

 **Sherlock:** Nope. :)

 **Molly:** John, just look for it?

 **John:** Trust me, when Sherlock hides something, that’s not an option.

I’ll go get my jacket upstairs.

 **Lestrade:** What a romantic way to convince your partner to have dinner with you, right?

 **John:** We’re. Not. A. COUPLE.

 **Sherlock:** John, I’m calling a cab, I’ll wait for you outside. Hurry up.

…

 **Molly:** So… they’re gone.

 **Lestrade:** Yeah.

Hey, don’t you feel like something’s missing?

 **Molly:** What do you mean?

 **Lestrade:** Mycroft doesn’t text often anyway, but he’s been very silent in the last hours.

 **Molly:** Oh… right.

 **Lestrade:** The last news we had from him was that he was going to the British Government. Do you think he’s trapped inside there?

 **Mycroft:** Thank you for your concern, but no, I am not. Considering the direction that this group has taken, I have decided that the best choice is to stay quiet and say nothing while you all go crazy freely.

 **Lestrade:** So you’re watching us from the distance… from the darkness. That’s kind of creepy.

 **Mycroft:** This is what I mean when I talk about the members of this chat going crazy.

 **Lestrade:** Anyway, it’d be better if you kept talking here. What would this group be without the Holmes brothers’ fights in the morning?

 **Mycroft:** Shall I take that as a compliment?

 **Lestrade:** Take it as you wish, mate.

 **Mycroft:** Don’t call me that.

 **Lestrade:** Ok, mate.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 **Sherlock:** Bored.

 **John:** Bored? We just came back home!

 **Sherlock:** Bored anyway.

 **Molly:** Did you enjoy your dinner?

 **Lestrade:** Were there candles on the table?

 **John:** I suppose I should answer yes.

I mean to Molly’s question, not yours Greg.

 **Sherlock:** Why wouldn’t you say yes?

To Molly’s question.

There were candles, though.

 **Lestrade:** Hahaha I knew it

 **John:** I was forced to go, I’m not sure of what to think about it.

 **Sherlock:** Come on.

 **John:** Okay, yeah, it was moderately enjoyable. Are you going to give me my laptop back, by the way?

 **Sherlock:** Be patient.

 **Molly:** You’re in the same flat yet you’re texting each other?

 **Sherlock:** Takes a long time to go from the living room to John’s bedroom.

 **Molly:** You are surprisingly lazy for a detective.

 **Lestrade:** He’s got to save his energy for running around London like a madman.

 **Molly:** And beating up dead bodies.

 **Lestrade:** And candlelit dinners.

 **Sherlock:** Very funny.

 **Molly:** Oh, these jokes are in good spirit, you know that, Sherlock!

 **Lestrade:** Speak for yourself, Molly. I hate him.

 **John:** By the way, though I should keep you updated – we bought Mrs. Hudson’s present on the way home.

 **Lestrade:** Oh the phone? Keep us posted on her reaction

I bet you’re going to have to teach her how to use it, step by step… summon up your patience.

 **John:** Oh, no, I hadn’t thought of that… Of course, I reckon Sherlock won’t help at all.

Do you guys think it’s too late to return it?

 **Lestrade:** Oh, come on. No take backs now.

 **Molly:** I’m sure you can convince Sherlock to help, though!

 **John:** You’re too positive. Sherlock’s mind can’t conceive teaching someone anything. His patience would reach limits unknown by man and he would explode.

 **Mycroft:** Reasonable reaction if the person you are trying to teach is a complete idiot, the most probable option considering that most of the human species is.

 **Lestrade:** You and Sherlock are so alike… I don’t get your constant bickering.

 **Sherlock:** We really are not and it’s too complicated for you, Lestrade; not going to be the one who explains.

 **John:** Trust me, Greg, don’t ask. They’re just like that.

 **Molly:** Are they never going to stop?

 **John:** No.

 **Sherlock:** Nope.

 **Mycroft:** What can I say? The balance of probability agrees with those verdicts.

 **Lestrade:** Don’t hold out any hope!

 **Molly:** I see… I think I’m going to sleep.

 **Lestrade:** Good night!

...

 **John:** Sherlock, my laptop!

 **Sherlock:** Yes, hold on. You’re so impatient.

 **John:** Said Sherlock Holmes, the most patient man in the world.

Wait, are you using it right now?

 **Sherlock:** Obviously.

I must say, your new password was even easier to guess than the last one.

 **John:** Oh God

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Updates to come!


	4. A certain sort of people

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Mrs. Hudson's birthday and a not-so-boring client visits Sherlock.

_Wednesday morning._

 

 

 **Molly:** Good morning to everyone!

 **Lestrade:** Good morning!

 **John:** Good morning.

 **Sherlock:** Hmmm. Interesting.

 **John:** What is interesting?

 **Sherlock:** Nothing.

 **Mycroft:** Isn’t it annoying to spend every day hearing Sherlock’s attempts at being mysterious, John?

 **John:** Because you never try to sound dramatic or anything.

 **Mycroft:** Isn’t it annoying to spend every day with Sherlock, in general?

 **John:** As I told you once, I never get bored.

 **Lestrade:** We owe him that, we never get bored with him.

 **Sherlock:** You owe me half of your solved cases, too.

 **Lestrade:** Don’t exaggerate.

 **Sherlock:** I’m not.

 **Mycroft:** For once? What a miracle.

 **Sherlock:** If we’re discussing exaggerations, you’ve got the losing way.

 **Mycroft:** Oh, really? Come on.

 **John:** Drama queen.

…

 **Sherlock:** Who are you talking about, exactly?

 **Lestrade:** Both of you Holmes bros.

 **Mycroft:** Watch your words, D.I.

 **Lestrade:** I just made a clarification about _John’s_ words

 **Molly:** I can smell the danger… I’m leaving just in case.

 **Lestrade:** Good, at least one of us has to survive. Have a good day, Molly

 **Molly:** Thanks, you too, and good luck!

 **Lestrade:** Always need good luck with Sherlock Holmes around here…

 **Sherlock:** May I remind you what I just said about your cases?

 **Lestrade:** No thanks

 **Sherlock:** Good.

 **Lestrade:** Gonna do it anyway after all, aren’t you?

 **Sherlock:** Yes.

 **Lestrade:** Still need good luck. Wish me some for today, I’m leaving.

 **John:** Good luck, Greg.

 **Sherlock:** First the “good morning” thing, and then this? The concept of luck itself is ridiculous in so many ways.

...

 **John:** Sherlock, you haven't given me my laptop back yet.

 **Sherlock:** Ah, yes, that. Is there a real hurry?

 **John:** Sherlock…

 **Sherlock:** Alright, take it by yourself. It’s inside the wardrobe, behind the beggar costume.

 **John:** Oh. I could’ve found that myself. Your hiding places are getting less difficult.

 **Mycroft:** I agree with your doctor, Sherlock. Losing abilities?

 **Sherlock:** Bah.

 **Mycroft:** Brilliant answer. You are certainly eloquent today.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 **Molly:** Anyone there? I’m off work earlier today.

 **Lestrade:** I’m here too. Having some donuts in the office. How are you?

 **Molly:** I’m fine, thanks. A little bit bored, but well, that’s what this group chat is for!

 **Lestrade:** Bored? Why’s that?

 **Molly:** I’m used to routine, and I don’t have any plans for today, so… I don’t know what to do, since I finished work earlier.

 **Lestrade:** I see.

Hey...

 **Molly:** Yes?

 **Lestrade:** Nevermind, that text wasn’t meant for this chat, sorry

By the way… John, are you online? Sherlock?

 **John:** I am, hello.

 **Lestrade** : You said you’d tell us about Mrs. Hudson’s reaction to her present. Out with it

 **John:** Oh, she was very happy – I think she said thank you like 5 times before she even opened the wrapping. I spent half an hour explaining the basics to her. I’ve got the feeling she’s going to use it very often… which means I’m going to be her technical assistant for some time.

 **Sherlock:** To be precise, she said “thank you” six times before opening the wrapping, and eight and a half times after doing it.

 **Molly:** What do you mean “eight and a half”?

 **Sherlock:** I interrupted the last “thank you”.

 **Lestrade:** Sick of hearing her after only 8 times? That’s weak.

Can imagine that scene, almost a nice birthday until Sherlock Holmes strikes again.

 **John:** Oh, no, no. He interrupted it to hug her.

 **Molly:** Really??? How cute!

 **Sherlock:** Did you have to specify that, John?

 **John:** Absolutely.

 **Molly:** Aw, don’t try to appear tough now, Sherlock.

 **Lestrade:** Wow, Sherlock. Now THAT’s impossible to imagine. You should’ve invited me and I could’ve brought the camera.

 **John:** Donovan wouldn’t believe it even if she saw it. ‘Cause you’d show it to her, I know that.

 **Sherlock:** And that’s why Lestrade shouldn’t be allowed anywhere with a camera.

 **Mycroft:** Interesting, all of this. Gathering with a certain sort of people has softened your heart, dear brother.

 **Lestrade:** “A certain sort of people”?

 **Mycroft:** You read well: “a certain sort of people”.

 **Molly:** Sorry, what?

 **John:** Mycroft is just... like that, Greg.

 **Lestrade:** I knew he was another irritating genius, and a bit of a creepy one at that, but...

 **Sherlock:** Dear brother, you should, too, think about gathering with “people”, in general.

 **Mycroft:** I know, that is the kind of thing you say now, isn’t it? You know that caring is not an advantage.

 **Lestrade:** Wow, I’m starting to understand some things about Sherlock’s personality.

 **Mycroft:** Oh. You think I was his influence? How funny. I regret to inform you that you know nothing.

What I do understand, up to a point, is your personality, everyone else’s personality – and what’s behind it is honestly disappointing.

But I will not be the one who spoils the birthday celebration. Enjoy yourself, little brother.

…

 **Lestrade:** Well, he did spoil the celebration.

 **Sherlock:** Bah, you’re too sensitive if you let my brother spoil anything. Now stop talking about him.

 **Molly:** Yeah… this is getting… awkward.

 **Lestrade:** Anyway, I’ve gotta go, guys. Talk to you later!

 **Molly:** Bye, Greg.

 **Lestrade:** Bye, Molls.

 **Molly:** Molls. That’s funny, haha.

I mean, I like it. It’s cute!

…

 **Sherlock:** John, there’s a client. And he’s not so boring. Come downstairs.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 **Molly:** Hey! How are you all?

 **Lestrade:** I’m fine myself, bit tired, just got out from work. It’s mad sometimes. What about you?

 **Molly:** Oh well, I was going to have a sandwich for dinner.

 **Lestrade:** You call that dinner? Bit sad.

 **Molly:** Yeah I know. As I told you, I have no plans, and… you know. My life’s just like this.

 **Lestrade:** Oh. Well.

 **Molly:** It sounds sad, right? Sorry! Haha. I meant to add a laughing emoji, or something.

 **Sherlock:** Don’t talk about boring things in a group called “BORED”.

 **Lestrade:** What else do you suggest?

 **John:** Um… Have you all read my blog? I posted the last case already.

 **Sherlock:** Why do you always bring up your blog somehow?

 **John:** Same way you always manage to get to the subject of “you” somehow.

 **Lestrade:** Thanks, John. I’ll read the case right away.

Hey, Molly.

 **Molly:** Yes?

...

 **Lestrade:** Nothing, nevermind, sorry. I’m caught up with work.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Huh, do you reckon the not-so-boring client will propose an interesting case to John and Sherlock? I guess you'll have to keep reading to find out??


	5. Official day of Sherlock Holmes worrying about people

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sherlock deduces a little, Mycroft makes fun of human emotions a little, and John and Sherlock get themselves into a dangerous situation... particularly Sherlock.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is where I start to actually like the chapters, lol. I hope you enjoy this one too!!

_Thursday morning!_

 

 **Molly:** Good morning everybody!

 **Lestrade:**  Good morning!

 **John:** Morning.

 **Sherlock:** Hmmm… It’s definitive – there’s a pattern.

 **John:** What?

 **Sherlock:** Every morning, Molly, after waking up – obviously thanks to her alarm clock – texts those ridiculous “good morning” wishes to all her groups, so she is the first to write in here every day. Lestrade immediately follows her and John comes next. The pattern is obvious now – it will remain unchanged every day as long as the “why” doesn’t change. And here comes the “why”.

Unless he’s busy, Lestrade is always ready to pick up his phone every time he gets a notification, that’s why his response is so quick. I know for a fact that John always waits a while after his phone rings with an incoming text, especially in the morning, when he likes to lay in bed for a while, even if he’s already completely awake. That’s why he’s the third one.

 **Lestrade:** I don’t even know what to say to this.

 **Sherlock:** Don’t say anything, I haven’t finished yet. So – even if the pattern is obvious, the time of these three first texts changes.

As far as I know, Molly is usually very punctual. Molly’s alarm clock must be programmed to wake her up a number that ends in 0 or 5 – because everyone always does that. So let’s assume that she gets up at half past five, shortly before her texts in the morning. 5:35 would mean she is alarmingly fast at sending texts, plus it doesn’t concur with recent evidence. In the first morning, she texted us at 5:36 – in the second morning, she did it at 5:35 – very small difference, but today, she texted at 5:33. Why? She texts all of her groups every morning – it’s obvious that this group has become of more relevance to her, so she writes here first. This is the first variation from the usual pattern: apparently, Molly likes this group more than she did before.

Then, there’s Lestrade. Lestrade is often the first one to answer Molly in every and any occasion, but I’m focusing on the “good morning” pattern. In the first morning, Lestrade answered Molly a minute later, more or less. But now, he does it in less than a minute. Wonder why?

At last, there’s John. His subconscious has noticed this pattern. Today, due to a nightmare, he was awake (and online) before Molly even said “good morning”. He didn’t close the app, he was still online. Then why didn’t he say “good morning”? He was waiting for Lestrade to answer “good morning” to Molly, to avoid breaking the pattern he didn't notice he noticed, because his little mind really appreciates order.

All very obvious, of course, but I wanted to confirm it and today was the day to do it.

 **John:** This is…

 **Sherlock:** Maybe “amazing” is the word you’re looking for?

 **John:** No.

This is early. It’s too early for this, Sherlock.

 **Molly:** Wow.

I got one conclusion from all of this – Sherlock really is bored.

 **Lestrade:** I've got three conclusions – Sherlock knows what John does in the morning, Sherlock knows when John has a nightmare and Sherlock regularly waits for John to be online.

 **Sherlock:** You never focus on the most interesting things about my deductions!

 **Mycroft:** I understand that it isn’t obvious for the rest of them and you feel the need to bring it to their attention, brother mine, but I agree with your doctor Watson: it’s too early to show off.

 **Sherlock:** Again, Mycroft, refrain from saying anything to me at all about showing off.

 **John:** I’m not “his” doctor Watson.

 **Mycroft:** Well, this has been very fun. Try not to waste the rest of your energy so quickly before the afternoon, brother. Maybe you should take a heavier breakfast to avoid getting tired.

Goodbye.

 **Lestrade:** I really appreciate Mycroft’s presence here. He always cheers us all up in the mornings, doesn’t he? I don’t regret encouraging him to participate more at all.

 **Molly:** I’m still sleepy… and a bit confused. I think I’m going to go to the morgue.

 **Lestrade:** Yeah, sounds like a plan.

Put your mind in order with a hot coffee, Molly, I’ll do the same. Good morning.

 **Molly:** Good morning!

 **Sherlock:** Do you really need to “put your mind in order” because of my deductions? You’re so sensitive.

 **Lestrade:** It’s because we’re tired. The world doesn’t orbit around you.

Whatever… Going to Scotland Yard. Talk to you later, guys

…

 **John:** Sherlock… How did you know about my nightmare?

 **Sherlock:** Of all the obvious questions, you’re going to ask me this one.

 **John:** Um… Yes?

 **Lestrade:** Sherlock, you have to admit it was kind of a creepy thing to say, but what deduction of yours isn't.

 **Sherlock:** Weren’t you leaving?

 **Lestrade:** Oh forgive me for looking at my phone sometimes.

 **Sherlock:** Your sleep is very deep; you move around a lot (your bed is really terribly noisy) and you snore a decent amount too. Around five a.m., your bed springs got noisier, suggesting that you were moving more than usual due to a bad dream. Then, you woke up, no more snoring or noise. Any more questions?

 **John:** Not right now, no.

 **Sherlock:** I have one for you, then. Feeling better?

 **John:** What?

 **Sherlock:** Because of your nightmare. Are you feeling better?

 **John:** Huh? Yes, of course, it was nothing, I’m fine.

 **Sherlock:** Good.

What about your leg?

 **John:** Is this the official day of Sherlock Holmes worrying about people? If so, is it only once a year?

 **Sherlock:** Forget it.

 **John:** No, no, it’s okay.

 **Sherlock:**  Okay?

 **John:** Yeah. It’s okay to worry about other people.

And my leg is okay too, by the way. It’s getting better. I’m thinking actually I’ll stop using the crutches. They’re a bit annoying.

 **Molly:** Maybe we should all take advantage of the official day of Sherlock Holmes worrying about people, huh?

 **Lestrade:** Yeah. Is there something for us too?

 **Sherlock:** No.

 **Molly:** OK.

 **Lestrade:** Alright.

 **Molly:** Kind of expected it.

 **Lestrade:** Me too.

 **Molly:** The nightmare thing was so nice of you, though, Sherlock.

 **Mycroft:** Well, this was a disappointing read.

 **John:** Oh shut up, Mycroft.

 **Mycroft:** Ooh, brother, be careful. Your dog bites.

Well. “Barks” is more like it.

 **Lestrade:** Maybe you _should_ shut up.

 **Mycroft:** Oh, I will definitely take your opinion into account.

You are all equally... disgusting sometimes, but my brother is the one that disappoints me the most.

Didn't imagine he'd be worrying about someone else's nightmares one day, alas here we are. 

If you think about it, it's a sad day for a promising brain.

...

So, brother. Didn’t you say something about a not-so-boring client yesterday at 18:38?

 **Sherlock:** Why ask rhetorical questions?

 **Mycroft:** They are actually a really common part of human speech. You should look it up.

 **Sherlock:** Oh, now you’re the one who knows all about communicating with other humans.

 **Mycroft:** Sometimes you do seem clueless about it, brother. But let me clarify: I am more experienced with efficient human communication that actually leads to places. And what's your version of communicating? Hm, you know a handful of little fun facts for your cases, don't you? That is the extent of your knowledge about humanity. 

Other than that, all you do is nothing but get your little soft heart mangled with no purpose by caring about other humans. And that is what you think you know about it?

 **Lestrade:** Wow. Mangled?

 **Mycroft:** This is by no means any of your business, D.I. Lestrade. Go back to eating doughnuts.

 **Lestrade:** Hey, smartass, if you wanna have your little private fights with Sherlock do it elsewhere. This is a chat group

 **Mycroft:** And that makes you allowed to butt in?

 **Lestrade:** Precisely!

 **Molly:** You know what, Holmes? Maybe you would have more efficient human communication if you actually tried to pretend, even just pretend, to _care_ about other humans. Maybe the British Government doesn’t care about caring – but perhaps it would produce more efficient politics if it did, seeing as politics is ultimately about humanity. At least Sherlock tries. Sometimes, he actually tries! He tries to pretend to care, and he tries to care, and you know what, sometimes, he actually cares. And that’s good. And Greg can eat donuts if he damn well pleases because he’s doing a goddamn good job at Scotland Yard, so shut your mouth.

 **Lestrade:** Wow.

 **John:** Wow.

Incredibly well said, Molly.

 **Molly:**  Always the tone of surprise...

 **John:** Was that a Harry Potter reference?

 **Molly:** Why did you _know_ it was? Did Sherlock make you watch the films again

 **John:** He loves deducing things about Dumbledore.

 **Lestrade:** Seriously, wow. I think I’m in love with you, Molly.

 **Molly:** What a flirt, hahahaha

 **John:** I’ve got to go, Sherlock and I are a bit busy. But thanks for saying what we all were thinking, Molly.

Even Sherlock I reckon.

 **Molly:** No prob.

 **Lestrade:** Is it the not-boring case that keeps you two busy? Make sure to keep us posted.

We are genuinely interested, unlike Mycroft, who just wants to watch over his baby brother.

Alright. Gotta focus on work. Later, everyone.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 **John:** Before I say anything, I know, déjà vu, but… has any of you seen Sherlock?

 **Lestrade:** Didn’t expect to get a text from this group so late at night! Not the usual! Especially considering Sherlock once told us to go to sleep to protect our fragile sleep schedules.

Anyway, haven’t seen him. What’s the matter now?

 **John:** We were in the middle of a… kind of dangerous situation. A people-pointing-guns-at-us kind of situation, which Sherlock usually loves, though this time it was a bit rough. We had to run off in opposite directions, but I have no idea where he might be now.

 **Lestrade:** Sherlock wasn’t joking about the case being not-so-boring. Can I help?

 **John:** Actually, if you could come here and help me look for him...

I’m kind of worried.

 **Molly:** I have!

 **John:** What?

 **Lestrade:** What?

 **Molly:** I have seen Sherlock!

 **John:** Oh thank God.

 **Molly:** He’s been here, uncovering dead bodies while I ran after him trying to tell him to calm down.

 **Lestrade:** Sounds like him.

 **John:** When you say “he’s been here”, you mean he left?

 **Molly:** Well… As he would say, “obviously”.

I hope he’s safe. He left around two minutes ago, actually, so he should be in the area.

 **John:** Thank you, Molly! That’s where I’m headed then.

 **Lestrade:** Hey, John, I’m on my way too. Meet me outside the hospital.

 **Molly:** Can I help you guys? My shift is almost over.

 **Lestrade:** You’re working until really late tonight!

 **Molly:** Oh, you have no idea how tired I am.

 **John:** Molly, maybe stay there, in case he goes back.

 **Molly:** I don’t think he will. He looked like he had found what he was after.

 **John:** Did he?

 **Molly:**  He stopped to look at a body in particular. Wait, I’m going to check who he was.

Anyway, he stopped there, examined the body for a few, very intense seconds, and burst out the door mumbling about a removed tattoo.

Alright. The dead man in question: Daniel Reer.

 **John:** Molly, I would kiss you if I could.

 **Molly:** Good thing you can’t! Glad to have helped.

 **Lestrade:** Savage, Molls.

Anyway, can’t keep texting – gonna be driving.

...

 **John:** Sherlock, if you at some point read all these texts – don’t be an idiot and call.

Knowing you, you’re probably not even in danger, just torturing me.

Us.


	6. Rubber duck - Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ah, yes, Friday! TGIF! Lestrade says something he's been meaning to, John hasn't learned a single thing from his last failed date, and there is apparently no limit to how many kidnappings can take place within twenty-four hours.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm honestly a bit nervous about this chapter (and the remaining parts of it) because I feel like it's stupid. Actually, I'm nervous about the entire plotline that is about to start. But I hope you guys like it! Also, sorry about these upcoming chapters being longer!

_Friday morning, but only technically, because the damn sun hasn't even come out_

 

 

 **Molly** : Any news? 

I’m sitting at home... Can't really sleep,

No news at all?

 **Lestrade** : You and John are both so worried for Sherlock, I’m worried it’s contagious. I’m sure he’s fine, let’s all calm down.

 **Molly** : So you mean, there’s no news about him?

 **John** : We’ve only just found the tattoo removal place

 **Molly** : Oh? The one where our dead guy Daniel Reer got his tattoo removed, I assume?

 **Lestrade** : That’s right. We’re pretty sure this is the one, the hint Sherlock is after too. Looks like he’s ahead of us, though

 **Molly** : Not surprising… He’s always ahead of everybody.

 **Lestrade** : Say that again. Maybe complimenting him will trigger his show-off radar and he’ll show up.

 **Molly** : Hahaha. Hey, Sherlock? You’re really intelligent. Your deductions are incredible. We’re all so impressed by them!

Well, I won’t be any more of a bother. I’ll try to sleep now. Good luck, and take care!

 **Lestrade** : Don’t be silly, you’re not a bother. Just go to sleep and don’t worry.

 **Molly** : I’ll try.

Thanks for being so nice

 **Lestrade:** That's nothing to thank anybody for, I don't think.

 

 

* * *

 

 

_Actually Friday morning, now._

 

 **Sherlock** : John. 

All the money I had on me got stolen, pick me up on a cab.

 **Molly** : Sherlock!

 **Sherlock** : Just sent my location.

 **Lestrade** : Son of a… We’ve spent all night looking for you. We’re going different ways at this point. I don't even know where John is, probably risking his safety for you.

 **Sherlock** : Oh don't be dramatic.

 **Lestrade** : Seriously! He spent all night running around... despite the state of his leg.

 **Molly** : You worried the three of us!

 **Sherlock** : Sorry about that. I was a bit tied up, quite literally.

 **Molly** : Oh?

 **Lestrade** : Literally tied up?

No funny picture of that? Hope John posts it online too.

 **Sherlock** : Maybe you should’ve come, you know, with your camera. Unfortunately, you two weren't there.

 **John** : SHERLOCK!!!

 **Sherlock** : Oh! Picking me up then, right?

 **John** : Son

Of

A

 **Sherlock** : Lestrade couldn’t finish the sentence, I don’t think you’ll be able to either.

Also, Mycroft would think horribly of you insulting our parents, if he had been online at all within the last 10 hours.

 **John** : Son of a... saint. That’s what you must be. How could your poor parents stand you?

 **Sherlock** : Can anybody tell me what I’ve done now? Not my fault I was kidnapped!

 **John** : Wait, were you really?

 **Sherlock** : Of course yes!

 **Molly** : So when you say tied up you mean...

 **Lestrade** : Really kidnapped?

 **Molly** : Literally kidnapped?

 **Sherlock** : Of course. What have I done in the past to not be worthy of your trust?

_…_

_John, Lestrade and Molly are typing..._

**Sherlock** : Alright. Yes. I do recall a couple of incidents now.

So, John. Picking me up, then?

 **John** : Sure. Are you okay, though?

 **Sherlock** : Don’t worry about me. It’s a waste of time.

_…_

**Molly** : I almost forgot something really important!

 **Lestrade** : What?

 **Molly** : Good morning!

 **Lestrade** : Oh, good morning, Molly!

 **John** : Good morning.

 **Sherlock** : Good morning.

…

 **Molly** : Sherlock, did John take your phone forcibly? You can tell us.

 **John** : I couldn't have, I’m not even in the cab yet!

 **Lestrade** : What a day. Sherlock gets kidnapped, and then this happens.

 **John** : I’m honestly dumbfounded too.

 **Sherlock** : … I must admit it was stupid to assume I could assimilate seamlessly into the rest of you.

 **Molly** : Sherlock Holmes saying “good morning” back…

 **Lestrade** : You think we haven’t all taken screenshots already?

 **John** : Oh, I haven’t. Thanks for reminding me.

 **Lestrade** : Quick, he could delete the message.

 **Molly** : I think, personally, that he felt compelled to wish us a good morning because he really missed our lovely little group chat while he was gone.

 **Lestrade** : I support your theory

 **Sherlock** : Yes, Molly. That's right. While I was kidnapped I missed this group chat more than I missed... food or water.

 **John:** Firstly, don’t act like you ever eat or drink at a normal human’s pace.

Secondly, you were kidnapped for nothing but a few hours, Jesus.

What a drama queen.

 **Sherlock:** Detective Inspector Lestrade, don’t you agree that saying this kind of thing to the victim of a crime is inappropriate and may trigger a trauma as a form of response, if there isn’t a case of trauma already?

 **Lestrade** : Remind me not to let you get kidnapped again. It makes you really moody.

 **Sherlock** : Oh come on, “let me get kidnapped”? As if my safety depended on you. You couldn’t stop a kidnapping if it was taking place right in front of you.

 **Lestrade** : Try me.

 **Sherlock** : Want me to invite you to my next kidnapping?

 **Lestrade** : Please, I’ll make room in my schedule.

 **Molly:** No morning is a normal morning in here.

 **Lestrade** : Don’t you love it?

…

Looks like the boys are offline.

Don’t you have to go to work, Molly?

 **Molly:**  Why? Do you want me to leave that badly? Haha

 **Lestrade:** Of course not! That came out the wrong way.

It's the opposite. You're really nice, and the only person who makes this group chat bearable.

(Sorry, John).

 **Molly:**  Well, to answer your question, I’m free today. Can’t imagine having to spend the morning at the morgue after the long shift last night…

 **Lestrade:** Oh, right. That’s great!

And you know, actually…

 **Molly** : Yes?

 **Lestrade:** I’m free right now too

And I can’t believe I’ve never asked before, but

Fancy a coffee?

 **Molly:** Oh!

 **Lestrade:** Meaning…?

 **Molly:** Meaning we should move this to a one on one chat?

 **Lestrade:** Sounds good

 **Molly:** :)

 

 

* * *

 

 

 **Sherlock:** Seriously, Lestrade?

 **Lestrade** : What?

 **Sherlock:** Sending _Donovan_  and the others because you’re too busy on your coffee date with Molly?

 **Lestrade:** It’s my free time! I can do what I want, can I not?

 **Sherlock** : But Donovan, really?

 **John:** You do know she’s spent all this time looking over your shoulder to try and figure out what you are doing on the phone.

 **Sherlock:** She’s looking right now.

:)

 **John:** She’s suspicious because she thinks Sherlock faked his own kidnapping, you see.

 **Lestrade:** Bahahaha! I’m not even surprised

 **Molly:** And she thinks he’s texting about it?

 **John:** Knowing Sherlock, he _would_ be.

 **Sherlock:** I am.

I am texting about my fake kidnapping, which I faked, and was very fake.

 **John:** I wish you two could have seen Sally’s face just now.

 **Lestrade:** Send pictures

 **John:** You want me to die, don’t you, Greg?

...

 **Sherlock:** Are you still on that coffee date, Lestrade?

 **Lestrade:** My last message was literally 2 minutes ago! What do you think?

 **Sherlock:** Boring. What could you two be possibly talking about?

 **Lestrade:** Not much if you keep spamming us with texts.

Don’t YOU have like, really long dinner dates with John?

 **John:** They’re not dates.

 **Sherlock:** Those are different.

 **Lestrade** : How so?

 **Sherlock:**  ... We have things to talk about.

 **Molly:** And Greg and I don’t?

 **Sherlock:** God’s sake, stop saying that name, it sounds like nails on a chalkboard.

And no. You can only talk about me for so long.

 **Lestrade:** It’s just my name!!

 **Molly:** I’m not even saying it aloud…

 **Sherlock:** That is only proof of its power to unsettle me, even when merely written on a screen.

 **Molly:** Wait, you think Lestrade and I only ever talk about you?

 **Lestrade:** Molls, are you calling me by my last name just to please him?

 **Molly:** Greg*

 **Sherlock:** What else would you talk about?

 **Lestrade:** Oh God 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 **Sherlock:** Boredddddd.

Interrogation is over. I'm home. Scotland Yard is presumably doing their jobs right now, but who knows.

John is somewhere. Probably on a date. I don’t really know, I wasn’t paying attention.

 **Lestrade:** Another date already?

 **Sherlock:** He was flirting with a woman at the police station earlier.

 **Lestrade** : So you _were_ paying attention to that.

 **Sherlock:** Yes, I tuned out shortly after.

 **John:** Actually, yes, I’m on a date. Any problem with that?

 **Lestrade** : What’s her name, lady killer?

 **John:** Diane, and now if you’ll excuse me…

 **Sherlock:** Diane.

You do know she's a lesbian, right?

 **John:** Sherlock, DON'T START.

 **Lestrade:** Hahaha

 **Sherlock:** Don't say I didn't warn you.

Diane, Diane, Diane.

 **Molly:** Good evening guys! Now home ready to relax… TGIF!

 **Sherlock:** “TGIF”, really? 

If I see or hear anyone else say that again, I WILL find the gun Mrs. Hudson hid from me and I WILL SHOOT the wall.

 **Lestrade:** TGIF 

 **Molly:** Sherlock, you really don’t have to hate everything, you know?

 **Sherlock:** I don’t hate everything, just the very stupid things. Not my fault they take up 80% of the universe.

 **Lestrade:** You are in no authority to talk about the universe, mate, you don't even know whether the Sun orbits around the Earth or the other way around.

 **Sherlock:** At least I don’t have to stand hearing someone loudly spell out each letter in TGIF.

 **Molly** : No one does that.

 **Sherlock:** Molly.

 **Molly:** What?

 **Sherlock:** They do.

 **Molly:** Really?

 **Sherlock:** Yes, Molly.

 **Molly:** They spell it out?

 **Sherlock** : I’m sorry.

 **Molly:** God.

 **Lestrade:** I spell it out!

 **Molly:** What??

 **Lestrade:** _*audio message*_

 **Molly:** Greg…

 **Lestrade:** Now he has to hear me spell it out, hahaha

 **Sherlock** : _*audio message*_

 **John:** SHERLOCK HOLMES, was that a gun being cocked? 

Goddammit, you found it

You are NOT going to SHOOT THE WALL AGAIN

 **Sherlock:** DIANE

 **John:** What?

 **Molly:** What?

 **Lestrade:** What?

 **Sherlock:** No need to worry about it. I’m THINKING.

 **Lestrade:** So you’re not bored anymore! Good.

 **Molly:** No shooting the wall. John, you can have a peaceful date now.

 **John:** I’m not entirely sure that can ever happen as long as this man is my flatmate. Why do I live with him again?

 **Sherlock:** Several reasons. I have a list, actually. Do you want it, as a reminder?

 **John:** Talk to you all later.

 **Lestrade** : Good luck, John.

_..._

**Molly:** The atmosphere in here feels different without the back and forth teasing between Sherlock and Mycroft.

 **Lestrade:** I miss how Mycroft used to show up every time you would mention him, like he had been lurking all along and just couldn't resist being the centre of attention.

That was probably the case.

 **Molly:**  Hey Greg, you don’t… actually spell out the letters of TGIF in real life, do you?

 **Lestrade:**  Haha, if you don't like it, then no.

 **Molly:** Hmmm… don't know if I can ever see past that.

 **Lestrade:** I'll make it up to you, Molls.

 **Molly:** How? Maybe by paying the next coffee?

 **Lestrade** : You are the one who wanted to pay for both coffees

 **Molly:** That was just so you’d have the chance to invite me next time.

 **Lestrade:** Ah. You know I can’t resist being the gentleman.

 **Sherlock:** It’s saying a lot, but that was the most uncomfortable I've ever felt while witnessing flirting.

 **Lestrade** : That's what I think every time I have to see you and John in person, yet it's never the most uncomfortable I can feel. It's always outdone the next day.

 **Sherlock:** Tell me about it. John literally flirted with a crying lesbian at the police station today.

 **Molly:** She was _crying_?

 **John:** She's not a lesbian!

 **Lestrade:** I wasn't talking about John’s flirting but yours, Sherlock.

 **Sherlock:** John, weren't you on your date with Diane?

 **John:** Who does Sherlock flirt with?

And yes, I am, but I keep getting distracted by _someone_.

 **Molly:** Sherlock? He flirts with death at most.

 **Lestrade:** Oh Molly, you have no idea. I mean, you’re not wrong, but… if you saw what I see

 **Sherlock:** So you’re on your happy little date but you show up every time you are being mentioned?

 **Lestrade:** Oh look, just like your brother, Sherlock!

 **Sherlock:** It’s been more than 24 hours since he last was online.

 **Lestrade:** Ah, your brother? Wow Molly, you really scared him off

 **Molly:** Well that wasn’t my intention! I was just speaking my mind.

 **Lestrade:** It’s good to speak your mind, no need to worry

 **John:** It’s not that, Sherlock. It’s that I have to keep checking my phone for messages from you, because it could be that you want to share the fascinating nature of the dust particles in the room with me or that you are literally being held at gunpoint. One never bloody knows.

 **Sherlock:** The delay in your response indicates that you are in fact trying your best to enjoy your date without interruption. That’s adorable.

...

Ah, there he is. Offline. Enjoying his pretend date.

Yes, she was crying.

 **Molly:** The lesbian?

I mean, sorry. John’s date?

 **Sherlock** : Yes. She was crying back in the police station. The police had just told her her girlfriend had been found dead.

 **Molly:** What??

 **Lestrade:** You are saying this so John will come online again and get cross, aren’t you?

 **Molly:** Why would she say yes to a date with John if her girlfriend had just died, Sherlock, for God’s sake. Some people are not sociopaths.

 **Sherlock:** And some people are.

Wait.

JOHN

 **Molly:** What, what’s going on?

 **Sherlock:** He’s ignoring all his texts now, isn’t he? 

He does that.

JOHN

I AM BEING HELD AT GUNPOINT JOHN

 **Lestrade:** Sherlock, what’s the matter now?

 **Sherlock:** RUBBER DUCK

 **Molly:** I don’t understand anything.

 **Sherlock:** RUBBER DUCK!

 **Lestrade:** It’s one of their codewords.

 **Molly:** What does it mean?

 **Sherlock:** R U B B E R

 **Lestrade:** Not sure. Something about danger.

 **Sherlock:** D U C K

 **Lestrade:** I think it’s like the “vatican cameos” one except John doesn’t like this one. So naturally Sherlock says every chance he gets.

 **Sherlock:**  No. They're different.

But also, yes. You're right.

Now shut up. 

John

Jooooohnnn

R

u

b

b

e

r

d 

u

 **John:** What on EARTH do you want, Sherlock?? Never heard the story about the girl who cried wolf?

 **Sherlock:**  I’m not crying wolf, I’m crying rubber duck, what’s your ex’s last name?

 **John:** Sherlock, really? This. This is what you wanted from me.

 **Sherlock:** Lena. Her last name. Tell me.

 **Lestrade:** The cat killer?

 **John:** Lena’s last name. God. I don’t know.

 **Lestrade:** You forget about your girlfriends really fast, huh?

 **John:** Shut up. Lena Rider, maybe?

 **Sherlock:** Oh.

No. No, that can’t be.

But I HAVE to be right.

 **Lestrade:** “But I HAVE to be right” -Sherlock Holmes’ motto.

 **Molly:** No doubt, haha

 **John:** Can I go back to my date yet?

 **Sherlock:** Lena! She had a middle name! She did, didn’t she?

 **John:** Uh, I know she did. I read the initial somewhere

 **Sherlock:** Yes, me too, the stupid card she forgot on the flat.

Now tell me, was that initial an E? Lena E. Rider? I’m almost sure, but I wasn’t paying enough attention.

 **John:** Oh, yeah, right. Yes. She told me once her middle name was Elizabeth.

I told her it was cute.

Anything else, Sherlock?

 **Sherlock:** Stupid, stupid, stupid Sherlock.

 **John:** Yes, we all know that. Nothing else then?

 **Sherlock:** Lena E. Rider.

What is Diane’s last name?

 **John:** I don’t know. What, want me to ask her, maybe?

 **Sherlock:** No, don’t. That would be too dangerous.

 **John:** I was joking, Sherlock. I wasn’t going to ask my date her last name out of the blue just because you want me to.

She’s in the toilet btw. I’m warning you, the moment she comes back, this conversation is over.

 **Sherlock:** You have to flee.

Leave, quickly. Don’t let her see you. This is a perfect chance.

 **John** : Sherlock. Are you out of your mind?

 **Lestrade:**  Ok so we all know he is, John, but do as he’s telling you. Seriously. 

 **John:** If you know something, JUST TELL ME, SHERLOCK. Stop doing this.

 **Sherlock:** No time. Just go.

 **John:** Are you serious about this?

 **Sherlock:** Yes.

John.

Come on.

 **John:** Fine. Leaving.

She was still in the toilet. I’m outside. Looking for a cab.

 **Sherlock:** Okay. Good.

 **Molly:** Ok… so that’s two times John has been in danger while on a date since this group chat was created... and it hasn’t even been a week.

 **Sherlock:** It was all SO. OBVIOUS. So painfully obvious! But of course, I’ve been distracted today.

 **Lestrade** : Distracted by what?

 **Sherlock** : Mycroft.

 **Lestrade:** The guy who got so embarrassed about Molly’s speech that he just closed the chat and never opened it again?

 **Sherlock:** Well, you definitely give yourselves too much credit.

My brother may be incredibly prideful, but since Molly’s speech, there have been so many opportunities to interrupt the chat to make fun of someone that he hasn’t taken advantage of, that it’s ridiculous. That’s just fishy.

So. I’ve been worried about him.

 **Lestrade** : You mean, worried for real?

 **Molly:** I’m terribly lost. Sherlock, can you just tell us what’s going on?

What’s the matter with the lesbian?

Sorry, John’s date. Diane.

 **Sherlock:** It was so obvious she was a lesbian, she was basically waving a rainbow flag right before my eyes. She knew John hadn’t heard the news she was given by the police about her girlfriend but I had, and she knew John wouldn’t notice but I would. She was telling _me_. And then there’s the way she looked at John. Or the way she didn’t look at John.

 **John:** Hey! What's that supposed to mean?

 **Sherlock:**  It means she wasn't attracted to you, John, get over it. Yet she agreed to the date. Why? She was basically screaming “I’m gay” at me while batting her eyelashes at John, that was a message for me. Just like the card Lena forgot in our flat, and Daniel Reer’s removed tattoo, amongst other things. All very obvious messages.

 **Molly:** What does Daniel Reer have to do with John’s girlfriends?

 **Lestrade:** I thought that case was pretty much over, right?

 **Sherlock:** I was kidnapped last night, of course it isn’t over.

 **Lestrade:** Well, well, if Mycroft was here, he would tell you you’re getting slow.

 **Sherlock:** Mycroft isn’t here because he has been kidnapped too.

 **Molly:** What???

 **John:** Wait, really?

 **Lestrade:** Now you’re just making fun of us.

 **Sherlock:** I’m serious.

 **John:** The hell do you mean kidnapped?

 **Sherlock:** Kidnapped. Or something like it.

 **Lestrade:** Let's all calm down. Sherlock, your brother can't have been kidnapped. He's... the British Government.

 **Sherlock:** Okay, so then  _something like it._

 **Mycroft:** Hello, Mr. Holmes.

Dinner?


	7. Rubber duck - Part 2

**John** : ???

Is this really happening right now?

Sherlock?

 **Molly** : What? What’s happening?

 **Sherlock** : The Woman is happening.

 **Lestrade** : The woman. What woman? Why are you talking like you only know one woman?

The woman as in John’s blog post that’s titled “The Woman”? As in Irene Adler?

 **Sherlock:** God, you're truly a fan of his blog.

 **John:** Sherlock.

Why has Irene Adler kidnapped your brother?

 **Mycroft** : What a funny man John Watson is. She hasn’t kidnapped anyone.

 **Lestrade** : Is this still Mycroft?

 **John:** Don’t think so.

Sherlock, how is she here?

How many times can someone come back from the dead?

I mean... I didn't mean come back from the dead.

 **Sherlock** : Well done, John. If Mycroft were here, he’d be disappointed on you. You're terribly bad at keeping someone's “death” a secret and she wasn’t even really dead; let’s hope he doesn’t decide to trust you with an actual death.

Before you ask, yes, I knew that Mycroft asked you to decide between telling me The Woman was dead and telling me she was under witness protection and, also, yes, that you mention is, coming back from the dead _twice_ does sound excessive.

 **John** : Okay.

Alright.

Of course. Of course you know everything. Do you know why she's here, too?

 **Mycroft:** He’s not that clever. Are you, Mr. Holmes?

…

That’s what I thought.

Sherlock. Can I call you Sherlock now? We’re basically friends, at this point.

Sherlock, you have a lovely little picture of your little doctor here, it’s adorable. You know, Sherlock, I’ve been reading the chat. Just a little. It’s very fun.

Let’s get to the point. Don’t leave me hanging this time. Let's have dinner.

 **Sherlock:** No. Tell me what you want.

 **Mycroft:** Just told you. I want dinner.

 **Sherlock:** There are some really cheap takeout options out there.

 **Mycroft:** You went on a dinner date with John Watson, why not say yes to me? Oh, and now that you mention it, I want a candlelit table, too.

 **Sherlock** : I didn’t mention it.

 **John:** It wasn’t a date.

 **Mycroft:** Awh, I really missed you two.

 **Sherlock:** What did you want to attract my attention for?

 **Mycroft** : Just for fun. Even I get bored.

 **Sherlock** : Right, and that’s all.

 **Mycroft** : Of course not. But don’t worry, we’ll talk about it over dinner.

...

Don’t worry, Sherlock. If you say no to dinner I can do to you what you did to John: make you. You hid his laptop. What a funny coincidence, I can play the same game.

Time to be a good detective. Look for what you’ve lost, and when you can’t find it, you’ll know where to look for it.

And don’t bring Johnny unless he’s coming with lovely Diane - I’m all for double dates. They can get so fun and messy.

Until then, Sherlock, take care. xx

_Mycroft has left this group chat._

**Lestrade** : Ok so that definitely wasn’t Mycroft.

Unless he wants to have a double date with you three that becomes “fun and messy”?

 **Molly:** Hi, yes, sorry. Wasn’t Irene Adler the dead woman that Sherlock recognized by not-her-face?

 **Sherlock:** Well, Molly, clearly not. I recognized a dead woman who happened to share her measurements, amongst other physical characteristics.

 **Molly:** OK. Great.

Nice.

Am I the only one who has no idea what’s happening?

 **Lestrade:** I have less of a clue than it seems. The trick is to just go along with it.

 **John:** Okay, Sherlock. Since you knew what Mycroft told me all along and etcetera, tell me, how is she alive?

…

Not answering that?

Okay, then... what is it? The thing you’ve lost.

Sherlock.

Talking to you.

 **Sherlock:** I don’t know, is that what you wanted me to say? Will you just give me some TIME TO LOOK?

…

 **John:** I’m sorry.

On my way home, I’ll help you.

 **Lestrade** : Anyone want to tell me if I should be alarmed that a crime has been, is being or is going to be committed?

 **Sherlock** : Lena E. Rider, Daniel Reer. Want to guess what those two names have in common?

 **Lestrade:** No, not really in the mood.

...

You're not going to explain it, are you?

 **John:** Don’t wait for him to do it.

 **Lestrade:** But he’s saying that this woman, she’s related to both your ex-girlfriend and the case that got Sherlock kidnapped? How?

 **Molly** : They are made up of the same letters. That’s it, right?

I mean the names

 **John:** Oh.

Yeah, that’s it. Of course… They’re anagrams of “Irene Adler”.

 **Lestrade:** Why do shady people like anagrams so much?

Let me see if I follow, John. Irene Adler sends a psychopath, whose fake name is an anagram of hers, to seduce you, as a message to Sherlock, who she knew would deduce that she is a psychopath or whatever…

By the way, Molly, you’re a genius, just wanted to say that.

 **John:** To _“seduce”_ me, Lestrade, really?

 **Lestrade:** Well I’m willing to bet it wasn’t you doing the seducing, was it?

 **Molly:** Thanks, Greg :)

 **John:** Nobody seduced anybody. I don’t think.

 **Lestrade:** And she also sends the not-so-boring case in your direction, which involves a dead man whose fake name is _also_ an anagram of her name, and which gets Sherlock briefly kidnapped and both of you in danger, and which, by the way, none of you has really explained yet.

 **John:** I will if there is time.

 **Molly:** And she also sends Diane

 **Lestrade** : Right, John's new potential girlfriend, the lesbian whose obvious sexuality is apparently another message to Sherlock.

 **John:** God, I think I’m going to stay off the dating scene for a while.

 **Molly:** And I think her name must also be an anagram, or part of one, because “Diane” uses some letters from Irene Adler’s name.

 **Lestrade** : That’s why Sherlock wanted to know what her last name was!

 **John** : Why is it that you two make a better… crime-solving duo than Sherlock and I?

 **Lestrade** : And we make a better couple too.

 **Molly:** A crime-solving duo. Is that what Sherlock and you are? Cute. It has a ring to it

 **Sherlock:** They do _not_ make a better one.

 **Lestrade:** A better crime-solving duo or a better couple?

 **John:** Sherlock. Thought you weren’t reading these anymore. I’m almost home.

Listen up, happy couple.

 **Lestrade** : Oh, nice, that’s Molly and I.

 **John:** No. I meant Mycroft and his kidnapper.

 **Molly:** We’re not really a _couple_ couple… Yet?

 **John:** Just listen. I’ll explain the case. The not-so-boring case.

 **Molly:** Good, finally

 **John:** As you know, a man was waiting for Sherlock. When I went downstairs I failed to see how Sherlock didn’t find him boring, there wasn’t anything special about him. He immediately started talking about a stalker, though. A man with a weird tattoo on his forehead who’d been watching his daughter, Emma, for weeks now, and sending her messages that looked like death threats. Proper creepy stuff. The client thought he belonged to a cult and the tattoo was its symbol.

Here is what Sherlock found not-so-boring about him: the man was dressed up, suit and all, and didn’t really look like the kind of person who would have ever gotten a tattoo right on his forehead, but, well, Sherlock could tell he had removed one that was exactly there. And I didn’t even notice there was something odd about his forehead, of course.

 **Lestrade** : So he was also a part of the gang, or cult, or whatever the hell it was, that was after his daughter and trying to pose as an innocent civilian?

 **John:** Something like that. I asked Sherlock what he thought of the possibility that it might have been a coincidence. He said the universe is rarely so lazy.

 **Lestrade** : The man got his tattoo removed just for this reason? That’s dedication.

 **John:** No, Sherlock reckons there must be another reason he removed his tattoo some time before this case even started, but that’s isn’t important right now.

Things got more interesting when we went ask his “daughter” a few questions, starting with some about her father, and found out her father had been dead for 6 years.

 **Molly:** Huh?

 **John:** Yeah, so not the man we had met.

The “daughter” also led us to the hint that led us to another hint that landed us in the wolf’s den. Do you recall my mentioning a people-pointing-guns-at-us kind of situation?

 **Lestrade:** How could we forget.

 **John:** Well, that was that.

While the... cult people were trying to kill us, they let us know the original culprit of all the stalking, a.k.a. Daniel Reer, was now dead. I should’ve supposed Sherlock would run off to the morgue to look for him but honestly, they said... many things to us and I was pretty scared for both our lives, so I didn’t really think of that.

Most of them had the same creepy forehead tattoos. Really made the threatening atmosphere... more threatening.

 **Molly:** Ok, but why would a member of the gang expose another?

 **John:** We’re not really sure yet. My cab is nearing Baker Street. Will keep the two of you posted.

 **Molly:** OK! Take care, both of you

 **Lestrade:** Just so you know Scotland Yard will be informed of all of this at some point. Sherlock would say we’re just interfering or whatever, but I don’t care. I think there have been enough people-pointing-guns-at-you situations for a week, don’t you?

 **Molly:** You’re doing the right thing. You take care, too.

 **Lestrade:** Oh, don’t worry about me, just doing my job. Hey, as Mycroft implied, it consists mostly of eating donuts anyway, right?

 **Molly:** Oh come on, don’t say that. Don’t make me give you a speech again.

 **John:** God, not again.

 **Molly:** Hey... My speech wasn’t that bad.

 **John:** No, Molly, not talking about that.

I’ve just walked in and the living room’s a mess. And… yeah, so is the kitchen.

 **Lestrade:** Isn’t that just how it is on the regular?

 **John:** I think this idiot has found, or not found, whatever Adler took from him and left for “dinner” all on his own.

 **Molly:** Oh. Idiot...

 **Lestrade:** I sort of expected that.

 **John:** Well, I didn't. He doesn't do cases solo. Anymore.

Sherlock.

If you see this, I honestly don’t think the double date is such a bad idea, just let me go with you.

 **Lestrade:** Hope it doesn’t get very “messy”

 **John:** Lestrade…

 **Lestrade:** Just “fun”

 **John:** Please shut up.

Wait, no, he’s still here.

I think, anyway. I think he’s messing everything up in my room upstairs, I can hear him.

 **Molly:** Go quickly before he does something stupid.

 **John:** Easier said than done. He does stupid things at an incredible speed.

 **Molly:** True.

 **John:** He’s just standing there. In my room which, by the way, looks like there has been a robbery. But yeah, just standing there. I’m a bit worried he might be in catatonic shock.

 **Lestrade:** Poke him with a stick.

 **Molly:** I just pictured John poking him and Sherlock just dropping to the floor as straight as a plank.

 **Lestrade:** Also, falling on his face. It just makes the mental image funnier.

…

…

…

 **John:** Okay, so we’re leaving for dinner, I suppose.

 **Molly:** You too?

 **Lestrade:** Double date then?

 **John:** Yes. Not much time to explain. Later.

 **Lestrade:** Have fun I guess, but what was it that Sherlock had lost?

Where are you meeting?

John, seriously. Wild idea but maybe you two shouldn’t trust a woman who sent a psychopath and a criminal as “messages”? Tell us where you’re meeting and we’ll have your back.

I don’t know why I bother saying anything.

 **Molly:** So are they just going to pick Diane up and go to a nice restaurant all together?

 **Lestrade:** Maybe.

You don't happen to have Mycroft’s number, do you?

 **Molly:** And you don't? He was in this group chat with us

 **Lestrade:** So you have it.

 **Molly:** I add every number of someone who is in a group chat with me, so yeah I have it.

 **Lestrade:** I prefer to keep unnecessary filth out of my contacts list.

 **Molly:** Oh wow, that’s harsh.

 **Lestrade:** Add him back, then.

 **Molly:** Do you want to interrogate “The Woman” over text? I don't think she'll talk to you. I think she just wanted to... ask Sherlock out I guess, and mess with him a little

 **Lestrade** : Yeah, I know, but just add him back.

Her. Whatever.

 **Molly:** Alrighty

_Mycroft has joined this group chat._

**Lestrade:** Welcome.

...

Just so you know, it's not very polite to not reply.

 **Mycroft:** Some people are busy, D.I.

If you don't have anything valuable to say to me, don't waste my time.

So then?

 **Lestrade** : So then what? What kind of valuable information could you possibly get from me?

 **Mycroft:** Well, for instance, where my brother is, you halfwit. Mind you, I'm looking for him as well.

 **Molly:** Mycroft!

 **Lestrade:** Oh, it's you

 **Mycroft:** Yes, of course it’s me. Adler stopped caring about me and my phone after she got the conversation she wanted with Sherlock.

 **Lestrade:** Not kidnapped then?

 **Mycroft** : Absolutely not. How easy do you think it is to kidnap me?

 **Lestrade** : About as easy as it is to take your phone?

...

 **Mycroft:** You are not informed of the actual situation.

 **Lestrade:** Then inform us, Holmes.

 **Mycroft:** As I said, if you don't have valuable information for me, I am wasting my time. Goodbye.

 **Lestrade:** You mean to tell me you know nothing about your brother? Nothing at all?

 **Mycroft:** I know he has met Irene Adler for… dinner.

 **Lestrade:** Yeah. Nothing at all then. You have the same information we have.

 **Molly:** We may even have more, if he doesn't know John and Diane are with them.

 **Mycroft:** Who is Diane?

 **Lestrade:** Oh boy.

 **Mycroft:** Are you two just trying to “make fun” of me? Perhaps you got the wrong impression that you were cleverer than me, Molly Hooper, when you went on your pathetic rant about _caring about people_?

 **Molly** : My point went over your head, obviously - I don’t care about being more intelligent than you at all. Also, this doesn’t really matter, right now. It’s Sherlock and John who matter.

Diane is John's most recent girlfriend, sent by Irene Adler to watch him and Sherlock. Or something.

 **Lestrade:** So you haven't read any past messages on this group chat at all. Hard to believe you weren't being kidnapped.

 **Mycroft:** Well, believe it.

Truthfully, yes, Adler… blackmailed me. And kept my phone for a while. Actually, it goes in the opposite order. She took my phone, then blackmailed me regarding the information that was in it. Of course, she did not find any really important information, but I let her believe it was relevant enough to let myself be blackmailed for the sake of avoiding her digging further.

 **Lestrade:** Sure thing.

 **Mycroft:** Don’t make me laugh... You don't believe me?

 **Lestrade** : If I didn’t, you wouldn’t care, would you?

What’s this whole business really about? Why is Adler doing this?

 **Mycroft:** Information is powerful. You needn’t know more.

 **Lestrade:** Ok, whatever.

You don't happen to have any ideas of what… object Adler could have taken away from Sherlock? Something that convinced him to have dinner with her.

 **Molly:** It's also something that must have given him a hint of where to meet her, right? That's what she said: “when you can't find it, you'll know where to look for it”.

 **Mycroft:** Taken away from him when? For God’s sake, is my brother not careful at all anymore? I'm getting a headache...

 **Molly** : I'm guessing it was taken by Lena, at some point.

 **Lestrade:** Of course, Lena. Sherlock let us know she had been in their flat by mentioning the card she “forgot” there with her name on it.

 **Mycroft:** Lena as in John’s psychopathic ex-girlfriend?

 **Lestrade** : Yes, that Lena. She was sent by Irene Adler too. Try to keep up, Holmes.

Anyway, she must've stolen something from Sherlock when she was still dating John.

 **Molly:** Something Irene Adler told her to steal.

 **Lestrade** : Must've been something important, then, right? Information about a case or something.

 **Mycroft:** Where?

 **Lestrade:** What? Where what?

Why are the Holmes so cryptic.

 **Mycroft:** Where, where was the object Lena stole?

 **Molly:** In John's room, right? That's where Sherlock was looking before he and John left.

 **Mycroft:** _*sends location*_

 **Lestrade:** Woah. What?

Northumberland St.? Is that where they're meeting?

 **Mycroft:** Of course it is. Try to keep up, Detective Inspector.

 **Molly:** That was fast! just as fast as Sherlock would've deduced it!

 **Mycroft:** Don’t insult me, miss Hooper.

 **Lestrade:** How on Earth did you know?

Alright, on my way. But tell me anyway, I know you're dying to show off.

 **Mycroft:** That's my brother you're talking about.

 **Lestrade:** Both of you are so lacking in self-awareness, it’s almost cute.

 **Mycroft:** Ha, ha, ha.

It was the cane.

 **Molly:** What cane?

 **Mycroft:** John Watson’s cane. Surely you two recall his mentioning he didn’t know where it was, so he had to get a pair of crutches for his leg. He also mentioned it should be in his room - of course it was, until his adorable, brand new girlfriend stole it.

 **Molly:** Ooooh, I knew it was odd that the cane was gone... Wait. _That’s_ what she stole?

 **Mycroft:** Goodness gracious, do you two really need me to fill in the blanks?

 **Lestrade** : If you would be so kind.

 **Molly:** Imagine that being said to you with an intensely bitter expression, Holmes.

 **Lestrade** : Exactly, thank you Molls.

 **Mycroft:** I will give you the benefit of the doubt - you may not know this. There is a perfect place to have dinner that happens to be linked to John’s cane: the restaurant in which he forgot it. You know, right before happily running off after a taxi with my brother, the first restaurant where Sherlock and him had dinner, that is the hint Adler left for him, blah, blah, surely I don’t need to keep over explaining myself, right?

 **Lestrade:** You _definitely_ have cameras.

 **Molly:** Yeah, knowing where Sherlock and John first had dinner together… Bit creepy.

 **Mycroft:** Send your complaints to Irene Adler - _she_ has less of a reason to know that.

 **Lestrade** : You’ve got a point, I’ll give you that. Why would a cane be valuable enough for Sherlock to want it back so bad?

 **Mycroft:** Maybe he did want dinner after all. Maybe he did not need much of an excuse to go.

Maybe he hid extremely important documents filled with government secrets inside the cane through, perhaps, a small puncture he made on the handle.

 **Molly:** That’s so strangely specific but he would 100% do it.

 **Mycroft:** Or, when all else fails. Maybe my brother is truly becoming as sensitive as I feared. Maybe the object simply holds some type of _sentimental value_ to him. Or it's a “Oh, no one shall steal anything from John Watson, I will bravely recover it” kind of thing.

I would bet for it being a curious mix of all three possibilities. In any case, let’s pray his recklessness isn’t his demise.

 **Lestrade:** Don’t worry about it, he has always been a reckless git and he hasn’t died a single time yet.

 **Mycroft:** But doesn't he keep you in suspense?

 **Lestrade:** Constantly.

 **Molly:** … Me, too.


	8. Rubber duck - Part 3

_Saturday... again, only technically. Which means it's very late and these people need to sleep_

 

 

 **Lestrade** : How funny would it be if you were wrong, Mycroft, and there was nobody in the restaurant?

 **Mycroft:** Not very, and highly improbable. Your sense of humour is to be pitied, D.I.

 **Molly** : You know Greg, I feel like we’re both being Mycroft right now. Making sure Sherlock's alright by watching him.

 **Lestrade** : Oh, no. We’re becoming creepy government officials?

I would say “now Sherlock’s gonna hate us”, but he already does. Or he seems to, most of the time.

 **Mycroft:** Yet we still care about him.

And what we do, we do for him. And he doesn’t understand. 

Don't you two understand some things, now?

_…_

_..._

_..._

**Lestrade:** OK, we’re getting close to the restaurant.

 **Mycroft** : I hope you're not texting while driving.

 **Lestrade** : I'm not the driver, but it's funny that you seem concerned about me.

 **Mycroft** : I’m concerned about the safety of the pedestrians of London. Run over by a member of NSY, imagine that.

_..._

**Lestrade:**  Ok, we’re parked here, I can see Sherlock through the window. And I suppose that's John.

Yeah that’s John

They're sitting opposite two women.

The seating arrangement looks like it's a different type of double date haha.

I mean, like as if Irene and Diane are a couple and Sherlock and John are WAIT, one of the women is standing up. Diane I reckon, she's the one right opposite John.

Oh look, there are candles on the table.

 **Mycroft:** Lestrade, for God's sake, focus on the matter at hand, will you?

 **Molly:** Wasn't that the kind of double date this was from the beginning??

 **Mycroft** : Move and go find out what they are talking about, you won’t accomplish much if you just sit in the car for the entirety of the dinner.

 **Lestrade:** Alright

Hey, I know this guy

 **Molly:** Who?

 **Lestrade:** The owner of the restaurant. I think… wait

Yeah that’s him. Sherlock once proved to us that he was stealing a car at the moment of two murders that we thought he was guilty of. Hah.

 **Mycroft:** What did we say about focusing?

 **Lestrade:** Ok, mummy, understood.

 **Mycroft:** Oh, shut up.

 **Lestrade:** Ok, I’m in a... hiding position that is quite pathetic for a man my age but I can hear and see them from here.

 **Mycroft:** Thank God I don't have to do this kind of work.

 **Molly:** It sounds like what you do is just watch everything from a comfortable chair, right?

 **Mycroft:** Some can afford the privilege.

 **Lestrade:** The woman is smiling quite smugly at Sherlock. She’s just asked “Are you hungry?”.

 **Molly:** Oh, I was expecting them to delve into villainous speeches sooner.

 **Mycroft:** I recommend you shut up now, Molly Hooper.

 **Molly** : I recommend you ignore my texts if they bother you so much, Mycroft Holmes.

 **Lestrade** : Don’t even try it, Mycroft.

Sherlock’s basically just said that her sight has made him even less hungry than he was. That’s way more villainous than what she said.

“Yet, we are having dinner. You are not hungry and we are having dinner. Should I feel like I have accomplished something?”

“No”.

 **Molly:** Ouch.

 **Lestrade:** Sherlock is definitely the villain in this scenario.

Diane coming back. Oh, she's bringing John’s cane.

John has muttered a “thank you”.

Irene continues to look solely and intensely at Sherlock.

“Will you take up my case, detective?”

“Depends. Is a cane all you had in your power to convince me to take up your case?”

“You came back for it, though”.

A deafening silence.

Hm, doesn’t look like there were important documents hidden inside the cane, Mycroft.

 **Mycroft** : If there were, I wouldn’t trust her to realize that.

 **Lestrade:** Yeah, though she doesn’t strike me as an “idiot”. I mean I know you two consider everyone an idiot, but really. Don't be so arrogant.

I didn’t hear some of the conversation but

this is Sherlock again: “Very nice, all your little messages for me”. He’s tapping his fingers on the table.

 **Molly:** Knowing him, it could be morse.

 **Lestrade:** Irene certainly seems pleased with herself, she does a little smile and turns to John. “Does doctor Watson agree? He has been so quiet since you got here”.

This is John: “Oh, certainly very nice, using me for that, taking advantage of -”

“Of how easy it is for you to fall in love with the first pretty woman you see?”

Woah, Irene. She’s right though.

 **Molly:** She is.

 **Mycroft:** She is.

 **Lestrade:** (Diane looks like she’s been given a compliment, which I mean... yeah, she’s been called pretty)

“Don’t worry”, Irene again, “the same thing happens to me”.

“Some men are easy to fall in love with, too”

Looks at Sherlock, then at John again. John looks at Sherlock too. Just stopped looking, as though it hurts.

Irene looks at them both. Diane gives weird looks to John and Sherlock. Everyone’s looking at everyone right now. What a staring contest.

“Boring!” Bet you can guess who said that

“Entertain me. I’m bored and not hungry. There is something more, isn’t there? Something other than the cane. The cane is an entertaining little puzzle piece, for sure, gets boring fast though, so tell me, any exciting bribery for me to surrender to so that I can then finally take up your little case?”

God help me he speaks so fast

“So you’re dying to surrender to me, is what you’re saying? I did tell you you’d grow to have a knack for begging for mercy, we might be getting there”.

 **Molly:** Woah, what??

 **Lestrade** : “Oh, fuck’s sake” That was John. He kind of whispered, but if I could hear him I’m sure everyone on that table could too

I feel like I shouldn’t be listening to this conversation. I mean, it’s obvious I shouldn’t, I knew that, but now it’s just a primal feeling of discomfort.

 **Molly:**  Same

 **Lestrade** : Sherlock replies “I still have never begged for mercy in my life. You’re not very loyal to your promises”

Irene widens her eyes and smiles in a… way.

“Are you flirting?”

“No, don’t get excited. Bribery, yes or no?”

“Oh, if you insist”

She’s turned to Diane and gestured for her to do something.

 **Molly:** So she does have important information, then.

 **Lestrade:** Diane whips out a phone, and smiles at Irene like a lesbian would, so I suppose Sherlock was right about that. “I do have something quite fun in here”.

 **Molly:** Like a lesbian would… Oh my god Greg.

 **Mycroft:** What is that even... For God's sake.

 **Lestrade:** Phone noises.

 **Mycroft:** Phone noises?

 **Lestrade:** Well, you know, phone noises. Phones make little noises when you open and close apps and all that kind of stuff.

 **Mycroft:** Alright, whatever.

 **Lestrade:** Diane’s looked up from the phone and winked at John.

“Don’t wink at me”. He’s _angry_ , guys.

Diane kind of laughs and says to John “It’s not your fault our first date didn’t go quite so well. It’s his”, she’s gesturing at Sherlock. “But we can try again, though”

“Aren’t you a lesbian?”

“Got me there. But aren’t you straight?”

“What is that supposed to mean?”

And that’s another period of deafening silence. Diane’s ignoring him and making some more phone noises.

“No, seriously, what the hell are you implying?” Give it up, John.

Diane’s showing something to Irene on the phone. She’s just said “here it is”

This is Irene talking to Sherlock: “I don’t know if you’re informed, but I had some fun with your brother recently -” Oooh, Mycroft, what’s that about? Like a begging for mercy kind of fun?

 **Mycroft:** Don’t.

 **Lestrade** : “- and I happened to find some interesting things on his phone. Compromising things. I don’t think the poor man knows… yet”.

She’s literally said ‘poor man’, haha

“You can look at it for yourself, take your time”.

She’s handed Sherlock the phone.

Mycroft?

Anything to say?

 **Mycroft:** It’s a bluff.

 **Lestrade:** Then why would she show the information to him?

Irene is getting impatient

“Come on, you can read faster than that, give it back to me. No peeking, doctor Watson, you wouldn’t understand”. Well that’s just rude. “Convinced, then?”

Sherlock is just... quiet.

 **Molly:** Well, that’s alarming coming from him.

 **Lestrade:** It is.

“I’ll take your case”.

 **Molly:** Oh.

 **Lestrade:** Irene is beaming.

“Wonderful. You can tell your brother that he hasn’t been very careful, and you can tell your friend hiding there, the inspec” oh. Well. Shite.

 **Molly** : Greg?

Greg??

 

Offline, great. I hope he's OK

…

Nothing to say, Holmes?

...

 **Mycroft:** Not to you, or anyone here.

…

 **Molly** : OK. If anyone sees this, I’m going to sleep, and whoever it is that sees this, take care and... don’t do stupid stuff.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, this has certainly been a long, long Friday.  
> I hope the length of this couple of chapters didn't make them boring! Let me know if you liked them!


	9. Not with that attitude

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sherlock sulks, Mycroft broods, Irene does her usual thing (except now while using 221B as a hotel) and Mrs. Hudson panics a little.

_It's properly Saturday this time._

 

 **Molly** : Good morning! Anyone alive?

 **Lestrade:** Good morning, Molls. You were worried about me? 

 **John:**  Good morning. There have been better mornings, but I can’t complain. My back is a bit sore from sleeping on the couch, but.

 **Lestrade:**  Did Sherlock tell you to sleep on the couch like he’s your wife?

 **John** : What? No. I just fell asleep there, I was tired.

Why, that’s what your wife used to tell you to do?

 **Lestrade:** Hey, don’t be so insensitive about my divorce.

 **John** : Last week you were happily joking about it over some drinks. And you hadn’t even drunk anything yet.

 **Lestrade:** Alright, that’s fair.

 **Molly:** Good thing you two are alive. Are the Holmes brothers alive too? And yes, I was a bit worried. Just a bit

 **John:** I don’t really know if Mycroft is alive, but the sad violin music coming from Sherlock’s room leads me to think _he_ is.

He’s playing that damn song again.

 **Molly:** What song?

 **John:**  He wrote it, when he thought Irene was dead. The first time, I mean. Mrs. Hudson would know what I'm talking about.

 **Mycroft:** Oh. My brother wrote a song for her?

 **John:** I guess so. 

But "for her" sounds so... 

 **Mycroft:** Romantic? 

 **John:** Yeah. 

 **Lestrade:** Now that we're not worried about any potential danger, Mycroft's presence has reminded me that I was meaning to finally add him to my contacts. Mostly in case he gets kidnapped again.

 **Mycroft:** I did  _not_ get kidnapped. Do you mean to tell me I was not among your contacts? 

 **Lestrade:** No

 **Molly:** Oh, right, Mycroft didn't see your text about the... filth.

 **Lestrade:** Molly, shush!

 **Mycroft:** We have been in contact for six years, D.I.

 **Lestrade:** Yeah, when I got the occasional cryptic text or mysterious call from an unsaved phone number I just assumed it was you and I never felt the need to add you

 **Molly:** You guys have been in contact for _6 years_?

 **Lestrade:** Yeah, since I met Sherlock.

 **Molly:** Wait, you've known Sherlock for that long?? 

 **Lestrade:** Yeah, can't believe it either, but apparently human beings can even get used to torture if it's long-term.

 **John:** Let me guess, Greg. Shortly after you met Sherlock, you were threatened to get into a black car that stopped right by you, which took you to a very dramatic meeting with Mycroft.

 **Lestrade:** Hahahaha, exactly! 

 **Molly:** Well, that sounds very much like him.

 **Mycroft:** My methods proved effective a long time ago. 

 **John:** Or: if it ain't broken, don't fix it.

 **Lestrade:** Mycroft, I hope you'll be glad to know you're now in my phone as "Myke Holmes".

**Mycroft:** _What?_

Change that name immediately. 

 **Lestrade:** Hahaha what are you going to do, send snipers to take me out? 

 **John:** Don't give him ideas. 

Oh, good, Sherlock's stopped playing the damn song.

 **Molly:**  OK, but you guys are just distracting me from the fact that you haven't really told me what happened last night.

 **Lestrade:**  Irene Adler realized I was spying her. It was embarrassing.

 **John:** Pretty bad first experience of a double date, don’t think I’ll be doing one ever again.

 **Lestrade:** Oh bummer, I was already planning one with Molly, Sherlock and you.

 **John:** Otherwise, there’s not much to explain that Lestrade hasn’t already live texted to you and Mycroft.

 **Sherlock:** Cross with him, aren’t you?

 **John:** Excuse me?

 **Molly:** Oh, hi, Sherlock.

 **Sherlock:** You only call Lestrade by his last name when you’re cross about something he’s said. Every other time, you use that hideous name.

 **John:** That’s... not true.

 **Sherlock:** Of course it is. Go through all the texts in which you’ve referred to him as “Lestrade” if you want to find out by yourself.

…

…

...

 **Molly:** Oh, yeah, it’s true.

 **John** : Okay, _maybe._

 **Lestrade:** Why would you be cross with me? Because I “live texted” your little double date? Molly and Mycroft wanted to know what was going on!

And I didn’t even find out much, I still don’t know what the matter is with the case Irene Adler wanted Sherlock to take up

 **Sherlock:** Some very bad men are after her, all very sad, wants us to help. The rest is nothing that concerns you for now.

 **Lestrade:** Oh, come on. You’re like your brother, when he was saying “You needn’t know more”. Who says "needn't", anyway? 

You know John, your readers are starved for new cases lately.

 **John:** If we can tell you anything it is that we won’t be able to disclose anything about this case. You know, the forehead tattoo gang.

 **Sherlock:** Yes, and I trust a certain detective inspector won’t tell Scotland Yard a word of the little information he has about it.

 **Lestrade:** What? Why?

 **John:** Irene is working with them, the creepy cult. For protection, she says.

 **Sherlock:** And that renders them untouchable for now, or else the information she got from my _very careful_ brother will be disclosed to the public as well, and it’ll do much more harm.

 **Lestrade:** Much more harm? To who?

 **Sherlock:** To England.

And it’s whom*, by the way.

 **Molly:** Well, wow.

 **John:** Yeah, Molly, I think the same.

 **Lestrade:** It’s great to know you two are involved in dodgy business you won’t allow me to look into.

 **Sherlock:** Look who’s cross now.

 **Lestrade** : I’m not. You two can do what you want, just don’t ask me for help if you’re operating outside the law.

 **Sherlock:** “Operating outside the law”, what boring wording.

 **Lestrade:** Ah, yes, exactly the kind of thing a “consulting detective”, Solver of Crimes, should say. You should put that phrase on your website.

Well, anyway… Going to work. Have a nice day all of you.

 **Molly:**  You too, Greg, good luck at work.

I’m not working today, fortunately, so I’m meeting some friends in a while! Lucky me, haha

 **Lestrade:** Nice! Have fun. Want to meet for coffee again later when you’re free?

 **Molly:** Sure :)

 **Sherlock:** You have friends?

 **Molly:** Excuse me?

 **Sherlock:** I didn’t think you did much in your free time other than eat sandwiches for dinner.

 **John:** Sherlock!

 **Sherlock:** How am I being rude now? She said it herself! Practically stated that her life was miserable.

 **Molly:** You know what, I’m just gonna go get ready to go out.

 **John** : Uh, have fun, Molly.

 **Molly** : Thanks.

…

 **John:** Oh, and there’s the sad violin music again. Sherlock, stop sulking.

…

 **John:** Sherlock.

SHERLOCK.

 **Sherlock:** I am NOT sulking.

 **John:** No, it’s not that.

It’s just... a little question that occurred to me when I went upstairs.

What the bloody hell is Irene Adler doing asleep in my bed?

 **Sherlock** : I would say she’s sleeping.

 **John:** Aaaand she’s NAKED. She’s not only asleep in my bed, she’s also naked.

 **Sherlock:** Well, that’s good news for you. Don’t you like that sort of thing?

 **John:** “That sort of thing”??

 **Sherlock:** Talk to her about that one, though. I wasn’t the one who got her naked.

 **John** : You know? If you had, I don’t even know if I’d be surprised anymore.

 **Sherlock:**  What?

 **John:** Whatever, I’m going out. She better not be naked in my room anymore when I get back.

Or in your room.

Not that I would check your room to see if she’s naked there, but she better not be naked at all.

 **Sherlock:** Where are you going?

I’ll stop playing the violin if that’s what bothers you so much.

Maybe you prefer one of the songs you like?

John, what did you expect? I wasn’t going to let her sleep in my room. _I_ sleep there.

I tried to explain her that last night and she didn’t seem to see the contradiction in the concurrence of those two events.

Took me a while to convince her to sleep in your room.

John.

 **Mycroft:** Lovely conversation. A bit more pathetic than usual, just to spice things up.

 **Sherlock:** Oh, brother. Back from brooding over having allowed Irene Adler access to government secrets?

They would have been safer in John’s cane, you know.

...

You have more brooding to do! Good, that’s what I thought.

 

 

* * *

 

  **Greg** 's phone.

 

**“Molls”.**

_Status: Online._

**Greg:** Hey, so about that coffee?

Maybe we should make it a meal, it’s nearing lunch time and I’m equal parts hungry and looking forward to seeing you

 **Molls:** You really are a flirt haha

Lunch then! At that restaurant you mentioned yesterday?

 **Greg:** You read my mind, Molly Hooper!

 **Molls:** It’s my superpower ;)

 **Greg:** In an hour?

 **Molls:** In an hour!

 **Greg:**  Talking to you really lifts my mood, have I told you that?

 **Molls:**  :) Are you in a bad mood?

 **Greg:**  Not really, just mildly concerned about Sherlock and John’s very secret shenanigans. I shouldn't be, but you know.

I mean, if anything really bad happens to them I’ll be one of the first people to know. Sherlock did say he’d invite me to his next kidnapping after all.

 **Molls:**  Oh well, isn’t that Sherlock’s kind of thing? Being very private about his… stuff?

 **Greg:** It’s just… They text me when they need the police to be on their side for a second, then they run off and get into guns-pointing-at-them kind of situations and tell me to “not tell Scotland Yard” anything I know, as if I haven’t already.

 **Molls:** You have?

 **Greg:** You remember what I said? Right before John found Sherlock in his room and they disappeared to go on that double date? I said I’d inform Scotland Yard of this, no matter what Sherlock thought of it

 **Molls:** And I said you’d be doing the right thing.

 **Greg:** And do you still think so?

 **Molls:** Of course I do :)

 **Greg:** Had to warn my colleagues to keep quiet about the tattoo gang. When I said it was because infamous Sherlock Holmes told me to, a room full of people rolled their eyes.

 **Molls:** I can imagine. But you guys are actually investigating this, aren’t you?

 **Greg:** As carefully as we can.

 **Molls:**  That's good... In case you need repeating, you are doing the right thing.

 **Greg:** See what I said about lifting my mood?

 **Molls:** :)

 **Greg:** :)

 

 

**“BORED”.**

**Sherlock:** Great. I have been terribly bored ever since we came back from Baskerville, and now that I've got a case, I start getting actually interesting requests. All sorts of interesting criminals, hints regarding a mysteriously lost painting, a kidnapping. And there's not even a single man emailing me about how he thinks he's being cheated on. It's like the quality of every crime has increased all of a sudden. 

 **Molls:**  That's how you rank crimes, by their "quality"?

 **Sherlock:** Well, yes. I actually have a scale from one to ten. And all of these cases are above a seven. I'll have to try to solve them all at once... Somehow.

So, Molly.

 **Molls** : Yes?

 **Sherlock:** How were your friends?

 **Molls:** Actually we spent a very fun morning together, thanks for asking.

 **Sherlock:** Good.

That’s good.

 **Greg:**  Wow, I still get surprised when you're this nice.

Is John still out?

 **Sherlock:** Yes. That's an irrelevant question, but yes.

 **Myke:** Sherlock’s being unnecessarily polite to people so John will see and feel compelled to come back home, where Sherlock can feel less lonely when talking about dust particles.

 **Sherlock:** Listen, first of all, the dust particles in the room are not particularly interesting right now. I mostly want him for the case.

...

 **Myke:** And?

 **Sherlock:** What do you mean “and”?

 **Myke:** You said “first of all”, what follows?

 **Sherlock:** Oh, I don't know. Got distracted. Was thinking.

...

Someone give me something to do.

 **Greg:** Huh?

 **Sherlock:** Something to do. You can reread the message I sent, Lestrade, it’s not that hard.

 **Greg:** Weren't you busy? Taking care of your secret case, thinking, all that Sherlock stuff?

 **Sherlock:** Something to do outside.

 **Greg:** I don't know, mate, want me to invite you over for lunch?

 **Sherlock:** Ew. Mycroft?

 **Myke:** We see each other often enough, brother mine, I don't need another Christmas dinner type of encounter. And I'm actually busy.

 **Greg:** Why do you want something to do _outside_?

 **Sherlock:** Irene has woken up. I can tell by the very noisy springs in John's bed. They seriously get on my nerves.

 **Molls:** Oh, I'd forgotten she was sleeping in your flat…

 **Greg:** Naked, too. Don’t forget that.

 **Myke:** Are you that scared of her?

 **Sherlock:** I'm not _scared_.

 **Myke** : Alarmed, then?

 **Sherlock:** Why would I be alarmed?

 **Myke:** She's naked.

 **Sherlock:**  What do you say you’re having for lunch, Lestrade?

 **Greg:** I was joking about that, I'm actually having lunch with Molly today.

 **Molls:** Yes he is! :)

 **Sherlock:** Haven't answered my question, what are you having for lunch?

 **Greg:** Sherlock, mate. It's kind of a thing between the two of us, Molly and I.

 **Sherlock:** Ew. John?

 **Greg:** Hahaha, you're not going to make him come back that way

 **Johnny:** You can come join me, I actually think I've found out something relevant to the tattoo gang case.

 **Greg:** John, come on, you could at least have waited a little so I didn't sound so stupid.

 **Johnny:** Sorry, Greg.

 **Sherlock:** Look at that, even John likes proving you wrong.

You've been investigating? Not just running around London, looking for women to flirt with?

 **Johnny:** Like I said recently, I'm going to refrain from dating for a while, all my girlfriends happen to not really like me and have been sent to me with malicious intent these days.

 **Sherlock:** Great.

 **Johnny:**  If that's the word you want to use to describe it...

Sent you my location.

 **Molls:** John, next time try checking suspicious ways the letters of their names can be arranged in!

 **Sherlock:** That won't work, since that trick has already been used this once the next morally dubious person who attempts to manipulate John or get to me through him will use a different one.

 **Molls:** I was just joking, but it concerns me a lot that you assume it’s going to happen again.

 **Johnny:** I wish I wasn’t so used to it that it doesn't even concern me anymore.

 **Sherlock:** Being in a certain degree of danger of some sort at all times is stimulating for your brain, though.

 **Molls** : I suddenly understand a loooot of things about your life choices.

 **Myke:** It's sad that you need to engage in reckless, idiotic behaviour to exercise your mind, brother.

 **Sherlock:** It's sad that your don't ever exercise yours. Or exercise, at all. You're getting old fast, haven't you noticed?

You all bore me. Later.

 **Johnny:** But you're coming, right?

 **Sherlock:** Of course yes.

Since we're at it, could we look into the lost painting case as well, John? 

 **Johnny:** You ask me for "permission" now?... Sure, I suppose so.

 **Sherlock:** :)

 **Greg** : Molls, want me to pick you up?

 **Molls:**  Sure! 

 **Greg:** :)

 **Myke:**  Lately, you all chat too much. I swear it makes the days feel longer. Shut up, please.

...

...

...

 **Johnny:**  Hey Sherlock, what did you tell Mrs. Hudson about Irene?

 **Sherlock:** Nothing at all. Why?

 **Johnny:** She's just called me crying.

 **Sherlock:** What has Irene done to her?!

 **Johnny:** ?? Nothing!

She called to tell me that “your new lover” is walking around the flat naked.

 **Sherlock:** Oh. Well. I was ready to get considerably angry.

Why was she crying?

 **Johnny:**  Because she thinks we've broken up.

 **Sherlock:** Oh, well, tell her we haven't.

 **Johnny:** Sherlock!

Don't you dare insinuate we’re a couple in this group chat, you know how Lestrade is!

 **Greg:** Hahahahaha

 **Sherlock:** Your fault for bringing this up in the group chat, out here in the open. Your phrasing was awfully convenient, too.

 **Greg:** He said it here because he was willing to publicly shame you for telling Mrs. Hudson that Adler is “your lover”.

 **Sherlock:** Ah, that makes sense.

 **Greg** : Poor Mrs. Hudson, though. Please tell her you haven't broken up. I'm worried about her being upset.

 

 

 **John** 's phone.

 

**“Mrs. Hudson”.**

_Status: Online._

**Mrs. Hudson:** John!!!

John go back to the call right this moment!

 **John** : Mrs. Hudson! I had no idea you knew how to use this app at all.

 **Mrs. Hudson:** I don’t!!!

 **John:** You are using it though.

 **Mrs. Hudson:** No, I’m not! Don’t change the topic, John Watson, is poor Sherlock all right??

 **John:** Why wouldn’t he be??

 **Mrs. Hudson:** Well you must have broken his heart enough for him to get with a woman!

...

 **John:** Jesus Christ, Mrs. Hudson.

First of all… I don’t know what to say first of all.

Oh, wait, I do, WE’RE NOT A COUPLE.

 **Mrs. Hudson:** Well, not anymore, evidently… And not with that attitude.

 **John:** Second of all, Irene is not his lover, or at least let’s hope she isn’t. She’s a client. My apologies for her walking naked around the flat, I assure you none of us wanted that to happen and it WON’T happen again. Or she’ll have to get a hotel room or something.

WE WERE NEVER A COUPLE!

 **Mrs. Hudson:** The clients Sherlock attracts get weirder every time, I’ve been telling you two.

 **John:** Third of all, why the hell would I be the one who broke Sherlock’s heart? He’s the one who is… or would be… hypothetically dating Irene.

 **Mrs. Hudson:** Oh, because, you know how Sherlock is.

 **John:** I really don’t.

 **Mrs. Hudson:** Well, you know how fragile he is.

 **John:** We must not be talking about the same Sherlock.

 **Mrs. Hudson:**  It's good Sherlock is so observant, because you can be really blind...

 **John:** I don't think anyone can break Sherlock's heart.

I thought Irene had, for a while, but I don't think it's like that.

 **Mrs. Hudson:** The woman? Why would you think she broke his heart?

 **John:** Look, I’m terribly sorry, Mrs. Hudson, but Sherlock and I are on a case, he’s about to get here, actually.

But, by the way, if Irene keeps walking around naked, feel free to kick her out for all I care.

 **Mrs. Hudson:** You’re on a case?? So Sherlock and you are on good terms!!

 **John:** Mrs. Hudson.

Listen.

Nothing’s happened. Nothing ever happened. Everything’s good and no one has broken up with anyone. (Or broken anyone's heart).

We’ll see you this evening. Can you make sure the dinner is ready?

 **Mrs. Hudson:** I’m your landlady, not your housekeeper!

What to do with you two… If it weren’t for me, Sherlock would be ordering junk food every night, wouldn’t he?

 **John:** Or he’d forget to eat.

 **Mrs. Hudson:** Don’t act like you wouldn’t be ordering junk food, too...

I suppose dinner might be ready this evening, but don’t expect anything!

 **John:** Thank you.

 **Mrs. Hudson:**  You better come back to Baker Street safe and sound! I mean both of you!

**John:** We will, don’t worry. Lovely emoji.

 **Mrs. Hudson:** Lovely what??

 **John:** Forget about it. Thanks again, really.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 **Sherlock** 's phones

 ~~ _(_~~ ~~ _because he's got more than one, who knows whose phone he has stolen to send mysterious messages this time)_~~.

 

**[Unsaved number].**

_Status: -_

**Sherlock:** Good night, you murdered your fianceé’s sister and your alibi is ridiculously fake. If you look in the third drawer, you’ll find that I have confiscated your train ticket. The police doesn’t know yet, though. SH.

 

**“BORED”.**

**Mycroft** : Has any of you got anything new to report on your boring lives? It has been a longer amount of hours since the last message than you chatterboxes are used to.

 **Lestrade:** Well, this is a first.

 **Mycroft:** What is?

 **Lestrade** : It’s the first time you’ve asked us about our lives! It’s almost like you’re finally revealing that you care about that instead of pretending to hate this group chat! It’s endearing, almost.

 **Mycroft:** Don’t be ridiculous. Why would I care about your lives?

 **John:** Too late, Mycroft, you’ve exposed yourself.

 **Mycroft:** Really, doctor, you too?

 **Molly:** It _is_ almost endearing…

 **Mycroft:** Oh shut up, all of you. This has been a mistake.

 **Sherlock:** Your life lately has been an interesting series of mistakes.

 **Lestrade:** Oh, WOW.

 **Mycroft:** You are going to bring that topic up again, seriously?

 **John:** What topic?

 **Sherlock:** Why yes, I am. I’d say it’s pretty recent; I found out yesterday.

 **John:** What??

 **Sherlock:** John, we’re talking about the fact that he gave away government secrets to Irene Adler for free.

 **Mycroft:** We have talked about this, Sherlock.

 **Sherlock:** And I’ve told you what I think.

 **John:** Wait, you’ve talked about that? When?

 **Mycroft:** Are you really that utterly unaware of your surroundings, doctor Watson?

 **Sherlock** : Mycroft, shut up about John.

…

 **Mycroft:** No news to report, then.

 **Lestrade:** Well, my day has been pretty great, in case you care, Holmes. (And don’t say “I don’t”, thanks).

 **Molly:** Mine too.

It’s partly because both our days have collided, I guess, Greg.

 **Lestrade:** :)

 **John:** Sherlock and I have made progress with the case. And apparently, we're now also looking for that lost painting, the Falls of Reichenbach. And also apparently, starting Monday I’ll be back to working my regular shifts at the hospital.

 **Sherlock:** I _told_ you to pretend to still have a limp. Just don’t forget that you shouldn’t be able to run after a cab and you’ll be fine.

 **John:** Yeah, you did, you told me that. But seriously, I’ll pass. I’m not as good a liar as you.

Your impression today was brilliant, by the way.

 **Sherlock:** Well, thank you.

 **Molly:** Oooh, his impression of what/who?

 **John:** You’ll have to wait for my blog post to know, Molly. If I ever get to write it.

 

**[Unsaved number].**

_Status: Online._

**??:**  what the fuck do you want from me?

 **Sherlock** : The man was disappointed by the sexual services he was offered. The woman ran off with both the box and the money. The man is going to meet someone tonight. He's looking for revenge. Obviously. I want names, a time and a place.

 **??:**  the woman is Irene Adler, i don’t know the bloke’s name, if I did id tell you, I swear, but he goes by a codename like the rest of us, they call him The Duck

 **Sherlock** : Like the rest of… who?

 **??:**  like the rest of us, the rest of people who collaborate here in England

in London at least, I don’t really know about the rest of England

their meeting at a restaurant with an Italian name but I don’t remember what name. At 21:30

 **Sherlock:**  They’re*

So you don’t remember what name.

 **??** : man, I’m telling the truth, I don’t speak fucking Italian, alright? but they wanted it to be far away from the safe house they told me

 **Sherlock:** Fantastic, I’ve got it. Thank you for your feeble help.

 **??:**  not telling the police, are you?

man, im getting married in 2 weeks, don’t do this to me, aight?

 **Sherlock** : I’m not telling the police for now, but I certainly recommend you don’t murder anyone else during your stag night. Especially not the bride’s relatives. I’ve heard it’s a tad disrespectful.

 

**“BORED”.**

**Lestrade:** Good news! Not for everyone though, just for me. For the first time in a long while, I’m not working tomorrow. Thank god for Sunday.

 **Molly:** Oh, that's great!

 **Sherlock:** Stop thanking God for the passing of time in a logical succession.

 **John:** Good for you, Greg. And good thing it’s Sunday tomorrow, yeah. Does anyone else feel as though these last few days have been abnormally long?

 **Lestrade:** Absolutely.

 **Molly:** Me too.

 **Sherlock** : … Well, yes.

 **Mycroft:**  Very long, and all of you make it worse.

 **John:** We’re all on the same boat, then.

 **Lestrade:** This group chat is a big boat we’re all on.

 **Molly:** What a weird sentence.

Hey, by the way - tomorrow it will have been a week since Sherlock made the group chat.

 **John:** Oh… It will.

 **Lestrade:** Ooh, happy weekiversary to this group chat, should we celebrate it over drinks tomorrow? Haha

 **Mycroft:** The word “weekiversary” is a merciless crime towards both English and Latin and you should be ashamed.

 **Lestrade:** Well, then, you’re not invited to the drinks

 **Sherlock** : It’s been nearly a week since the creation of this group and I’m still just as bored, wonderful.

 **John:** Sherlock, you say you’re bored every day, the minute we get home from… literally solving crimes. Today you said you were almost feeling overwhelmed by the amount of cases you have, and now you're bored! How can your lifestyle not excite you enough?

 **Sherlock:** _Our_ lifestyle excites _you_ enough because your mind doesn’t have much room for excitement, but I assure you I’m starved of it. And speaking of starvation, want to go out for dinner?

 **John:** We’ve _just_ had dinner.

 **Sherlock:** I know.

 **John:** Are you really disrespecting Mrs. Hudson’s food like that?

 **Sherlock** : Oh no no no, it was delicious, but now we’ll be having dinner _outside_.

 **John:** How can you still be hungry?

 **Sherlock:** Who said I’m hungry? Stop texting and take your coat.

 **Lestrade** : Sherlock wants something to do _outside_ , specifically. That rings a bell.

 **John:** Is that what this is about, avoiding Irene?

 **Sherlock:** Maybe.

 **Molly:** What is so bad about Irene? 

 **Mycroft:** Are you legitimately asking that? 

 **Molly:** OK, besides the fact she walks around naked and collaborates with criminals.

 **John:** Well, you never know why Sherlock does anything or feels a particular way about anyone, but I think what's wrong is that she keeps flirting with Sherlock. At Sherlock.

 **Molly:** Is that his life now? Just Irene Adler walking around naked flirting with him?

 **Lestrade:** Sounds like a lot of fun.

 **Sherlock:** It's not.

 **John:** Fine then, Sherlock. Dinner. But no more Japanese food.

 **Sherlock:** Don’t worry, we’re going to the Italian in the next street over. There’s going to be someone interesting around there in around five minutes.

 **John:**  Oh, is _that_ what this is about?

 **Molly:** What is “that”?

 **John:** Just something related to the case.

 **Sherlock:** No it’s not, I also feel like having dinner with you, now will you stop texting and take your coat?, we’ll be late.

 **Molly:** You two take no breaks, do you?

 **Lestrade:** Sherlock come on, let John sleep, he has work to do on Monday.

 **Molly:** Don’t know about John, but I’m going to sleep. Good night to everyone!

 **Lestrade:** Good night, Molls!

And seriously, all of you - I’m considering having those drinks, let me know what you think tomorrow.

 **Mycroft:** Judging by your constant dates these days, I’d say you’ve already taken enough breaks from your job on Scotland Yard.

 **Lestrade** : As I said, not working tomorrow. Also, I've been on two dates. Two. Not my fault you don't ever go out, but for most, that's a normal amount.

You’re just bitter that you’re not invited to the drinks, aren’t you?

 **Mycroft:** Absolutely not.

 **Lestrade:**  You know what, I’ll even invite you too, to see if you loosen up and stop being so grumpy.

 **Mycroft:** _Absolutely not_ , thank you and please.

 **Lestrade:** Alright. You said it, not me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!! Feel free to tell me if you're annoyed by how long the chapters are lately or if you're okay with it lol


	10. Weekiversary

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's been a week since Sherlock made the group chat, so a celebration is in order!

_Weekiversary Sunday!_

 

 

 **Molly:** Good morning!!

 **Lestrade** : Good morning!

 **John:** Good morning, guys.

 **Sherlock** : Oh, Molly. Two exclamation marks. Excited?

 **Lestrade** : Maybe she’s excited about the weekiversary drinks. (Mycroft, don’t dare say a word)

 **John:** You’re serious about that, eh?

 **Lestrade:** Sure, if you guys are up for it

 **Molly:** I am!

 **John:** Me too, if Sherlock doesn’t suddenly decide we have to go to another Italian restaurant to spy on someone.

Yesterday we had to order food twice because the blokes we were watching were having a really long conversation.

 **Sherlock:** Most of it irrelevant. It was very irritating.

 **John:** The food was good, though. I nearly threw up because of how much I’d eaten but it was good.

 **Lestrade:** Well, I’m _making_ you two come and take your minds off Adler’s case.

 **John:** I'd be thankful.

 **Sherlock:** That’s ridiculous. It’s impossible to just “take your mind off” something.

 **Lestrade:** Maybe to you.

 **Molly:** He’s Sherlock, what do we expect?

 **Sherlock:** Are you guys seriously telling me you are simply capable of… doing an activity and forgetting about another, different activity or thought in the process?

 **Lestrade** : Yes

 **Molly:** Temporarily but yes

 **John:** Yeah.

 **Sherlock:** That... can’t be true.

 **Lestrade:** Oh it is. Especially if you get drunk enough.

 **Sherlock:** _That_ is what you lot want, to get drunk?

 **Molly:** Oh, no, no way, not tonight. It’s a Sunday, Greg, don’t go crazy.

 **Lestrade:**  But if we could we would, right? 

 **John:** Maybe another day, ha.

 **Sherlock** : And would you legitimately consider that fun? 

 **Lestrade:** Yeah, I guess?

 **Sherlock:** Really?

 **John:** God, Sherlock, I need to get you drunk someday. 

 **Sherlock:** You “need to”?

 **Lestrade:** Wow, John

 **Molly:** Wouldn't that be fun?

 **Sherlock:** “Fun”... 

Mycroft, help me out here. I never ask you for anything. Give me some words of comfort.

 **Mycroft** : Doctor Watson, D.I. Lestrade and Molly Hooper, the three of you are deeply, almost unsettlingly strange at times.

 **Sherlock:** Thank you, brother.

 **Lestrade:** You’re one to talk, British Government.

 **John:** Aaaand Mycroft saves the day.

 **Mycroft:** I often do.

 **Sherlock:** Except when you inadvertently give out government secrets to people like Irene Adler.

 **Mycroft:** I’m leaving now. Too busy for this.

 **Lestrade:** What a funny brother relationship you two have.

 **Molly:**  Yeah. “Mycroft, give me some words of comfort and then get out, you gave government secrets away”.

 **Sherlock** : I don’t see the contradiction.

...

 **Lestrade** : So, where are we meeting for the drinks?

 **John:** I’m sure Sherlock knows someplace good. Seeing as he has the London A-Z memorized.

 **Lestrade:** If the restaurants where you two have your dates are any good, then I trust him

 **John:** They’re NOT DATES.

They’re really good, though.

 **Molly:** Hahahaha

 **Lestrade** : What do you say Sherlock?

 **Sherlock** : I’m too busy to care where you all go get drunk.

 **Molly:** I insist, we’re not really getting drunk, it’s a Sunday

 **John:** What do you mean “you all”, you aren’t coming?

 **Lestrade:** Sherlock, I told you I’m making you come and I wasn’t kidding.

 **John:** Also, speaking of being busy. What are you so busy with? ‘Cause all I told you was to go downstairs to ask Mrs. Hudson something and it’s been ten minutes.

 **Lestrade:** You told Sherlock to do that and he actually went do it? Fishy, you should’ve suspected something.

 **Sherlock:** Ah, yes, got distracted. Just text her. I saw you texting her yesterday, so don’t say she doesn’t know how to text. You were going to say that.

And no I’m not going, you all have your fun.

 **John:** How could you have seen me texting her? First time I texted her you weren’t there yet. And then the second time, when she sent me the good night text full of emojis, you were busy “arguing” with Irene about the aesthetic of the skull on the mantelpiece.

 **Lestrade:** Never thought I’d be so amused by these glimpses into the life of Sherlock Holmes and John Watson. And Irene Adler. Apparently.

 **Molly:** Oh, the domesticity of having a woman stay over at your flat because you’re solving a case for her.

 **Lestrade:** As a result of her extortion, for which she used government secrets.

 **Molly:** That she stole from your brother.

 **Sherlock:** I can multitask, John, and don’t act like you don’t know his name is Billy.

 **Lestrade** : Whose name?

 **John:** The skull, Greg. The skull on the mantelpiece.

 **Molly:** Sorry to interrupt, but Sherlock, it _would_ be nice if you had those drinks with us. Last time I saw you, you were running about uncovering dead bodies and you barely said one word to me. Wouldn’t do you any harm to… just… hang out, be social, you know?

 **Sherlock** : Actually, it would do me a considerable amount of psychological harm.

 **John:**  Don't listen to him, he's just being dramatic.

 **Sherlock:** I’m BUSY.

 **John:** If you’ve found anything new about any of the cases we’re doing and that’s why you’re busy... you know I will go with you, right? 

 **Lestrade:** Now both of you want to sneak off, huh? No, no, no. If I wanted to just have some drinks with Molly I would have texted her privately.

 **Molly:** Yes. He would have :)

 **Mycroft:** That would be three dates on a row, D.I., and surely that isn’t normal even for boring people.

Oh, sorry, I meant “for most” people, like you phrased it.

 **Lestrade:** Look at the guy who said he’s busy.

 **John:** Sherlock and Mycroft are the same - selectively busy any time they don’t like where a conversation is going.

 **Molly:** Exactly!

 **Mycroft:** That’s not true.

 **Sherlock** : That’s not true in this case.

 **Lestrade:** You two literally sent these texts within the same millisecond. Chilling.

 **Sherlock:** Fine. I have in fact found something relevant to the case. But it’s nothing you should leave the house for, John, so don’t. I don’t like leaving Irene to her own devices for too long, with Mrs. Hudson downstairs and all that. She might get naked again.

 **John** : Oh, so I’m here to babysit Irene.

 **Sherlock:**  Ah, John, you always have the right words.

 **Molly:** Where does she sleep?

 **John:** Sorry?

 **Molly:** Irene Adler. If it isn’t too personal, haha

 **John:** Well, it seems like we’ve got a rotating system, because she slept in my bed the first time and in Sherlock’s bed last night.

 **Lestrade:** Oooh, Sherlock, anything you want to tell us? ;)

 **Sherlock:** Sorry?

 **Lestrade** : You know. About you and Adler. ;) ;)

 **Molly:** Oh my God, was the winky face necessary

 **John:** She didn’t sleep WITH Sherlock, Lestrade, for God’s sake.

 **Sherlock** : Cross with him...

 **John:** Huh?

 **Sherlock:** But yes, she slept in my bed. _I_ slept on the kitchen table. Briefly, and accidentally. My intention was to stay up all night.

 **John:** Oh, yeah. I saw him there in the kitchen when I went downstairs this morning, you should’ve seen him. Sitting completely still on the chair, face smashed against his microscope. I thought he was dead for a second.

 **Sherlock:** John!

 **Lestrade:** Hahahaha, what, don’t like him sharing such scandalous details?

I was joking about Irene and Sherlock though, I feel like it'd be more likely of Sherlock to share John's bed with him while Irene is sleeping in his

 **Molly:** Sherlock, at least sleep on the sofa! That mustn’t be good for your back. Or your... face.

 **Sherlock:**  Bah. Stop distracting me, I’m supposed to be busy.

 **John:** Just a question, Sherlock, how did you manage to “find something relevant to the case” during the trip from here to Mrs. Hudson’s? It’s just... a flight of stairs.

 **Sherlock:** Oh, when I was already downstairs I saw the window out of the corner of my eye and spotted a passerby whose beard reminded me of the waiter at the Italian restaurant, which suddenly made everything make sense as I finally picked up on a couple of important details from the conversation we heard yesterday between those two men, and now I’m on my way to an abandoned warehouse.

 **Molly:** Wow.

 **John:** What? How? What was the matter with his beard?

 **Sherlock:** Sorry, John, I’ll explain it all to you later. I’ve nearly got run over by a truck just now.

 **John:** Sherlock, Jesus Christ. I’ve told you not to text while running around London.

 **Molly:** Sherlock! Be careful! 

You guys, leave a message on this chat when you're not busy anymore (and your lives are no longer at risk) and we can talk about those drinks.

 **Lestrade:**  Yeah! And I’m warning you two, lovebirds, this is a group event, you’re coming.

I’ll even un-uninvite Mycroft again, for the sake of community bonds.

 **Mycroft:** Shall I remind you it was me who declined the invitation last time we discussed this?

 **Lestrade:** Don’t worry, it’s all forgotten, mate.

 **Mycroft:** Oh, for God’s sake.

Brother, do me a favour and don’t die run over by any vehicle while on your way to an abandoned warehouse. That death wouldn’t do you justice. At least... Jump from a building dramatically. Orchestrate your own death. I don’t know, something.

 **John:** Truly an adorable way of showing your concern for him.

 **Mycroft:** Yours was too, doctor Watson.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 **John** ’s phone.

 

**“Sherlock”.**

_Status: -_

**John:** Sherlock.

I don’t know much about the hint you’re going after, but turn back. I’ve been doing some research and...

_*sends address*_

I think you should be quick. They’re going to be meeting there, but I don’t know how long before they leave.

 

 

**“BORED”.**

**John** : So you’ve all agreed on drinks, then?

 **Greg:**  Yeah - I mean, when Sherlock decides he’s tired of rummaging around warehouses. But you’ve agreed on drinks too, right?

 **John:** Sherlock, Sherlock… He never does get tired of that sort of thing, does he? It’s his version of excitement.

 **Greg** : … I would say it's yours too.

 **John:**  Yes, that sounds right.

And why isn’t the older Holmes brother up for drinks too?

 **Greg:** Uh... I’ve "known Mycroft" for six years, but you know, the extent of our relationship was creepy texts and that kind of thing, so... I feel like you know him way better than I do.

 **John:** Don’t be so sure, Lestrade. The Holmes are two huge mysteries.

 **Mycroft.** : And you are an even bigger mystery, Adler.

 **Greg:** Wait, this is Irene Adler?

 **John:** Awh, you never let me have fun, Holmes.

Ah! Look. That’s something you have in common with your brother. Except… when he lets me.

 **Mycroft.** : That’s what you’re doing here? Having fun?

 **John:** This confinement is so boring, always in the company of nice little John, wearing his nice little jumpers, sitting waiting for Sherlock to come home.

 **Greg:** Yeah, looks like this is Irene Adler. I knew there was something weird about John's texting. Right.

 **John:** Hi there, Detective Inspector! I’m sure you did. I was charmed to meet you the other day, but I must admit I prefer just “detectives”.

 **Greg:** I can see that.

 

 

**“Sherlock”.**

_Status: Online._

**Sherlock:** On my way. Since when do you do so much “research”?

You’re not going to explain yourself further?

_..._

Okay, I get it. Fine. No texting while running around London.

 

 

**“BORED”.**

**Mycroft.:** If you’re so bored of your “confinement”, then, by all means, go outside and let yourself be found by those who are after you.

 **John:** “Those who are after you”. Very vague terms.

You don’t know anything about it, do you? Your little brother has told you nothing about that, neither has his partner, and that frustrates you.

 **Mycroft.:** One who is a bit sharp and possesses enough information does not need to be told anything most of the time.

Particularly, to recognize such a quaint little group of criminals.

 **John:** Oh, really?

 **Mycroft.:** Bulgarians, are they? I have been to Sofia… perhaps twice. I suppose you have explored it in more depth, of course. As well as its people.

 **John:** Ah, the Holmes. The man who knows things and the man who deduces things. Always fighting to determine which one is the best advantage to have in the end... But I don’t like to take sides.

 **Mycroft.:** Are you sure you don’t?

 **John:** When I take sides, I take mine.

 **Molly:** What’s going on…?

 **Greg:** Irene Adler and Mycroft Holmes, having their version of a fun chat

 **John:** Oh! I don’t think we’ve met, Molly, but I’m sure I would be charmed, too.

Ah, I hear the rightful owner of this phone looking for it upstairs, I’m afraid soon will be the time to say goodbye.

 **Molly:** Thank you.

 **Greg:** Huh?

 **Molly:** For what she said…

 **Greg:** About being charmed to meet you?

 **Molly:**  Yes

 **Mycroft.:** God, Hooper. Sometimes it’s like you people have never heard of not saying every single thing that crosses your mind.

 **John:** I like her, actually.

I like you, Molly Hooper. You’ve been far more polite than anybody else I’ve talked to in the last week.

Then again, begging for mercy in a certain, professional context doesn’t really count as politeness…

In the last month, then.

 **Molly:** Oh. Alrighty.

 **Greg:** So... just out of curiosity, Adler...

 **John:** Yes?

 **Greg:** What exactly is your opinion on the skull on the mantelpiece?

 **John:** I don't like it as decoration, but it seems to be a good enough John substitute. Now, when John is gone, Sherlock talks to it instead of me. 

Its contributions to the conversation are certainly just as valuable as John's. 

My guess is that Sherlock likes talking to himself without anybody questioning his thoughts, like I do.

I've got to go. Keep being polite, Molly. Talk to you all some other time. Maybe. xx

 

 

**“Sherlock”.**

_Status: Online._

Sherlock: You’re not John.

 

 

**“BORED”.**

**Greg:** Alright then.

 **Molly:** She’s... surprisingly nice.

 **Greg:** To be fair, when you’re used to all these “geniuses” being complete idiots, yeah, she seems nice.

 **Molly:** So, what's her job, then?

I mean, because of the comment about a “professional context”...

 **Mycroft.:** Oh, God. She's a dominatrix. Hard to believe, even coming from you, that it has to be spelled out.

 **John** : Can't you simply just leave your phone on a damn table in this flat without anything happening??

 **Greg:** Hello, John

 **John:** Wearing my “nice little jumpers”, what's wrong with my jumpers?

 **Molly:** Yeah, I don’t know. I mean, I like them.

 **John:** When does Sherlock “let her have fun”? What was that supposed to mean?

 **Molly:** No idea, really...

 **John:** And just for the record, I question Sherlock's thoughts. If I had to listen to him talk to himself without being able to say a word, I would've strangled him already. 

 **Greg:** Relax, John.

 **John:** I’m relaxed.

 **Sherlock:** John. I’m pretty sure I told you your function was pretty much to babysit Irene, as you put it. Will I have to look for a better nanny?

 **John:** Well, you see, I’m overworked, having to babysit two of you.

I’ve just seen the text I “sent” you… I didn’t send it. Obviously.

 **Sherlock:** Ask her why she insists on trying to make me waste my time.

 **John:** Irene?

 **Sherlock:** Obviously.

_..._

**John:** She says it's just for the fun of it and that she gets bored too.

She's just said “I'm not necessarily wasting his time”.

“But he always assumes that, doesn't he”.

“Unless it's his doctor Watson who is…” first of all, tell Irene I'm not ‘your doctor Watson’.

 **Sherlock:** You aren't?

 **John:** “who is telling him to do something, he’ll consider it a waste of time”. This is a complete lie. If you didn't consider my words to be a waste of time, you would buy the milk more often.

 **Sherlock** : So she says she's not really trying to waste my time.

 **John:** I guess.

 **Sherlock** : Come with me to the address she sent me.

 **John:** Me?

 **Sherlock** : No, my beloved brother Mycroft. Of course you. Bring your gun, forgot mine.

 **John:** I was actually just about to have lunch.

 **Sherlock:** Without me?

 **John:** I mean… I had already accepted that you'd spend half of today running around London.

 **Sherlock:** We'll have lunch somewhere on the way back.

Somewhere you like.

 **John:**  Okay. Coming.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 **Greg:** Sherlock, do you happen to be wearing your scarf untied over your shoulders like it's one of those things popes wear?

 **Sherlock:** … Is that a trick question because you know I don't know what type of clothing popes wear?

 **Greg:** Well, you know, untied, going around your neck and over your shoulders... all the way down… at the front... like… Now that you mention it, I'm not sure popes wear that.

 **Mycroft.:** … You mean a stole, and not only popes wear it.

 **Greg:** Oh, look. John's with you, too. I mean, of course he is.

 **John:** Now you're the one who has cameras, Greg?

 **Greg:** No, I've just seen you across the street, haha.

Do you two see me?

 **Sherlock:** What the hell are you doing outside, Lestrade?

 **Greg:** I don't know... Run errands? Live my life? I go outside all the time, you know, it's not a

Hey! Don't run from me!

 **John:** For God's sake, this man.

 **Molly:** Hahahaha

 **Mycroft.** : Run, brother. Run.

 **Molly:** I've seen Sherlock run. I hope you do a lot of jogging Greg.

 **John:** He must, considering his job.

 **Mycroft.:** I doubt it. Most likely he sits in his office eating doughnuts all day.

 **Molly:** Don't you dare start, Holmes. 

 **Sherlock:** As if _you_ do a lot of jogging, brother.

 **Molly:** Thanks for backing me up, Sherlock

 **Sherlock:** No problem.

 **John:** Are you really texting while running? Again?

 **Sherlock:** For the second time today, John, I can multitask.

_…_

_..._

_..._

**Greg:** Looks like he can't, hahaha.

 **John** : What, you caught him?

 **Greg:** Affirmative. Now he's coming to the weekiversary drinks for sure, guys.

 **Molly** : Are you sure though? You might want to handcuff him

 **Greg:** Aw, damn, you're right. Shame I don't have any handcuffs on me at the moment.

 **Molly:** What is your job even good for, Detective Inspector?!

 **Greg:** Well, Molly Hooper, that hurts. 

He isn't running away for now though.

 ***** _sends picture*_

 **Molly:** Hahaha well you two are adorable. I've never seen Sherlock in a selfie before, I think!

 **John:** Jesus. Greg, your blinding smile really suits Sherlock's unbearably grumpy face.

 **Sherlock:** John. I am essentially being held captive at the moment. Come help.

 **John:** You ran off and just left me here alone!

 **Sherlock:** I was expecting you to come along!

 **Greg:** Look at this big baby, he’s right next to me and refuses to talk to me in person.

 **Sherlock:** Lestrade, when you least expect it, I am going to forcibly take your phone from you, delete that photo, and ruin your social life in my way out.

 **Greg:** See?

 **John:** Ah, I see you two.

“Weekiversary” drinks is a go, then.

 **Mycroft.:** Not you too, doctor Watson, please.

 **Sherlock:** If you make me go, then I guess so.

 **Molly:** Sherlock, why don't you want to come have some drinks with us anyway?

 **Sherlock:** Because.

That's the kind of thing you people do. Have some drinks together.

 **Molly:**  "You people"?

 **Sherlock:** It's not my area.

People, normal people, go drink to take their minds off things and get drunk, as it turns out. And have fun. And make small talk. And do a retelling of jokes you saw on Facebook. And say sentences that end with “am I right?”

 **Greg:** OK… so what you're trying to say is…

 **Sherlock:** I don't work in that setting.

I would ruin your fun. I suppose.

 **Molly:** I thought you were going to say “I would get bored”.

 **Sherlock** : That too.

 **John:** You're saying you don't want to go for _our_ sake, so we won't have our fun ruined?

 **Greg:** Sounds fake.

 **Sherlock:** I shouldn't have said anything. Just go have fun.

 **John:** Sherlock, you do know what “weekiversary” we’re celebrating?

 **Mycroft.:** At least you type the word between quote marks…

 **John:** The weekiversary of your stupid little group chat. It's about you more than about us, to be honest.

 **Mycroft.** : And away go the quote marks.

 **Greg:** You know what? That’s true. We're essentially celebrating the weird stuff you've been sharing with us for a week now

 **Molly:** Exactly, it wouldn't be the same without you!

 **John:** Honestly, if these two just wanted to make small talk and tell terrible jokes and discuss… the weather, I guess, I wouldn't want to go either.

No offense.

 **Molly:** None taken.

If we’re here it's because we all like you, Sherlock.

 **Greg:** Hmmm...

 **Molly:** … At varying degrees.

 **Greg:** And sometimes not so much

But hell, that's what makes it fun, innit

 **John:** Besides, you can be infinitely more funny and charismatic than any “normal person” can be.

...

Is no one going to say anything else? Now my message sounds weird.

I didn't really mean…

Sherlock, just text us. Or if you spoke to us in real life that would be nice, too.

...

Alright. Good news, Molly. He's agreed to the drinks.

 **Molly** : Great!

 **Greg:**  Yes, finally. Our evil plan, getting Sherlock drunk, will soon succeed.

In case Sherlock sees this later, I'm just joking.

 **Molly:** Or maybe not? Haha

 **Greg:** No, Molly, seriously, he doesn't understand humour sometimes, don't make it ambiguous.

 **Molly:** Sorry, right.

 **John** : This is where we're going.

_*sends address*_

Thanks, Sherlock, for your extensive London knowledge.

 **Molly:** I have a question, for John and Sherlock.

 **John:** What is it?

 **Molly:** Did anything interesting come of that address Irene sent you that you went to?

 **John:** Uh, no. It was, in fact, a false lead. And she was, in fact, wasting Sherlock's time.

But we had a nice lunch.

 **Greg:** Are we okay with meeting in two hours?

 **Molly:** Perfect! See you then, boys!

 **Greg:** This is your last chance to tag along, Holmes.

 **Mycroft.:** Really, Lestrade?

 **Greg:** Hahaha

No, not really. Don't come.

...

_Greg Lestrade changed the profile picture._

**John:** When Sherlock stops ignoring his phone, he's going to get so mad.

 **Greg:** I'm going to miss your extremely-zoomed-in face, but this is the best selfie I've ever taken.

 **Molly:** I love both your faces in it, haha. John was right, your smile suits his grimace.

 **John:** I didn't even know you could change the picture of the group chat.

 **Greg:** Really?

 **John:** I thought only Sherlock could.

If I had known do you think I would have let it be my face?

 **Greg:** Now THAT makes sense.

 **John:** Lately I feel like Mrs. Hudson is way more knowledgeable in technology than me. First she starts texting me, and now she mass texts photos of her food to all her contacts.

Sherlock hates it, by the way. Really hates it.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 **Greg:** Hey, Holmes. Having fun doing whatever you’re doing?

 **Mycroft.:** Are you getting drunk together already?

 **Greg:** _*audio message*_

 **Mycroft.** : Ah, yes, you are. Is that Sherlock talking? There is so much chatter in the background, I can barely hear. It sounds like a stressing environment.

 **Greg:** _*audio message*_

 **Mycroft.:** Eek. Who is he deducing all of that about?

 **Greg:**  Random woman John was checking out

 **Mycroft.:** I suppose doctor Watson isn’t interested in her any longer.

 **Molly:** Doesn’t look it.

 **Lestrade:** I feel like that was Sherlock's goal.

 **Molly:** We should be careful after all. It could be another…

What did Sherlock say? Morally dubious person?

It could be another morally dubious person sending John a potential girlfriend to fool him.

 **Greg:** It’s alarming how fast John finds himself potential girlfriends anyway

 **John:** She wasn’t a potential girlfriend, I WAS JUST LOOKING AT HER. I hate you all.

 **Greg:** _*audio message*_

 **Mycroft.:** The laughter makes it difficult to hear, but I can tell it is nothing that interests me.

Remember to go to bed soon, little children.

 **Greg:** Hold on, I’m going to tell Sherlock to say a message for his dear brother.

 **Mycroft.:** Don’t.

 **Greg:** _*audio message*_

 **Mycroft.:** … Well, that’s... rude of him.

 **Greg:** No comeback, eh? He said you’d have no comeback

_*audio message*_

**Mycroft.** : Lestrade, your voice indicates that you are a pint away from getting drunk.

 **Greg:** Sherlock said a pint and a half, I'm listening to him.

 

 

* * *

 

 **Molly:** Just got home… Happy weekiversary! That was fun.

 **Mycroft.:** _Please,_  do not celebrate the subsequent ones.

 **Greg:** You’ve just given me a great idea! Weekly drinks! Just to spite the elder Holmes brother.

 **John:** It WAS fun. Pretty fun. Weekly drinks might be pushing it, though.

 **Greg:** How are you holding up, John? Still feeling giddy?

 **John:** I was never feeling giddy.

 **Greg:** Sherlock had to help you stand up…

 **John:** For one second! I just temporarily lost my sense of orientation... My bad leg is still not quite cured, you know.

 **Greg:** I’m sure that’s why.

 **Molly:** You did look a little tipsy towards the end of the evening, John.

 **Greg** : You were giggling a LOT.

 **Sherlock:** That’s because I am hilarious.

 **Molly:** Sherlock! It was so nice to spend a while with you, no dead bodies around. What did you think of the evening, then? You genuinely looked like you were enjoying yourself. :)

 **Mycroft.:**  You find yourself such ordinary ways of passing the time, brother. I'm equal parts disappointed and relieved that you won't be seeking entertainment elsewhere. 

 **Molly:** Elsewhere?

 **Sherlock:** It was good.

 **Molly:** OK! Nice to hear.

 **Greg:** Is that all? Come on, you had lots of fun. In fact you were strangely smiley. Laughing an unusual amount.

(Unusual for you)

I would think you got tipsy too, if it wasn’t for the fact that you took that test tube thing to measure the amount of alcohol you had to drink.

 **John:** Oh, the weird looks everyone kept shooting at him.

And don’t say “you got tipsy too” because I’m not tipsy.

 **Molly:** Greg! Send the photos you took!

 **Greg:** Oh, yeah, almost forgot.

_*sends picture*_

Look, it’s us, Molls! You look great. 

 **Molly:** Thank you! You're a sweetheart!! Is that not too much lipstick?

 **Greg:** 'Course not, it looks perfect.

 **Mycroft.:** Oh please, get a room. Or a private chat.

 **Greg:** What do you say, Molls? We can get both 

 **Molly:** Oh, shush.

It's such a cute pic, though. I think it’s going to be my next profile picture.

 **Sherlock:** Skip to the interesting photos, Lestrade.

 **Greg:** Piss off, Sherlock.

_*sends picture*_

**Molly:** Ah, Sherlock wearing his scarf like it’s a stole... That was before that woman ripped it off him.

 **Greg** : He got so offended.

 **Sherlock:** Wouldn't you have? Why would you rip off a person's scarf? All because I made a couple of deductions.

 **Greg:** You insulted her and implied her husband was cheating on her.

 **Sherlock:** No. I don't imply things. I affirmed it.

 **John:** Nothing to say about the insults then?

 **Sherlock** : They weren't insults!

 **Molly:** Thankfully John defended you, Sherlock! And Greg too! 

 **John:** Oh yeah, she was really about to call the police before Greg told her _he_ was the police.

 **Greg:** Oh wait, I've got a picture of what happened afterwards... 

_*sends picture*_

**Mycroft.:** Am I mistaken or is that you escorting Sherlock out of the bar as if he is being arrested? 

 **Greg:** It turned out I did have some spare handcuffs

 **Sherlock:** And they weren't necessary, considering we were just pretending.

 **Greg:** I've told you, Sherlock, it was just for realism :)

 **John:** And also because you found it fun, wasn't it.

 **Greg:** Okay, that too

 ***** _sends picture*_

 **Mycroft.:** Can I ask why you climbed to the bar counter, Sherlock?

 **Sherlock:** No.

 **John:** A regular person would have done it because they were drunk, but Sherlock? Sherlock did it in complete sobriety.

 **Greg:** That's what you meant when you said he's more charismatic than normal people?

 **John:** Shut up. And I didn't exactly say that.

 **Greg:** Ok, last one!  _*sends picture*_

 **John:** Why did you take a photo of me??

 **Greg:** No offence, but you looked kind of like an idiot listening to Sherlock talk... Look at the smile on your face... It was just too tempting.

It was also tempting to zoom it in like Sherlock did with your other photo, but I resisted that temptation.

 **Sherlock:** No worries. I'll do it.

_Sherlock changed the profile picture._

**Molly:** The extreme zoom is back!

 **Greg:** Hey! What do you have against the profile pic being our selfie together?

 **Sherlock:** Many, many things.

 **John:** Sherlock!

 **Sherlock:** What, don't you prefer this pic? That smile looks much better on you than the forehead wrinkles did.

_You changed the profile picture._

**Greg:** Oooh, careful, John now knows how to change the profile picture.

 **Sherlock:** If you're going to use a picture of me don't make it the one in which I was on top of a bar counter!

 **Greg:** You're right, the pope scarf pic is better. Look.

_Greg Lestrade changed the profile picture._

**Mycroft.:** It’s called a stole…

 **Molly:** Well, Sherlock SHOULD be the face of this group chat. It’s appropriate.

 **Sherlock:**  I don't care what's appropriate.

_Sherlock changed the profile picture._

**Molly:** John’s infatuated smile vs. Sherlock wearing a scarf like a stole. Who will win?

_Greg Lestrade changed the profile picture._

**John:** Excuse me, “infatuated”?

_Sherlock changed the profile picture._

_Greg Lestrade changed the profile picture._

_Sherlock changed the profile picture._

_Greg Lestrade changed the profile picture._

_Sherlock changed the profile picture._

_Greg Lestrade changed the profile picture._

_Sherlock changed the profile picture._

_You changed the profile picture._

**Sherlock:** John! Lestrade’s selfie again, really?

 **John:** It's the best option so far.

 **Greg:** OK, look, I'm going to sleep. You win. 

_Sherlock changed the profile picture._

**Sherlock:** :)

 **Greg:** Good night, you madman. And the rest of you.

 **Molly** : Good night!

 **John:** Good night Greg.

Does it really have to be a picture of me?

 **Sherlock:** Last time I saw you, which was four minutes ago in the kitchen, you were visibly tired, clearly too tired to continue changing the profile picture whenever I do, which I, on the contrary, could keep doing for roughly five hours… So, yes, John, I'm afraid that’s just the way things have to be.

 **John:** Fine. I _am_ tired. Guess there's no winning with you.

 **Sherlock:** Nope.

 **Molly** : I liked Greg's selfie, but John's smile is OK too haha.

Going to sleep too. Again, lovely seeing you two today! Sweet dreams!

 **John:** Good night. Also, sure, sweet dreams.

 

**“Sherlock”.**

_Status: Online._

**John:** Hey, Sherlock.

 **Sherlock:** Yes?

 **John:** You never did clarify much about Irene.

 **Sherlock:** Hm.

 **John:** Did you know Mycroft thought she was dead from the beginning?

 **Sherlock:**  Yes. What is the point in bringing this up?

 **John:** You had something to do with it, right? Her not dying. You care about her a grest deal, right?

Great*, goddammit

 **Sherlock:** Have you disabled the autocorrect again?

 **John:** It was annoying me. Don’t avoid my question.

 **Sherlock** : I had something to do with it.

Regarding your second question, I don’t understand what point you’re trying to get to.

 **John:** I just said you care about her a lot. You know, you, Sherlock “caring is not an advantage” Holmes.

 **Sherlock** : Mycroft’s the one who says that. But if you’re so concerned about that, I don’t care about her any more than I care about you.

...

 **John:**  Also, Sherlock.

 **Sherlock:** Yes?

 **John:** Do you think there's anything wrong with my jumpers?

 **Sherlock:** … Are you sure you aren't tipsy, John? First the typo, then this.

 **John:** Irene said something about them. Not sure what she meant.

 **Sherlock:** I like your jumpers. Go to bed.

 **John:** Okay.

Don't fall asleep on the microscope.

 **Sherlock:** Don't worry, not using it tonight. I'll most likely fall asleep on the pile of documents on the living room table. Much healthier for my face. As Molly said.

 **John:** You’re impossible… Good night.

 **Sherlock:** Yeah, that. Sweet dreams. As Molly said. I suppose. Whatever. 

Wait, John. Still there? 

 **John:** Yeah, what's the matter? 

 **Sherlock:** I value your contributions. 

I do need someone to question my thoughts every once in a while. And you do it best. 

 **John:** Oh.

 **Sherlock:** And you're an excellent conductor of light.

 **John:** You've spoilt it again... Just don't say that.

 **Sherlock:** Okay. 

 **John:** Thank you. 

 **Sherlock:** Okay. 

I mean, no problem, you're welcome. It's nothing. 

 **John:** Are you just randomly saying typical responses to "thank you"? 

 **Sherlock:** Yes. 

 **John:** Okay.

Good night. 

 **Sherlock:** Good night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! I love the comments you guys leave, they make me really happy.  
> I think I'm going to start having something that vaguely resembles a schedule? I'll probably update like twice a week from now on.


	11. A strict “no stripping” policy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John has to go to work, but that won't stop Sherlock from making him help in his case. Also, schedules don't mean anything, Sherlock has been living a lie and the Holmes' Christmas dinners must be a wonder to behold.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm trying to write shorter chapters again, but I think at this point I can't help it anymore, I can't write less than 3K words per chapter lol

**Greg** ’s phone.

_Monday_

 

**“BORED”.**

**Molls:** Good morning!

 **Greg:** Good morning! Back to work today!

 **Johnny:** Good morning. Don’t remind me.

 **Greg:** Bold of you to be whiny about going back to work after having spent a week relaxing at home.

 **Johnny:** Sorry, _relaxing at home_? As if every day with Sherlock isn’t a near death experience!

 **Molls:** Still, John, it’s more fun. I personally would’ve preferred solving cases with him to going to work

 **Greg:** Would you really, Molly?

 **Molls:** … Don’t make me think too much about it, it’s starting to sound like a bad idea

 **Johnny:** Sherlock, despite having furiously told me he’s “very busy” twice this morning, has just looked up from his papers to ask me if the pattern is going on as usual.

 **Greg:** The pattern?

 **Molls:** The “good morning” pattern he pointed out?

 **Johnny:** I guess so.

 **Sherlock:** Yes, of course the “good morning” pattern. It’s been going strong for a week now. Glad to see it thriving.

Molly!

 **Molls:** Yes?

 **Sherlock:** It may please you to know that last night I slept on the couch instead of the microscope.

 **Molls:** Oh, well done! You need to take care of yourself, you know.

 **Sherlock:** Also, when I woke up, a blanket had sort of appeared over me. Oh, well. That's the same thing that happens with breakfast.

Well, conversation’s over. And Molly. “You need to take care of yourself, you know”... You sound too much like Mrs. Hudson, you might want to stop that.

I'm busy. Bye!

 **Molls:** Uh… alright! Bye!

 **Johnny:** And he's back to his papers.

Mrs. Hudson is the one who brings him breakfast, but don't tell him.

 **Greg:**  Does he really think breakfast “sort of appears” in the mornings?

 **Johnny:** I don’t know. He seems to.

 **Molls:** Oh my god, Sherlock

 **Greg:** John, quickly. Delete the message so that he'll never know the truth

 **Johnny:** You know what? Sure. Okay.

Done.

 **Molls:** Oh no,he’s living a lie

 **Greg:** A question just occurred to me. Do you think he knows Father Christmas isn’t real?

 **Johnny:** Who knows, ha.

Oh God. Mrs. Hudson and I left a lump of coal for him last Christmas as a joke. What have we done.

 **Molls:** Hahahaha

Btw, what about the blanket?

 **Johnny:** What about it?

Oh, right, yeah, the blanket. That was me, not Mrs. H.

 **Molls:** Aww!

 **Johnny:** What do you mean “aww”?

 **Greg** : Awwww!

 **Johnny:** Lestrade!

 **Greg:** You really do call me by my last name when you're cross.

 **Molls:** It's just cute of you to do that, John.

 **Johnny:**  It's not. I woke up in the middle of the night because of a nightmare, and went downstairs, and saw him there on the couch, actually sleeping, and I happened to remember there was a blanket somewhere.

 **Greg:** He looked like he was cold?

 **** ****Also, what's the matter with your nightmares? You keep having nightmares.

 **Molls:**  That's true. Are you ok, John?

 **Johnny:** Nothing is the matter! Look, let’s delete this whole conversation.

 **Molls:** Ooh, we’re keeping many secrets from Sherlock, are we? How exciting

 **Greg:** Sure, ok, why not.

 **Molls:** Does he _really_ not know that, though? I’d rather believe he says it as a joke...

 **Greg:** I’d rather believe he legitimately thinks it. Just because it’d be quite hilarious.

 **Molls:** How is he simultaneously so clever and so...

 **Johnny:** Stupid?

 **Molls:** Yeah, but that sounds harsh...

 **Greg:** It’s what he calls all of us all the time, we deserve a chance to give the insult back.

 **Molls:** Oh, time flies, I’ve got to leave for work, boys. Talk later!

 **Greg:** Have a nice day, Molls!

 **Molls:** Aw thanks! You too!

_..._

_..._

**Myke:** Does anyone want to give any explanations?

 **Greg:** Explanations for what?

 **Myke:** This string of deleted messages, perhaps?

 **Greg:** What deleted messages?

 **Myke:** Very funny. The pinnacle of comedy, truly.

 **Greg:** I have no idea what you’re talking about at all. Do you, John?

 **Johnny:** Not really, no.

 **Greg:** Wellllll, I’ve got to get ready for work now.

 **Johnny:** Me too, actually.

 **Greg:** Hey John, have a nice day too.

 **Johnny:** Thanks, Greg, have a nice day.

 **Greg:** Thanks.

 **Myke:** I should have listened to Sherlock the day he told me not to open this group chat if I didn’t want to see doctor Watson’s face; I should have never looked at it again. Oh, well, I have important work to do. Goodbye.

 **Johnny:** We’ll miss you.

 **Greg:** Don’t get yourself kidnapped.

 **Johnny:** Oh Greg, hang on.

 **Greg:** What?

 **Johnny:** Sherlock’s told me to tell you to read his text.

 **Greg:** What text? He hasn’t sent me anything.

 **Johnny:** Uh… I think he’s still typing it.

 

**“Sherlock”.**

_Status: Online._

**Sherlock:** I’ve got an arrest for you! Unsolved murder from last week, you must at least know about it. Young woman killed in her flat, made to look like suicide by a person who’d obviously never murdered anyone and made it look like suicide before, probably just watched a couple of detective films. Everyone who was interrogated had a perfectly valid alibi, well, not really, because the woman’s sister’s fiancé? He wasn’t out of town when the victim died, surprise! I’ve got his train ticket to prove it, and also a perfectly reasonable argument that I can expose to you which should be enough to incriminate him even without the evidence.

 

**“BORED”.**

**Greg:** Ah, there it is.

 

**“Sherlock”.**

_Status: Online._

**Greg:** You sound excited. I’d even say a bit too excited, if we weren’t talking about you.

 **Sherlock:** _*sends picture*_

 **Greg:** Alright, good, you do have the train ticket. Well done.

Wait was that taken at his place?

 **Sherlock:** You’ve been there? Involved in the case, then? His bedroom was a mess, wasn’t it. Bit of a hoarder.

 **Greg:** Definitely. So you broke into this guy’s house, looked in his drawers, found a… double bottom, right? And took a picture of his train ticket which you then took with you... You took it with you, right? When was this?

 **Sherlock:** Yes and yes. I didn’t break into his house, the landlord opened the door for me. Saturday.

 **Greg:** Why did you wait until now to tell me?

 **Sherlock:** You aren’t going to ask how I got the landlord to open the door for me?

 **Greg:** No. Look, I’m gonna need the actual ticket as evidence.

 **Sherlock:** Drop by whenever and take it. You aren’t at least going to ask about my perfectly reasonable argument?

 **Greg:** … Tell me.

_…_

**Sherlock:** _*audio message*_

 **Greg:** Wow, two whole minutes.

I’ll play it for everyone at Scotland Yard and tell you who’s the first to get sick of your talking and groan in frustration

 **Sherlock:** Wonderful! If it’s Donovan or Anderson it doesn’t count, give me fresh names.

 **Greg:** Will do.

Also... pretty clever way of getting the landlord to open the door.

 **Sherlock:** Thank you.

When you interrogate him, tell him that The Boxer and The Duck have been arrested, so he better spill the beans, and he might get a lighter sentence... or whatever a proper police officer would say.

 **Greg:** The Boxer, The Duck? Who are those?

 **Sherlock:** People who haven’t really been arrested.

 **Greg:** Ok, yeah. The Woman’s case?

 **Sherlock:** The Woman’s case.

Also tell him, on behalf of SH, that it’s a shame about his wedding, but if I were his fiancée I probably wouldn’t want to marry a man who murdered my sibling.

 **Greg:** Oookay… The “probably” part of the message concerns me a little, but I’ll tell him

 

 

* * *

 

 

**“BORED”.**

**Greg:** Hey there! Sherlock and I are doing a thing right now. I'm not very sure what it is myself, but Sherlock seems to. 

_*sends picture*_

**Sherlock:** Someone take away this man’s phone before I have the chance to, because when I get the chance to do it, it won’t be pretty.

 **Johnny:** ANOTHER selfie with Sherlock?

 **Greg:** Yeah, Scotland Yard edition. I think I'm gonna make a scrapbook.

 **Johnny:** It would be better if Donovan was in the background grimacing or something.

 **Greg:** Oh my God it would.

How’s your job going, doctor Watson? Send a selfie too

 **Johnny:** Sure, let me just snap a picture with the lady who had angina who just left.

 **Molls:** Lovely pic you two! Sherlock looks even grumpier than in the first one, how does he do it?

 **Sherlock:** And Lestrade looks even more smiley, which is even more incomprehensible.

Molly. Confiscate your boyfriend's phone.

 **Molls:** First of all, he's not my boyfriend

Second of all, if he were, I wouldn't confiscate his phone. Why would I do that?

 **Sherlock:** I don't know. Why do people do things? Why do girlfriends confiscate phones?

 **Greg:** All I’m doing is take great selfies, chill out.

 **Sherlock:** “Chill out”, really, Lestrade?

 **Molls:** You... think that's what girlfriends do, confiscate phones?

 **Sherlock:** Maybe. Happened in a case, once.

But then again, she murdered him afterwards.

 **Molls:** Oh.

I thought you were saying that because of a personal experience with some girlfriend… haha.

 **Sherlock:** Girlfriends… not really my area.

 **Molls:**  Oh.

 **Greg:** Molls, if we’re talking about you being my girlfriend, I would let you confiscate my phone no problem. Just try not to murder me afterwards and we’re good. ;)

 **Molls:** Idiot, haha

 **Sherlock:** _*audio message*_

 **Johnny:** An audio message of you retching.

Great.

 **Greg:** Oh John, imagine being beside him while he actually records it. While looking you in the eye.

 **Johnny:** Jesus.

 **Molls:** Sherlock, why

 **Johnny:** That's what I ask myself all the time, Molly. 

So are you two doing any actual work over there at Scotland Yard, or just collecting photos for the scrapbook?

 **Sherlock:** We _are_ doing some work.

 **Greg:** Say you are, because you aren’t telling me a thing about your case.

 **Sherlock:** Gladly, Lestrade. You don't deserve that much credit.

I _am_ doing some work.

I’ve made advances.

 **Johnny:** Do tell.

 **Sherlock:** I’ll update you on it when you’re here.

 **Johnny:** You know I’m at work until the evening. Unless you weren’t even listening when I told you.

 **Sherlock:** Why would I listen to that? More important question: what do schedules mean anyway? I need my blogger on the case with me, don’t I?

 **Johnny:** Do you?

 **Sherlock:** Of course yes. Besides, we’ve also got the other case. The Reichenbach Falls.

 **Johnny:** Right, the lost painting... About that, how come you’re just as concerned about a painting as you are about Irene’s case?

 **Sherlock:** You know they’re both an 8.3 on the scale!

Come on. For all we know this could be the case that makes my name, and you’re there, at boring work, with your boring patients, refusing to help me.

 **Johnny:** It’s work and it’s important. And I doubt this, of all cases, is the case that makes your name.

 **Greg:** It could be though. Come on John, do it for all of us who read your blog.

 **Molls:** I second that!

 **Sherlock:** Yes, John, listen to them. Finally they're saying something that makes sense.

 **Johnny:** I am surrounded by enemies in this group chat.

 **Sherlock:** John.

 **Johnny:** Sherlock.

 **Sherlock:** John!

 **Johnny:** Sherlock!

 **Sherlock:** Am I really interrupting your work? What, your lovely chat with angina lady?

 **Johnny:** Actually, she was a little short of breath so we couldn’t chat much.

 **Sherlock:** Oh, good. A woman you didn’t have the chance to chat up. John Watson finally sees his flirting impeded by a health condition.

 **Johnny:** Sherlock, she was 82. EIGHTY-TWO.

 **Greg:** Oh my God.

 **Sherlock:** Whatever, don’t change the subject. It’s past lunchtime and you haven’t had lunch.

 **Johnny:** How the hell do you know that?

 **Sherlock:** We can have a late lunch; schedules don’t mean anything.

 **Johnny:** Do you just want to eavesdrop on suspicious people's conversations?

 **Sherlock:** Not this time, I promise. You’ll have to step up your conversation skills if you want to be more interesting than Bulgarian criminals, though.

 **Johnny:** Sounds like a challenge.

 **Sherlock:** So you’ll come.

 **Johnny:** Just text me where you want to go.

 **Sherlock:** Ah, yes, that’s my doctor Watson. Can’t resist a challenge.

 **Johnny:** You’re just calling me “your doctor Watson” because Irene called me that, aren’t you?

 **Sherlock:** It does have a nice ring to it.

_..._

**Greg:** Well, for no particular reason, I have just decided that this group chat needs a fresh look.

_You changed the profile picture._

**Molls:** Hahaha, and there's the selfie! Love it, Greg

 **Sherlock:** Do NOT dare touch John's face.

_Sherlock changed the profile picture._

**Greg:** John, look at that. Your smiling face is the sacred profile picture. We'll never get to change it back.

 **Johnny:** _*audio message*_

 **Greg:** Sherlock sends an audio just to make gagging noises and... you send an audio just to sigh loudly. You really are made for each other.

 

**“Sherlock”**

_Status: Online._

**Greg:** By the way, you weren’t there yet when I played that two-minute audio of you talking.

 **Sherlock:** Right. And what’s your report?

 **Greg:** I know you said not to mention Sally and Anderson, but at some point they got frustrated enough that they sighed simultaneously, I found that funny.

After them, it was Dimmock who first sighed in frustration.

 **Sherlock:** Great. Nothing unexpected. Thank you for keeping me informed.

 **Greg:** No problem.

 

* * *

 

 

**“BORED”.**

**Molls:** Good evening, guys!

 **Greg:** Evening Molly! Doing good?

 **Molls:** Yes - just got home after meeting some friends :) You?

 **Greg:** No friends for me, just working late. Unless you decide to count Anderson as a friend.

 **Sherlock:** I would barely count him as a member of Scotland Yard. Hello. Molly, I see you and your friends are really going strong. That’s two days in a row. You suddenly turn out to have friends and you really don’t stop, do you?

 **Myke:** She seems to work in twos. Did the same thing with her dates with Lestrade.

 **Greg:** What do you two do at family reunions? Giggle like old dames as you pick apart every single detail of Normal People’s lives over some tea and biscuits?

 **Sherlock:** Mum hates that, so we don’t do it anymore.

 **Johnny:** Yeah, good evening to you all.

 **Molls:** I’d love to meet your mother, Sherlock.

 **Myke:** You two are not that close, Hooper. Hoping for her to become your mother-in-law, while you’re at it?

 **Molls:** What?? No!

Of course I'll probably never meet her.

I just mean that it’d be… interesting to meet her.

 **Greg:** She’d hopefully explain a lot of things about the Holmes

 **Molls:** Yes. That’s what I meant.

 **Johnny:** Oh, yes, now that you mention it, I’d love to meet her too.

You’ve never told me anything about her, Sherlock.

 **Sherlock:** Why would I?

 **Johnny:** I don’t know. Why wouldn’t you?

 **Sherlock:** You haven’t told me anything about yours.

 **Molls:** Surely you two don’t talk only about your cases and about buying the milk, right?

 **Johnny:** Of course not, but…

 **Sherlock:** But they’re the most interesting topics.

No, nevermind that. Not the milk.

But speaking of cases, we’ve solved one.

 **Molls:** Oh?? The lost painting?

 **Sherlock:** Very good guess, Molly. Yes. The lost painting.

 **Johnny:** Yeah! Apparently Sherlock will be on the news for it tomorrow.

 **Sherlock:** _We_ will be on the news for it tomorrow.

 **Molls:** Oh wow, it might as well become the case that makes your name!

 **Sherlock:** You tell John that. He doesn’t believe it.

 **Myke:** A little sad, isn’t it?

 **Sherlock:** I agree.

 **Molls:** Sad?

 **Myke:** The fact that after so many frankly brilliant feats in helping the criminal activity of London decrease, he may get more recognition for a painting. It is undoubtedly a good contribution to culture, though.

 **Sherlock:** Frankly brilliant feats?

 **Myke:** Don’t let it get to your head.

Ah, what am I saying. I am at least six years late to that.

 **Greg:** I can attest to that.

 **Myke:** I know.

 **Johnny:** Correct me if I’m wrong but what is this, the first time you call Sherlock something like “brilliant”?

 **Myke:** Compared to the constant praise you offer him, anyone would think mine is extraordinarily rare.

 **Johnny:** Still don’t know how you know about my “constant praise”.

 **Sherlock:** Mycroft has always been… exigent with me.

 **Myke:** Like any good older brother. Do you not agree with that in particular, doctor Watson?

Our parents have always been quite flexible with him, so somebody had to step up.

 **Johnny:** I _really_ want to meet your mother.

 **Myke:** At this point, I wouldn’t be so much surprised to see you at a family reunion one day, doctor Watson. 

 **Johnny:** Flashing back to when you told me “you can imagine the Christmas dinners”... Maybe I won’t have to imagine. As long as you don’t start a civil war before Christmas Day…

 **Sherlock:** John, stop this nonsensical chat and come downstairs. You have to reclaim your spot on the couch. Irene is eyeing it suspiciously.

 **Molls:** His spot on the couch?

 **Johnny:** We’re watching a film tonight. When Sherlock decides which one.

Have you, Sherlock?

 **Sherlock:** Nearly. Come and help me settle a dilemma.

 **Molls:** Enjoy your film night, the two of you… The three of you?

 **Greg:** Be careful Sherlock, I'm pretty sure there’s room on the couch for Irene too. Don’t let her invade it!

 **Johnny:** I’m sure he’ll take your advice to heart.

 **Greg:** I’m just so amused by your… Adler situation.

It was lovely seeing her briefly, earlier.

 **Molls:** Oh you saw her?

 **Greg:** Yeah, when I went to 221B to get evidence Sherlock had for a case, on my way to Scotland Yard (right before Sherlock decided to come with).

 **Molls:** Oh, cool. Nice.

Was she naked?

 **Greg:** Hahahaha, no

Mrs. Hudson sternly told me she now has a strict “no stripping” policy when she opened the door for me. It was funny ‘cause she said it as if she was worried I was planning on stripping there. Just going upstairs and taking my clothes off. “Hey, Sherlock! Hey, John!”

But yeah, it was... lovely. She's disconcerting. She was wearing Sherlock's gown and touching everything. Sherlock was telling her to quit touching everything, by naming every single thing she was touching, individually, without looking. She smiled more each time he did that. So did John. Also, she sort of flirted with me, but I think it was in the kind of way that was more making fun of me than actually flirting. 

 **Molls:** Oh.

 **Greg:** Yeah, exactly. 

Anyway. Film night at home sounds like a great date I wish I would be having.

 **Johnny:** We’re not having a date.

 **Greg:** You instantly jump at the word “date”, don’t you? Just get off the phone and go enjoy your date.

 **Johnny:** Greg!

 **Sherlock:** I would just like you all to know that he was typing “Lestrade” and deleted it.

 **Johnny:** Stop looking over my shoulder!

 **Molls:** Hahahaha

It does sound like a nice date, though, Greg. Maybe another day?

I mean, you know

You and I?

 **Greg:** I know what you meant, don’t worry... I’d be happy to have a date like that. You and I. Another day.

 **Myke:** How utterly romantic you are all being.

 **Greg:**  Mate, if this is romantic to you, we have so much romance left to annoy you with.

 **Molls:** Sounds promising.

 **Myke:** Sounds dull. Good night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading and commenting! I'll most likely update the next chapter on Saturday, I really am trying to keep some sort of schedule!


	12. A bit less in denial

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which we learn that you definitely shouldn't handle certain anaesthetics if you're not a doctor, Sherlock becomes the Reichenbach Hero, Irene has a couple of things to thank Sherlock for, and the famous detective is mocked by a green box.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry for the delay! I said I would probably upload this chapter on Saturday and... well... I didn't. I'm never going to try to estimate the date for my next update again.  
> I've been feeling weirdly insecure about this chapter while editing it lol, so I really hope you all like it!

**John** ’s phone.

_Tuesday morning_

 

 **Molly:** Good morning everybody!

 **Greg:** Good morning!

_..._

**Molly:** Dammit, I hate that Sherlock was so right about the pattern. I was subconsciously expecting John to say “good morning” before texting again.

 **Greg:** Do you reckon he fell asleep during his film night with Sherlock?

 **Molly:** Oh poor him, what if he hasn’t even heard his alarm? I hope he isn’t late to work today.

Do you reckon the film was boring enough for him to fall asleep?

 **Greg:** If Sherlock picked it? Yeah. He would happily watch 5 hours straight of a documentary about venomous plants.

 **Molly:** Now that you mention it, I wonder what Sherlock likes watching… like actually likes

 **Greg:** You don’t think he actually likes venomous plants?

 **Molly:** I mean fiction, that sort of thing… Say, you don’t think he’d be into Glee, do you?

 **Greg:** You want to get him to watch it as well?

 **Molly:** Oh come on, you’ll love it. At least _you_ will

 **John:** Well, rise and shine! Up early every day in this chat, I see.

 **Greg:** Let me guess, this is Irene Adler again.

 **John:** You’re getting better, D.I.

Not good, but better.

Ah, but when you compare anyone to Sherlock Holmes and the like…

 **Greg:** Well, finally _someone_ realizes that.

 **Molly:** Good morning, Adler.

 **John:** Good morning, charming Hooper.

Dr. Watson and Sherlock are both sound asleep, since you seem to be wondering…

So cute, I wonder if I should wake them up.

Know what Sherlock did to keep me from sitting on the sofa with them?

Do you want to know, at least? Give me some conversation, come on.

 **Molly:** I want to know.

 **John:** Good girl. He saw me approach their vicinity and he immediately lay on the sofa with his legs on Dr. Watson’s lap and all, so there would be no room for me.

 **Greg:** Really?

 **Molly:** So they _are_ going to be late for work?

 **Greg:** John, yes. Sherlock doesn’t have a work to be late to, and he barely cares about the concept of time anyway.

 **Molly:** Right.

 **John:** Here they are, in case you don’t believe me. _*sends picture*_

 **Greg:** John’s going to get so mad, I love it

 **Molly:** Awww, look at them!

But how can John sleep sitting up like that? It looks so uncomfy.

 **Greg:** As someone who’s slept on the job a couple of times... you only fall asleep like that when you’re really tired, or bored.

So the film was definitely a 5-hour documentary on venomous plants.

 **Molly:** You’ve slept on the job

 **Greg:** Only a couple of times.

 **Molly:** Hmm...

 **Greg:** It was many years ago!

 **Molly:** Don’t let Sherlock give you another reason to call you incompetent...

 **Greg:** I’m not proud of it, ok?

 **Molly:** Look at Sherlock though, with his hands folded on his chest

 **Greg:** He looks like a mummy.

 **Molly:** Or a vampire.

 **Greg:** Oh yeah, that sounds right. If vampires existed, he would be one.

 **Molly:** I mean, do we know he _doesn’t_ drink blood?

 **John:** Now that you two mention it, that would explain the body parts in the fridge.

 **Greg:** I have seen him squint and cover his face when he’s under the sun way too many times…

We can be sure he can barge in people’s houses without being invited, though.

 **Molly:** Oh, darn, there goes our theory.

 **Greg:** Either way, this is great profile pic material.

_Greg has changed the profile picture._

**Molly:** Perfect!!

 **John:** Look at you two, having fun.

I’m going to miss you.

 **Greg:** Don’t be offended, Adler, but that sentence sounds odd coming from you.

 **Mycroft.:** It most certainly does.

 **John:** Oh, look who’s finally here…

I was waiting for Mr. Holmes to show up before saying goodbye.

 **Mycroft.:** So leave already. Give doctor Watson his phone back before he gets cross. And make sure to remind my brother not to sleep in. Both of them must attend the Reichenbach Falls exhibition today.

 **John:** That’s not until the afternoon.

 **Greg:** You know their schedules now?

 **John:** Of course I know their schedules.

 **Mycroft.:** Of course she knows their schedules.

 **Greg:** You two literally sent these texts within the same millisecond. Chilling.

 **Mycroft.:** That again, Lestrade?

 **Molly:** Hahah, it’s his thing now.

 **Greg:** Yeah, exactly! It’s my thing.

 **John:** Well, I’ve really got to go now.

 **Mycroft.:** Busy social life, Adler?

 **John:** Believe me, if Sherlock and John kept me locked in a cage, it would still be busier than yours.

As I said, I’ll miss you.

Oh, but wait, Mr. Holmes.

 **Mycroft.:** Yes?

 **John:** Ask your brother about the information I showed him.

 **Mycroft.:** What?

 **John:** Well, you know. When we were having that lovely double date.

 **Mycroft.:** What should I have to ask? I know exactly what you “stole” from me.

 **John:** Sure… Why do you think he took my case?

 **Mycroft.:** Because despite his brain and his potential, he has his weaknesses. You could tell he was dying to dust off that little brain of his… it gets bored often. Or, in other words, he was dying to kneel before The Woman again.

 **John:** Then I hope he enjoys doing just that.

 **Mycroft.:** Answer me. What should I have to ask?

 **John:** He took my case because he’s clever.

More than you.

But not clever enough this time. Awh, it’s a shame, really.

 **Mycroft.:** Getting to the point any time soon, Adler?

 **Greg:** You say that as if you’re not also the kind of person to beat around the bush.

 **Mycroft.:** Well, right now, I have work I must pay my attention to within the next ten minutes if we don’t want England to collapse.

 **John:** What if I want England to collapse?

I have much more information than you think.

 **Mycroft.:** Is this where I laugh? No, you don’t.

 **John:** Haven’t you wondered why your brother is so affronted you gave away government secrets?

Or did you just think that was just him, being dramatic?

 **Mycroft.:** What are you trying to say?

 **John:** I’m just saying you’ve lost the game. And I’ll miss you. Bye bye!

 **Mycroft.:** Adler.

Adler.

_…_

**Molly:** What was that?

 **Mycroft.:** I am not entirely sure.

Which means that now I have to call my brother. Wonderful! And he acts so pissy when he’s just woken up.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 **Sherlock** ’s phone.

 

**“John”.**

_Status: Online._

**John:** SHERLOCK!

WHY ON EARTH DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME UP??!?

 **Sherlock:** Oh, don’t worry about work, I called in sick.

 **John:** You what?

 **Sherlock:** You really don’t need to bring your habit of repeating everything here, you know. You can just read my message again.

 **John:** You called in sick?

 **Sherlock:** Yes.

 **John:** On my behalf?

 **Sherlock:** Well, John, you see, you have such a bad fever you can barely see straight, not to mention talk, so your caretaker had to establish the call for you.

 **John:** And that would be you?

 **Sherlock:** That’s right. Don’t worry, I was very convincing.

 **John:** You’re lucky you’re such a good liar, or I’d be on my way to wherever you are, ready to kill you.

Speaking of that.

Where the hell are you two?

 **Sherlock:** Having coffee. Boring, I know. Wasn’t me who insisted on that.

 **John:** Having… coffee?

 **Sherlock:** Do I need to insist on what I just said about your habit?

 **John:** You’re seriously having coffee... together?

 **Sherlock:** I’m as surprised as you are, yes, but move on, really.

 **John:** Right now??? As if you’re not being targeted by at least two different criminal gangs?

 **Sherlock:** Well, danger is why life is occasionally exciting in between all the boring bits. Are you quite alright, John? Maybe you do have a fever. Try lying down.

 **John:** Of course I’m alright. Stop taking a piss of me.

Hope the pair of you are having lots of fun.

 **Sherlock:** Not at the moment, but that might change later.

 **John:** Oh yeah? What is it that you’re doing later, then? Maybe going somewhere private?

 **Sherlock:** Not really, we’re going to Scotland Yard. What is the matter with you?

 **John:** You’re going to Scotland Yard with Irene??

 **Sherlock:** What?

 **John:** What?

 **Sherlock:** Irene?

 **John:** Oh.

 **Sherlock:** You were talking about Irene?

 **John:** Forget everything I’ve just said.

 **Sherlock:** John.

Don’t go offline, why are you offline?

What are you doing?

There you are.

 **John:** Gonna go to work anyway, you know, tell them I’ve recovered from the fever because Mrs. Hudson’s chicken soup does wonders.

 **Sherlock:** John.

 **John:** Forget it, really.

 **Sherlock:** I was talking about Lestrade.

 **John:** Okay.

 **Sherlock:** Not Irene.

 **John:** Alright.

 **Sherlock:** Why did you think I was talking about her?

 **John:** Why did you suppose I knew you weren’t?!

 **Sherlock:** Well, when you asked “Where are you two?”, I simply assumed your deduction skills had somehow levelled up enough that you know that in these circumstances, if I wasn’t home, I was probably with Lestrade.

 **John:** You expect too much of me.

 **Sherlock:** Well, you’re not exactly an idiot.

 **John:** Are you really sure? Because I thought everyone except for you and Irene was an idiot.

 **Sherlock:** I never said _that_.

 **John:** You didn’t have to say it.

Look, I woke up and didn’t see or hear anybody so I assumed Irene and you were out together. For some nonsense detective reason. Or maybe because you decided to go on a date with her. Which is also sort of a nonsense detective reason.

 **Sherlock:** Emphasis on “nonsense”.

But no. She left on her own.

 **John:** What do you mean “she left”? Isn’t she in your room?

 **Sherlock:** No. Haven’t you seen she isn’t? You’re the one who’s there.

 **John:** Well… I don’t know. I haven’t been in your room. Unlike you, I don’t tend to go into my flatmate’s room to, I don’t know, steal his laptop and put dead body parts in his closet. Refresh my memory - why did you even do that?

 **Sherlock:** I told you, the fridge was full.

 **John:** How can she have left?

She can’t have just gone for a walk, can she? Seeing as she is being targeted by a dangerous criminal organisation and that is why we are taking care of her case?

 **Sherlock:** Yes, brilliant reasoning, John.

 **John:** Ah! You do value my contributions! I see that now.

She hasn’t left, Sherlock, don’t be ridiculous.

Maybe she’s just... having tea and biscuits with Mrs. Hudson downstairs, or something. Trying to get her to abolish the “no stripping” policy, ha.

 **Sherlock:** She wouldn’t achieve much.

 **John:** I’m looking for her now.

 **Sherlock:** She’s not there.

You know, if you apply the brilliant reasoning you demonstrated a while ago to this situation, I’m sure you’ll deduce the same thing I deduced when I woke up and there was no sight of her; it’s really not that hard.

_..._

John?

 **John:** This is weird, but I think I might actually be sick. I’m feeling nauseous. And dizzy.

 **Sherlock:** Listen to me this time, then, and lie down.

It might be a side effect.

 **John:** Of what?

 **Sherlock:** The drug.

 **John:** What drug?

 **Sherlock:** John, really? The drug The Woman used to ensure we were both sound asleep before leaving?

Affects different people differently, which is I woke up sooner than you did, too.

She’s clever, but not exactly a scientist. She didn’t pay a lot of attention to the precise doses, I suppose.

John?

John?

Have you fainted?

I hope you haven’t fainted.

Do people really do that?

 

**“Mrs. Hudson”.**

_Status: Online._

**Mrs. Hudson:** Today’s delicious dinner is already ready! _*sends picture*_

Oh, Sherlock, dear. Your flatmate, the one who’s not your lover, left me something for you before she left. It’s a folder, but I’m pretty sure it’s yours, I think I’ve seen it before in your flat.

 **Sherlock:** Interesting. Thank you.

 **Mrs. Hudson:** Where are you, BTW? (John told me that means “by the way”, BTW!)

 **Sherlock:** Still with Lestrade. Don’t worry about it. We have to look for someone.

 **Mrs. Hudson:** Shouldn’t you and John be getting ready for your exhibition thing??

 **Sherlock:** We’ll be there in time.

 **Mrs. Hudson:** It’s your first fancy event together, isn’t it??

 **Sherlock:** It’s not that fancy. Can you do me a favour and go upstairs to check on John?

 **Mrs. Hudson:** Oh, what’s wrong??

 **Sherlock:** He’s sick.

He may have fainted, don’t scream if you see him lying on the floor.

 **Mrs. Hudson:** Sherlock!!! Don’t worry me like this!!!

 **Sherlock:** On second thought, some yelling might wake him up. Feel free to scream to the top of your lungs, Mrs. Hudson.

 **Mrs. Hudson:** What if that doesn’t do it? Should I splash water on him?

 **Sherlock:** Yes, but be gentle.

 **Mrs. Hudson:** Understood!! Many kisses for you and Detective Inspector Lestrade!

 **Sherlock:** For him, too? Why?

 

**“Mycroft”.**

_Status: ?_

**Mycroft:** I’m sorry, Sherlock.

I didn’t know.

 **Sherlock:** What do you mean?

 **Mycroft:** The information Adler had.

Has.

She made me believe it wasn’t of importance. She knew I would underestimate her, and she was right. I was a careless fool. I gave it away.

You were right.

I’m sorry.

_…_

**Sherlock:** I’m not very sure what I should say to this.

 **Mycroft:** It is difficult to determine what the right thing to say is in these situations.

 **Sherlock:** Yes, I mean, you’ve never apologized before.

 **Mycroft:** Oh, come on, Sherlock.

Perhaps, try saying you forgive me. I think people say that.

 **Sherlock:** Nope, I don’t think I like that reply.

Stick to being the British Government, brother. And do a better job of it.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 **John** ’s phone.

 

**“BORED”.**

  
**Molly:** Evening, guys! This chat has been quiet since the morning.

Love the new profile pic. You two (Sherlock and John) look so... harmless while sleeping.

I just got home and now I’m relaxing. Anyone else?

No? I figure you’re all busy in your respective jobs!

I was going to say a little joke about how my job involves seeing dead bodies, but if you really think about it, that’s the case for all of us.

I see dead bodies more often, sure, but still.

Greg, you’re probably used to seeing them. In an “oh, that’s bad” kind of way, but you know, used to it.

Sherlock, to you it must be exciting. Like getting good news.

John, sorry. I didn’t stop to think that seeing dead bodies when you’re working as a doctor isn’t exactly a good sign. Sorry.

Mycroft. I nearly forgot about you. But it’s still possible that you’re involved in sketchy government business that includes dead bodies. I wouldn’t know, haha.

Pretend I didn’t say anything.

 **John:** Hi, Molly.

 **Molly:** Oh hi, John! How are you? Seen any dead bodies today?

 **John:** Not really.

I’m just back from the Reichenbach Falls exhibition, which we apparently _absolutely had to_ attend. Sherlock got a present for his great detective work. He didn’t like it. I’m home, Sherlock is God knows where. And I didn’t even go to work today.

_You changed the profile picture._

**Molly:** That photo of Sherlock with the hat! Nice.

How come you didn’t go to work?

 **John:** I was sick. Being injected with propofol, an anaesthetic you definitely should _not_ be using if you’re not a doctor, does have its side effects.

 **Molly:** What?? Sherlock drugged you?

 **John:** Oh, no, not Sherlock.

God. Now that you mention it, it does sound like something he could have done.

 **Sherlock:** No, it doesn’t.

 **John:** You don’t get to say anything about it.

 **Molly:** Who drugged you, then?

 **John:** Irene Adler.

 **Molly:** Oh??

 **Sherlock:** Why don’t I “get” to say anything?

 **John:** I still don’t know why you didn’t even try to wake me up. You KNEW Irene was gone! You KNEW I’d been drugged! All you did was call Lestrade and happily drink coffee and look for clues around London and didn’t tell me a thing!

 **Sherlock:** I didn’t want the coffee. It’s not my fault Lestrade needs to consume an unhealthy amount of it to be fully conscious in the mornings.

 **Greg:** Hey, it’s the way I deal with my unbalanced sleep schedule, alright?

 **Sherlock:** Also, John, I didn’t know propofol had all the dangerous potential side effects you angrily listed to me on the way to the exhibition while the cabbie stared at us panickedly through the rearview.

 **John:** Don’t describe it as if I’m the one who embarrasses you.

 **Sherlock:** Also, I was expecting Lestrade and I to find The Woman before you even woke up. She was supposed to be back in the flat by that time.

 **John:** That’s not a reason. I could’ve helped.

 **Sherlock:** You shouldn’t have had to. We should have found her.

 **Mycroft.:** He wanted to impress you, doctor Watson. In fact, perhaps it was you all along. I once thought it was Adler that he wanted to impress, but I could have been wrong.

 **Molly:** Can anybody explain what’s going on?

 **Greg:** I haven’t been given much of an explanation except “Irene Adler has left and we have to look for her”.

Sherlock thought he could deduce his way to her, but he didn’t get very far, so he asked me if I could use my resources… Kind of just told me to do it, actually.

 **John:** All that’s going on is that Irene’s been fooling us.

 **Molly:** You say “all” as if it’s this simple thing...

 **John:** Well.

You know those government secrets? It seems like the information Adler actually stole was huge - Mycroft didn’t know the full extent of it, but she showed Sherlock and I the whole thing.

Well, she showed Sherlock. I didn’t understand much of it, as she kindly pointed out.

And it seems like she didn’t just want that info for protection, she was planning on selling it to the exact criminal gang that we were supposedly “protecting her from” and investigating.

 **Molly** : Wait, what? But then why did she consult Sherlock?

 **John:** So she could snoop around our flat and steal information from us, too. Which is just brilliant.

 **Molly:** Oh, wow

 **Sherlock:** Yesterday night, after John and I had fallen asleep, she used the anaesthetic to ensure we would sleep for a little longer.

Right after you two had fun texting, she took her old phone from where I was keeping it, which was obvious to me when I woke up and I took a fleeting glimpse at the drawer it had been in.

 **Greg:** Ok, we know, you’re clever and deduce things by looking at them for a second. Continue.

 **Sherlock:** It was, of course, also obvious she’d taken some papers, in which I kept information pertinent to some very nasty European criminal organizations.

As John has said, she’s made an agreement in which she sells the Bulgarians some information, including as much as she knows about me, probably.

I’ve been following the same hints we’ve been following these days to solve her case. She didn’t want me digging too much, though.

Which is why she stopped me from doing it when I ended up at the abandoned warehouse by texting me with John’s phone, who she knew I would listen to.

That’s where I am now. The warehouse.

 **John:** Is Lestrade there?

 **Greg:** I’m not with him anymore. Partly, because he lashed out at me and told me he could manage this on his own.

 **John:** Really? Sherlock, don’t be like this. Not again.

 **Molly:** So it was all a fake case?

 **John:** Pretty much.

...

 **Molly:** Ok, so… How bad is the situation?

I mean, what is going to happen? Irene Adler has very important information now, right?

 **Sherlock:** This is not about Irene Adler being in possession of that information, it’s about who she has given it to. And in reference to your question, Molly, the situation ranges from potentially inconvenient to potentially catastrophic. Thanks for asking.

John.

 **John:** What?

 **Sherlock:** Text her.

 **John:** Text Adler??

 **Sherlock:** Yes.

 **John:** I don’t even have her phone number.

 **Sherlock:** Yes you do.

 **John:** I don’t.

 **Sherlock:** You do, she added it to your phone this morning, go look.

_..._

**John:** Okay, so I do have it. Saved as “Irene ;)”, for some reason. Why don’t _you_ text her?

 **Sherlock:** I can’t.

 **John:** Why not?

 **Sherlock:** Because I never text her back. Just do it.

 **John:** Yes, by the way, why is that?

 **Sherlock:** Why is what?

 **John:** Why don’t you ever text her back?

 **Sherlock:** Why should I?

 **Greg:** I swear you two have the weirdest of conversations. HOW does that matter?! One of you, text the damn woman already!

 **Sherlock:** John.

...

 **John:** Fine. What do I tell her.

 **Sherlock:** Ask her if the box was green.

 

**“Irene ;)”.**

_Status: -_

_Contact name changed to “Irene Adler”._

**John:** Hello. I guess.

Was the box green?

_Status: Online._

**Irene:** This isn’t Sherlock using John’s phone, I suppose?

 **John:** He doesn’t really want to talk to you.

 **Irene:** So you’re acting as his puppet.

Yes, the box is green. But tell him not to stress out about it. There’s no double bottom. He won’t find anything.

 

**“BORED”.**

**John:** She says you won’t find anything in the green box and there’s no double bottom.

 **Sherlock:** We’ll see. Tell her I know a male duck is called a drake.

 **Molly:** ???

 **Greg:** I wish I knew what the hell is going on.

 

 **“Irene Adler”.**  

_Status: Online._

**John:** He says he knows a male duck is called a drake. 

 **Irene:** Good boy, but he’s running out of time.

Doesn’t he think everything would be easier if he talked to me directly?

 **John** : He’s weird like that.

 **Irene:** Was he the one who made the group chat?

 **John** : The group chat?

Yes. He was bored.

 **Irene:** So he’ll create a group chat and won’t reply to my texts.

 **John:** Yeah, still don’t understand that.

 **Irene:** Still jealous?

 **John:** Why did you do this?

 **Irene:** Do what?

 **John:** You know what I’m talking about.

 **Irene:** Is this Sherlock acting as a puppeteer, or is it you asking?

 **John:** I’m sure he’s wondering too, but as you might know, he’s too proud to communicate in any way that isn’t... cryptic clever questions.

 **Irene:** Tell me, doctor Watson, do you think I can join the group chat?

 **John:** Oh yeah, sounds brilliant. I’ll add you right away. We’ll all plan holiday dinners and send each other memes.

 **Irene:** Come on, I mean one last time. Maybe then he’ll talk to me.

It’s just to say goodbye. I promise I won’t ask him out for dinner ;)

 

**“BORED”.**

_Irene Adler has joined the group chat._

**Molly:** Is that Adler?

 **Irene:** Why hello there. It’s impressive that you stick around here, Molly Hooper. Doesn’t the younger Holmes drive you mad?

 **Molly:** A little.

 **Irene:** In several ways, doesn’t he? He has a talent for that. You have to both love him and hate him.

 **Molly:** Tell me about it.

 **Irene:** Oh, and I nearly forgot the oldest Holmes brother is here too… What a party.

 **Greg:** Personally, both of them drive me mad, but I’m pretty sure it’s just in one way. The worst one.

 **Irene:** Oh, and I love that photo of Sherlock with the hat. Doesn’t he almost look cute?

 **Greg:** I like the “almost”. So close yet so far away.

 **Sherlock:** John.

Why is she here?

 **John:** Because I’m not your puppet, Sherlock, talk to her.

 **Irene:** Look at doctor Watson. I told him he was being used as a puppet and look at how fast he learns... I’m quite proud of him.

 **Sherlock:** Don’t put strange ideas in John’s head.

 **Irene:** Too late, he’s already got all sort of strange ideas in there. He once got jealous because you _don’t_ text me back.

 **John:** I didn’t.

 **Mycroft.:** Adler.

 **Irene:** Holmes.

 **Mycroft.:** You are being foolish. You want to be on Sherlock’s side, you know.

 **Irene:** He wants to be on mine.

 **Mycroft.:** At least him giving you protection meant something. My brother is many, many, bad things, but he is not a criminal like the ones you have decided to play with. You have made yourself unsafe again, you know that?

 **Irene:** I can take care of myself.

 **Mycroft.:** If you could, would you be selling information to criminal gangs in exchange of protection?

 **Irene:** The Bulgarians are just a jumping-off point, it’s not exactly a lifelong alliance.

 **Mycroft.:** Oh, yes. A very badly chosen jumping-off point... I don’t think you will stick the landing.

 **Irene:** Sit back and watch.

 **Sherlock:** Have you had fun reading through my investigation? Reading about atrocities that would make your allies worthy of the title of “evil”?

 **Irene:** If you called people “evil”, Sherlock. Which you don’t.

It would mean you’re calling yourself a good person, and you can’t do that. You don’t feel like you’re worthy of the title.

 **John:** I don’t care what you say, Adler.

 **Irene:** Sorry, was I talking to you?

 **John:** No, but I am talking to you. I don’t care what you say, and neither does Sherlock. He’s a good person.

 **Irene:** Oh, really?

 **John:** Yeah. It so happens that he can be both that and a massive arsehole. And he manages to reconcile those two things fantastically.

You can’t just be neutral. There are consequences in life, you know. You can’t jump from side to side and pretend like it doesn’t matter.

 **Irene:** Sherlock taught me a lesson the last time I saw him before all of this. He taught me love is a disadvantage. (You could keep that in mind too, dr. Watson, since you defend Sherlock so much)

And by the same logic, morals are a disadvantage, as well.

So Sherlock, stop playing the hero, and doctor, stop playing the sidekick.

 **John:** Thank you, but I’m not willing to take that kind of advice.

 **Irene:** What kind?

 **John:** Sociopathy 101 advice.

 **Sherlock:** I'm not a hero, and if I were, John wouldn't be a sidekick.

And John’s right. There are consequences.

You could run from all of this. Maybe go into an actual witness protection program, this time. I’m sure Mycroft would agree that it could be arranged.

 **Irene:** What did I just say? Playing the hero… You think your role is to save me?

 **Sherlock:** I have done it before.

 **Irene:** And once was enough for your ego, don’t you think?

I insist. I can take care of myself.

But if you really want to show me those consequences you speak of, then solve it.

Solve the case, Reichenbach Hero… I’ve seen the news, by the way.

Be all heroic, catch me just in time, and solve the case.

 **Sherlock:** If that’s what you choose, then don’t fret, I will.

 **Irene:** Is that a promise then?

 **Sherlock** : Yes. I do go through with mine.

 **Irene:** Ah, you’re referring to when you said I’m not very loyal to my word because I never got to made you beg… twice.

 **Greg:** Just when I was forgetting about the secondhand embarrassment I experienced when I heard that.

 **Sherlock:** Don’t beat yourself up about that one, I wasn’t really looking forward to it.

 **Irene:** I’m not really interested anymore, anyway.

 **Sherlock:** Ah, right. Yes. Not interested anymore. I could tell yesterday.

 **John:** Yesterday? What happened yesterday?

 **Irene:** Oh, doctor Watson. Allow me to do a little retelling.

It was while you were busy in your room upstairs, while Sherlock was struggling to both choose a film to watch and make sure I wouldn’t take your spot on the couch… He’s really bad at multitasking.

He looked stressed, so I decided he could use a massage.

 **Sherlock:** And I decided I didn’t.

 **Irene:** And I decided I was tired of asking him out for dinner.

So I massaged his back, whispered in his ear about my feelings for him, and then he softly held my hand one last time.

 **Sherlock:** You pressed your nails against my skin, whispered “I feel nothing for you anymore, Sherlock Holmes, but the curiosity a scientist feels towards his rats”, and then I took your pulse.

 **Irene:** Details.

Anyway, that’s when you could tell.

 **Sherlock:** Your pulse. Yes. That’s when I could tell.

 **Greg:** Tell what?

 **Sherlock:** That she’s not really interested anymore.

 **Irene:** It was nice while it lasted, Sherlock. As nice as flirting at a wall.

 **Sherlock:** You’re welcome.

 **Irene:** You say that ironically, but you’ve helped me a great deal.

 **Sherlock:** Oh, really? Sorry, it wasn’t my intention.

 **Irene:** Thanks to you I know a thousand things more about the fascinating mind people like you have. Please, do feel flattered.

 **Sherlock:** I was already feeling flattered before your clarification, but okay.

 **Irene:** Thanks to you I have learned a lesson about love and morality.

 **Sherlock:** I can say the same.

 **Irene:** Thanks to you I know I’m bisexual, I nearly forgot about that.

 **Sherlock:** Oh.

 **Irene:** Still more into women, though.

 **Sherlock:** If that’s what rocks your boat.

 **Irene:** If it doesn’t rock yours.

You know, if someone was a bit less in denial, I wouldn’t be the only one discovering my bisexuality thanks to you, Sherlock sharp cheekbones Holmes.

_..._

I was waiting for John Watson to realize that was about him, but what was I thinking.

 **John:** Excuse me, what?

 **Irene:** See what I mean?

And thanks to you I’ve had some fun, I mean, just look at this group chat.

And I mean thanks to all of you. You’ve been charming. I’m sure Molly Hooper, the most charming one of all, and Detective Inspector Lestrade won’t mind if I keep their phone numbers with me. Just in case.

 **Molly:** ... Thanks again.

 **Greg:** Feel free to call if you ever feel compelled to go to prison for the criminal activity you're involved in. Or if you just want to meet for tea. I’m sure you won’t mind if I track your phone?

 **Irene:** It won’t get you anywhere, but try it if you’re ever bored.

 **Mycroft.:** Really, Adler? That's all?

 **Irene:** Don't worry, Holmes. There's still a couple of storms coming. Hopefully they'll remind you of me. xx

 _Irene Adler has left this group chat._ _  
_

**Greg:** Well, that was something.

 **Mycroft.:** Sherlock, is this really your best?

You are just going to let her get away with this? Let her outsmart you?

 **Sherlock:** Is this _your_ best? Weren’t you using your contacts to help find her?

 **Mycroft.:** I am using my contacts to help. But you are who you are, Sherlock. When I thought Adler was dead, I said to John Watson that it would take Sherlock Holmes to fool me. And it did. I expected better of you.

 **Sherlock:** I expected better of you, too.

And I’ve decided I don’t forgive you.

_…_

**Greg:** Are we supposed to know what you two are talking about?

 **Sherlock:** No.

 **Mycroft.:** No.

 **Greg:** Good, then. Makes me feel less stupid.

 **John:** Hey, Sherlock. Mrs. H. just gave me a folder. Said she forgot to give it to you, and that Irene left it there for you.

_*sends picture*_

It’s empty except for a note that just says…

_*sends picture*_

**Molly:** “For my protection”?

 **Greg:** That’s a lot of lipstick kisses.

 **Sherlock:** She does love to keep information for her own protection. That folder used to contain information regarding the Bulgarians. Now she can bribe them with it if the occasion comes, or at least that must her idea. Mostly had information on some of its British collaborators, like The Duck, a.k.a. Drake Alcorn.

 **John:** Wait, The Duck is called Drake… Don't tell me that's what the stupid text about the way male ducks are called was about.

 **Sherlock:** … It wasn't stupid.

 **John:** The text about the green box wasn't stupid. The text about the duck was. It’s the truth. You were trying too hard.

 **Greg:** What was the text about the green box… about?

 **John:** A box Adler stole from The Duck. With information she took for… you've guessed it… her protection.

 **Sherlock:** She gave it back once she and the Bulgarians had a deal. Left the empty box for me.

I wasn't trying too hard.

 **John:** Most of the time you are.

 **Sherlock:** Yet despite my best attempts, I seem to accomplish nothing, isn't it funny?

 **Molly:** Sherlock, are you ok?

 **Sherlock:** What?

 **Molly:** Are you ok? I’d never heard you put yourself down like that

 **Sherlock:** Bah.

 **John:** Where are you, Sherlock?

 **Sherlock:** Still at the abandoned warehouse.

Looking at the green box.

She left it here for me. She considers myself to be lost enough to need an outrageously obvious hint to be left here for me.

It's too green.

It's been given a new coat of green paint approximately a week ago. That's just ridiculous. It's mocking me.

 **John:** I'll probably be leaving work in a while, want me to tell the cabbie to pick you up on the way home?

 **Sherlock:** I'll walk. Helps me think.

 **John:** Okay. Will you be fine?

 **Sherlock:** Of course yes.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 **Molly:** Hey, guys! How are you all?

 **John:** Hey. I had dinner a while ago, but Sherlock won't eat.

He's curled up on the sofa watching some rubbish tv programme, but he's not even criticizing it loudly like he usually does. Actually, I don’t even think he’s watching. I think he just wanted background noise for his thinking, or something.

 **Molly:** I knew he wasn’t ok

 **John:** You always seem to know that kind of thing.

I think he's not taking it well. Being... outsmarted. But he'll be fine. Tomorrow he’ll be jumping up and down excited about solving the case.

Which he will solve. He did promise.

 **Molly:** Right, yeah. He's our Sherlock, after all.

 **John:** He’s our Sherlock.

At least he's not playing that damn song on the violin.

 **Greg:** Oh, by that, do you mean the song he was playing yesterday before I walked in?

 **John:** Precisely. He wrote it. For Irene.

 **Molly:** I should go to bed now, good night guys!

 **Greg:** Good night, Molls! And John, and Sherlock if he sleeps at all.

 **John:** Good night, Molly.

His bed isn't occupied anymore, so he better go to sleep like a regular human being tonight.

 **Greg:** Let me make a prediction. You'll find him tomorrow in the exact same position on the couch, but he'll be sleeping. With his eyes open. Because he probably does that.

Well, talk to you all tomorrow.

 **John:** Good night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love to see this fic has made some people laugh a little or just have a nice time reading. Thank you for leaving kudos and commenting and all that!


	13. The thrill of murder

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sherlock is in a better mood, Greg helps him investigate the tattoo cult, nobody is liking Sherlock's newly acquired fame and everyone seems to have a dinner date tonight!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for taking a while to upload this chapter! I thought I was done with it but then I decided to add more stuff at the end lol. Hope you enjoy it!  
> Warning (I'm sorry I forgot to add it before!): this chapter contains a suicide mention, kind of towards the end, it's discussed very "lightly" though.

 

 **Sherlock** ’s phone.

_Wednesday!_

 

 

 **Molly:** Good morning, guys!  
****

**Lestrade:** Good morning!  
****

**J** **ohn:** Good morning.

Molly, I was kind of right about Sherlock jumping up and down excitedly.

He was awake before I was, strolling up and down the flat. Has spent all morning yelling out things like “Right! Of course!” or “She is clever, quite clever, yes” (I have a feeling he means Irene). Occasionally he literally does jump up and down.  
****

**Molly:** Oh! That’s good, right?  
****

**John:** I’d say so. Sometimes he gets suddenly... quiet and thoughtful, but it doesn’t seem too concerning.

 **Molly:** Good… Look after him, will you?

 **John:** You just sounded like Mrs. Hudson.

 **Molly:** First Sherlock and now you too?

 **Lestrade:** Was he sleeping with his eyes open this morning?

 **John:** Sorry to disappoint, I think he actually slept in his bed, but I don’t really know. Strangely, he got up earlier than me today.

 **Molly:** He slept in his bed and woke up early?... Are we sure he’s our Sherlock?

 **Lestrade:** Do look after him, John. He might be broken.

 **Molly:** I was serious when I told him to look after Sherlock

 **Lestrade:** So am I!

 **John:** Being honest, I don’t know how to “look after him”. Yesterday when he was in… that mood I could barely tell whether he was mildly irritated, actually heartbroken or just, I don’t know, thinking.

 **Molly:** Heartbroken by who? Adler?

 **Sherlock:** Whom*, Molly.

John, keep the chatter about me for the blog. And cut out the details. You share way too many details about my life with these people.

 **Lestrade:** “These people”?!  
****

**Molly:** “These people”??  
****

**Sherlock:** You two literally sent these texts within the same millisecond. Chilling.  
****

**Lestrade:** You’re copy-pasting what I said yesterday, really?  
****

**Sherlock:** I’m not. I’m quoting it. I have good memory.

 **Molly:** Sherlock, it’s supposed to be _Greg’s_ thing, let him have it!

 **Lestrade:** Thank you for bravely defending my honour, Molls.

Also Sherlock, you can’t make a group chat that pretty much revolves around you just to have us stroke your ego and then expect us not to talk about you

 **Sherlock:** I didn’t make this group chat to have you “stroke my ego”.

I made it because I was bored.

 **Lestrade:** And what’s the first thing you do when you’re bored?

 **John:** You mean after looking for his revolver?

 **Lestrade:** Yeah. Well. After not finding it.

He looks for someone who will stroke his ego. Why do you think he solves cases?

 **John:** Good point.

 **Sherlock:** Well, it’s not the only reason I solve cases. That would be ridiculous.

If I simply wanted attention and an ego boost, I could just take a walk around London. Let myself be looked at. By women. Mostly.

 **John:** Yeah you definitely have no need for an ego boost.

 **Molly:** Oh my god, Sherlock…

 **Lestrade:** I’m sure you wouldn’t have to walk out of your flat for that, though, Sherlock.

 **John:** Alright, could we change the topic?

 **Lestrade:** Sure thing

Speaking of solving cases, now that Adler and by extension the criminals she was working with aren't under Sherlock's “protection” anymore, Scotland Yard can finally hold a proper investigation on them instead of keeping it on the down low.

I'll try to keep you informed  
****

**Molly:** Oh, right, that's good!  
****

**John:** You were investigating this “on the down low” until now?  
****

**Lestrade:** That's right. We were mostly looking into the tattoo gang but we'll see what we can do about the... Bulgarians? if Sherlock gives us the information he's got.

Sherlock, I know you don’t have your little folder anymore, but your memory is... freaky… So I’m sure you can go to your mind place or whatever and find the info.

 **John:** His memory is “freaky”?

 **Lestrade:** Oh, I’m sorry. What would you say? Amazing? Fantastic? Brilliant? Bewildering? Worthy of admiration?

 **John:** Shut up.

 **Lestrade:** Yeah, you would say that, too.

 **Sherlock:** Mind _palace_ *.

The Woman is clever, Lestrade.

 **Lestrade:** So?

 **Sherlock:** So she did her best not to allow me to know more than she needed me to know. Calculated it all quite well.

 **Lestrade:** So you don’t have any information to go by?

 **Sherlock:** Don’t be ridiculous.

I have information that could fill another folder.

 **Lestrade:** Oh, good.

 **Molly:** Now there’s our Sherlock :)

 **Sherlock:** Since you’ve already Scotland Yard about our case for whatever stupid reason crossed your head at the wrong time, I suppose there is no other way. This is as good an opportunity as any other for me to use your resources. But, for the sake of my sanity, try to make sure you gather more competent people at NSY this time.  
****

**Lestrade:** I don’t think your sanity can be helped anymore, but if it makes you feel alright.

So no one you hate?

 **Sherlock:** After six years, you’re finally learning! Exactly.

 **Lestrade:** After six years, there’s very few people you don’t hate left around here, but I’ll do my best. Though I’d have to remove myself from the case if I was strict about that requirement.

 **Sherlock:** Nonsense. I don’t hate you.

 **Lestrade:** You don’t?

 **Sherlock:** Would I add someone I hate to a group chat?

 **John:** Your brother is in this group chat, Sherlock.

 **Sherlock:** … Touché.

 **Lestrade:** I love that adding me to a chat is the only example you can think of of a situation in which you made it obvious you don’t hate me.

 **Sherlock:** I could think of more, but that would be a ridiculous way of wasting my time when I should be revisiting all the information I have on the Bulgarians in my mind palace, wouldn’t it?

But I could think of more.

 **Lestrade:** You’re being sort of nice. John, did you bribe him to be sort of nice?

 **John:** I bribed him to be nice, not just “sort of”, but it looks like that’s too hard for him.

 **Sherlock:** John, don’t say that, he might believe it.

 **Lestrade:** Are you trying to tell me it doesn’t sound like something that could happen? hahaha

 **Mycroft:** Do not let this fool you, you three. Sherlock does not hate _me_ either. Not really.

 **Sherlock:** What made you think that?

 **John:** Sorry, Mycroft. Didn’t bribe him enough to be THAT nice.

 **Lestrade:** Hahahahahaha

 **Sherlock:** Just to keep things straight, John did NOT bribe me. This is the way he “jokes”.

 **Lestrade:** Give up on keeping things straight, Sherlock. Just give up.

 **Mycroft:** I am leaving. Good luck in the case, Sherlock and whoever gets involved. As for your mundane lives, wishing you good luck for those too would be excessive. I’m sure you’ll do just fine.

 **Molly:** Well, thanks for trusting us to do just fine.

_..._

**Lestrade:** Sherlock, I know you don’t like getting in police cars, so I’m not going to bother going all the way there…

I don’t have to tell you to come here, do I?

 **Sherlock:** Already putting on my coat.

 **Lestrade:** Really?

Like, while texting?

 **Sherlock:** I can multitask.

 **John:** He can’t. Just heard him drop his phone.

_..._

**Sherlock:** John!

 **John:** See how long he took to text back? Yep.

 **Molly:** John, you should really share these “scandalous details” of Sherlock’s life with your readers on the blog.

 **Sherlock:** John, you should really remember that since we’ve become friends I have carefully planned three equally undetectable ways of murdering you, so I would advise against doing that.

 **John:** Hmm, interesting. When do you consider us to “have become friends”? Since the time you told me I was your only friend, while we were in Baskerville?

 **Sherlock:** What have I just told you about sharing details of our lives with these people?

 **John:** I’m just saying, the relatively short time frame would make the detailed murder planning all the more impressive, so.

 **Sherlock:** Yes. Since then.

 **Lestrade:** I went all the way to Baskerville only to end up missing Sherlock calling you his “only friend”? What a bummer. Sounds like a beautiful moment.

 **Sherlock:** Lestrade, for you I have planned about seven murder scenarios, just for the fun of it.

 **Lestrade:** Does that mean we’re friends, then? :D

 **Sherlock:** Don’t use that emoticon.

 **Lestrade:** :D

 **Sherlock:** Stop it.

 **Lestrade:** :DD

 **Sherlock:** For God’s sake. How old are you again?

 **Lestrade:** :DDD

 **Sherlock:** John, where did you last put my revolver?

 

 

* * *

 

 

 **Sherlock:** Molly, prepare the body of Sienna Hayes for a little visit. John, where are you?

 **Molly:** Oh, I was just on my lunch break

 **Sherlock:** Come on, you know no one else will let me see it.

Lestrade, tell your girlfriend that her help is invaluable in the investigation.  
****

**Molly:** Oh well, when you say it like that...  
****

**Lestrade:** You've already told her, see, it wasn't that hard. And she's not my girlfriend yet  
****

**Sherlock:** Yet. Interesting.  
****

**Molly:** You two are going to kill me.

 **Sherlock:** John. 

Jooooohnnnn.

 **John:** It’s lunchtime, Sherlock.

 **Sherlock:** Your point?

 **John:** Well, I was planning on having lunch.

 **Sherlock:** Why do you keep using lunch as an excuse not to come? What does LUNCH mean next to the thrill of murder?

 **John:** You sound overly excited… Greg, don’t let him drink coffee.

 **Lestrade:** Wasn’t my choice this time. He suddenly drank from the cup I was holding and then threw it in the nearest rubbish bin.

 **Sherlock:**  Come on, John, pick up some food on the way to Barts. Surely with your expertise, seeing dead bodies doesn't make you lose your appetite, does it?  
****

**John:** God, I wish I could say it does, like a normal person would.  
****

**Sherlock:** Being a normal person is overrated, and I can't believe you're still trying to be one after so long living with me.

 _..._ _  
_ ****

**John:** What the hell, you're right.  
****

**Sherlock:** :)  
****

**John:** I’m on my way but not for too long, okay? I still have work to do.  
****

**Sherlock:** Whatever you say.  
****

_..._

**Mycroft:** Sienna Hayes, you say?  
****

**Sherlock:**  Yes. What about her?  
****

**Mycroft:** It is simply interesting. I wasn’t informed of her death. I have some files on her.  
****

**Sherlock:** You weren’t informed? You need to fire some of your spies, then.  
****

**Mycroft:** Oh, don’t say that word... “Spies”. It carries such bad connotations.  
****

**Sherlock:** Text me what you know about her.  
****

**Mycroft:** I'll just send you some files. Too busy to text.

 **Sherlock:**  Of course you are.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 **Molly:** Hey, boys! Guess what I’ve found!

 **Lestrade:** Sherlock’s diplomacy and tact?

 **Molly:** Nope, not that. Sorry.

 **Lestrade:** Shame. We’ll have to put up with him for a little longer.

 **Molly:** Bad day with Sherlock, I’m guessing?

 **Lestrade:** Bad day in general. I’ll tell you later.

 **Molly:** … Any more guesses on what I’ve found?

 **Sherlock:** Scotland Yard’s ability to properly do the jobs they’re supposedly more than qualified for?

 **Molly:** Wouldn’t you sort of... not have a job if it weren’t for the fact they don’t have it?

 **Sherlock:** You make admittedly good points sometimes, Molly.

 **Molly:** Oh! Thank you. Any more guesses? No?

 **John:** A day when there is _not_ a pissing contest taking place in this group chat?

 **Molly:** Too unrealistic… Lower your expectations.

No more guesses?

 **Mycroft:** Something literal, rather than figurative? Say yes, please. I am growing tired of these absurd guesses.

 **Molly:** Correct!!

_*sends picture*_

I’ve found John and Sherlock on the news. You know, because of the lost painting, the exhibition. Well, the formerly lost painting, haha. But yeah, look how nice! “The Hero of the Reichenbach”!

 **John:** Oh. Hadn’t seen that one.

 **Lestrade:** Great, now even the news are praising you. 

Why do you two look like you’d rather be anywhere but there in the photo?

 **John:** Because I was sick and Sherlock was worried about Adler being mysteriously gone.

 **Lestrade:** Oh, right.

 **Molly:** Not the best time, was it?

 **John:** And believe me, if Sherlock’s grim prediction was right and this is the case that makes his name, I’ll be the last person to get used to his “fame”.

 **Mycroft:** None of you were born to pose before the cameras, that is for sure and certain.

 **John:** Does the British Government pose before cameras that a lot, is what you mean?

 **Sherlock:** You’re all focusing on the most irrelevant of details.

Look at the second subheader.

(And ignore the first one, they call me an “amateur”).

 **Lestrade:** “Scotland Yard embarrassed by overlooked clues”???

No we’re not!!

 **Sherlock:** You should be, though. You do see how the fact that you’re not makes it worse.

 **Mycroft:** The article is certainly right in that you have gained a cult following.

It’s very surprising.

And it is certainly reminiscent of a cult.

 **John:** You know what’s scary? The huge increase of visits in my blog. And even Sherlock’s website, despite how useless it is. He better not become a celebrity.

 **Sherlock:** My website is only useless to those whose brains are already too full with things like… what the weather will be like tomorrow, and what terrible joke that you found on the Internet you should tell your mates over drinks.

 **Lestrade:** Are you trying to tell me that the jokes I told you all on weekiversary Sunday were bad??

 **Sherlock:** Hmmmmmm... Yes.

 **John:** He’s got sort of a point.

 **Lestrade:** John! I thought you were on my side!

 **John:** Sorry.

 **Molly:** Sorry Greg but, yeah.

 **Lestrade:** You too???

 **Molly:** Can I be honest with you?

 **Lestrade:** Please do go ahead.

 **Molly:** Stop looking up jokes on Facebook. You’re naturally witty. You can be funny without help.

 **Lestrade:** It wasn’t even on Facebook.

But thank you.

_…_

_…_

**Molly:** So, about that bad day?

 **Lestrade:** Oh yeah, well.

Sherlock made it worse by being rude to everyone, of course, but besides that… fuck, we almost had the bloody psychos.

 **John:** Careful, Greg. Wasn’t Mrs. Hudson telling you to “watch your language” once enough for you?

 **Lestrade:** “Watch your language, young man”. Don’t forget that. The first time I’ve been called “young man” in years. Bless Mrs. Hudson… But frankly, fuck that.

 **Molly:** Who did you almost have, the tattoo gang?

 **Lestrade:** Yeah. Well, only three of them. Two of them got away and the third one, you wouldn’t believe it. We were about to arrest him.

 **Molly:** What happened?

 **Sherlock:** He killed himself. In the police car. With a concealed blade that I was just pointing out to Lestrade.

 **Lestrade:** Sherlock was barely done talking about how there was a blade somewhere along the creases of his shirt collar, or whatever, when the bloke stick the blade in his neck and… yeah.

 **John:** Carotid artery. Quick and accurate.

 **Molly:** Oh, wow.

Lots of blood in the car seats then, right?

 **Lestrade:** And here I thought Sherlock was the only weirdo pointing that out. Yes, lots of blood.

Not that you’re a weirdo, Molls.

 **Molly:** It’s ok, maybe I am a little bit of a weirdo,  aren’t we all weirdos here.

 **Mycroft:** How could you let that happen? Isn’t the police meant to thoroughly check the person’s body before an arrest?

 **Lestrade:** Gladly here comes the expert! We checked, thank you, but we’re talking about a blade that Sherlock didn’t notice at first glance.

 **John:** Go figure.

 **Mycroft:** Quite an unsuccessful day, though, isn’t that right?

 **Sherlock:** We found out more than you'd think. In fact, it was interesting enough that John didn't go back to work.

 **Mycroft:** Did you make any use of the information I sent you?

 **Sherlock:** Yes.

 **Mycroft:** No “thank you”?

 **Sherlock:** What did you expect?

 **Molly:** So... Mrs. Hudson told you to watch your language, Greg?  
****

**John:** She did. When Lestrade took Sherlock and us home in the police car (not the one with the bloody seats. Another one).  
****

**Lestrade:** I was calm all the way there up until I dropped you guys off… Don’t know what happened.  
****

**John:** Yeah, you went crazy.  
****

**Sherlock:** Picture it if you will, Molly: police car parked right in front of 221B. Mrs. Hudson gets out to scold us for “being so late”, and sees an angry Lestrade who's kicking his own car tyres and who happens to yell out “FUCK” at the top of his lungs at that exact moment. She responds with the aforementioned quote: “Watch your language, young man!”, and Lestrade's face immediately escalates down from rage to a mix of confusion and fear.  
****

**Molly:** Haha, I love Mrs. Hudson.  
****

**Lestrade:** I was going to say  there wasn’t fear in my face but honestly… who isn’t a little bit afraid of Mrs. Hudson?

Apart from Sherlock.  
****

**Sherlock:** Oh, no, I fear her sometimes too.  
****

**Lestrade:**  Good, strangely reassuring.

So what do you suggest we do next in regard to the tattoo gang?  
****

**Sherlock:** Well, we have three deceased gang members: Daniel Reer, Sienna Hayes and blade bloke.  
****

**John:** You know he has a name, right? We know his name.  
****

**Sherlock:** I know. I just like the sound of “blade bloke”.

What we know is the following:

All three went rogue some time before dying. Daniel Reer started stalking a girl (the man who was posing as whose father showed up at our flat). Sienna Hayes refused to obey orders to kill a woman. Blade bloke had many disagreements with his tattoo cult partners, as we (John, Lestrade) could see before they realized we were watching them (Lestrade’s fault) and started running away.

Equally interesting, of course, is that while anagram man had almost completely got his tattoo forehead removed, Hayes had made arrangements to start the same process and both of their deaths were obviously suicides.  
****

**Lestrade:** Firstly, it wasn’t my fault, secondly, what do you mean “obviously suicides”, and lastly, since when do we know ALL that?  
****

**Sherlock:** Right. Correction: I do.  
****

**John:** So… blade bloke and anagram man, what’s Sienna Hayes’s nickname gonna be?  
****

**Molly:** Why would he give them nicknames?  
****

**John:** Well, obviously, Molly, they’re affectionate nicknames. Clearly he’s formed an emotional attachment with them.  
****

**Molly:** From what? Seeing them dead?  
****

**John:** He’s Sherlock. He talks to a skull when I’m not home.

And sometimes he can’t tell Billy and I apart.

But seriously Sherlock, what do you mean they’re obviously suicides?  
****

**Sherlock:** Have you and Lestrade even paid attention? What were you doing when we were investigating this?

Let’s see. Sienna Hayes died on a car accident from her workplace to her house, a path she obviously was more than familiar with, by crashing into a parked car, no drugs or alcohol in her body. And she didn’t have her seatbelt on.  
****

**Lestrade:** And we established that 1) a lot of people forget to put on their seatbelt, 2) yes that was weird, but we also established the several reasons why that could have happened, so...  
****

**Sherlock:** Right, it’s so low-effort to assume a coincidence is the cause for everything. The universe is rarely so lazy.

 **Mycroft:** Wise quote.

 **Sherlock:** Forgive me, a coincidence and a couple of reasons, yes. I remember the two most popular ones: she saw “a squirrel or something” cross the road and she suffered from a sudden, medically unexplainable loss of vision. Clever thinking, NSY.

Now that we mention that one brilliant theory. John, you remember what Hayes’s day job was, right?  
****

**John:** Worked at a bank, right?  
****

**Sherlock:** I have a nickname for her.  
****

**John:** Oh yeah?  
****

**Sherlock:** The Blind Banker.  
****

**John:** Come on.  
****

**Mycroft:** Dear God.  
****

**Lestrade:** Oh, I get it. like the title of your blog post, John. Your second case. Ha, ha.  
****

**John:** Awful, Sherlock.  
****

**Sherlock:** Oh come on, it's a bit funny.

Not going to admit it, are you?

Moving on then.

Daniel Reer’s day job: high-rise window washer. Twenty years doing his profession and he falls to his death (from a quite ridiculous height considering what he’s used to) not because a cable got loose or his platform broke down or it was windy (checked the weather at the time of his death. Not windy at all), but because he simply… fell.  
If you can call a death ridiculous, both of these deaths were exactly that.  
****

**John:** Just so you know, Sherlock, the only reason that comment is acceptable is that we’re talking about criminals, but normally you wouldn’t mock a person’s death.  
****

**Mycroft:** And you said it wasn’t your job to scold him.  
****

**John:** Shut up.

Okay, so let’s say they died… on purpose. Why?  
****

**Sherlock:** Oh, come on, can’t you just think? I tried to make this easy for you two!

 _..._  
****

**John:** You’re saying they went rogue, then decided to get their tattoos removed, then died.  
****

**Sherlock:** Yes, although Hayes’ death was definitely more improvised.  
****

**John:** I’m not going to bother asking how you know that.

Okay, so they did something wrong… according to criminal standards, and feared what the rest of the creepy tattoo cult would do to them as punishment… so they just decided to try to erase all evidence that they even belonged to the cult, and then committed suicide because they had no other way out, they were running away? And… Sienna was forced to kill herself sooner than she expected?

 **Sherlock:** Good, John. One point for the oftentimes bright doctor/blogger, zero points for the Detective Inspector.  
****

**Lestrade:** Hey, I was typing!  
****

**Sherlock:** Anyway, three very interesting individuals. We have barely looked into their backgrounds. Time to investigate further, don’t you think? That's what we're doing next.  
In the meantime, Lestrade, I hope your team makes decent advances in the other case. The Bulgarians. By which I mean they’ll probably be running around like headless chickens next time I see them.  
****

**Lestrade:** I see you’re working on being optimistic.  
****

**Sherlock:** It’s just called making a safe bet.  
****

**Molly:** I thought Daniel Reer was following orders.  
****

**Sherlock:** Sorry?  
****

**Molly:** Daniel Reer, you said he went rogue and started stalking that girl. I thought he stalked her because he was following orders from the tat gang.  
****

**Sherlock:** Oh, thank you, someone’s asking good questions, look at this, you two.

Yes, John and I assumed the same thing when we started looking into the case.

But the little villainous speech the tattoo people gave us (while pointing guns at us, like John likes to remark) revealed otherwise. Daniel Reer stalked that woman for no apparent reason. And he did so recklessly exposing the identity of the tattoo cult in the process.

The victim of all the stalking told us he left messages that implied the entire gang was after her so she’d better watch out, and sometimes Reer would just paint the same symbol that was tattooed on his forehead on her windows, with what looked like blood (it was punch, corn syrup and red food colouring).

Anyway, he exposed the tattoo cult, and they hadn’t even given him orders to stalk the girl, so that’s why they wanted to punish him - sounded quite angry when they revealed to us that as they had just found out, Daniel Reer was already dead. Which, now that it is almost certain that both him and Sienna Hayes were running away from the consequences of their actions, makes me fantasize about what kind of horrible, frightening punishment they would have been subjected to if they hadn’t taken their own lives.  
****

**John:** Sorry, did you just say “fantasize”?  
****

**Sherlock:** Wonder. It makes me wonder what kind of punishment they would have gotten.  
****

**Lestrade:** And doesn’t it make you wonder why Reer could have wanted to stalk that girl? He used to leave her creepy messages, right? Threats.  
****

**Sherlock:** Yes, threats that no one could decipher, but then again, most people are stupid and I didn’t have time to take a look.  
****

**Lestrade:** Okay. But why did you think he threatened her?  
****

**Sherlock:** I have my own theory, but I prefer not to say it aloud or even think about it; I’m working on deleting it, but it keeps popping up in my brain.  
****

**Lestrade:** What?  
****

**Sherlock:** It’s a mistake to theorize when you don’t have enough information. When we get hung up on baseless theories, we tend to adjust the reality to our hypotheses, rather than adjusting our hypotheses to the reality.  
****

**Molly:** Ok… So just to see if I follow. In the tattoo gang, if you go a little off-script and decide to do your own villainous thing, like harassing a random girl, you’re given a terrible enough punishment that you’d rather kill yourself?  
****

**Sherlock:** Looks like it.  
****

**John:** They’re creepy folks. Loyalty or death, it seems.  
****

**Sherlock:** That’s why I call them the tattoo cult.  
****

**Molly:** I see. Scary!  
****

**Lestrade:** Cool, alright. So tomorrow we’ll find out more.

What a long day. Can’t wait to have dinner and relax.  
****

**John:** You should’ve taken Mrs. Hudson’s offer to stay for dinner.  
****

**Sherlock:** John! It’s not always Lestrade makes good choices, don’t ruin it.  
****

**John:** Sherlock…  
****

**Sherlock:** Yeah, I know. Being rude. Ooookay.  
****

**Molly:** Mrs. Hudson invited Greg to stay for dinner? She’s so lovely!  
****

**Lestrade:** As lovely as she is frightening. I would’ve said yes if it weren’t for our date.  
****

**Sherlock:** I didn’t think you meant it when you said you had somewhere else to be. Yet another date with Molly?  
****

**Lestrade:** Happens sometimes when you really enjoy someone’s company. Gladly I did have somewhere else to be, because I definitely don’t enjoy yours.

See you tomorrow. Have to get ready.  
****

**Molly:** That’s two of us! Talk later, guys.

He doesn’t really mean it, you know, Sherlock. He enjoys your company sometimes.  
****

**Sherlock:** I don’t really care.  
****

**Molly** : Sure, you don’t.  
****

**John:** Enjoy yourselves.  
****

**Molly:** Thanks John!

Tell Mrs. Hudson we would both love to take up on her offer some other time, as long as it includes me haha. She really is so nice, it'd be lovely seeing her again.  
****

**John:** Sure, I'll tell her.

 

 

 **“John”.** **_  
_ **

_Status: Online._  
****

**John:** Been an exciting day, hasn’t it?  
****

**Sherlock:** You remember you used to complain about ME texting YOU while both of us were in the flat, right?  
****

**John:**  Ah, it’s rubbed off on me. Dammit.

Looks like you always get what you want, Sherlock.  
****

**Sherlock:** If that were true, more than five hundred people would drop dead right now.  
****

**John:** Right. Anyway. I meant that you ended up making me skip work.  
****

**Sherlock:** Oh, that. Predictable success. You haven’t stopped loving the thrill of solving cases since your first day in Baker Street, you know. You’re easy to convince when it comes to that.  
****

**John:** Never as much as you.  
****

**Sherlock:** Of course not. Fortunately for you. At least one of us has to be a little sane at certain times.  
****

**John:** Right, sanity. Sometimes I question mine.

You know, I’d like to reiterate what I said earlier about how I wish I was a normal person.

And I bet you’d like to reiterate what you said in response.  
****

**Sherlock:** And I’d like to reiterate what I said in response.

… We literally sent these texts within the same millisecond. Chilling.  
****

**John:** You’re predictable too.  
****

**Sherlock** : Well, that’s fine.  
****

**John:** Is it? How come?  
****

**Sherlock:** It's okay when it's you who can predict my moves.  
****

**John:** Aren’t you supposed to be cool, mysterious Sherlock Holmes?  
****

**Sherlock:** Am I?  
****

**John:** That’s what I see.

I mean, that’s what I see you trying to do.

To be.  
****

**Sherlock:** Well, I would say that normally, when they’re not telling me to piss off, people are more impressed by my intellectual abilities than by my… air of mystery.

Or by my cheekbones, or the way I turn my coat collar up.  
****

**John:** Oh shut up about that.  
****

**Sherlock:** You’re the one who said I do that.  
****

**John:** You do it!  
****

**Sherlock:** And you notice.

 _..._  
****

**John:** Okay, whatever. Come out of the room, I’ve ordered food. It’s from a new place, so they don’t know this address. Won’t refuse to deliver here.  
****

**Sherlock:** Ugh. Too much work.  
****

**John:** What, leaving the room?  
****

**Sherlock** : Yes.  
****

**John:**  Oh come on, stop sulking. 

 **Sherlock:** I'm not sulking. 

 **John:** You sure? 

Not upset about The Woman anymore?

 **Sherlock:** No.

 **John:** But you were. 

Upset. 

Before. 

 **Sherlock:** What are you trying to say? 

I was disappointed by what she did. 

 **John:** And?

 **Sherlock:** And, what? 

 **John:** And what else? 

 **Sherlock:** Well, you were right.

 **John:** Really?

 **Sherlock:** I don't take it well. Being outsmarted. She was cleverer than me. It was my fault that I underestimated her. Is that what you wanted me to say? 

 **John:** I don't know what I wanted you to say. 

_..._

Okay, I'll stop talking about her.

 **Sherlock:** Okay. 

 **John:** Dinner,then? 

 **Sherlock:** No, still too much work.

 **John:** Seriously?!

 **Sherlock:** Yes.

 **John** : Don’t be like that, just come out.  
****

**Sherlock** : Make me.  
****

**John** : Excuse me?

Alright, whatever you want.  
****

**Sherlock:** Your steps sound different when you’re pissed. It’s quite funny.

You know, “pissed”. That’s a stair down from “actually angry”, but a stair up from “annoyed, but in the amused way”.

...  
****

**John:** Question one, where the hell are you?  
****

**Sherlock:** Good question. Your room, not mine.  
****

**John** : Question two, why is that green box in your room? There was nothing in it, was there?

Alright alright, new question: WHY are you in my room?  
****

**Sherlock:** Don’t worry, not snooping around. I’ve already been through the entirety of the content in your laptop and it’s all boring. I’m taking something that’s mine.  
****

**John:** Is it body parts again? Please, not on my work clothes.  
****

**Sherlock:** Which are your work clothes? Everything in your wardrobe is equally boring.  
****

**John:** Said fashion icon Sherlock Holmes.  
****

**Sherlock:** Well, if the title was down to one of us…  
****

**John:** Oh, what? You have a problem with my jumpers too?  
****

**Sherlock:** I like your jumpers.

It IS body parts again, though. The fridge has more available space now, and these fingers need some of that cool air, so I’m taking them to the kitchen again.

 **John:** Goddammit, Sherlock. 

 **Sherlock:** By which I mean I’m taking them to the kitchen once you stop walking around in a pissed way.

 **John:** I’m gonna make you come down here alright. You just wait.

 **Sherlock:** :)  
****

**John:** Don't respond to my threat with a smiley emoticon!  
****

**Sherlock:** Oh, that was a threat?  
****

**John:** You bet it was.

 **Sherlock:** I’ll bet. :)))

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you all like the fact that the "literally sent these texts within the same millisecond" thing has become this group chat's official meme.  
> Thank you for all your comments and kudos and support! I'm so excited for everyone to read what's to come!!


	14. Flirt with people and waste time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's lots of case-solving, John's nickname from the past haunts him, and a less weird (or weirder??) double date might be on the horizon. Also, Sherlock isn't the only one here planning murders. (But all the murder planning is in good fun).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wish I could update faster, but I'm busy with school :/  
> Also, I'm about to hit 100 kudos (I'm at 99 kudos as I type this). I'm not sure whether that's a lot, objectively speaking, but it's a lot to me lol. Thank you for all your love!

_Thursday!_

 

 **Molly:** Good morning everyone!!!

 **John:** Morning, Molly! You know, last night Mrs. Hudson said she'd be happy to have you over for dinner, and Greg too, whenever you want.

 **Sherlock:** JOHN.

 **John:** What??

 **Sherlock:** Look at what you've done! You've broken the pattern! All to tell Molly that she can come have dinner here?! It wasn't even for good reason.

 **John:** The pattern?

 **Sherlock:** I know you're half asleep because you require at least five minutes to be fully aware of your surroundings in the mornings and it's only been three since you woke up, but for goodness’ sake, John, the pattern!

 **Mycroft:** Don't get so nervous over this, Sherlock. Have you had too much coffee?

 **Sherlock:** I have, but it has nothing to do with this.

 **John:** The “good morning” pattern? Well I don't know, Lestrade wasn't replying, so.

 **Sherlock:** By the way. Yes. Lestrade. Where is he?

 **Molly:** First of all ok, someone stop Sherlock’s coffee addiction, it’s starting to worry me. Secondly that's wonderful John, tell her that's really nice of her and we'll drop by whenever you boys stop being so busy with your cases. And don't be concerned about Greg, Sherlock, he woke up a bit late and he's having a shower now

 **John:** Oooooh, wait, what?

 **Sherlock:** Ah, Molly, so that's why you said good morning with three exclamation marks at the end today.

 **Molly:** Sorry?

 **Sherlock:** Well, because you spent a fun night with Lestrade.

 **Molly:** OK, now don’t the two of you start imagining weird things, haha

 **Mycroft:** I honestly did not need to know so much about the personal lives of anyone other than Sherlock. This is _not_ what I was supposed to get out of this group.

 **Molly:** Now don't the THREE of you start imagining weird things.

 **Sherlock:** Molly, I’m a consulting detective, you know that. You don’t try to hide the obvious when you’re dealing with me.

 **Molly:** Oh come on, Sherlock

 **John:** Yeah Molly, this reminds me, an old mate of his once told me that in uni he would always annoy everyone by deducing who had had sex with who the previous night.

So now that it’s obvious, what do you expect him to do?

 **Sherlock:** He wasn’t a mate.

 **Mycroft:** Thank God you clarified, I was about to inquire about your university dealings. You did many insane things, but make friends was not one of them.

 **John:** Are Greg and you _serious_ serious then, Molly?

 **Molly:** What is “serious serious”?

 **John:** _Serious_ serious. The first “serious” is italicized.

 **Sherlock:** I’d say they're about as serious as you've been able to get with your last five girlfriends, John, so no need to plan double dates.

 **John:** Piss off.

Oh Molly, tell Greg I don't have to work today and we can basically spend the day with Sherlock investigating Anagram Man, the Blind Banker and Blade Bloke.

Those sound so awful a shudder just went down my spine. Remind me to just call them by names next time.

 **Molly:** I'll tell him when he gets out of the shower

Who do you expect John to plan double dates with, Sherlock?

 **Sherlock:** What?

 **Molly:** Double dates. John. He isn’t dating any new girl, is he? So who would the double date be with?

 **John:** No one. Don’t even mention double dates to me.

 **Molly:** Bit traumatised?

 **Sherlock:** Bit traumatised.

 **John:** It’s rude to speak on my behalf.

_…_

**Lestrade:** You all go wild when I’m not here, right?

 **Sherlock:** Yes, Lestrade; there is no doubt you are the backbone of this group chat.

 **Lestrade:** Molls, I’m pretty sure Sherlock meant a double date with the two of them. John and Sherlock. It would be great. Maybe at 221B? Since Mrs. Hudson said she’d be willing to have us for dinner

 **John:** We’re not a couple.

 **Lestrade:** Sherlock spoke as if you are. He’ll be very sad to find out.

 **Molly:** Ohhhh, that would be great though. Can we make plans?

 **Lestrade:** Oh, let’s do it

 **Molly:** Mrs. Hudson will be ecstatic when we tell her it’s a double date

 **Sherlock:** Don’t tell her that. It’s just setting her up for an eventual heartbreak, which is what happened last time she thought John and I had broken up.

 **Molly:** You have a point.

 **John:** Okay, stop this. So, back from Molly’s shower then, Greg?

 **Lestrade:** Yeah. I like your wording. Should I start calling your flat’s shower “Sherlock’s shower”? Would you like that?

 **Sherlock:** Technically speaking, it’s Mrs. Hudson’s shower.

 **Lestrade:** Okay I _refuse_ to call it that.

 **Mycroft:** Please, everyone: this conversation is going weird places. End it.

_…_

**Lestrade:** Is a cat a good way to end the conversation?

_*sends picture*_

**John:** Whose cat is that?

 **Lestrade:** Molly's! His name is Toby and he bit my hand.

 **Molly:** Isn't he a sweetie?

 **Sherlock:** You were probably overstepping his boundaries, Lestrade.

Cute cat.

 **Lestrade:** Sherlock… Did you just say “cute”?

 **Molly:** He did!! Toby says thanks, Sherlock!

 **Lestrade:** I hope everyone's screencapping, like the time he said good morning. I mean… Has he ever said the word “cute” before?

 **John:** Not that I remember. Maybe sarcastically.

 **Mycroft:** Not since he was seven years old. Maybe six.

 **Sherlock:** It's not an ugly cat. What did you expect me to say?

 **Molly:** Something more like... “Oh, that is certainly an elegant cat”.

 **Lestrade:** “Oh, felines! Such majestic creatures”.

 **John:** “Behold: a predator whose accurate talent for killing—worthy of admiration—you can see in his eyes…”

 **Lestrade:** “He is now relaxing, but you can see in his gaze that he’s ready to jump at his next victim”.

 **Molly:** “Anyone who oversteps his boundaries, he will bite the hand of with no remorse”.

 **John:** “How fascinating!”

 **Sherlock:** Okay. I think I get the general feeling.

_…_

_…_

_…_

**John:** Greg, you've read my message, right?

 **Lestrade:** Yeah, I'll be at 221B to pick you two up in ten minutes.

Maybe twenty if a certain woman keeps being sweet enough to distract me.

Haha. She just read that, smiled and said “oh shut up”.

 **Sherlock:** Thanks for the unnecessary information. Don’t pick us up, I think John and I would rather take a cab. I agreed to come in a police car yesterday, didn't enjoy the experience much.

 **John:** Funny how you include me in your statement automatically. Didn’t I just say it’s rude to speak on my behalf?

 **Lestrade:** Don't be scared, Sherlock, I don't think there'll be any more suicides in police cars any time soon.

 **Sherlock:** Not as long as you don't talk too much during the ride.

 **Lestrade:** Do I pick you up or not?

 **John:** Please do, Sherlock always makes me pay for the taxi rides.

 **Lestrade:** Alright.

 **John:** So you enjoyed your dinner date, then?

 **Lestrade:** Yeah, thank you.

 **John:** Cool.

 **Lestrade:** I got to take a break from murder, the company was obviously great, the food was top-notch. I do like to eat out every once in a while.

 **John:** I’m happy for you two.

 **Molly:** Aw… Thank you, John!

 **Lestrade:** “Happy for you” Yeah, appropriately cocky considering you've been getting all the dates, John “three continents” Watson.

 **Molly:** Oh my god, Greg

 **Mycroft:** D.I., you sound like a high schooler with confidence issues.

 **John:** Wait a second. Who told you about that nickname?

 **Lestrade:** Nickname? What nickname? I don't seem to recall any nickname…

 **John:** Lestrade, I swear to god... Only Mike and the rest of the gang from university know about it, have you been talking to them behind my back or what?

And Harry, she knows about it too.

 **Lestrade:** Who? Me? Who's Harry? You have a sister?

 **John:** I'm going to kill her.

 **Lestrade:** Hahahaha

 **John:** And I'm going to kill Sherlock too.

 **Sherlock:** What did I do NOW?

 **John:** I'm not stupid. How else would Lestrade have gotten in contact with my sister?

 **Mycroft:** Yes. Brother, please. 

 **Sherlock:** Fine, yes, it was me.

But kill me after I've solved all my pending cases, will you.

 **Molly:** So… your experience of women extends over three continents, huh John?

 **John:** You too?? Please no.

 **Mycroft:** Did he not say “ladies” or something akin to that, instead of “women”?

 **John:** Mycroft. PLEASE, NO.

 **Lestrade:** So then, everyone here already knew about John’s nickname?

 **Sherlock:** Come on, even Mrs. Hudson knows.

 **John:** SHERLOCK!

 **Sherlock:** John, if you murder me now, you’ll be the main suspect.

 **John:** Maybe. But then I would stop being a suspect, and, as you say…

Hold on.

Once you’ve ruled out the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be true.

They could accuse anyone else.

 **Sherlock:** Despite the fact that you had to take a moment to remember my exact words, I’m surprised you remembered them at all. Unless you wrote them down. Don’t you write things down sometimes? It’s a good quote to write down.

 **John:** I didn’t write it down. Unlike you, I actually listen when you speak.

 **Lestrade:** Ooooh!

 **John:** And you repeat yourself a lot.

 **Lestrade:** Oooooohhhh!

 **Sherlock:** Hmm, but this is assuming you’d stop being a suspect in the first place.

 **John:** I know how to leave a clean crime scene, I’m a doctor.

 **Sherlock:** And a soldier.

 **John:** And a soldier.

 **Lestrade:** Within the same millisecond…

 **John:** Besides, with you, I’ve sort of learned all the things not to do when you murder someone.

 **Sherlock:** You’ve got a point.

 **John:** And when you’re dead, there’ll be no one left to solve your murder.

 **Lestrade:** What about me?

 **Sherlock:** You couldn’t.

 **Molly:** John, stop, you’re starting to sound scary

 **Sherlock:** No, let him speak.

 **Molly:** I mean, if you’d like hearing him explain how he’d successfully murder you…

 **Lestrade:** Whatever floats his boat, right?

_..._

And speaking of murder. (Or suicide)

John, Sherlock.

Consider this. Three deceased people. Reer, Hayes and… dammit, I’ve forgotten blade bloke’s name. It’s your fault for calling him blade bloke all the time.

 **Sherlock:** Careful, Lestrade. Don’t lose your memory so soon. We wouldn’t want you retiring early.

 **Lestrade:** It’s adorable that you want me to stick around for many years still.

 **Sherlock:** Better the devil you know than the devil you don’t.

 **John:** Okay: Sherlock shut up, Greg get to the point. What should we be considering?

 **Lestrade:** Right, anyway: three deceased people, three of us. We can split to investigate them individually, that’d be saving us time. How does it sound?

 **Sherlock:** Like the worst idea I’ve heard from you in a while.

1\. Do you really think you have a good chance of getting any sound conclusion from your investigation without me?

2\. Last time John went do something on his own during a case he got himself another limp and a frankly terrible girlfriend.

 **John:** Hey!

I wasn’t happy about either of those things either. And they weren’t my fault.

 **Sherlock:** And, lastly:

3\. It’s John’s free day. Come on. I need my blogger on the case with me, don’t I?

 **John** : Do you?

 **Sherlock:** Yes. It wasn’t your fault that you wooed that woman?

 **John:** It wasn’t my fault she was a psychopath and worked under Irene’s orders. And “wooed”, really?

I didn’t do much anyway. I’m just… naturally charming.

 **Lestrade:** Ok, John “three continents” Watson, tell us more.

 **John:** I would be willing to split, if it meant I’m not going to have to bear listening to you today.

I’m gonna hop in the shower and get ready, I hope you’ve forgotten about the damn nickname by the time I’m back.

 **Lestrade:** Ohhh, you’re gonna hop in Sherlock’s shower??

 **John:** God.

 **Lestrade:** On your own, or will he be with you?? ;) ;)

 **John:** I’m regretting everything I’ve ever said right now.

 **Molly:** Careful Greg, if he can murder Sherlock, he might murder you

 **Lestrade:** Well now I’m scared.

Because Sherlock would absolutely side with him and help him hide the proof.

 **Sherlock:** You’re right, but shut up. Final conclusion: we are NOT splitting to investigate individually.

  


* * *

 

  


**John:** Hey, I’m back from the bank where Sienna Hayes used to work. I’ve asked people questions. Her coworkers didn’t know much about her. I’m not sure I’m doing the detective thing right.

 **Mycroft:** What is the reason for this message?

 **John:** Oh, we’ve split to investigate individually.

 **Molly:** Interesting… development of events.

 **John:** Yeah.

Greg convinced us.

He’s doing Aaron Ross, I’m doing Sienna Hayes and Sherlock’s doing Daniel Reer.

 **Molly:** Aaron who?

 **John:** Oh, blade bloke.

 **Molly:** Ooooh.

I’m sure you’re fine, John. I mean, I’m sure you’re doing the detective thing mostly right. I mean, asking people questions is the first step, right?

 **John:** “Mostly right”, you flatter me.

 **Molly:** Sorry. I didn’t mean to be rude. I mean that the detective thing is Sherlock’s thing.

 **John:** It’s okay.

 **Sherlock:** Certainly, Molly. He’s probably asking all the wrong questions.

 **John:** Thanks for putting your trust in me.

 **Sherlock:** I never did. Lestrade decided to do it for me.

You know I trust you for most things, this one just isn’t one of them.

 **John:** You trust me?

 **Sherlock:** What?

 **John:** You really do?

 **Sherlock:** Yes.

 **John:** Show it more often then.

 **Sherlock:** I don’t?

 **John:** Pfft.

I mean, I suppose so. But you’re the clever one at the end of the day, aren’t you?

 **Sherlock:** I am the clever one in every situation. I don’t understand what you’re saying.

 **Molly:** Oh, Sherlock…

 **John:** What I mean, Sherlock, is that the reason it was a bad idea to split is you would have deduced Sienna’s coworkers to tears instead of just asking them questions and maybe the case would be solved already.

 **Sherlock:** Maybe, but that doesn’t mean I don’t trust you.

I’m sorry if I’ve ever failed to make it obvious.

Climb through the window or use a plastic card.

 **John:** Did you just say you’re sorry?

 **Sherlock:** No, the thing I just said was “Climb through the window or use a plastic card”.

 **John:** Sure, whatever. Technically true.

Wait. What?

 **Sherlock:** Sienna Hayes lived alone. In a house. Climb through a window if you can manage to open one. If you can’t, use a plastic card to open the lock of the door. It may be damaged in the process, so if you don’t have any unimportant cards on you borrow one from someone.

 **John:** Right. I’m pretty sure you mean “steal one”, don’t you?

 **Sherlock:** I didn’t want it to sound very illegal.

 **Lestrade:** Yeah, I’m here too, you know.

 **Sherlock:** Pfft, what are you going to do, arrest John for stealing a random credit card and using it to break into a house?

Don’t answer that. I’ve just realized you could do it.

 **John:** Sherlock, I don’t want to get another court order because of you. And both thanks to a “Blind Banker”! No, thank you.

 **Molly:** You can use a credit card to open a locked door? I wish I had known, the time I locked myself out. I had to wait for 2 hours and Toby was furiously meowing at me from the other side of the door the whole time.

 **Sherlock** : Molly. I don’t even know where to start responding to that.

 **Molly:** Don’t worry, you don’t have to. I just found a WikiHow article on breaking into your own house.

 **Lestrade:** John. You’re at the bank where Hayes worked, right?

 **John:** Are you going to arrest me? Because my answer may depend on that.

 **Lestrade:** I’m going to go with you so you don’t do anything illegal, you pillock. Wait for me.

 **Mycroft:** Sherlock... Splitting up was, no doubt, a terrible idea. How come you’re letting these people decide how you do your little job (that you’re so proud of) for you?

Ah, yes. Again, no reply.

Don’t get me wrong, I am giving you a compliment. I agree with you that your doctor and D.I. Lestrade are going to get nowhere without your help.

 **John:** I’m going to regret saying this, but Sherlock needs no help to get cocky, after all, so I’ll just say it… I agree, too.

 **Molly:** Is it rude of me to say I agree as well? Sherlock is Sherlock, after all.

 **John:** It’s refreshing to hear someone ask whether saying something would be rude before saying it.

 **Mycroft:** Doctor Watson, I’m sure you know that, by now, it is no secret to admit that you agree my brother’s intelligence is almost unmatched. All the words of admiration give you away.

 **John:** If by “almost unmatched” you mean how you’re supposed to be the cleverest brother, you can get rid of the “almost”.

And I don’t think I’ve ever really said any “words of admiration” towards Sherlock in front of you. You do have cameras don’t you?

 **Mycroft:** Ha, ha, ha. Could be. That, or Sherlock routinely gushes to me about how glad he is that you keep calling him “amazing” and “brilliant”, you know, when he’s telling me about his day.

 **John:** Haha, right. My explanation sounds more plausible, I think I’m sticking to that. From now on I’ll be a bit more wary of potential surveillance devices.  


 

* * *

 

  


**Lestrade:** Done with blade bloke. Spoke to his parents. They’re quite poor, and pretty disappointed with the people their son decided to turn to for easy money. That would be the tattoo gang. They said their son’s “creepy friends” had been fighting a lot with him as of lately.

They directed me to one of his friends. I thought it would be someone from the tattoo gang, but it was just a bloke who told me basically the same thing I had heard from his parents about Aaron’s “creepy friends”...

Up until he said they had been fighting because Aaron “was into money, but not into killing people”. Immediately laughed, added “or something” to his sentence and managed to sneak off. Real smooth.

 **Sherlock:** If I had been there we’d know much more.

 **Molly:** Well, I feel like Greg did his job well. What kind of new information would you know if you had been there?

 **Sherlock:** Well, naturally, I can’t know, because I wasn’t there.

 **Lestrade:** Excuses, excuses. What have you found out about Daniel Reer then, Mr. Holmes?

 **Sherlock:** I had a chat with the man who posed as the father of the stalked girl.

 **John:** You had _a chat_ with a member of the tattoo cult?

 **Sherlock:** Yes.

 **John:** Oh. Nice. That’s just great. Did you have tea and a piece of cake too?

I’m not even going to ask how you managed to find him.

 **Sherlock:** Why? That’s the best part.

 **Molly:** Sherlock, don’t get yourself kidnapped again! We were so worried the last time.

 **Sherlock:** Well, don’t worry. He isn’t one the people who kidnapped us. Or me, as in the time I got kidnapped individually because you, John, were somewhere else.

 **John:** Yeah, looking for you!

 **Sherlock:** In fact, he doesn’t belong to that part of the tattoo cult at all. He is the man who was sent to consult me by the woman. He’s not exactly very threatening.

And I’m better at boxing than he is.

And at tying knots too.

 **John:** I see.

 **Sherlock:** When the tattoo cult was baffled by Daniel Reer’s mysterious stalking, which, as we all know, they got really cross about, Irene told this guy to consult me.

Another part of the cult that wasn’t as stupid as him thought that tracking Reer down their own way and giving him the horrible punishment he deserved was better than consulting me. Of course, why only horribly punish and kill Daniel Reer, and not also the detective and his partner. So they kidnapped us. And then me, when they weren’t able to get to you a second time. Fortunately.

You aren’t that good at knots. Untying them.

 **John:** Offensive. How do you know that?

 **Sherlock:** How well did my last kidnapping go, in terms of you saving me?

 **John:** I had been DRUGGED, I wasn’t going to be the best at untying knots!

 **Lestrade:** Woah, I don’t remember that case from the blog.

 **Sherlock:** If you’re not good at untying knots while drugged, you’re just not good at untying knots.

Lestrade, you don’t remember because not all of our cases see the light of day. It’d be overwhelming for the impressionable minds of his readers, and far too tiring for him, writing up all that. Imagine the amount of forehead wrinkles.

I am now on my way to Ackerley’s house.

 **John:** Emma?

 **Sherlock:** Yes.

 **Mycroft:** And who would that be?

 **Sherlock:** The girl Daniel Reer had been stalking. Are your spies failing you again?

 **Mycroft:** I’ve told you not to use that term.

 **Sherlock:** Anyway, I will update you on what I find, John. And Lestrade. I’d tell you to update me on what you find in Sienna’s house, but I’m sure you will only pick up on the irrelevant information.

  


* * *

 

  


**Sherlock:** John.

 **John:** Yes?

 **Sherlock:** No, Lestrade. Lestrade works better.

 **John:** What? Why?

 **Sherlock:** Lestrade.

 **Lestrade:** Yes?

 **Sherlock:** I think Emma Ackerley might call the police on me.

 **Lestrade:** What?!

 **John:** What on EARTH did you do this time?

 **Sherlock:** Nothing.

 **Lestrade:** Sherlock...

 **Sherlock:** She said she didn’t “feel like speaking” and implied that if she had to, she’d only talk to an “actual authority”, not me.

 **John:** Okay, and...

 **Sherlock:** And so I decided to climb in through the window.

 **John:** Yeah, I think I see the problem.

 **Sherlock:** Only problem was that it’s not a house but a flat, and hers is on the third floor, and she saw me when I wasn’t even past the window of the first floor and yelled that she was going to call the police, so I didn't achieve much.

 **John:** That’s... not really the only problem with that.

I’ll go with you. You said you trust me, don’t you? Lestrade can keep looking for clues at Sienna’s.

 **Lestrade:** You do remember I am an actual part of the... police force? And my presence could help?

 **John:** I’d say it’s better if you stay, you have resources and a reason to be there... legally. And I'm scared about what Sherlock might say. I've met Emma Ackerley before. She's traumatised.

 **Lestrade:** Ok yeah, you go. Poor girl.

But hey, John.

 **John:** What?

 **Lestrade:** Don’t worry. Sherlock trusts you. Don’t be bothered by him asking for my help.

 **John:** I’m not bothered.

 **Sherlock:** What do I say to Ackerley in the meantime?

 **John:** “Please don’t call the police, John is on his way”?

 **Sherlock:** She’s not going to stop going mental just because I tell her you’re on your way.

…

Actually. Okay. That worked.

 **Lestrade:** John really is a natural charmer, huh, that lady has met him only once before and the mere suggestion of his presence soothes her.

 **John:** Shut up.

_..._

**Molly:** Everything Sherlock does is really a new kind of crazy… It’s amazing.

 **John:** Right? He actually is.

 **Molly:** He is what?

 **John:** Oh.

Sorry.

Thought you’d said “he’s amazing”.

 **Lestrade:** Wonder why.

  


* * *

 

 

 **Sherlock:** Bored.

 **Molly:**??? Aren’t you on a case literally right now?

 **Lestrade:** That’s what I was going to say.

 **Molly:** You know how reading your mind is my superpower :)

 **Sherlock:** I am, in theory.

John is chatting Emma up.

I hadn’t been to her house before. It’s an odd house. I’m not sure why. I have all sorts of interesting thoughts about her, but I lack the information necessary to make conclusions. So I’ll shut up.

 **Lestrade:** “I’ll shut up” is the best news we could’ve gotten from you.

 **Molly:** When you get that information, be sure to tell us. I’m interested.

 **Lestrade:** Don’t ruin it Molly!

 **Molly:** Aw come on, you know you’re interested too

 **Lestrade:** And now thanks to you he knows!

 **Sherlock:** I already knew.

This woman is really opening up to John. About the threats she received from Daniel Reer and all that. Apparently it was a “frightening experience” for her.

 **Molly:** Well, Sherlock… She was getting creepy, bloody death threats.

 **Sherlock:** Come on, the blood wasn’t even real. Wait, there’s been a change of topic. Her personal life. Boring.

 **Lestrade:** So they're chatting and you're... watching them and texting?

 **Sherlock:** From the kitchen, yes. John is just listening to her with the dumb look he gets in his face sometimes. When he listens. To people. Sometimes, me. Normally, pretty women. Then again there's more of them than me.

 **Mycroft:** The same look there is on his face in the profile picture that you so unnecessarily zoomed in?

 **Sherlock:** Precisely. Maybe not as smiley, at least not right now.

 **Mycroft:** Hm.

 **Sherlock:** Ah, the boring is over, she's asked about him. His life. How he “ended up interrogating women who had been stalked”. Apparently that was funny, they're both chuckling.

What does he mean “my annoying detective friend”?

He has corrected himself. Why? He said “flatmate”. “Friend”, then “flatmate”. Or was it more of an addition than a correction? I'm not sure. Maybe he says it as a way to warn her not to step foot on 221B because I, his annoying detective flatmate, would be there. Yes, well, maybe there are still remains of that dead rat in some parts of the floor, but I bet Mrs. Hudson will have cleaned it up by this evening. See, we even have a housekeeper, it’s a nice flat. She's told us she’s not our housekeeper, but she sure doesn’t practice what she preaches. And I only shoot the wall sometimes. Never when there’s visits. Wait, sometimes I do. If it’s an unfriendly visit and I happen to miss their forehead. But if I attempted to shoot Emma, it would be because she had it coming. So I don’t see the problem.

 **Mycroft:** Are you okay, Sherlock?

 **Sherlock:** Why wouldn't I be? What kind of question is that?

 **Mycroft:** Oh, it was just a completely unrelated question, don’t mind me.

 **Molly:** You’ve said there are remains of a dead rat on the floor?

 **Sherlock:** It was a tragic accident.

 **Mycroft:** Caused by you, I’m guessing.

 **Molly:** I think we all got that.

 **Mycroft:** Don’t get so arrogant, Hooper.

 **Molly:** Poor rat :(

 **Sherlock:** It was already dead when I used it for the test.

 **Molly:** Oh, I reckoned. I picture you killing a person before I picture you killing a rat.

 **Sherlock:** Oddly pleasant compliment.

 **Molly:** Ahaha, if you take it as such, then you’re welcome

 **Sherlock:** I think I’m leaving. John’s doing just fine on his own and I, as I’ve said, am bored.

 **Mycroft:** Dr. Watson? He doesn't seem to be getting a lot of information, so he certainly is doing what he does best.

 **Sherlock:** Flirt? Yes.

 **Mycroft:** I was thinking more... failing at his job as your… assistant, or whatever you want to call him.

Hmm… you’d rather call him a “friend”, perhaps?

 **Sherlock:** He is his own person, after all. He can flirt with people and waste time, if he wants to.

 **Mycroft:** That is what people do sometimes, is it not? Flirt and waste their time. Usually both at the same time. Funny, first example I’d mention would be Irene Adler.

 **Sherlock:** Dentist, Mycroft? You've gotten so used to texting since I created this group that you no longer limit yourself to texting only when at the dentist, but you're remarkably chatty today.

 **Mycroft:** Couldn't keep postponing my appointment.

  


* * *

 

  


**John:** Seriously, Sherlock? You could at least have told us you were leaving.

 **Molly:** He just left without saying a word?

 **John:** We didn't even see him. Or hear him! I'm starting to suspect he just climbed out of the window.

 **Lestrade:** Well, he was planning on climbing in at first, so why not?

 **Sherlock:** A detective doesn't reveal his secrets.

 **John:** The phrase goes “a magician”. A magician doesn’t reveal his secrets.

 **Sherlock:** Same thing.

 **John:** That’s fair… Your detective work does seem to be just magic tricks sometimes.

Where are you now then?

 **Sherlock:** Sienna’s. With Lestrade. Almost there.

Practically there.

Ah, Lestrade’s seen me through the window.

He’s waving.

No, wait, he’s not waving anymore. He’s flipping me off.

 **John:** What were the interesting thoughts you had about Emma?

 **Sherlock:** I’ve said it already, I can’t make hypotheses if I don’t have enough information.

 **John:** Probably not a psychopath who killed her cat, though?

 **Sherlock:** Probably not. She’s allergic to cats, actually. Why?

 **John:** Because I think I might have a date with her.

 **Sherlock:** Ah.

Good.

As in good for you.

 **John:** She just… kind of made the plans for me. For us. I agreed. Cinema, tomorrow night.

 **Molly:** That’s good, John!

I mean, I think. You don’t sound particularly happy.

 **Lestrade:** Sure sounds like a date.

“I think I’ll stay off the dating scene for a while”, said John Watson after accidentally dating a psychopath, and not long before getting himself two other dates, one of which was with a lesbian.

Just joking, have fun

(But… seriously, mate)

 **Sherlock:** The way today is going, I wouldn't be surprised if Mycroft went on a date.

 **Mycroft:** Oh, I have. With the dentist. Lovely chap.

 **Sherlock:** Really?

 **Mycroft:** What? Of course not, don’t be ridiculous, Sherlock.

 **Sherlock:** It was just in case.

 **John:** It was a little weird. It was her who seemed way more interested. Not that I wasn't, I just… I didn't even consider a date before she suggested it.

My head was somewhere else. Has been for a couple of days, really.

 **Lestrade:** Ah, John “Three Continents” Watson stumped by a woman's decisiveness.

 **John:** I suppose it's not a bad thing. Will make me forget about my brain fog. Also, quit calling me that. Damn Harry.

 **Lestrade:** I really thought for a second you were just going to ignore the nickname, damn it.

  


* * *

 

  


**Sherlock:** Well, now that none of us is busy with a case anymore, it’s about time to bring it up.

I think most of us will agree on something.

 **Molly:** Huh?

 **Sherlock:** At least I expect we’re all sick of it.

 **Lestrade:** Sick of what?

 **Sherlock:** Well, you just have to look at this chat.

 **John:**??

 **Sherlock:** The picture.

The profile picture of me.

With the stupid hat.

 **Molly:** Ooohhhh.

 **Lestrade:** It was that?

 **Molly:** But we love it, Sherlock!

 **John:** I could never be sick of it, you look so funny.

 **Lestrade:** Yeah, it’s great, you look so annoyed too

 **Mycroft:** I agree that both those things make it hilarious to see.

 **Sherlock:** All of you disappoint me.

Luckily, though, I don’t care what you say. It’s time to go back to John. :)

 **Lestrade:** You mean, John’s infatuated smile?

_You changed the profile picture._

**John:** Oh no, it’s not. I’m sick of seeing that photo Lestrade took of me without me even knowing.

_John changed the profile picture._

**Sherlock:** John, I hate that hat.

 **Lestrade:** Why don’t we compromise? A photo of the two of you together?

 **Molly:** Ohhh! The one from the news article!

_Molly changed the profile picture._

**John:** Both our faces are cut off by half!

 **Molly:** I couldn’t fit all of it!! In any case it’s your fault for not standing closer to each other!

 **Lestrade:** I should have taken a picture of them on the weekiversary Sunday. It was a unique opportunity and I threw it away.

 **Mycroft:** This is all so stupid.

 **Sherlock:** I have a picture of us, together.

 **John:** Really?

Oh, that one?

 **Sherlock:** That one.

 **Lestrade:** Which one?

 **Molly:** Show us!!

 **Sherlock:** _*sends picture*_

We were teaching Mrs. Hudson how to use her phone camera, shortly after we gave her her smartphone. She decided she absolutely needed to take our picture.

 **Lestrade:** Oh look at you two, it looks like you got a professional portrait done, haha

 **Molly:** Mrs. Hudson could be photographer

 **John:** She made Sherlock hold his skull, as you can see.

 **Molly:** “To be or not to be?”

 **John:** And she made us both smile, wouldn’t take it until we were both smiling.

 **Sherlock:** The way John smiles for pictures is terribly fake, so she also made me tell him a joke.

 **John:** Multiple jokes. He told me multiple jokes. All of them about bees.

 **Molly:** “To bee or not to bee?”

 **Sherlock:** I was running out of jokes by the time I succeeded and he finally found one of them funny.

 **John:** Ah no no no, don’t get it wrong. I laughed because they were so bad.

 **Sherlock:** Sure you did.

 **John:** It’s true.

 **Sherlock:** You found them funny. You were trying to contain your laughter the whole time.

 **John:** The _situation_ was funny, not your jokes.

 **Sherlock:** Liar.

 **John:** Why did the bee go to the barbershop?

To get a buzz cut.

 **Lestrade:** Oh that’s terrible.

 **John:** See?

 **Sherlock:** You’re cheating, that’s the worst one I told.

 **Molly:** I think it’s sort of funny… In a way!

 **Lestrade:** You’re so nice to everyone, Molly, I swear.

 **Molly:** I’m serious, though!

 **Lestrade:** No, it’s ok. It’s sweet of you to try to make Sherlock feel better about his jokes. But you can stop now

 **Molly:** But I’m serious! Is it that bad? I don’t think it’s that bad. I really did find it funny.

 **Lestrade:** I’m just messing with you, Molls.

I love your awful sense of humour.

 **Molly:** Greg!!

 **Lestrade:** Haha

 **Mycroft:** Sherlock, brother dear. You have excellent control of the information you store in your brain, which you have told me (and everyone you know) you consider a hard drive in which one must only keep things they have an important purpose for…, and you kept in it a repertoire of enough awful bee-related jokes to make John Watson laugh?

 **Sherlock:** You’ve answered your own question. Which wasn’t even a question.

 **Molly:** So anyway, it’s decided then? New profile picture?

 **Sherlock:** Yes.

_You changed the profile picture._

**John:** But Sherlock, Mrs. H took that picture, with her phone. How come you have it?

 **Sherlock:** Well, isn’t it obvious?

 **John:** Oh, no.

She posted it on Facebook, didn’t she?

I’ve TOLD her not to post our pictures on Facebook.

And Mrs. Turner always leaves an infinite string of the same comment calling us “Handsome young men”. Which, while flattering, is embarrassing and sort of annoying. Also she uses that emoji that’s two men with a heart between them.

 **Sherlock:** No, John. I have it because I asked her to send it to me.

 **John:** Oh! Okay.

Why?

 **Sherlock:** Just wanted to have it.

 **Lestrade:** Sometimes the conversations between you two are like two children trying to communicate thoughts and feelings the way adults do, did you know that?

Especially on Sherlock’s part…

They’re painful to hear/read.

 **Sherlock:** So don’t hear/read them.

 **Molly:** Mrs. Hudson has a Facebook? I’m gonna look her up!

 **Lestrade:** You have a Facebook? I’m gonna look you up haha

 **Molly:** Let’s all add each other! :)

 **Sherlock:** Oh, how wonderful, what a beautiful moment of socialization.

I’d rather be a child if this is what adult conversations consist of.

 **Mycroft:** Well, that was the choice you made. You never did quite grow up, did you, little brother?

 **Molly:** Oh, no, I just realized I’m still “single” according to my Facebook, haha!

 **Lestrade:** Ah, me too. We better change that, then

 **Molly:** Yep!

 **Lestrade:** Don’t want blokes flirting with you because your profile states you’re single

 **Molly:** Hahaha, idiot

 **Sherlock:** John, I’m pretty sure this is the new way to make a relationship official, so here you have your answer - they’re _serious_ serious.

 **John:** I’m pretty sure you’re right.

Also, Molly, Sherlock doesn’t have a Facebook. I have one, but I barely even log in.

 **Molly:** Oh, I was about to announce I’d found you. Can I still add you?

Why is your relationship status “complicated”? haha

 **John:** Is it??

I never set it as that.

 **Molly:** Oh, that’s weird then.

 **John:** … It really isn’t.

Sherlock?

 **Sherlock:** Okay, yes, it was me. But you’re constantly getting new girlfriends and then breaking up with them. Might as well.

 **Lestrade:** Yeah, and we don’t want any girls flirting with him because his profile states he’s single, do we

Oh, Facebook recommended I add your sister as a friend, John. Perfect. Maybe she’ll tell me more of your uni shenanigans.

 **John:** Don’t you DARE.

 **Lestrade:** Oh and Mike Stamford. He also went to uni with you didn’t he?

 **John:** GREG.

 **Mycroft:** Good night, then, everyone. This conversation is becoming boring. And Facebook-centered. Dear God. Clearly my cue to leave.

 **Molly:** Don’t you have a Facebook, Mycroft? Haha. Weird question

 **Sherlock:** Molly, he’s the British Government.

Of course he has a Facebook.

 **Mycroft:** Bedtime, children. Bedtime.

 **Molly:** Good night then…

Actually, I’ll probably be going to sleep in a few hours from now. But good night to whoever’s going to bed now!

 **Sherlock:** Ah, I was right then. Lestrade is on his way to wherever you are. But I’m guessing just your house, judging by his clothes. Not fancy enough for an outside date.

 **Lestrade:** God, Sherlock.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading and commenting! Hope you liked this chapter, because I think I did? As in, I'm particularly fond of this one, I think?  
> Also, to Akatoao who asked for some more Johnlock, I hear you. Soon. It's coming. Slowly. It's approaching. Be afraid.


	15. It's a thing friends do for each other - Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's a lot of talking about feelings, John has that date with Emma tonight, the case goes on and, apparently, Sherlock hasn't changed some of the names for his contacts in months/years.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Every now and then I get a little bIT LONELY sorry, no.  
> Every now and then I get stupidly nervous about a certain chapter ("is it stupid? is this dialogue just me trying too hard to be funny?? is this bit too dramatic/cheesy for a lighthearted funny fic?????"). Despite that, I would welcome any criticism you might have! I would ALSO welcome people assuring me that it's okay and they liked the chapter just fine hahaha. haha. Ha. (Not that I need more praise, I keep getting the nicest comments, and they sometimes seem exaggerated to me!).  
> This applies mostly to the second part of it so I don't know why I'm rambling here! Aaaah! Whatever, enjoy the chapter!

_Next day! Friday! (TGIF!)_

 

 **Molly:** Good morning!!

 **Lestrade:** I already wished you a good morning earlier, but Sherlock’s little tidy mind will go crazy if the pattern doesn’t go on, so here: good morning, Molls. And to everyone who isn’t Molly: you lot are free to have a good morning too, I guess.

 **John:** Good morning. Are we really calling it a tidy mind? Sometimes it seems so messy.

 **Sherlock:** My mind is everything but messy. That’s what a mind palace is for, John. It’s like you don’t know me.

 **Mycroft:** You may have been misled by my brother’s tendency to make a crazy hurricane out of all his surroundings. His mind does in fact seem fairly tidy.

Except, I suppose, for the stack of dreadful bee jokes in the corner of his mind palace, somewhere. But let’s not talk about that.

And good morning, I suppose.

 **Molly:** Oh, you have manners! Good morning.

 **Sherlock:** What do you mean by that? I have manners too.

 **Mycroft:** Sherlock, let the grown-ups talk.

 **John:** Crazy hurricane… Yeah, tell our flat about crazy hurricanes!

And Mrs. Hudson. She’s here, cleaning up.

 **Sherlock:** And all the while insisting that she’s not our housekeeper. What cognitive dissonance.

 **Molly:** Aw, Mrs. Hudson is there? Tell her I said hi! Also, tell her I said thank you for being willing to have us for dinner.

 **John:** Anytime you want to, sweetheart… John has mentioned you are going out with inspector Lestrade! Lucky you!!! I always knew you had the potential to find yourself a good man. You deserve the best. I still remember the look on his face on Christmas, when he saw you take off your coat… You were wearing a beautiful dress... But I’m sure when he was gaping at you he wasn’t just noticing the nice fabric. :)

This is Mrs. Hudson, by the way. :)!

 **Mycroft:** Oh, well, that is a shock. I thought John had simply started calling all his female friends “sweetheart” out of affection.

 **Sherlock:** That’s what you’ve chosen to point out about that text that doesn’t sound like it’s John? Really?

 **Mycroft:** Yes. I’m sure doctor Watson would sooner start talking about himself in the third person like a madman than call anyone “sweetheart”.

 **Lestrade:** Mrs. Hudson, you’ve got a sharper eye than Sherlock. And I’m honoured you consider me a good enough man. Cheers!

 **Molly:** Well, now I’m blushing. Haha! Thanks for the nice words, Mrs. Hudson. 

 **John:** Of course I’ve got a sharper eye than Sherlock, dear, at least when it comes to everything that is not murder and such! He only ever thinks about murder, God help us. But that’s our Sherlock, isn’t he? We love him anyways! But, thank God he’s going out with John now. Not only thinking about murder anymore… Now he thinks about murder and about John! Isn’t that much better? He takes Sherlock’s mind off the crazy… When he isn’t joining in! Ahhh, two of a kind. Well, John is insisting I give him back his phone… Drop by whenever you feel like it… You’re welcome in 221B (And don’t let grumpy Sherlock try to tell you you aren’t. I’m the one who really has a say!!)

 **Molly:** You’re so right, and thank you!!

 **Lestrade:** Haha. Grumpy Sherlock. I’m calling him that from now on.

 **John:** Many kisses for all of you!!! Happy Friday!!!

**Mycroft:** I politely decline the many kisses.

 **Molly:** Bye Mrs. Hudson!! It’s been a pleasure to chat!

 **Lestrade:** Bye!

 **Sherlock:** … There is such thing as too many emojis, and that was that.

 **Mycroft:** That’s where you are wrong. One emoji is already an excessive amount.

 **John:** Well then. Hello. The kissy emoji had never been among my recently used emojis until now.

 **Sherlock:** Don’t lie, I’ve seen you send it to your girlfriends.

 **Lestrade:** God, how I love Mrs. Hudson. “Going out with John”. She’s used the exact same expression she used for Molly and I. An example of how when Mrs. Hudson talks about Sherlock and John, I never know if she knows something we don’t or if she’s just talking about the regular state of their relationship.

 **Sherlock:** It’s the latter.

 **Lestrade:** Oh, good to know

 **Molly:** Sooo Inspector Lestrade, what exactly was... the look on your face when I took off my coat?

 **John:** Oh, it’s a shame you didn’t see him. It was quite funny.

 **Lestrade:** You looked amazing, what can I say?

 **John:** If I remember correctly, he just stood there in awe for a few seconds while you and Mrs. Hudson were already moving on with the conversation.

 **Molly:** No way, hahah. You’re joking with me.

 **John:** No, I’m serious! I think it was only when you asked him about Dorset that he snapped back to reality and remembered he was supposed to be back with his wife.

Ex-wife.

 **Lestrade:** Didn’t go very well between her and I.

 **Sherlock:** I told you she was sleeping with the P.E. teacher.

 **Lestrade:** You did, didn’t you... I hate you when you’re right.

 **Mycroft:** You have ruined a marriage _again_ , Sherlock? I didn’t know.

 **Sherlock:** I told you the last time it happened - they were already ruined, I just notify them.

Was Lestrade really making a face?

 **John:** Yeah, you weren’t looking. Of course.

 **Molly:** You were the only one who didn’t notice. When I took off my coat, I mean.

Not that it matters now, after so long, haha.

Or that it matters at all!

Anyway! I should get ready to go to work.

 **John:** I should get going as well.

 **Sherlock:** Are you sure you can’t just not go to work?

 **John:** Sherlock… Yes, I’m sure.

 **Sherlock:** Alright.

 **John:** Before I leave: you should get dressed in something that isn’t a bedsheet, and have some breakfast. Don’t you and Lestrade have to do case stuff?

 **Sherlock:** Case stuff, yes.

 **Lestrade:** Feeling lazy, grumpy Sherlock?

 **Sherlock:** You really are calling me that.

 **Lestrade:** You bet I am.

 **Sherlock:** Stayed up until 5:30 a.m. Thinking. Doing experiments.

 **Lestrade:** You’re just sleepy then, like the rest of us mortals in the mornings. Thank God. I do like the occasional reminder that you’re a functioning human

 **John:** Hmm, wouldn’t be so sure, myself.

I mean.

Functioning?

 _Human_?

 **Lestrade:** Yeah, on second thought…  

Don’t worry though, grumpy Sherlock, because it’s almost the end of the week… TGIF!

 **Sherlock:** Do _not_.

 **Mycroft:** Agreed. Please, do not.

 **Lestrade:** TGIF!! Weekiversary soon!

 **Mycroft:** Oh, by God. I’m going to work.

 **Sherlock:** I’m getting dressed in something other than a bedsheet.

 **Lestrade:** I love it. Those two words are like pretentious genius repellent.

 **John:** Sherlock: Have breakfast, too!

 **Mycroft:** How funny. Not even Mum was so insistent in that respect.

 **Sherlock:** Yes, well, she did give up on forcing me to eat after I bit her, didn’t she?

 **John:** Are you going to bite me, too?

 **Sherlock:** Maybe, why, looking forward to it?

 **John:** What?

 **Sherlock:** What?

 **Mycroft:** I didn’t think you remembered biting Mum… You were very young.

 **Sherlock:** I don’t. It was in “Dad’s” list of reasons why he considered giving me away to another family. You know, the one that you wrote and then got me to find, in order to make me cry.

 **Mycroft:** True, true. Oh, the old times.

 **John:** Your childhood sounds horrifying.

 **Mycroft:** You have not the slightest idea, doctor.

 **Sherlock:** Not to worry, I deduced he’d forged Dad’s handwriting after five seconds.

 **Mycroft:** But your eyes had already welled up by then.

 **Sherlock:** Not true.

 **Lestrade:** Hey, you two?

Weekiversary. TGIF.

 **Mycroft:** Leaving now.

 **Sherlock:** Me too.

 **Lestrade:** Good.

 

 

* * *

 

  


**Lestrade:** Hey grumpy Sherlock. Here are the photos of the phones we found in Hayes’ house, right where we found them, since Mr. Sherlock Holmes won’t accept a phone in a plastic bag because blah blah not enough information blah blah I am the best and I have a photo with a stupid hat to prove it blah.

 **Sherlock:** I hate the photo with the hat.

 **Molly:** Hi there and woah, how many phones did you find in her house?

 **Lestrade:** Three phones!

 **Molly:** Sounds a bit excessive, doesn’t it?

 **Sherlock:** I think it sounds like almost the right amount, for a woman with the life she had. A phone, however, was found in her car after the accident, which makes the total four phones, and _that_ sounds like the right amount.

 **Lestrade:** That one was completely shattered after the accident, so no information - it seems like we’re in luck now.

 **Sherlock:** We will be if you send me the photos already.

 **Lestrade:** Ok, damn. Grumpy.

_*sends picture*_

**Sherlock:** She barely used this one, obvious when we compare its state to the others, or at least to what I could see of the others after a quick glance. The fact that it was hidden away in that drawer when you found it makes my deduction an obvious fact. Purely practical phone case, obviously chosen for the protection it offers. A dark colour, doesn’t bring a lot of attention to itself. It’s also not top-notch technology, as one of your not-that-incompetent people mentioned. Can only do calling and SMS, unlike her other phones, so it’s for emergencies, calling someone from a different phone sometimes, that sort of thing.

 **Lestrade:** “Not that incompetent”, big deal. I’ll pass on the compliment to the bloke who said the thing about the phone case.

 **Sherlock:** Please don’t. He was obviously a “fan” of mine. He might ask me for an autograph or something worse.

 **Lestrade:** Arrogant much?

 **Sherlock:** Not really.

 **Lestrade:** How the hell do you know he was a “fan” then?

 **Sherlock:** How did you not know? His phone, his stance, the piece of paper peeking out of his wallet, the collar of his jacket, his eye movements.

 **Lestrade:** What?

 **Sherlock:** Can you just send the next picture?

 **Lestrade:** _*sends picture*_

 **Sherlock:** This one is for friends. “Pretty” phone case, clearly bought for aesthetic purposes, but she still likes the protection it offers. Used more often, yet also much better cared for; she took good care of the money she had to spend on a more expensive and functional phone, which means the tattoo cult didn’t exactly make her rich. Makes the fact that she refused to obey her orders very interesting, it had to be for what she considered good reason, which means she has a strong moral compass. Found in the drawer of her bedside table; safe, but right next to her. First drawer too, a priority object, like the rest of things in that drawer, you just have to look at them. It’s also clear that was its designed spot in the drawer, so she used to put it there everyday. Tidy person with a tidy mind.

 **Lestrade:** Yeah, some people really have it all, unlike you, Sherlock.

Next one. _*sends picture*_

 **Sherlock:** Look at the tear and wear. She tries so hard to take care of her “phone for friends” but can’t help getting scratches and cracks on this one. Left on the coffee table, almost looks like it was forgotten there while she was in a rush; at least that’s what the angle of it as compared with the position of the doors in the room makes it look like. Must be the one she uses for her gritty tattoo cult business.

 **Lestrade:** What about the one that was in her car? For work?

 **Sherlock:** Obviously. You have a phone for your criminal activities, a phone for your regular social life, a backup phone and another one that you take with you on your commute, what must the latter be for? It’s a superfluous question.

 **Lestrade:** Well… Superfluous is a superfluous word.

 **John:** Don’t have much time to read all that, but I see you two are making progress.

 **Lestrade:** Yep

 **Sherlock:** Lestrade has no time to lose, seeing as tonight he has yet. Another. Date.

 **Molly:** No he doesn’t.

 **John:** Huh?

 **Sherlock:** Yes, he does.

 **Mycroft:** This should be funny.

 **Molly:** No, we don’t.

Have a date today.

Do we? hahaha.

 **Lestrade:** No we don’t. Not yet, haha

 **Sherlock:** Hmm, lying to your brand new girlfriend already, Gabe?

 **Lestrade:** Jesus Christ. Of course I’m not! And it’s GREG.

 **John:** Gabe. That’s a new one.

 **Molly:** Why do you say he’s got a date, Sherlock?

 **John:** Must have just assumed that’s what he was doing that made him so eager to finish work early. Right?

 **Molly:** No, he’s said it very confidently. So why is it?

 **Mycroft:** Agreed, Hooper. Very confidently indeed.

 **Molly:** You shut up.

 **John:** He’s Sherlock, he says everything very confidently. Yesterday he confidently assured me that the blender could stand one more experiment. Which was a dead rat. Which the blender couldn’t stand.

And now we need to go shopping for a new blender. And it’s gonna be me who goes shopping for it, I know it.

 **Sherlock:** Obviously it was everything: nice ironed clothes (and I must add that this time they were the kind of clothes you wear to an “outside date”), the attention paid to details, remarkably well brushed hair, he was clean shaven, his shoes were even POLISHED for God’s sake. He hardly ever reaches that level of grooming, even if he has to go to a formal event, I’ve seen it before. The only times I’ve seen him dressed up so nicely recently were… let me see if I recall… 1. on Sunday when we went for drinks, where you, Molly, would be, 2. the day before yesterday, before he’d be meeting you, Molly, for dinner (and other entertaining couple activities) and 3. finally yesterday again, before you spent the night together again. Not to mention the fact that for a second I was able to peek at a reminder he’d set on his phone for this evening, his incentive for finishing work early. So evidently, he has a date today.

 **Molly:** Oh.

 **Lestrade:** Ok, whatever, Sherlock. Flattered that you check me out on a daily basis.

 **Sherlock:** Arrogant much?

 **Molly:** So you happen to have a date I didn’t know about, then?

 **Lestrade:** You’re really trusting him and his deductions, Molls?

 **John:** Did I mention what happened to the contents of the blender? After a minute there was dead rat all over. There still is. Sherlock did mention, didn’t he?

 **Sherlock:** Why wouldn’t she trust my deductions? They’re always correct.

 **John:** Ah, yes, haha. That’s the funniest joke you’ve told. You should have said the day Mrs. H. took our picture, instead of telling bee jokes. I would’ve laughed.

_..._

**Sherlock:** Maybe not 100% of them are correct, but the percentage is close enough.

 **John:** Hmm, I wouldn’t say that much.

 **Sherlock:** Right. I suppose my help is useless, then.

 **John:** Who the hell are you helping here?

 **Sherlock:** Right now? I don’t know. Molly, maybe.

 **Lestrade:** Why are you acting as though I’m cheating on her or something?

 **Molly:** Look, stop talking about this, I’m getting a headache and it’s like you’re having a conversation about me without me. I’ve got work to do anyway

 **Lestrade:** Wait, Molls.

 **John:** You two should discuss this in a private conversation and we should all ignore this dick.

 **Sherlock:** Is the dick me?

 **John:** Yes, Sherlock. The dick is you.

 **Sherlock:** I don’t understand why. I simply stated facts. She even actually asked me this time. Isn’t that good?

 **John:** You think you’re being nice? Like when you told her “Jim” was gay?

 **Sherlock:** Yes. And I was sort of right, wasn’t I?

 **John:** Except that you missed the part where it was much more important to save Molly from dating a “consulting criminal” than to save her from dating a gay man, which by the way, since you're boasting about being always right, was an act he was putting on to (successfully!) fool you.

 **Molly:** And where saving me from awful boyfriends is not your mission, Sherlock

 **Sherlock:** I didn’t think it was.

 **Lestrade:** I’m not an awful boyfriend

 **Mycroft:** This is _definitely_ funny.

 **John:** Why don’t we change the topic?

 **Mycroft:**  Hm. Doesn’t sound like a popular request at the moment, Dr. Watson. Sad attempt.

 **John:** Oh thanks for chiming in, Dick the Eldest.

 **Mycroft:** Excuse me?

 **John:** You are excused.

 **Molly:** Shut up. All of you, shut up.

_…_

Thank you.

You know, despite being a

What did you say, John?

Ok, consulting criminal. Wow

Despite being a consulting criminal, Jim was really kind to me. We had fun together.

And he was so different from you, Sherlock. Not that you and me ever dated. You know what I mean.

But it was all acting, so I suppose it doesn’t matter.

Except, you know what? It does matter. Because he was kind to me, and it was so nice. And I think I deserve to date someone who isn’t a sociopath and who actually likes girls and who is really, genuinely kind to me.

And Greg is exactly that, and I hate that I was about to assume he’s having a secret date with some secret girl just because in my mind, you always have to be right. I’ve always been in control of everything in my life, until I met you, because you’re the kind of person who ruins all that, but I’d like my life to be the same again.

Not all of it, of course. I do like the whole crime thing.

Wouldn’t be into Greg if I didn’t, to be honest.

So please don’t try to save me from having awful boyfriends, but please, make an effort and try to save me from having awful friends, because I would really, really like you to be my friend, Sherlock.

Got to go back to work now. The dead bodies are piling up.

Not literally.

Looking forward to tonight, Greg.

Bye!

 **Lestrade:** Me too, Molls.

I don’t think I’ll ever try to set up a surprise date ever again.

_..._

_..._

_..._

 

**“Molly Hooper Morgue”.**

_Status: -_

**Sherlock:** Molly. 

You haven’t been the first person to tell me that it isn’t my responsibility to save you. But you remember that, don’t you. You were there when she said that.

I have made the same mistake twice is what I mean.

I’m sorry.

I’m also sorry that this is the second time I apologize to you. I'm guessing that makes it worse. Does it?

 

**“Lestrade Competent D.I.”**

_Status: Online._

**Sherlock:** Lestrade. 

I didn’t mean to imply you were seeing anybody other than Molly.

 **Lestrade:** Really? Because it sounded exactly like that.

 **Sherlock:** I don’t know what I was thinking.

_..._

**Lestrade:** If this is an apology, I accept it.

 **Sherlock:** Oh, thank goodness, I was fearing I'd have to go on.

 **Lestrade:** Don’t you know how to apologize in person?

 **Sherlock:** Hm. Can't be sure. Never done it before.

 **Lestrade:** I’ll allow this for now, but next time you’ll have to write an elaborate apology letter full of “I’m sorry”s and give it to me personally in a pretty envelope. Be warned.

 **Sherlock:** Hilarious. Be warned as well, then. Don’t see anybody other than Molly. I would deduce it.

 **Lestrade:**? Don’t worry, I’m sure you would. Would you care?

 **Sherlock:** Molly has just established herself as my potential friend, so I suppose I would.

 **Lestrade:** God, Sherlock. I never know what you’re really thinking, or if you really care.

You’re so weird.

 **Sherlock:** I’ve been told that a couple of times before.

 **Lestrade:** Yeah I bet. Actually, I recall someone calling you a "freak" maybe once or twice... 

 

**“John”.**

_Status: Online._

**John:** Sherlock.

 **Sherlock:** Yes, that’s my name. Only one of them, actually.

 **John:** You have more than one?

 **Sherlock:** Just like you, John Hamish.

 **John:** And you chose to go by Sherlock? How strange was the other one?

 **Sherlock:** The other two.

 **John:** Oh great, you have three names and you still chose Sherlock. Doesn’t that say a lot about you.

Wait. Whatever. Don’t distract me.

 **Sherlock:** This was your doing entirely. Not my fault you’re easily distracted.

 **John:** What I was going to say was, you should apologize to Molly and Greg.

 **Sherlock:** Already have.

 **John:** Ha. No, really. Saying “I was sort of right though” isn’t an apology. At all.

 **Sherlock:** I’m serious. I already have.

 **John:** Wait, really?

 **Sherlock:** What more do you want, screenshots as proof?

 **John:** No, no. No need.

_..._

Actually, maybe I do want screenshots.

 **Sherlock:** Too late, I’ve regretted offering them.

 **John:** That’s fair.

 **Sherlock:** I should stop exposing my deductions in the group chat at all. I bet you all have enough of them during the cases.

 **John:** “You all” meaning Lestrade and me?

 **Sherlock:** Yes.

 **John:** I’m sure Molly enjoys getting a peek at your very clever and impressive deductions, when they’re not meant to make her feel insecure and distrust her boyfriend.

Her boyfriend, that still sounds weird.

 **Sherlock:** What sounds weird, that Molly would have a boyfriend?

 **John:** No, the fact that it’s Greg. See? You can’t help being… like that.

 **Sherlock:** That’s exactly why I should stop exposing my deductions.

I seem to get them wrong often enough anyway.

_…_

**John:** Are you okay?

 **Sherlock:** What?

 **John:** I just remembered what Molly said. On Tuesday. You said you didn’t accomplish anything, and she asked if you were okay, because you never put yourself down like that.

 **Sherlock:** And are you really asking, or are you just rememorating?

 **John:** I’m really asking.

That day, I got worried too, you know. That’s why I wanted to pick you up from that warehouse. Because you didn’t seem to be quite… okay.

 **Sherlock:** Well, I’ve said nothing concerning. It’s the same thing you said earlier today.

 **John:**  What do you mean?

 **Sherlock:** Well, you didn’t exactly say it.

 **John:** So then? What do you mean?! 

 **Sherlock:** You did find the idea of all my deductions being correct to be laughable.

 **John:** Oh.

Well, they’re not always correct, no matter how bad you want me to lie to my blog readers about it.

 **Sherlock:** Why does your integrity have to extend to your blog readers? 

 **John:** Why wouldn't it?! 

 **Sherlock:** What would you say is the percentage of correct deductions?

 **John:** I don’t know. 99.3%?

Sorry. I don't know. That was made up. I suppose when you say percentages you don’t just make them up, but I have to.

 **Sherlock:** Is that close enough to 100% to you?

 **John:** Well, obviously it’s close enough for everyone. Including all your clients and the entirety of Scotland Yard.

 **Sherlock:** I don’t care about them. I care about you.

_..._

**John:** Yes, Sherlock. It’s close enough.

Are you okay?

 **Sherlock:** Yes. 

No need to ask a third time.

Lestrade is demanding I pay full attention to the case now.

 **John:**  Okay. 

Yeah, I should go back to work too. 

Good luck. Text if there's an important update, or anything.

 **Sherlock:** Speaking of Lestrade, do you still want those screenshots as proof? Last chance.

 **John:** No, don’t worry.

I believe you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! I'll post part 2 soon!


	16. It's a thing friends do for each other - Part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've rewritten half of this chapter a million times! Hope you like it! I'm nervous about it!!1!

* * *

 

 

**“BORED”.**

**Sherlock:** Hate to be the one who breaks the silence in the group chat. No, I really don’t. John, are you busy? The answer is yes, but are you busy enough? Probably not. Your shift is almost over. End it early and join me at NSY. Join us. In case the perspective of seeing Lestrade stokes you.

 **John:** Can’t you wait until it’s actually over?

 **Sherlock:** Time is very valuable in our job.

 **John:** Oh, it’s “our” job? But you’re the Only Consulting Detective in the World, aren’t you?

 **Sherlock:** Well, you’re the only consulting detective… associate… blogger.

 **John:** I see.

 **Sherlock:** And doctor.

 **John:** Yes. 

 **Sherlock:** And general… helper.

 **John:** That sounds like an awful title.

 **Sherlock:** Exactly. Anyhow, I need to contact that hacker. The one who spoke to you via your blog.

 **John:** You deleted his contact information again?

 **Sherlock:** You know I need to do a wipe every now and then.

 **John:** You already do that to your brain, you could at least use your phone/laptop to salvage some info. Why do you need him?

 **Sherlock:** I need access to Sienna's phone. The gritty business one.

 **John:** Just guess the password?

 **Sherlock:** _Deduce_ the password.

And I couldn't.

 **John:** Oooooh, Sherlock Holmes can't deduce a little password?

 **Sherlock:** Listen.

 **John:** Couldn't you just have sat where Sienna might have thought of the password? Spun around in her chair and looked at her books and stuff?

 **Sherlock:** Shut up.

 **John:** Or maybe you've realized that some people just set a series of random numbers as their password?

 **Sherlock:** Oh.

Is that what happened to your laptop?

 **John:** Goddammit, I knew it. When you said that you hadn’t looked through my laptop because it was boring, you just meant you couldn’t guess the password?

 **Sherlock:** Deduce. Deduce the password.

 **Lestrade:** Sherlock Holmes, busted! I love when this happens.

 **Sherlock:** John, just come here and let me use your phone to talk to him. Also help us do a thing.

 **John:** What thing?

 **Sherlock:** Time is _very_ valuable in our job.

 **Lestrade:** He just wants you here, you know. He’s been loudly speaking to you since he entered the house.

 **John:** Yeah, he does that.

 **Lestrade:** Well, I’m here with a team who had never met him before and they’re already speculating about his sanity, so come here quickly.

 **Sherlock:** Who cares about speculations?

 **John:** I do, so don’t do anything crazy until I get there.

 **Sherlock:** Why would you care about what people speculate about _me_?

 **John:** Just don’t.

 

* * *

 

 

 **Mycroft:** Has any of you been kidnapped yet?

 **John:** No, sorry to disappoint.

 **Mycroft:** Hello, then. Just a question. Do you really follow my brother around like a puppy to the point you change your timetable for him?

 **John:** Less like a puppy and more like a concerned nanny.

Not that that leaves me in a better position.

Not sure why I’ve said it.

 **Sherlock:** Brother. Since you’re so interested. We’re going through Sienna’s phone, which I was obviously right about, because it’s filled with interesting conversations with the tattoo cultists. We might just track some of them down.

 **John:** And we’ve discovered that the “newbies” don’t get forehead tattoos until they’ve proven themselves to be proper sadistic criminals, which makes identifying the tattoo cultists, like Sherlock’s said, harder than we thought.

 **Mycroft:** Slow but steady progress, I see.

 **John:** And we’ve found an interesting codeword. “Go blue”.

 **Sherlock:** We’ve heard it before. When we got cornered by the tattoo cultists. But it was a bit out of context, since we didn’t quite understand their conversation. It is now obvious that it’s a reference to whatever punishment the cult inflicts on their loose sheep, that is, what they were going to do to Reer, to Hayes, probably to Ross, eventually, and to us, too.

 **Mycroft:** Fascinating term.

 **Sherlock:** Believe me, I love it. It has to be a reference to cyanosis, as that would mean the victims of the punishment quite literally go blue. And by “has to” I mean that if that’s not what it is, I’ll be very disappointed on that wasted potential.

 **John:** So what they do to their victims could involve asphyxiation, or induced hypothermia.

Or it could be an intracranial hemorrhage or… a bunch of things.

 **Sherlock:** Could also be drug overdose. Heroin can cause it.

 **John:** And electroshock therapy?

 **Sherlock:** Electroshock therapy?

 **John:** Induced tonic-clonic seizure.

 **Sherlock:** Oh, obviously. Good thinking, doctor.

 **John:** Most likely the first two things, though.

 **Sherlock:** Most likely the first two things, yes.

 **Mycroft:** Glad you two understand each other so well.

 **Sherlock:** In any case, this is excellent news.

 **Molly:** What is? The fact that the tattoo cultists are getting choked, drugged to death or subjected to electroshock therapy?

Also, hi

 **Sherlock:** No, the fact that we now know we should be wary of any bluish corpses. Especially when we have a morgue worker readily available. Hi, Molly.

 **Molly:** I’ll be on the lookout

 

**“Molly Hooper Morgue”.**

_Status: Online._

**Molly:** No, Sherlock… it doesn’t make it worse.

In your case, it’s good to see you apologizing several times. It means that you’re really sorry. At least that’s the theory of it

 **Sherlock:** Yes, at least that’s the theory of it.

I was right, though.

 **Molly:** What do you mean?

 **Sherlock:** My deductions were right. He did have a date. I pointed out he only dresses up like that when he’s seeing _you_ , which was the case. And it was true he was lying to you, in a way.

 **Molly:** Because he wanted to surprise me!

 **Sherlock:** Did I state the reason behind his lying? I didn't, did I?

So nothing I said was wrong.

 **Molly:** Don’t take offense at this, but I really want to slap you sometimes.

 **Sherlock:** No offense taken. You have my permission. Promise you’ll reserve it for a special occasion, when I really, really deserve it.

 **Molly:** Well I didn’t expect that reply.

Ok. Promise.

 

**“BORED”.**

**Sherlock:** Anyway. News. We’ve also found information regarding the woman Sienna was told to kill, her refusal to do which is what caused the tattoo cult to want to go blue with her.

 **John:** Yeah but besides that, there’s not much more. These tattoo people speak in a weird code. Of course, luckily Sherlock was able to decipher most of it. Which made the entire team Lestrade brought gape at him as he was explaining why and how he knew exactly what Sienna’s back-and-forth texting meant.

 **Lestrade:** Now they know two things about him - that he speaks to a “John” who isn’t really there and is therefore probably insane, and that he’s pretty damn clever, when he isn’t being an irritating dick.

 **Sherlock:** Thank you, though strictly the “irritating dick” bit counts as a third thing they know about me.

 **Mycroft:** I wouldn’t be so sure about the “pretty damn clever” part. I was always the best at deciphering codes, wasn’t I, Sherlock?

 **Sherlock:** When we were kids. Then you got slow.

 **Mycroft:** No I didn’t.

 **Sherlock:** You did, and now it’s time for the phone Sienna uses for friends, so shut up.  
_…_  
_…_  
…  
John is now going to admit something to all of you, for posterity’s sake. Go ahead, John.

 **Mycroft:** What?

 **John:** Ugh. Fine. Sherlock can deduce passwords sometimes. That’s it.

 **Sherlock:** I told you to say “most of the time”! I told him to say “most of the time”.

 **Mycroft:** What was it, then? The password of the second phone?

 **Sherlock:** Anna.

 **John:** The name of the woman the tattoo cult wanted dead.

 **Sherlock:** That’s not the important part. The important part is that it’s the name of the woman Sienna Hayes didn’t want to kill. And, according to her messages, she didn’t want Anna to die at all. That means her refusal wasn’t a question of anything but affection towards her. Someone that important to her whose name happens to be comprised of four letters… That’s the kind of password you would choose for a phone so close to your heart.

 **Lestrade:** All this password talk makes me wonder what’s your password for your phone, Sherlock. Must be the ultimate password.

 **Mycroft:** It is not “John”. I have tried that before.

 **John:** What about “John” says “ultimate password”? Thought you were the clever brother.

 **Mycroft:** Yes, that’s the thing. I am. He is not.

 **Sherlock:** For half a second I was almost surprised you’d tried to unlock my phone at some point, but of course you have.

If you’d gotten through the four-character one, though, you would have had to make a deduction once again.

 **Lestrade:** Yeah, I’ve seen you go through your two passwords at the speed of light.

 **Sherlock:** The second one isn’t a password. It’s a pattern.

 **Lestrade:** See? Speed of light. I didn’t even realize that.

 **Sherlock:** Because you see but you don’t observe.

 **John:** Seriously, no. Why on earth would his password be John?

 **Mycroft:** Why, for the same reason Hayes’ was “Anna” and Adler’s was... “Sher”. But of course, my brother prides himself in not being so open and obvious regarding his heart; at least he still has that going for him.

 **John:** I don’t think his password has anything to do with another human being, anyway. And if it did it wouldn’t be me, don’t be stupid.

 **Mycroft:** I am _never_ stupid.

 **Sherlock:** Good news, I’ve found information more relevant than the conversation you’re having, so you can shut up now.

Conversations with Anna. Lots of heart emojis. They arranged dates all the time. It’s good to know you can find balance between romance and the criminal lifestyle. Seriously, that’s a date nearly every single day. They remind me of Lestrade and Molly.

 **Lestrade:** Except when a certain dick butts in, yeah we do have a date nearly every day.

 **Mycroft:** These people ordered Hayes to kill her own girlfriend, then? What for?

 **Sherlock:** That’s what I was expecting you to help me find out.

There’s barely any information about her here and no last name anywhere. But here, brother, in case her face rings a bell. _*sends picture*_

 **Mycroft:** Terrible quality, but I guess there will be something to be done with it. I will see what we can find.

 **Sherlock:** I’ll ask for my network’s help too.

 **Mycroft:** You want our networks to... compete again?

 **Sherlock:** Not at all, we already know mine is faster in roughly a 99.3% of cases.

 **John:** By your network, Sherlock, you mean the homeless network?

 **Sherlock:** Yes. Faster than the British government, who would’ve thought?

 **Mycroft:** You, I’m sure.

And what about the third phone?

 **Sherlock:** Not password protected.

 **Mycroft:** Fortunately for you! I doubt you would have been so lucky twice in a row.

 **Sherlock:** Give me a minute to take a look at it.

_…_

Minute over. Nothing of relevance. A history of calls made to unregistered numbers. No SMS, she might have deleted them.

Lestrade’s in a hurry to get to his date, so that’s it for today. We’re leaving.

 **Mycroft:** He does have a date, then?

 **Lestrade:** Why the hell do you care?

 **Mycroft:** I do not.

 **Lestrade:** Good. Keep not caring, and do a better job of it.

 **Mycroft:** Feeling grumpy, Detective Inspector?

 **Sherlock:** John, I know you’ve read that: we’re leaving. Where are you anyway?

 **John:** Upstairs. Come see.

_…_

_..._

**Mycroft:** Well?

 **Sherlock:** Well what?

 **Mycroft:** What is it that was upstairs?

 **Sherlock:** You’re very eager to know everything we’re doing today, Mycroft. I’m almost experiencing something that resembles a slight worry. Are you seriously that bored?

 **Mycroft:** I am currently on a plane to Vienna and the most fun thing I have at my disposition is an assortment of sudokus. Yes, I am bored. Isn’t this what this group chat is for? Hence the name?

 **Sherlock:** This group is about my boredom, not yours. A dentist appointment and then a trip to Vienna? You’re having so much fun lately. And all I’m doing today is solve crimes.

 **John:** Also, there’s really nothing upstairs, apparently. I thought it was important but Sherlock yelled out “Irrelevant!” the moment he stepped in the room.

 **Mycroft:** Not faster.

 **John:** What?

 **Mycroft:** Your homeless network, Sherlock.

It is not faster.

99.3% of cases, huh? This will make the percentage go down.

I have sent you the information I have on Anna Westbay. And you can almost hear that same name again, can’t you?

Moriarty.

 **Lestrade:** Moriarty?

 **John:** That’s who wanted her dead? Moriarty?

 **Mycroft:** Yes. And even though Hayes refused to do that work for him, the rest of the forehead tattoo club felt happy to oblige.

The story ends with two women who loved each other dead. Certainly makes one wonder what good moral principles are.

All caring does is get you the worst possible fate, isn’t that right? From your password to your life, it makes everything weaker and subject to breakage.

…

Well, if none of you will say anything, I’d rather go back to my sudokus.

 

**“Molly Hooper Morgue”.**

_Status: Online._

**Molly:** Hope I’m not bothering you by chatting on here, but… wasn’t it unbearable?

 **Sherlock:** What was?

 **Molly:** Growing up with Mycroft. Did the “caring is a weakness” spiel come up often?

 **Sherlock:** Quite often.

But he’s right.

 **Molly:** Oh, if you think so

_..._

If you ever want to talk to someone that doesn’t always have the same awful things to say about feelings and caring and whatnot, I’m here.

 **Sherlock:** Why would I want to “talk”?

 **Molly:** Last year one time you spent ten minutes complaining to me that John was going to his sister’s for Christmas because you wanted him to stay.

It’s almost the same thing, except you let me respond and try to make you feel better. It’s a thing friends do for each other.

 **Sherlock:** I never said I wanted him to stay.

 **Molly:** Why else would you complain?

Come on, Sherlock.

_..._

You know things about feelings.

You understand why Anna was so important.

You can’t always pretend you don’t, isn’t it tiring? To do that all the time?

_..._

It’s ok. I see you’re taking a while to finish typing, but it’s ok, you don’t have to reply.

Just think about it.

 

* * *

 

 

**“BORED”.**

**Molly:** Everybody look at this necklace Greg gave me! _*sends picture*_

I know I know, I’m showing off, but everyone here already does that, so I suppose it’s ok if I do as well!

 **John:** Yeah, Molly, you go. Nice present!

 **Molly:** Isn’t it beautiful? Made time to buy it for me… Even set a reminder on his phone.

Oh and we went to a nice restaurant too! We’re back home now.

I mean at my place. Not “home”. We don’t have a “home” place. Haha.

But I think we’re watching some films later. Don’t really feel like going to bed.

 **Lestrade:** Me either ;)

 **Mycroft:** Well, well, that necklace tells you all you need to know (or deduce) about how that man couldn’t have possibly been thinking of cheating.

 **Molly:** Oh does it?

 **Mycroft:** Of course yes.

I mean, I knew all along that it couldn’t be possible, this is just a fun observation.

 **John:** Oh, so instead of pointing out how “obvious” it was that Greg couldn’t have been cheating, you just said “this should be funny”.

 **Mycroft:** If you lot actually thought my brother’s deductions even had the _potential_ of being a source of conflict then, obviously, the situation was funny.

Come on, now. Does D.I. Gregory Lestrade really strike you as the kind of person to be juggling several flings? He can barely keep up with one. Look at him, already head over heels for you, Molly Hooper. He reeks of hopeless romance. He flirts with you in a group chat. A group chat.

 **Lestrade:** Mycroft, man, take a break. Nothing you say is ever not weird, at least slightly. Solve some sudokus.

 **Sherlock:** D.I. what now? Gregory? GREGORY Lestrade? That’s your name?

 **John:** Sherlock, I don’t know how to tell you this… Greg can be a diminutive. I understand how shocking it is. Feel free to take your time to really take it in.

 **Sherlock:** I just didn't think it could get _worse_ than Greg.

 **Molly:** Just for the record, I’m totally okay with you being head over heels for me, Greg.

 **Lestrade:** Good to know. I was thinking of toning it down.

 **Molly:** Well, don’t.

Also… Stop insulting his name, Sherlock!

 **Lestrade:** He’s doing it because he used to be the one whose name they made fun of back at school I bet.

 **John:** Oh, no. Apparently, Sherlock has three names. Three! And he chose to go by Sherlock.

 **Sherlock:** John, I revealed the amount of names I have to you in confidence.

 **Lestrade:** A weirdo by choice, of course yes.

 **Mycroft:** The teasing regarding his name(s) was far from the worst part of his childhood.

 **Sherlock:** Yes, thanks for noting that.

Now that everything is solved. John, do you think you might want to correct yourself on your statement that I was being a dick?

 **John:** Uh… Not really. Sorry.

 **Sherlock:** That's not FAIR! I didn't do anything wrong. And as I told Molly, all my deductions were technically right.

 **John:** Molly, Greg, enjoy the rest of your date.

 **Sherlock:** Oh, ignoring me. Good.

 **Molly:** Enjoy yours!

 **Lestrade:** Yeah, enjoy yours, ladies man.

 **Sherlock:** Oh. Emma. I’d forgotten he had a date.

 **John:** “Ladies man”? come on. Again, I didn't even really flirt with her.

 **Lestrade:** Well, I rest my case. You don't even have to try.

God, I would have hated you in uni.

 **Mycroft:** I would have hated all of you.

 **Molly:** Yes, that was a given, wasn't it?

Well, the first film in our binge-watch list is about to start. Talk later!

 **John:** Sure, bye. Gonna be watching a film too!

 **Mycroft:** Ah, yes; films that are mentally easy to digest and romance, or how to empty your own brain of anything worthwhile before turning eighty. Have fun, all of you.

 

* * *

 

 

 **Sherlock:** Bored.

 **Mycroft:** I see this group is indeed about your boredom.

 **Sherlock:** Have you run out of sudokus?

 **Mycroft:** Unfortunately. What about you? What bores you?

 **Sherlock:** The absence of entertainment, perhaps?

 **Mycroft:** I see... All your pals are currently on a date while you are on your own.

Isn't that sort of your life in a nutshell?

 **Sherlock:** Hmm. I would say it’s yours, except that you don't have any pals at all.

I must admit, though, that funnily, if your definition of “my pals” is not limited to this group chat, I’m about 74% positive that Mrs. Hudson is on a date, too, so your statement is very accurate.

 **John:** Really? Who with, the old man with the huge moustache?

 **Sherlock:** That’s the one. How observant, John.

 **John:** Surprised?

 **Sherlock:** Pleasantly.  
_…_

You took your gun.

John. To a date? You took your gun to a date? I knew your last two girlfriends/potential girlfriends made you wary of the whole dating thing, but I didn’t think you’d be so paranoid.

 **John:** You were looking for it. Thinking of shooting the wall again?

 **Sherlock:** Well, we’re not having visits and Mrs. Hudson is out, so… Maybe.

 **John:** She’s out and she took your gun again, didn’t she?

 **Sherlock:** Yes. I don’t know why she does it.

 **John:** I have a faint idea.

 **Sherlock:** What film are you going to watch with Emma?

 **John:** Oh, no. Don’t.

 **Sherlock:** Don’t what?

 **John:** Don’t do that. You haven’t cared at all until now. You’re asking because you want to sneak in the cinema and sit right behind us and probably steal our popcorn and point out the logical flaws in the plot during the whole film.

 **Sherlock:** I wouldn’t steal your popcorn. You get the _sweet_ kind. It’s disgusting.

 **Lestrade:** He does that? Just sneak in while you’re having a date?

 **John:** He has been known to.

 **Sherlock:** That was ONCE, the reason I did it was a case, and I got you the theatre tickets, so I had a right to tag along.

Also, Lestrade, you shouldn’t check your phone while watching a film with your date. Apparently, it’s rude.

 **John:** He knows because he would do it all the time two weeks ago when we were watching James Bond films and I told him to stop.

 **Sherlock:** They were boring. And I can multitask.

 **John:** You really, _really_ can’t.

 **Lestrade:** Ah, of course, where else would his knowledge about dating etiquette come from other than his dates with you?

 **Molly:** Greg, Sherlock’s right. It’s rude. I see you. Get off your phone.

 **John:** Thank you, Molly.

_…_

**Sherlock:** I’m going to cook.

 **John:** What? Cook?

As in food?

 **Sherlock:** Mrs. Hudson is out, so are you, and all the phone numbers I have of food delivery chains are the ones who refuse to deliver here. Besides, lately you’ve been saying something about how I should nourish my body more often.

 **John:** Well it's already twice you've looked like you were close to fainting. You only seem to eat when we eat together.

 **Sherlock:** Yes, well, anyway. For the aforementioned reasons, I’m going to cook my own dinner.

 **John:** You’re just trying to get me to go home, aren’t you? It’s the same thing you did when I was at Lena’s place. You told me the microwave had exploded.

 **Sherlock:** That was a lie. This is true. I’m going to cook.

 **Mycroft:** Which means the microwave may well explode.

 **John:** You’re being serious, Sherlock? About the cooking.

 **Sherlock:** Yes.

 **John:** You're not cooking human thumbs. You're cooking actual food.

 **Sherlock:** Very subjective wording. Thumbs would be “actual food” for a cannibal.

 **John:** Yeah, well, I sure hope that's not what you are, or I'll have to start being scared of living with you. Now. At this point of our life.

I meant my life. Our lives?

 **Sherlock:** If you weren't already scared of living with me, you weren't paying attention.

 **John:** Okay, well. If you're going to do actual cooking, look up an actual recipe instead of... improvising because you're so clever that surely you can deduce the logical process of the recipe. Check the expiration dates this time, for God’s sake. And do NOT burn the flat down.

 **Sherlock:** Yeeeeeeah, whateeeeeever, I’ll be good, mum.

 **Mycroft:** You once really said that to Mum and then proceeded to spill mysterious green goo all over the walls of her and Dad’s bedroom.

 **Sherlock:** I was nine.

 **Mycroft:** That’s the worrying problem; one, you were much too old for those little devilries; two, you haven’t changed that much.

 **John:** Okay, if you spill mysterious goo, don’t do it in my room. If you do spill mysterious goo in my room, be warned, I’ll take yours.

 **Sherlock:** Well, I refuse to take yours. Too many stairs between it and everywhere.

 **Mycroft:** It’s okay, children, you’d just have to learn to share.

 **John:** I see Emma. It’s rude to text while watching a film, so that’s a goodbye for now. See you when I get home, Sherlock, if the flat is still there.

 

* * *

 

 

 

 **John** ’s phone.

_Saturday morning except guess what? Only technically, it’s like 1 a.m._

**John:** The flat was in fact still there when I got home. In case anyone was itching to know. The kitchen is another thing entirely, but I didn’t want to look at it for too long. I’m too tired for that.

 **Molly:** Oh hi John! I think it’s only the two of us who are up so late.

Well, I can bet on Greg, because he’s asleep by my side. Don’t know about the rest.

 **John:** It is late. Films really make one lose track of time.

 **Molly:** That’s for sure!

 **John:** I’m assuming Sherlock is asleep. Not that I’m going to go into his room and check. But he’s nowhere to be seen. And he always says something when someone gets home, unless he’s really, really focused on something.

 **Molly:** Toby always says hello to me when I get home, but in a kind of way that seems like he’s trying to pretend he isn’t happy to see me. He’ll rub against my leg like “You’re here!”, and immediately go away and not even look at me for three hours, as if trying to say “Not that I really care, you boring human”.

Sorry. For some reason I thought that would be relevant to the conversation. Maybe it’s because of how late it is. I’m a tad tired too.

 **John:** Oh, no, it’s surprisingly relevant. It reminds me of Sherlock.

 **Molly:** Hahaha, makes sense… But Toby is much cuter. It’s weird to compare Sherlock to something so adorable.

 **John:** Yeah. Well.

Sherlock doesn’t have whiskers.

He does shed hair everywhere, though.

 **Molly:** Hahahaha, do you just find lustrous black curls all over the coach?

 **John:** “Lustrous black curls”, really?

 **Molly:** Ok, fine, no subjective adjective. Just black curls.

_…_

**John:** He’s bought a blender!!

 **Molly:** A blender?

Oh a new blender? After the last one couldn’t stand the dead rat??

 **John:** Yes!

First he makes food, and now this? What’s going on?

 **Molly:** Sherlock Holmes and the mystery of why he’s being a nice, normal roommate?

 **John:** Yes, thank you for providing a title for my next blog post.

_…_

**John:** Oh my God.

 **Molly:** What?

 **John:** The food Sherlock made.

There was still some of it left, I heated it up.

 **Molly:** Oh, no.

Are you ok?

 **John:** No, no.

I mean yeah, I am.

It's... delicious. Genuinely good food.

 **Molly:** Oh, really?

 **John:** Really. He might be a good cook in addition to… everything else he's good at.

I suppose it's a matter of being careful and accurate. Like mixing chemical ingredients… without the toxicity (hopefully).

 **Molly:** Well, Sherlock has to invite us round for dinner sometime! Forget Mrs. Hudson's invitation, HE should make dinner for all of us

 **John:** Then Mrs. H. would have the chance to take a break, wouldn't she?

This is seriously good. It's great. Sherlock, when you read this, well done.

 **Molly:** You're making me jealous. Greg and I had dinner at the restaurant but suddenly I’m hungry.

By the way… How did your date go?

 **John:** Oh. I don’t know. I’m not convinced. I don’t exactly feel at ease around her.

 **Molly:** Yeah, no joking, you took a gun to your date.

 **John:** On that topic... she noticed.

 **Molly:** She did?! Oh, John.

 **John:** She sort of rubbed her hand against my pocket accidentally and noticed the gun, and I could see in her face that she was a bit freaked out for the rest of the night.

A part of me was expecting a “Just happy to see me?” joke but I don’t think she’s the humorous kind.

 **Molly:** Oh, well. Look at the bright side of it. You wouldn’t want to date a girl who’s not very humorous, anyway.

 **John:** I wasn’t thinking about dating her, anyway. As I said, I wasn’t the one who was flirting. My mind was in a different place.

 

 

**“Molly”.**

_Status: Online._

**Molly:** We’re kind of the same, you and I, right?

 **John:** Huh?

 **Molly:** Hi, yes, sorry, I didn’t want to say this on the group chat because everyone already overshares there enough.

 **John:** You’re right.

What did you mean?

 **Molly:** Oh! I meant, I suppose that maybe we’re both… insecure because of past experiences.

There’s you with your last girlfriends or potential girlfriends, and there’s me with Sherlock and Jim.

I wouldn’t call Sherlock a potential boyfriend, of course.

 **John:** Right.

 **Molly:** It’s hard to feel at ease dating after being touched by certain people.

 **John:** Maybe you’re right.

 **Molly:** Also we both seem to have a thing for people who bring us trouble and are related to crime.

 **John:** You’re definitely right.

 **Molly:** And it’s all Sherlock’s fault! haha… That sounded mean.

I really wanted to believe him… I mean as he said, his deductions were technically right, but you know what I mean.

 **John:** Don’t take Sherlock too seriously. That’s what makes him so confident. He’s dangerous when he’s confident.

 **Molly:** So, always?

 **John:** Not always.

You know, he once was convinced he had seen a magical giant dog with glowing eyes running around. I thought he was going mental.

 **Molly:** I think I would have liked to see that haha

 **John:** You should have seen it. He was terrified. His hands were shaking. For a while, his whole world shattered. Something impossible was happening and he couldn’t rely on cold hard facts anymore.

He even admitted to be out of control. He admitted it, he admitted he was afraid.

 **Molly:** Seriously?

 **John:** Yep. And then he made a wrong deduction! About drugs in the sugar. That was an enjoyable case.

Well, no, not really. I got drugged and had a terrible experience that involved hallucinations.

But the landscapes were pretty.

 **Molly:** I’m not sure I follow…

 **John:** Nevermind all that. My point is... he doesn’t even want me to put the unsolved cases up on the blog. But it doesn’t mean he’s all-powerful.

 **Molly:** I know, I know… half of it is a facade.

But he always takes control of the situation, doesn’t he?

 **John:** He definitely didn’t when you left that speech in the chat.

 **Molly:** Oh no, I don’t want to make a trend out of my "speeches". Are they annoying?

 **John:** Feel free to make a trend out of them. It even shuts Mycroft up. 

And it definitely stopped Sherlock from taking control.

 **Molly:** Thank you, but Sherlock is Sherlock...

He messes everything up. In my head I mean. You always have to expect him to be a step ahead of you, and he’s so difficult to understand and he’s like… a storm that breaks your walls down.

Or mine. Maybe just mine. Just mine, right?

 **John:** Don’t worry, I get exactly what you’re saying.

 **Molly:** But I’m trying to get over him. I don’t mean I don’t like Greg, I do, I really like him. And I must say, he’s related to crime too… I don’t know about him bringing me trouble yet, but who knows.

 **John:** At least he’s not a sociopath.

 **Molly:** True.

Anyway, I like him.

Sometimes you try dating people even though you... kind of... like someone else. 

Don't tell him that.

 **John:** I understand that too. Don't worry, really.

Good decision, in any case, getting over him. Sherlock. Wouldn’t recommend him to you as a boyfriend. Wouldn’t recommend him in general, but also not to you, specifically.

 **Molly:** Not really, right?

You know, it’s nice to have met some friends thanks to Sherlock

 **John:** And some more than friends?

 **Molly:** … Yes.

 **John:** Yeah, it’s nice. It can’t all be murder and pretentious speeches.

 **Molly:** Oh come on, you love his pretentious speeches the most.

 **John:** I don’t!

Only some.

 **Molly:** Haha

_..._

**John:** I was actually thinking about asking you something that I've been thinking about, for some reason.

 **Molly:** And you're not? 

Thinking about it anymore? 

 **John:** Don't know. 

It was about Sherlock. 

 **Molly:** Oh?

 **John:** Not _about_ Sherlock.

Well, sort of.

I thought about it after a conversation with Sherlock.

Well no, it was about Sherlock.

It was something really stupid, but you're the only person I could think to ask. 

 **Molly:** Alright then. Seems like I should start charging for this, haha.

 **John:** What?

 **Molly:** Nothing, nevermind. Go ahead and ask then.

 **John:** No, it was nothing, really.

 **Molly:** Well you can't back down now! 

 **John:** It was nothing. 

 **Molly:** But now I'm curious!

 **John:** It was really, really stupid.

About his cheekbones and his coat collar.

 **Molly:** Who, Sherlock’s?

 **John:** Yes.

 **Molly:** The two redeeming qualities for his terrible personality.

Kidding, haha. What was the question, though?

 **John:** No, nothing.

I was wondering whether it was normal.

 **Molly:** Whether what was normal? How sharp his cheekbones are?

 **John:** But you like him, after all. Getting over him... Present continuous. Not the best to ask. Not that there's anyone else.

Sorry for bothering you. I should go to bed. I really am tired.

 **Molly:** I… have no idea what you've just said, and I still don't know what the question was.

But I'm going to sleep too.

Good night!

I hope there's no green goo on your bedroom walls!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yesterday was my birthday, thanks for all the comments on part one, they were great presents lol


	17. Oh, no, not the chewing gum!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The case continues, John might be a tad nervous for some reason, Sherlock knows a lot about cologne and we find out who has the best hair in the group chat (shocking!).

**Sherlock** ’s phone.

_ Next day (properly Saturday) _

 

**Molly:** Good morning!!

**Lestrade:** Good morning. “Lustrous black curls”, Molly?

**Molly:** Oh shut up! I should’ve deleted that message.

**Mycroft:** Good morning. Feeling jealous, D.I.? You do lack the lustrous black curls that your partner is so keen on.

**Lestrade:** At least I’m not bloody balding, don’t act like I haven’t seen you in person.

**Molly:** Greg’s hair is lustrous too

**Mycroft:** I may be balding, but you are greying.

**Molly:** Now you don’t only have this kind of fights with Sherlock?

**Lestrade:** I won’t allow there to be a debate around hair when we all know I win.

Ok, fine, Sherlock wins. 

But after him it’s me.

**John:** Uh… Morning.

**Molly:** Hi, John! We’re here, having a grown adult conversation.

**Lestrade:** Hey, John. Looks like you two had a fun chat while I was sleeping! 

Not you and Myke. You and Molly.

**John:** Yes. An interesting conversation. 

And don’t say a word.

**Mycroft:** “Myke”, again? Can you not at least spell it with an “i”? This spelling is ridiculous.

**Lestrade:** More ridiculous than “Mycroft”?!?

Also, wait. What? Don’t say a word about what?

**John:** About my date. Shut up.

**Lestrade:** You’re telling me to shut up before I say anything? Who are you now, Sherlock?

**John:** Reasonable preventive measure, don’t you think?

**Lestrade:** But useless. I’m unstoppable. Especially now that you’ve even mentioned your date in the first place. 

**John:** God.

**Lestrade:** Just a question.  _ Were you  _ happy to see Emma? I mean, setting the gun aside.

**John:** Stop.

**Lestrade:** Actually I have a second question. Was she from one of the continents your experience doesn’t extend over?

**John:** Why did my university years happen at all.

**Molly:** Just to be clear, John,  _ you _ said that “three continents” thing about yourself?

**John:** God. What kind of a torture chamber is this chat? Yes. Yes, I did.

**Molly:** Ok, just checking.

**John:** Checking what?

**Molly:** Checking to see if you deserve all the teasing about it… You definitely do.

**Sherlock:** If I absolutely  _ must _ adapt to what is socially understood as a polite greeting, I’ll do the same thing as John and just say “Morning”, without any qualifying adjectives. Morning.

**Mycroft:** You are usually faster than this, Sherlock. I had the impression that you were always on your phone in the mornings.

**Sherlock:** Been busy. Case.

**John:** What a liar, he’s been busy this morning for another reason.

Aaaand he’s just loudly said “John, no” to me from the kitchen.

**Lestrade:** What other reason?

_ … _

**Molly:** Should we take this silence as John and Sherlock fighting over John’s phone?

**Mycroft:** Based on my experience with them, yes.

**John:** He’s been cleaning the kitchen because I made him. You know, after the mess he left behind yesterday. I couldn’t let poor Mrs. Hudson do all of that. She’s not our housekeeper. 

**Molly:** And even if she were… 

**Lestrade:** Oh yeah, by the way, Sherlock. When do you say you’re inviting us over and making dinner for us?

**Sherlock:** When I’m dead. Making it for John is one thing, but I have limits. Standards. That sort of thing.

**John:** You didn’t make dinner for me, though?

**Molly:** He just said he did, didn’t he?

**John:** Well, yes. I guess. But… He doesn’t make dinner for people.

**Molly:** My understanding was that until last night he didn’t even make dinner for himself

**Mycroft:** Your understanding is right, Molly Hooper.

**John:** Admittedly good point.

**Lestrade:** God, John, Sherlock could propose to you and you’d be saying “you’re not proposing, though, are you?”

**Sherlock:** John, sweet popcorn is a very unsatisfactory dinner and, again, Mrs. Hudson was out.

**John:** This is why I like you.

Sometimes you do actually thoughtful things. 

I mean I like you as a roommate. 

Because you do thoughtful things. 

**Sherlock:** You’ve said that already. 

**John:** Yes. Okay. 

**Sherlock:** Thank you for complimenting my dinner, though.

Interesting chat, the one you two had last night.

**John:** Interesting why? We said nothing interesting. 

Did we? 

I just went back to check and we didn’t say much of interest. 

So, what do you mean?

**Sherlock:** Oh, no, the two of you just compared me to a cat in a sleep-deprived delirium and said you’d expected your date to make a “Just happy to see me?” kind of joke, which, honestly, is just a rip off of  _ my  _ joke, and I must add, a life-or-death situation is a much more exciting context in which to use that joke. 

**Molly:** If comparing you to a cat qualifies as a “sleep-deprived delirium”, Sherlock… You say much weirder things. 

**Sherlock:** But I’m me. It’s a thing I do.

**Lestrade:** Fair.

**John:** Oh. That damn joke. In the swimming pool. 

You know, I didn’t find being strapped to a bomb very exciting. Was too busy worrying about my life to find your joke funny. 

**Sherlock:** Liar. That’s exactly the kind of thing you find exciting. And the kind of thing you find funny.

**John:** Arsehole. 

**Sherlock:** Fair.

Actually, comparing me to a cat was good. Cats are alright. They’re quite good. Actually.

**Lestrade:** The word you’re looking for is quite “cute”, isn’t it Sherlock?

**Molly:** Don’t tease him for saying the word “cute” or he’ll never say it again!

**Mycroft:** You do have a preference for dogs, though, don’t you, brother?

**Sherlock:** You know what? Yes. Sure. They’re lively. Cheerful. Social.

**John:** Ha, and since when do you like those traits particularly?

**Mycroft:** Well… he likes you. 

**Sherlock:** Reliable and loyal. Rather fearless. Good at sniffing. 

**Mycroft:** If you are good at sniffing, doctor Watson, the analogy still holds true.

**John:** Not really. He’s the one who can tell which of 54+ brands of perfume someone’s wearing by taking a whiff.

**Sherlock:** Yes, speaking of that. I didn’t mention it - one of the reasons why I could tell Lestrade had a date yesterday night was his cologne. 

**Lestrade:** Oh, nice. So you not only check me out, but you also smell me. I have a girlfriend, you know.

**Molly:** That sentence sounds so nice

**Sherlock:** You're not my type, Inspector. 

But much more relevant is your cologne, John.

**Lestrade:** Yeah, I see who your type is.

**John:** My cologne?

**Sherlock:** You have a total of three. One of them is the one you never wear that Harry gave you as a birthday present; to be fair it does smell weird, tried it once. The other one is your regular, everyday cologne. And then there’s the nicest one, a qualificative which you must agree with me on, since it’s the cologne you wear to your dates. 

**John:** Did you go into my bedroom one day and just... tried my colognes?

**Sherlock:** No. I smelled two of them and tried the third one, the one I wasn’t familiar with. Bad decision.

My point being, you’re wearing your date cologne today. 

**John:** Oh. 

**Sherlock:** I know. Seeing Emma today, then?

**John:** No I’m not. You can probably deduce it by reading last night’s chat though. Chat or sleep-deprived delirium, whichever term you prefer. 

I didn’t really think about my cologne, doesn’t mean anything.

**Sherlock:** Oh, come on, you know exactly which is which. You always leave them arranged in the same way. I moved them slightly once, as an experiment, and the next day there they were, in the same disposition as always, even the one you don’t wear. You like order much more than I do. Though maybe your tidiness only goes outwards, because your mind does seem like quite a mess. Regardless of that, it is clear that you choose them consciously every time.

**John:** Maybe this time I chose it unconsciously?

**Sherlock:** Hm, maybe it’s not Emma but someone else.

**John:** Maybe it is. Look, I’m leaving for work now, so don’t text me unless you get kidnapped again.

**Sherlock:** That can’t be the only possible scenario, give me some wiggle room.

**John:** Fine. You can text me if your life is threatened in any way. 

Or if my life is. You normally pick up on it before I do.

**Sherlock:** Acceptable. 

**Lestrade:** Great, then. Have a nice day everybody.

**Sherlock:** Also, just for the record. 

I win, but you don’t go after me, Lestrade. That would be John. 

**Molly:** Oh my God, are you talking about the hair debate?!

**Sherlock:** Not a debate anymore, I closed it. You’re welcome.

  
  
  


* * *

 

  
  


**Molly:** Hi! Anyone there?

_ … _

**Lestrade:** I’m here. How are you doing?

**Molly:** Pretty good! Ah, I’ve spent all day fiddling with the necklace you bought me. I love it.

**Lestrade:** So you  _ are _ wearing it today.

**Molly:** Of course I am!

**Sherlock:** I’m here only if you change the topic.

**Molly:** Hi, Sherlock. Making advances?

**Sherlock:** You could say so. Bored right now, though. I’ve been taking a walk.

**Molly:** Oh, nice!

**Sherlock:** I’m currently in a rubbish bin. 

**Molly:** A rubbish bin?? 

**Sherlock:** Molly, the day we met I requested you let me bring a riding crop into the morgue to beat up some corpses. It’s unbelievable that you’re still surprised by this sort of thing. Do as John does and try to keep up.

**Molly:** Deep inside I knew you couldn’t just be taking a walk. I knew.

**Lestrade:** You’re  _ in  _ a rubbish bin? Right now? Texting? 

**Sherlock:** Yes, Lestrade. Impressive reading comprehension, have you been taking extra lessons? 

**Lestrade:** Are you camouflaging among the rubbish, then? Having fun with your kind?

**Sherlock:** Not a lot for now. 

**Molly:** That’s mean, Greg!

**Lestrade:** Don’t I get to be mean a couple of times a week at least?

**Molly:** Only a couple!

**Lestrade:** Also since I’m here, there’s news for Sherlock - we've found out that pretty much everything he deduced at Sienna Hayes’s house checks out. She did spend the day in Stratford the day before she died, and you were right about her dead parents, the gym she went to and… We don’t have proof for this, but probably also the fact that she had had a fight with a man in her hallway. If that man is the way you described him, we may find him among the list of new faces we’re investigating. 

**Sherlock:** He is. You’ll see. 

**Lestrade:** My men are working on that -  _ I _ have just caught a gang of robbers, so I'm taking a very much deserved coffee break.

**Molly:** Well done, Detective Inspector! Wish I could be having that coffee with you.

**Lestrade:** Soon. 

**Sherlock:** That sounds like a threat. “Soon.”

**Lestrade:** Soon. :) 

Better?

**Molly:** Actually yeah, better!

**Sherlock:** No.

**Lestrade:** Good thing it’s not you I’m dating, then, Sherlock. 

**Sherlock:** Yes, that’s definitely better for all of us.

I sometimes question how well deserved those coffee breaks are, by the way.

**Lestrade:** Offensive! I led the operation and caugh the robbers in the spot! See, Molly? He’s mean whenever he wants to.

**Sherlock:** Don’t be so childish. 

**Lestrade:** “... said Sherlock Holmes”. And that’s the punchline. 

Joking about it being “offensive”, by the way, in case you start feeling good about yourself. 

**Mycroft:** God save us from that.

**Sherlock:** Hello, Mycroft, thank you for such a lovely interruption.

**Mycroft:** You two  _ are  _ being awfully childish, by the way. Both of you.

**Lestrade:** Disregarding Myke… The house where all the robbers were was ridiculous, by the way

**Molly:** Ridiculous how?

**Lestrade:** So full of all the stuff they had stolen that it was outrageously obvious. I wonder what their visits thought of that. 

**Molly:** Outrageously obvious?

**Lestrade:** Their decoration included three original paintings and a mannequin sporting a Gucci coat, and that was only the living room. I wish I was making it up. 

Oh, the mannequin was stolen, too.

**Sherlock:** Of course. Of course yes.

**Molly:** Of course the mannequin was stolen too? 

**Sherlock:** Outrageously obvious, that's what it was! I should have seen it right away. What the hell is happening to my brain? 

**Lestrade:** Well, my personal opinion is that you've been going insane for years, but you never listen when I say that.

**Sherlock:** Oh, Lestrade, you are another excellent conductor of light. 

John is unbeatable, of course, but you are a good one. 

John. 

John!

**Molly:** What are you talking about, Sherlock?

**Sherlock:** I hope he wasn’t lying about not seeing Emma today. 

**Molly:** He really seemed not to be interested, judging by yesterday’s conversation… Trust me

**Lestrade:** Sherlock, are you going to explain anything you’re saying?

**Sherlock:** John, you told me not to text you directly unless any of our lives is at risk, so I’m not. But since you’re not here, I’ll be checking the jacket you took to your date for you. Be sure to check your wallet whenever you read this, even though I don’t think that’s the kind of thing she’s after.

**Molly:** You’ll be checking… his jacket?

**Sherlock:** Oh, and his trousers. 

**Lestrade:** That isn’t really an explanation, Sherlock.

**Sherlock:** As his colognes exemplify, John is a creature of habit. It’s rare for him to take anything to a date, or anywhere else, that he usually wouldn’t - the exception being the occasional gun when he is distrustful of his date, apparently. He has obviously taken his phone, wallet and keys to work. The rest of things he would have had in his pockets during the date should still be there, though. 

**Lestrade:** Yeah, still not an explanation.

**Sherlock:** You two are slow. Here’s the explanation: she’s a kleptomaniac. Probably. I'm usually good at diagnoses. Let's just say she likes stealing things, though.

**Molly:** Who likes stealing things?

**Sherlock:** Emma! Who else? 

Those were the thoughts I had on her. The ones I didn’t have enough information to make anything of yet. I wasn’t able to identify what was so interesting about her flat when I visited it yesterday; it was, of course, outrageously obvious, as you, Lestrade, have indirectly pointed out. Stolen objects. Stolen objects all over. I would try to make deductions, join the dots together, and none of the possessions she displayed in her house made any sense in the end. 

Some things so strangely old, others so strangely new. Fingerprints all over some objects and incredible care given to some others, with absolutely no observable pattern. It was obvious by her books that they belonged to five different types of people… Oh, and that chair. That chair. And the scratches only a cat owner has on their furniture, but she’s allergic to cats… All those little collections! And the kitchen appliances! The kitchen appliances didn’t make any  _ sense _ for her.

**Lestrade:** Ok… We get it.

_... _

**Sherlock:** John, she stole your chewing gum.

**Lestrade:** Oh, no, not the chewing gum! A sad day for John Watson.

**Molly:** She'll steal chewing gum but not money from John's wallet? It's not that I'm not happy John didn't get his money stolen but, she needs to sort out her priorities.

**Sherlock:** Ugh, let’s forget the irrelevant. Starting to run out of time in this bin.

**Molly:** You never did clarify what you were doing in that bin… 

**Sherlock:** Here’s the relevant part. I know why Emma was getting those threats; information which you, John, failed to get when she took control of the conversation and quickly convinced you to go on a date with her.

**Molly:** You know?

**Lestrade:** And it has to do with her being a kleptomaniac? 

**Sherlock:** Yes. 

The Woman.

Emma stole something of hers. Daniel Reer was, as we know, in contact with her. He was told to use his position as a member of the tattoo cult to scare Emma enough to give it back. He did it by pretending the cult had intentions of killing her. A bit extreme, perhaps. Anyway, either Emma didn’t show us the full extent of the threats she was getting or there is a code to decipher in the ones we have seen, because it is clear that the message she was getting was to give The Woman what belonged to her.

**Lestrade:** But do you know what she stole? You speak as if you do… Could give us a hint of where Adler is.

**Sherlock:** I would like Scotland Yard to not intervene for now.

**Lestrade:** Ah, here we go again…

**Sherlock:** John, on the other hand, could be of great help. 

So, John. Whenever you are able to, we will pay Emma a visit. You can apologize for… having scared her off by bringing a gun… or whatever you would say in this situation. You obviously have your gun on you - give it to me when we meet outside her flat, we wouldn’t want you making empty apologies. 

**Lestrade:** Wonderful, John! Another chance at love.

**Mycroft:** Have I missed anything of importance, or can I scroll down all those boring texts with no remorse?

**Sherlock:** Would you risk me not being entirely under your surveillance?

**Mycroft:** Oh, how dramatic. 

And what an offensive, almost, insinuation.

**Sherlock:** Insinuation? What insinuation? 

**Mycroft:** That you're not already under my surveillance entirely.

**Molly:** Hey, Sherlock. Interesting news for you!

**Sherlock:** What is it? 

**Molly:** A shipment of a total of one blueish corpse, clearly for you.

**Sherlock:** Wonderful; send pictures! I'll drop by later. You spell it blueish? Hm. I prefer bluish. 

**Lestrade:** Just because it's bluish doesn't mean it's for Sherlock, though.

**Sherlock:** Ah, another “bluish” - Molly, you are in clear disadvantage. 

**Mycroft:** Well, Inspector, you could suppose that such a death, in a string of strange deaths, under these circumstances, is a mere coincidence, but… the universe is rarely so lazy. 

And “bluish” is clearly the preferred spelling, orthographically speaking.

**Molly:** Yeah, it's not just the body being blueish that makes it obvious though. 

Sherlock, you know how the names that were anagrams and the whole John's lesbian date thing and all the rest of things were “obvious clues” for you? 

I’d say this is more obvious, even.

Also, I still prefer blueish.

**Sherlock:** More obvious? If you’re the one saying that, it really must be obvious. Explain. 

**Molly:** Let me take a pic, one sec. 

**Sherlock:** Two is too many three-letter abbreviations that end in “c” in one sentence, Molly.

**Molly:** _*sends picture*_

**Mycroft:** Well, this is distasteful. I've JUST eaten. 

**Lestrade:** Did they  _ burn out _ the tattoo on his forehead? And did they do it with a bloody soldering iron? 

**Sherlock:** Oooh, wonderful. That's the man who consulted us pretending to be Emma’s concerned father.

**Lestrade:** Really?

**Sherlock:** Would I be saying it if it weren’t true?

**Lestrade:** Alright, well. Someone must be taking care of this case. There is no way they simply brought his body into the morgue like nothing weird happened. I'll ask around.

**Mycroft:** Oh, Detective Inspector, the things one can miss while they take a coffee break.

**Lestrade:** Is that why you take no breaks? Ever?

Sherlock, you talked to that man yesterday, didn't you? Had a chat with him, as you put it.

**Sherlock:** Yes.

**Lestrade:** I suppose you won't mind if I tell that to whoever is in charge of the investigation. It’s quite an important piece of information. 

**Sherlock:** I'll wear my best interrogation clothes.

**Mycroft:** You have “interrogation clothes” but all you wear to Buckingham Palace is a bedsheet? 

**Lestrade:** Oh now I fear the worst… Sherlock, you better not come to Scotland Yard naked…

**Sherlock:** A bedsheet isn't “naked”. 

**Mycroft:** That is only true if you consider a bedsheet to be clothing, which, if true, worries me.

**Lestrade:** If you walk into Scotland Yard wearing a bedsheet and smelling like the contents of a rubbish bin, I warn you. That will be the last straw.

Also, I'll film you.

**Mycroft:** Wouldn't that be wonderful for posterity? 

**Sherlock:** Is Vienna really that boring, brother?

**Mycroft:** Well, you know how I miss you when we are apart.

**Sherlock:** _*audio message*_

**Molly:** Great, the awaited return of… the audio of Sherlock making gagging noises. Yay!

**Sherlock:** I would LOVE to stay and chat, but I can hear the company I was expecting. Goodbye!

**Molly:** All right, good luck, then?

**Lestrade:** Honestly, I wish I could see Sherlock dramatically jumping out of a rubbish bin with banana skins on his hair to surprise whoever he was expecting. 

**Mycroft:** Wait, then. Maybe I can find CCTV of it.

**Lestrade:** Suddenly, I dislike you less.

  
  


* * *

 

  
  


**John:** Sherlock, I will not talk to Emma just because you need me to. Hi, everyone else.

**Molly:** Oh hi John.

**Sherlock:** Why not? 

**John:** Because I don't want to, because I'm busy at work, and because apparently, as you've pointed out, she's a kleptomaniac. 

Did she really steal my chewing gum? 

**Sherlock:** Yes. Sorry. It was the one you used for good breath. That's a shame for everyone.

**John:** Well, my mouth has nothing to do with you, has it? 

My breath. 

I mean that you don't really care, do you? 

Look, just do your thing and climb in through the window.

**Sherlock:** That's what I was going to do. I just need you to distract her while it happens.

**John:** What do you want me to do? Act like I am not suddenly very aware that everything in her house was stolen? Apologize to her for carrying a gun while I'm on a case that's already got me kidnapped once and you, twice? Beg her for another date? 

**Sherlock:** Precisely. In that order. You can omit the last one, though.

**John:** No.

**Sherlock:** Okay, if you insist then yes, ask her for another date. But watch your pockets and don't say I didn't warn you.

**John:** I meant I won't talk to her, Sherlock. 

**Sherlock:** Why?

**Lestrade:** Hate to interrupt, but it's Dimmock who's leading this whole dead guy investigation. Apparently they found the body really early this morning. And he wants to see you as soon as possible, Sherlock.

**Sherlock:** I don't understand Scotland Yard. The more complex a case is, the less competent those in charge of it are. Couldn’t it be you?

**Lestrade:** Wow, thanks for the compliment! Unexpected.

**Sherlock:** I'll be there in a while, but I'd like to visit the morgue first, to see the body by myself before D.I. Dimmock tries to contaminate my mind with his opinions.

**Lestrade:** Not that you ever let anyone's opinions influence you at all.

**Molly:** OK, we will be waiting for you here, Sherlock! Don’t worry, he won’t move, haha. 

That was supposed to be funny. Because he’s dead. 

No one ever likes those jokes, but I usually do a better delivery.

**Sherlock:** Certainly. Try harder next time. 

John, at least tell me you'll come see the body with me. I need my doctor on the case with me, don’t I?

**John:** Do you? 

**Sherlock:** Always. I'll also need you to make the time spent with Dimmock more tolerable. Meet me at home.

**John:** Fine. Just give me a while.

**Sherlock:** No rush. I'm not there yet myself. Might take a while, actually. Say your goodbye to your date.

**John:** I’m not on a date.

**Molly:** Just remembered. I’ve been wondering. How did the rubbish bin thing go, Sherlock?

**Sherlock:** It was suboptimal. 

**Molly:** … Is that all you’re going to say about it?

**Sherlock:** For now.

**Lestrade:** Are you two going to be breaking into this Emma girl's house then or not? 

**Sherlock:** I will. John will enter the boring way, using the door and all. No need to arrest him.

… If he agrees to talk to her, that is.

**John:** I'm thinking about it.

**Lestrade:** Just take the chance, John. She might be a kleptomaniac but a date is a date, right? Just watch your pockets, like Sherlock said.

**John:** I don’t WANT a date. 

Why are you both being so bloody insistent?

**Sherlock:** You don’t?

**Lestrade:** … I was just joking around, mate.

**John:** Why are you surprised Sherlock??

**Sherlock:** I mean, I thought the reason why you were wearing your date cologne was that you wanted a date with her, even if you wouldn't tell me. Even if it was only subconsciously; people do that sometimes.

**John:** Well, you made a wrong deduction. 

I really don’t want any more dates with women. 

I mean I don’t want any more dates with women until I’m sure everyone around me is not secretly... something. 

Something bad. 

_... _

**Sherlock:** Everyone is secretly something bad, John. No matter how much you run from it. It’s human nature. 

**Mycroft:** This strikes me as an odd moment to be philosophical, baby brother. Also, hello. Are you alright? 

**Sherlock:** What? Of course yes.

**Mycroft:** Don't lie to me. It never goes well. 

**Sherlock:** Don’t start getting dramatic now. Why wouldn’t I be alright?

**Mycroft:** I found the CCTV.

**Sherlock:** … Seriously, Mycroft? Seriously? The CCTV?

**Mycroft:** You know I’m always watching over you. 

**Sherlock:** Make a better job of it or quit it.

**Mycroft:** Just be more careful and more sensible, _ please _ . And tell your nurse to take good care of you. 

Oh, right, he’s here. Well, he’s heard me. Or read me.

**Sherlock:** He’s a doctor, not a nurse.

**John:** What are you two talking about? I don’t understand. 

**Mycroft:** Yes, classic John Watson. 

**Sherlock:** Shut up, Mycroft. Leave us alone for a while and go sightseeing, yes? I’ve heard great things about Schönbrunn Palace.

**John:** Still don’t understand. 

**Sherlock:** Just come home.

  
  


* * *

 

  
  


**Molly:** Hey, Sherlock, John, are you coming to visit our blueish friend soon? My shift is over in an hour. I know I said he wouldn’t move, but I do have to go. 

You know, being here all alone, he’ll be feeling a little blue, haha. 

A little blue, you know?

**Lestrade:** That one somehow actually made me chuckle. I don't know why. 

**Molly:** Because I'm hilarious? ;)

**Lestrade:** Oh, right, that's exactly why. Sorry, forgot for a sec.

**John:** Yeah, we’ll be there in 20 minutes, Molly, don’t worry. Sorry.

**Lestrade:** Dimmock has been waiting for Sherlock too. 

**John:** Yeah, he got a bit busy. Very busy, really. I ended up getting home earlier than him.

God, he’s an idiot, really.

**Molly:** Why do you say that? 

**John:** Okay, shall I tell the story?

**Lestrade:** Well, you’re the storyteller

**John:** I got home and waited for him a little while. Didn’t take me long to hear something… suspicious.

Hey, Greg. He might have done something slightly illegal. It probably counts as kidnapping, but…

**Lestrade:** You can’t just say something “probably counts as kidnapping”!

**John:** Okay… I’m sure it counts as kidnapping, but…

**Molly:** Um… what exactly happened?

**John:** I was waiting there and I heard some muffled voices. At first I disregarded them, then I realized they were coming from Sherlock’s room. 

So. I went into his room and there were two men tied up to his bed. Why not, this is Sherlock’s room, anything could happen.

**Lestrade:** Wow, TMI. His bedroom activities are a part of his private life.

**John:** Oh, piss off. 

**Molly:** In my non-professional opinion, that definitely counts as kidnapping. What would you say Greg?

**Lestrade:** The things I have to let slide for Sherlock…

**John:** Both of them had the forehead tattoos. That's worthy of note. 

Around two minutes later Sherlock shows up in the flat. And I was ready to yell at him, I really was. But then I saw him, pulling himself along the hallway… And his face was completely bruised, he was bleeding from his nose, from his mouth… The whole package. 

**Molly:** Oh no, is he OK??

**Lestrade:** God. He better be!

**John:** Doesn’t look like there will be long-term consequences, but he didn’t let me examine him. Barely let me look at him. 

Apparently, he got badly beat up by those two lovely gentlemen. The ones in his bedroom.

Same ones he tried to surprise by jumping out of a rubbish bin. 

**Lestrade:** That man… He's scarily good at getting into trouble. 

**Molly:** That’s what Mycroft was talking about? The CCTV?...

**John:** Looks like it. 

They look really strong, and, you know, Sherlock can't defend himself from everybody. I wish I hadn't been busy today.

Anyway. A member of his homeless network saw the fight and saved him from a few broken bones and worse. A few more managed to tie those two guys up and did Sherlock the favour of bringing them here. To his bedroom, personally, because that’s what homeless networks are for. 

**Molly:** Thank god. 

**Lestrade:** Is he really ok? Because he hasn’t replied to any of this with a single witty remark. 

**John:** He’s having a shower right now. To get rid of the rubbish bin smell and get dressed in his best interrogation clothes, he said. 

**Lestrade:** Good boy. 

… That sounds weird. 

**John:** … Yeah, it does. Don't say it ever again.

While I wait, I’m going to “have a chat” with those two. 

Probably a less gentle one than Sherlock had with the tattoo guy. The blueish dead man.

That’s alright, isn’t it? This can’t get much more illegal.

**Lestrade:** Honestly, at this point? As long as you don’t murder them, I couldn’t care less. 

Actually I do care a little. You’re a doctor, punch them where you know it hurts.

**Molly:** Yes, do that.

**John:** I was already going to. 

…

**Mycroft:** Good, doctor Watson. Good.

  
  


* * *

 

  
  
**Sherlock:** Interesting. 

**Molly:** Sherlock! Doing OK? 

What is interesting? 

**Sherlock:** John says “blueish”. Another point for your team, Molly.

**Molly:** That’s the first thing you decide to text after getting beaten up by two criminals?? 

**Sherlock:** What else would you want me to text? 

Ah, yes, this. Now that John has let go of me, Molly, we’re finally on our way there.

**Molly:** Good… Don’t worry, you didn’t take much longer than what John said you would. What do you mean “let go of you”, though?

**Sherlock:** He insisted that my injuries  _ had _ to be treated.

**John:** Well, now they won’t get infected and you look decent, not like a... problematic teen who got in a fight after school.

**Lestrade:** If it weren’t for you, John, Sherlock would be walking around with blood all over his face, a broken nose, smelling like rubbish and wearing only a bedsheet.

**Molly:** Hahaha, the truth

**John:** I can’t always avoid half of those things, but I try.

**Sherlock:** Lestrade, it might interest you to know that one of the tattoo cultists my network has “kidnapped” is the man who had a fight with Sienna Hayes in her hallway the day before her death. 

**Lestrade:** Are you completely sure? 

**Sherlock:** Of course. 

John didn’t believe me, though, so he broke his jaw to make him confess to it. In case you need the Watson certificate of authenticity. 

**Lestrade:** Always good to have it.

**John:** Oh no, I believed Sherlock. I just felt like breaking that guy’s jaw.

**Sherlock:** John made them look like it was me who won the fight, in comparison. He has a talent.

**Lestrade:** And the other guy? 

**Sherlock:** Around 40, former professional boxer, working temporarily as a security guard, recently divorced, allergic to seafood, struggling to quit smoking, what is your question?

**Lestrade:** Is he anyone… interesting? Anyone we know? Just another tattoo idiot? 

**Sherlock:** I’d say the latter.

**Lestrade:** Good. 

  
  


* * *

 

 

**“John”.**

_ Status: Online. _

**John:** Where are you? Come back home. 

**Sherlock:** Running errands. 

**John:** At almost 11 p.m.??

**Sherlock:** Some shops are open 24/7, you know. 

**John:** You’re doing case stuff on your own, right? I told you, I’ll go with you, no matter what it is.

**Sherlock:** No, really, I’m buying things. 

**John:** Things? 

**Sherlock:** Regular things. For the flat.

**John:** Like what? 

**Sherlock:** Nitric acid. Socks. Chewing gum. 

**John:** One of those things doesn’t fit there. 

… And I don’t even know which one. 

**Sherlock:** The chewing gum is for you. For good breath. Since yours got stolen.

**John:** Oh. Nice. Thank you.

**Sherlock:** Yes. 

**John:** You still don’t know how to respond to “thank you”.

**Sherlock:** No.

**John:** That’s fine. 

Can you buy beer, actually? And we’ll run out of milk soon, so if you can just buy some… 

**Sherlock:** Don’t exaggerate. 

**John:** Okay, okay, sorry. 

Coming home soon? 

**Sherlock:** Yes. 

**John:** Bond night? If you want to.

**Sherlock:** Yes. 

I’ll turn off my phone while we’re watching the films, this time. 

**John:** Nice. 

A Bond night is better with beer. 

**Sherlock:** I was buying it anyway. 

**John:** :)

 

_..._

_..._

_..._

 

**“BORED”.**

**Molly:** I'm going to sleep but, before that… I need updates! On the case. Come on, someone talk. 

No? Nobody? 

Random question. What are Sherlock’s “interrogation clothes”? I’m curious. 

Hello?

So right when it’s not supposed to, the entirety of this group chat is now going to bed at healthy hours again???

Oh, good, now I'm the weird one. 

**Mycroft:** I’m bored, too, again. 

Maybe you want to see the CCTV, Hooper?

**Molly:** Nevermind, I’m not the weird one. Phew. Good to know. 

Good night everyone! Sweet dreams!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just for the record, the Best Hair Ranking goes like this: Sherlock, John (according to Sherlock especially), Greg, Molly and Mycroft. If characters like Mrs. Hudson and Irene count here, since they've participated in the gc before, then they'd definitely go, like, before Mycroft, but after Greg, because I like Greg's hair.  
> Thanks for reading!! Hope you liked this chapter. Tell me what you liked the most!!  
> Also, you know that double date proposition? Sherlock and John and Molly and Greg having dinner all together at Baker Street like a happy family? Soon.  
> (Sherlock: "That sounds like a threat".)


	18. Fair share of bonding

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The case is reaching its end, and so is the week. And with the end of the week comes the second weekiversary, and with it the awaited double date. But it's really not a double date, is it? Also, John finally talks about something he needed to talk about.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you like this chapter!

**John** ’s phone

_Sunday (happy second weekiversary!)_

 

**“Sherlock”.**

_Status: Online._

**John:** Where are you?

_…_

_…_

_..._

Sherlock.

Hello? Where are you?

Just want to decide whether I should get worried or not.

 **Sherlock:** You're up early.

 **John:** _You're_ up early. Even got up before breakfast. That’s historic.

 **Sherlock:** Oh, I was wondering why it wasn't there. Breakfast. It usually is there.

 **John:** God, you really have no idea, do you?

 **Sherlock:** Of what?

 **John:** Nevermind. So where are you?

 **Sherlock:** Getting work done ahead of time. Didn't want you wake you up. It's nothing important.

_..._

**John:** Did you take me to my bed last night?

 **Sherlock:** Why are you asking that?

 **John:** Because I last remember falling asleep on the couch, and I woke up in my bed?

 **Sherlock:** No, I meant why are you asking it? Isn't the answer obvious? Do you think Mrs. Hudson just popped in to check on you at 1:32 a.m. exactly and carried you all the way to your bed upstairs?

 **John:** It was 1:32 a.m.?!

 **Sherlock:** Yes. Come on, it’s not that late.

 **John:** Maybe not for you, but I mean, I’m pretty sure at some point you manually got rid of your circadian rhythms somehow.

And, honestly, Mrs. H. would have done all of that.

 **Sherlock:** She would have tried. But you're too heavy. And there's her hip.

 **John:** Didn't think you listened when she complained about her hip. I'm not that heavy!

 **Sherlock:** As the one who carried you all the way to your bed upstairs, I think I'm allowed to disagree.

Don't get offended, I'm not calling you fat. You're well-built. Mostly muscle in there.

 **John:** Am I?... I wasn't offended. I don't care about you calling me fat, or anyone, for that matter.

 **Sherlock:** I should've guessed. It’s quite a foolish way of “insulting”. Not the kind of thing that works with you.

 **John:** Ha, yeah, just because it offends Mycroft doesn't mean it will offend me. You do keep teasing him about that, don't you?

 **Sherlock:** He's the one who decided to go on a diet. Had it coming.

He gets offended that I'm teasing him about his useless efforts and his tendency to procrastinate on non-vital matters, not about his appearance. _God_ , if I wanted to insult his appearance I would have so much more interesting material to work with.

 **John:** Good thing he doesn’t procrastinate on vital matters. Considering he’s the British Government and all that.

 **Sherlock:** Hah. Certainly.

 **John:** Anyway, I know you two are the Holmes and you can master a new language in 3 hours, but come on, things take time. Diets too. Don’t tease him so much.

 **Sherlock:** You smile when I do it.

 **John:** Yes. Well. Maybe. Still.

 **Sherlock:** But you don't understand. He first decided to go on a diet _twelve years ago._

 **John:** Oh. Nevermind. Tease him, then.

 **Sherlock:** And I can master a new language in less than 3 hours.

 **John:** No you can't.

 **Sherlock:** No, I can't.

 **John:** I knew it :)

 **Sherlock:** You always do.

You're distracting me from my work again. Talk later.

 **John:** “Again”? I _help_ you in your work!

 **Sherlock:** Yes, when you’re not distracting me from it.

 **John:** Alright, well. Come back home soon.

 **Sherlock:** Why, what do you need me for?

 **John:** Nothing.

 **Sherlock:** What have I done that you want me to clean up, then?

 **John:** Nothing! Just want you to be home.

 **Sherlock:** Why?

 **John:** Okay, don't bloody come home then, Jesus.

 **Sherlock:** I'll be there soon.

 **John:** Okay. Good.

 

**“BORED”.**

**Molly:** Good morning everyone! Can't help but feel it's a bit sad to be the first to text after my last texts here went unanswered but, got to make the sacrifice. Speaking of that, was I annoying?

 **Greg:** Not at all Molls. Sorry, ran out of battery yesterday night. Good morning!

 **John:** Don't worry, Molly. I would've texted back if I hadn't turned my phone off. Sherlock and I were having a Bond night.

 **Molly:** A bond night?

A night in which you two just… bond?

 **John:** No. Bond as in James Bond. As in watching James Bond films.

 **Molly:** Oh.

 **Greg:** I bet they do their fair share of bonding during those nights.

 **Molly:**  Anyway, I should've been more considerate of how tired you guys must have been after doing, you know, case stuff all day, surely you felt like resting more than texting

 **John:** Oh, Sherlock, look at this, how considerate she's being. Examining her own actions and stuff.

 **Sherlock:** Why are you addressing me? What do I have to do with that?

 **Molly:** Hi, Sherlock!

 **John:** Just thought you might want to learn a thing or two from her.

 **Sherlock:** About spam texting a group chat because you're desperate to know more about a criminal case, in an attempt to relieve yourself of an intellectual frustration caused by the mundanity of your daily life and the consequent letargy of your brain?

 **John:** Arse.

 **Sherlock:** No, don't take it the wrong way. Only people who are _not_ stupid beyond remedy yet feel such intellectual frustration.

 **Molly:** “Yet”?

 **Greg:** So, let’s all ignore Sherlock, yeah? Always a good idea, right?

You’re not wrong about the fact that we were tired yesterday, Molly. Thank God it’s Sunday.

 **Sherlock:** Thank God there’s no stupid acronym for that.

 **Greg:** There is now, because I say so. TGIS, guys.

 **Molly:** TGIS haha

 **John:** TGIS!

 **Sherlock:** I’m surrounded by enemies.

 **Greg:** Also, happy weekiversary.

 **Molly:** Oooh, yeah! Weekiversary!

 **Sherlock:** I’m leaving.

 **Greg:** This genius repellent works so well.

Molly, you wanted to know about yesterday?

 **Molly:** How did you guess?

 **Greg:** I bet John and Sherlock can tell you more about what they were up to yesterday, but what I know is, firstly, that the two “lovely gentlemen”, as John called them, in Sherlock’s room are in prison for the time being.

 **Molly:** Good

 **Greg:** And that Sherlock got out of the interrogation room yelling about how no one could see that the case was already solved.

 **Molly:** Oh?

 **Greg:** Thanks to some… let’s call it teamwork, the three of us, Sherlock, John and I ended up convincing everybody that they should listen to him. Well, John and I did it, really. Sherlock wasn’t brilliant at making a case for himself.

 **John:** It’s irritating, having to convince everyone.

 **Greg:** We pick our battles.

 **John:** Anyway, long story short is they listened to us in the end, and Scotland Yard arrested a bunch of people. And while they were doing that, Sherlock and I went to Emma’s flat. Sherlock was of course sad to have missed the arrests.

 **Greg:** It’s a shame, really. He’s all smiley when someone is arrested.

 **John:** Sherlock convinced me to pretend to want another date with her, with Emma. I didn’t do a very good job, I was busy trying not to get something else stolen from me. Eventually Sherlock interrupted the conversation by showing up. He got into the house by climbing into Emma’s bedroom window.

 **Molly:** Wasn’t Emma terrified?

 **John:** Not that much until he pointed my gun at her. That usually does the trick.

Sherlock also had what Emma stole from Irene when he appeared, which he’d fetched from Emma’s bedroom, and as it turns out (because he certainly hadn’t told me about it before), it was a necklace. Except it wasn’t “just a necklace”. And Sherlock called me stupid for thinking it was “just a necklace”, because “this is The Woman we’re talking about”.

 **Greg:** I would say he idolizes her, if it weren’t for the fact that the only person he idolizes is himself.

 **John:** Yeah, he really… loves her.

There’s also the fact that Emma didn’t steal it from Irene, directly.

Sherlock found this funny.

She stole it from the last girl I’d been on a date with before Emma.

I didn’t find it that funny.

 **Greg:** Diane the lesbian?

 **John:** Do you have to use “the lesbian” as a title?

 **Sherlock:** I think he’s just reminding you that you’re unobservant enough to perceive no difference between a person who is attracted to you and one who doesn’t even like men.

Your narrations are so bland and monotonous, John.

 **John:** And you’re good at that?

 **Sherlock:** At what? Narrating?

 **John:** No. I meant… Perceiving that difference that you mentioned.

 **Sherlock:** Yes. Obviously.

 **John:** Ah.

 **Sherlock:** Yes, you know, a couple of your dates weren’t that into you. I could’ve told you, but I didn’t want to ruin the romance.

 **John:** By “a couple of my dates”, you mean those two whose conversations with me you interrupted to reassure them that there were many fish in the sea and they could probably find another man more to their taste?

 **Sherlock:** Oh, yes. I forgot I did that.

One of them gave me her number before she left.

 **Molly:** Poor girl, she didn't know what she was getting into.

 **Sherlock** : I used that piece of paper as a coaster.

 **John:** For three weeks. Yeah. I wondered whose phone number that was.

 **Sherlock:** You didn’t even remember her phone number, clearly it wasn’t going to last.

 **Greg:** Not everyone memorises people’s phone numbers, Sherlock.

 **Sherlock:** Oh. Right.

Really?

 **Molly:** I have absolutely no idea if you’re joking or not, Sherlock.

 **Greg:** I mean, come on, Sherlock, isn’t that what we have mobile phones for?

 **Sherlock:** Well, yes! Sure! Why learn a foreign language, isn’t that what we have Google Translator for? This is ridiculous.

 **Molly:** Wait, so why was the necklace not just a necklace?

 **Sherlock:** There were documents hidden inside the pendant.

 **Molly:** I can see why you like James Bond.

 **Sherlock:** I don’t, John does. I put up with it for him.

 **Molly:** How nice!

Then John, if you like James Bond, I can see why you like Sherlock.

 **Sherlock:** The comparison is still borderline insulting.

 **John:** So. Anyway. Reaching the end of my bland, monotonous narration.

By the time Emma confessed she’d stolen the necklace, she was practically in tears. Sherlock decided her tears looked fake and yelled at her a little, which made her cry more. This time it convinced Sherlock, and he was quite satisfied when he left.

I hate him sometimes.

 **Sherlock:** I’m here, you know.

 **John:** Sorry. I meant “Hey, Sherlock, I hate you sometimes”.

 **Molly:** Oh, good.

Not the fact that you hate Sherlock.

Just the general…

Everything.

So, what about whoever murdered our blueish guy? Were they one of the arrested people?

 **Sherlock:** Several people participated in his murder, clearly.

 **Molly:** Oh. Yeah, clearly.

 **Sherlock:** I haven’t found anyone whose involvement in that matter is clear, but when I have everyone from the tattoo cult arrested, surely the culprits will be among them.

 **Greg:** When “you” have everyone arrested?

 **Mycroft.:** And you think you are going to get each and every single one of them?

 **Molly:** Oh, _you_ ’re here

 **Sherlock:** Oh, not at all, Mycroft. Some of them will die.

Have you all seen the news?

 **John:** What? The news?

 **Sherlock:** Yes. The news. Have you?

 **Greg:** I don’t know if you know this, Sherlock, but there are multiple news every day.

 **John:** Yeah, would be nice if you specified.

 **Sherlock:** Top banker kidnapped.

 **Greg:** That’s from two days ago.

 **Sherlock:** Really?

 **Greg:** Yes. And I haven’t only seen it, we’re… working on it. How come you didn’t know about it?

 **Sherlock:** Well, I don’t know. I saw it today.

 **Greg:** Don’t you look at the dates when you check the news?

 **Sherlock:** They’re not the relevant part.

 **Greg:** Ok, honestly, do you even have any concept of time?

 **John:** I’ll save you time, no he doesn’t.

 **Molly:** What is so relevant about the kidnapped banker, Sherlock?

 **Sherlock:** Can’t you see??

Not even you, Lestrade? You were there when I was cracking the code.

 **Molly:**???

 **Greg:** What?

 **Sherlock:** Oh. You can’t. You really can’t see.

John, is there now breakfast in the flat?

 **John:** Yes, I made some. Mrs. H. is “busy”… She’s really into that man with the moustache. Aren’t you going to explain the kidnapped banker thing?

 **Sherlock:** Hm, he’s no good for her. What did you make for breakfast?

 **John:** A surprise. Either come home or explain yourself.

 **Sherlock:** I’ll be there in approximately seven minutes.

 **John:** Okay, then.

 **Greg:** So no explaining yourself. That’s great.

 **John:** Wait, why isn’t the man with the moustache good for her? Should I be worried?

 **Sherlock:** They have wildly varying tastes in classical music and he doesn’t even like dogs. Approximately six minutes now.

 **John:** I hope you’re in a cab instead of texting while running around London again.

 **Greg:** If he’s running so fast just to get to breakfast, he must be really hungry.

 **John:** Sherlock hasn’t been hungry in 24 years. I’m sure Mycroft could confirm it.

 **Mycroft.:** Pretty good approximation.

 **Molly:** Are you always reading from the shadows, Holmes? And, how come we don’t get _your_ “read” checks even though you’ve read the texts?

 **Sherlock:** He’s the British Government, Molly.

 **John:** Just in case, STOP TEXTING, Sherlock.

  


* * *

 

  


**John:** Hello, “BORED”!!

 **Greg:** John, are you drunk? Because it's barely afternoon and if so I'm concerned.

 **John:** Who are you? “Greg”?? Who is that???

 **Greg:** Another one like Sherlock? What is so profoundly unfathomable about my name being Greg?

 **Mycroft.:** “Greg” is D.I. Gregory Lestrade, Mrs. Hudson, from Scotland Yard. The man with the grey hair who occasionally bursts into 221B to beg my brother for help. Does that ring a bell?

 **John:** Oh Detective Lestrade!! :) So sorry dear, I forgot. At my age your memory isn’t so good. Sherlock always calls you Lestrade. And John always calls you the same way in front of Sherlock too, so poor Sherlock won't get confused.

 **Greg:** Oh Mrs. Hudson. Don't worry

 **Mycroft.:** The situation has resulted in all of you being confused, so obviously, it hasn't been very effective, has it?

 **John:** And hello “Mycroft.”! You really are the ray of sunshine in your family, are you not?

 **Greg:** Hahahaha wow Mrs. H.

 **John:** When I met Sherlock, I never imagined he could be the cheerful brother! Yet here we are! But on second thought he does get quite cheerful about murder. Never been the serious type, has he?

 **Mycroft.:** Mrs. Hudson, may I ask why you are referring to me by my name between quotation marks and with a period at the end?

 **John:** It's the contact name in here, “Mycroft.”!

 **Molly:** Mrs. Hudson, hiiii!! So nice to talk to you! Why are you on John's phone? Not that I'm complaining haha

 **Mycroft.:** Why would my contact name on Doctor Watson’s phone be my name with a period at the end?

 **Greg:** Maybe it's the equivalent of John saying your name in a really dry and bitter way. Like… “Mycroft.”

 **Mycroft.:** That makes no sense.

 **Molly:** It actually sort of makes sense…

 **Mycroft.:** It does not.

 **John:** Molly, dear, hello! You're just “Molly”, thankfully! Very straight-forward. I'm on John's phone because he forgot it at home. He and Sherlock left in a hurry. They were saying the usual gibberish they say. Sherlock said something about the game being on and off, as always. I’m quite sure he was convinced they were going to save someone from a kidnapping! I pray they don't get in trouble again!

 **Greg:** Oh, the bloody kidnapped banker. Those idiots. Can't they call me before they go experience a life-or-death situation?

 **John:** I'm no expert on crimes, Detective, but I'm almost an expert on Sherlock, and I know that what he would say would be something along the lines of “you would ruin it” :)... I was meaning to ask if any of you knew where John might be, so he can get his phone back, but I suppose the answer’s no!

 **Molly:** I'm afraid so, Mrs. Hudson. And Sherlock seems to be offline

 **Greg:** If they wind up kidnapped too, I'm sure I'll know soon enough. Sherlock once said he'd invite me to his next kidnapping, I'm sure he'll keep his word.

Anything else we can help you with?

 **John:** Oh, no, all of you are probably very busy. Please, get on with your lives! I'm busy as well. I have a lot to do. And a “date” to attend! It isn’t just the boys getting some action!

 **Molly:** Haha, alright, have a nice day! Should we ring John’s phone if we get any news?

 **Greg:** Getting some action hahahahaha

Have a nice day, Mrs. Hudson. And I'm still looking forward to that dinner invitation.

 **John:** Only if it's terrible news, thank you, sweetheart… If the boys come back in one piece, it would be a pleasure to have you round this evening!!

 **Molly:** Oh that would be wonderful! Wouldn't it Greg?

 **Greg:** Yeah! Today’s a perfect day.

 **John:** And “Mycroft.” can come along too! It would do him good to breathe some fresh air, and socialise, and have a nice time with his brother.

 **Mycroft.:** Firstly, Sherlock and I haven't had a nice time together in twenty years. Secondly, even if I, for some reason, wanted to attend a dinner in 221B of Baker Street, I wouldn't be able to. I'm currently in Vienna, and by this evening, I'll be in Sofia. I’m getting fresh air, thank you very much.

 **Greg:** Nevermind about him, Mrs. Hudson. Molly and I would love to have dinner at Baker Street.

With Sherlock and John, in a double date of sorts, haha.

 **Molly:** Not a double date, though

 **Greg:** Oh. Right. Not a double date. According to them.

 **Molly:** Yes.

 **John:** Right then! If you say so! Come round whenever you’re free you two!

 **Molly:** We will!

 **Greg:** Bye!

 **Mycroft.:** Well, what a boring conversation.

 **Greg:** Less boring than Vienna though, isn’t it?

 **Mycroft.:** But much less entertaining than a kidnapping, so I hope I get notice of one soon.

  


* * *

 

  


**Sherlock:** Lestrade, I’m going to need to borrow Sienna’s phone, the important one, there is some information I have deleted from my brain so I need to check. Mycroft, my markers are moving and giving me more hints than expected, might be relevant to you, all of us, the entirety of England possibly, text me. Molly, we need to see the bluish man again to confirm a theory. Group chats really are wonderful for telling several people several things at once, this was a great idea.

 **Greg:** The important one? And which one would that be, just to be sure?

 **Sherlock:** Maybe the one where all the coded messages regarding Sienna’s criminal activities were?

 **Molly:** Ok, Sherlock… I’ll text you when you can come by.

 **Mycroft.:** I'll text you, as well, Sherlock.

 **Greg:** You know you can’t just borrow criminal evidence whenever.

 **Sherlock:** Great, then the kidnapped banker our nation has been _so_ worried about for the past two days will die, NSY will have done nothing to save him, and after that, it might be too late to solve the tattoo cult case.

 **Greg:** I thought you didn’t even know about the kidnapped banker case until today. What do you know about people being worried?

 **Sherlock:** I didn’t know. Now I do. I’ve been online.

 **Greg:** You’re putting me on the spot, you know that?

 **Sherlock:** But will you get it for me?

_..._

**Greg:** Yeah. Yeah, of course I will.

 **Sherlock:** Good.

 **Greg:** Idiot.

 **Sherlock:** That’s the sort of thing you say under your breath and then dismiss as “Nothing” when I ask you what you’ve said, but you do know it doesn’t work in text format, don’t you?

 **Greg:** You can tell when I’m saying that??

 **Sherlock:** Lestrade. Please.

 **Greg:** Dammit. 

Idiot.

  


* * *

 

 

 **Molly:** Hey! Any news since you left the morgue?

_..._

Ok, I’m going to stop asking this. Feels a bit useless.

You’re going to tell me anyway, aren’t you? We really like oversharing in this group chat.

 

 

* * *

 

  


**Sherlock:** The world is a big, big web, but people are rarely observant enough to catch a glimpse of its patterns.

 **Molly:** Hello, Sherlock?

 **Sherlock:** And I can be really slow.

 **Molly:** Are you ok?

 **Sherlock:** Yes.

 **Molly:** Sure?

 **Sherlock:** Yes, Molly. Don’t worry.

 **Molly:** Good. Then can you tell us what happened?

 **John:** I can tell you instead, Sherlock’s having a mini existential crisis again.

 **Sherlock:** I’m not. I’ll tell you.

 **Molly:** Oh John, you got your phone back.

 **John:** Yeah, we’re home now.

Well, first of all, we saved the man. The banker. Well, Sherlock did, but you know what I mean.

 **Sherlock:** No, we did, both of us. And I said _I_ ’d tell them, John.

 **John:** Go help Mrs. H. with dinner and stop texting me from the couch.

 **Sherlock:** You love exposing me, don’t you.

 **John:** Favourite hobby, yeah.

But thanks for saying that.

I mean, for saying that both of us did it.

Okay, I’ll go on.

He was being held captive by the tattoo cult, of course. Apparently, the moment Sherlock saw the news (two days late, but he won’t listen when I remind him that), he knew it was their doing.

 **Sherlock:** You’re the one who _buys_ newspapers every day. You’re supposed to inform me of that kind of thing.

 **John:** Go help Mrs. Hudson and shut up!

When he saw the news, he realised something else: the tattoo cult were discussing kidnapping that man days ago, and we’d all seen it without realising what it said. We’d all seen the messages where they planned to kidnap him. Among Sienna’s text messages.

 **Greg:** Oh, so that’s what Sherlock meant, when he said “I was there while he was cracking the code”.

 **John:** Yes, and obviously, now that he’d seen the news and understood the missing parts of the code, he expected you and… all of us I guess, to make the same connection.

 **Greg:** Obviously… And that’s what he wanted Sienna’s phone for.

 **John:** He didn’t explain anything to you, when he went collect the phone?

 **Greg:** Not a word. By the way, where were you when he came, waiting in the car? I was worried you’d vanished or something. No updates, and you’d left your phone in the flat, so… Of course, after that I supposed that if you’d disappeared Sherlock would be more worried about you than the phone.

 **John:** Well, who knows. The phone is evidence. I’m just a… person. But yeah, actually, I _was_ waiting in the cab.

 **Sherlock:** You’re not just a person, and you’re not telling the story anymore, John. You’re just texting. I’ll do it.

 **John:** This is a group chat, Sherlock. Of course I’m texting.

 **Sherlock:** My only realisation wasn’t when I saw the news regarding the banker’s kidnapping. It was yesterday, courtesy of the two lovely gentlemen, since we’re calling them that now, who were tied to my bed. When I came out of the shower and right before John subjected me to the dull torture of tending to my injuries, he said something; he said one of the men had stared at him and asked him “ _He_ ’s Sherlock Holmes?”.

 **John:** Yeah, right before I said “Yeah, and you don’t mess with him” and broke his jaw.

 **Sherlock:** Thanks for the addition. You didn't tell me that.

 **Molly:** So, Sherlock?

 **Sherlock:** So it’s an odd question, isn’t it? _What_ had made him realise I was Sherlock Holmes?

 **Molly:** Wasn’t that why they beat you up?

 **John:** Anyone would want to beat Sherlock up for the sake of being Sherlock, but no, actually.

 **Greg:** You say that but then you break a bloke’s jaw for messing with Sherlock, so…

 **Sherlock:** No, Molly. It was because I’d jumped out of a rubbish bin in an attempt to ambush them.

 **Molly:** Oh. Yeah, makes sense.

 **Sherlock:** I went into the room and quickly proved one of the twenty-four theories I had formulated in the way there. The green box, the Woman’s green box in my room. One of the men didn’t look very interested, but the man with the broken jaw, oh, he looked at it with recognition in his eyes. Kept looking at it, in fact. His eyes were going from it to my face like he was in a very tense tennis match. A physically painful tennis match too, going by his general body language.

 **Molly:** You can tell when there’s recognition in somebody’s eyes?

 **Greg:** If he can tell apart 243 types of tobacco ash, he can do that.

 **Sherlock:** How is that important? The point is, he was one of them. One of the Bulgarians.

He recognised The Duck’s box, may have even been there when The Woman gave him his information back.

And then I saw it.

 **Molly:** You saw what?

 **Sherlock:** The pattern.

Daniel Reer’s fake name was a courtesy of Irene, as was the little assignment that led him to his death: stalking Emma Ackerley. The man who posed as Emma’s father to consult me had been sent to me by Irene. And now, one of the tattoo cultists is also a member of the criminal gang Irene is currently on a friendly partnership with. And I was stupid enough to not realize that it’s all too much of a coincidence.

 **Mycroft.:** The universe is rarely so lazy, brother.

 **Sherlock:** If Moriarty is a consulting criminal, the tattoo cult is a bunch of mini consulting criminals. Which certainly doesn’t sound as intimidating, but it’s an accurate description.

They have connections to Irene and to the Bulgarians, the Bulgarians have connections to Irene, and everyone has one big, common connection.

The world is a big, big web, and in such a world, the biggest spider is king.

 **Mycroft.:** Moriarty.

 **Sherlock:** The same man who, as you discovered, dear brother, was behind the order to kill Anna, Sienna’s girlfriend. And many other cases, as I’m sure we’ll find once we look into the background of the fifty-six people I have helped Scotland Yard arrest.

 **Molly:** Oh.

 **Sherlock:** Oh indeed.

And now it’s time for dinner.

 **Molly:** Is it?

 **Sherlock:** It’s nearly ready.

 **John:** It’ll be ready faster if you go help Mrs. H.

 **Sherlock:** Fine.

 **Greg:** He’s in the mood for _dinner_ now?

 **John:** Yeah, apparently he is. He said earlier, “mentally stimulating things call for food”, something like that. I really don’t understand him at all.

Mrs. H. has made a LOT of food, so I hope you two haven’t found any better plans.

 **Molly:** Oh, we’re really doing this then? Double date?

 **John:** I suppose we are. Sherlock almost seemed… excited about it. For half a second.

 **Molly:** Yay!!

 **Greg:** This is weird.

 **John:** Yeah, I know.

 **Greg:** No, I meant you. Molly’s said “double date” and you haven’t said anything. Not even a bit of denial. Not even a small “Not a date”.

 **John:** Oh, shut up.

 **Greg:** What? It’s true.

 **John:** You’re always doing that.

 **Greg:** Doing what?

 

**“Greg”.**

_Status: Online._

**John:** Joking about Sherlock and me being a couple, or being whatever. Constantly teasing us, or me, I don’t know, about it. That’s what you’re always doing.

 **Greg:** Why couldn’t you say this in the group chat?

 **John:** Doesn’t matter. Don’t ignore what I’ve just said, you’re acting like Sherlock.

 **Greg:** Well I didn’t know you were that annoyed.

 **John:** Well I am.

 **Greg:** Well you’re not nearly as annoyed about me teasing you about being a lady killer or your silly uni nickname or anything else I tease you about.

 **John:** Well, I am annoyed about this. It’s just a hilarious joke to you. The mere idea that we could be a couple. And you keep joking about it and it’s annoying.

 **Greg:** Oh, I get it

 **John:** What?

 **Greg:** It’s not just a joke to me, mate. Ok, it sort of is, it’s funny, but it’s not just a joke, I really think you two could be a couple. _Would_ be a couple, in… another universe. If both of you weren’t the way you are.

 **John:** What’s the way we are?

 **Greg:** I could write an essay about it.

But I get it. You’re not annoyed about the joke, you’re annoyed that you think it’s just a joke to me

 **John:** What is that supposed to mean?

 **Greg:** Look, being honest, the reason why I only make jokes here and there instead of playing matchmaker with you two is that I don’t like getting involved in other people’s business.

Also, the fact that I’m not a highschooler anymore. I tried to do that with two friends back in school and it went horribly.

I also sort of wanted to do it with Anderson and Donovan, but then it wasn’t necessary because they were already sort of _together_ , as Sherlock told me.

Which, to be fair, says a lot about my instinct. I knew they fancied each other.

 **John:** You have a problem.

 **Greg:** Yeah I know.

But, my point is, I’ll quit making jokes if it annoys you so much, but you need to sort things out.

 **John:** Sort things out?

 

**“BORED”.**

**Sherlock:** Mrs. Hudson told me to say: “Dinner is ready”.

She also told me to say: “Many, many kisses for Detective Inspector Lestrade and Molly. And send them one of those emoti-jis. The one that is like a kiss. No, send them two. No, send them three”.

 

**“Greg”.**

_Status: Online._

**Greg:** You can’t just respond to everything with an interrogative sentence, you know.

I’ll be there soon for the dinner that’s not a double date at all, see ya.

_Status: -_

 

**“BORED”.**

**Molly:** Yay! Tell her Greg and I are almost ready!

 **Sherlock:** I don’t want to.

 **Molly:** Oh come on, Sherlock

 **Sherlock:** Do you want me to just send you her number?

 **Molly:** That would be great, actually!

_Sherlock sent a contact number._

**Mycroft.:** Ah, now I have an additional contact available for interrogation when I want to know more about your current situation. Perfect.

 **Sherlock:** How foolish of you to assume Mrs. Hudson is the type to break easily during an interrogation.

 **Mycroft.:** I have my methods and you know it. I will have no mercy just because she is an old lady.

 **Sherlock:** She’s not just an old lady, I can assure that.

 **Molly:** You two are scary.

  


* * *

 

  


**Greg:** Hey, happy second weekiversary!!

 **Molly:** Same for you! How fitting that we had the double date today!

Sorry. Not a double date. Right?

 **Greg:** John doesn’t seem to mind if we call it that! Do you, John?

_…_

Alright, well. Here are the pictures.

Why am I always the one who sends the pictures?

 **Molly:** Because you’re always the one who takes the pictures.

 **Sherlock:** Yes. You’re obsessed.

 **Greg:** Oh, right. Good point.

_*sends picture*_

**Molly:** You said you’d take a picture of the boys when the next weekiversary came around and you did!

 **Sherlock:** We look terrible. It’s terrible.

 **Molly:** No it’s not!

 **Sherlock:** John looks more awkward than usually for some reason, and he’s doing that fake smile he does for pictures.

 **Greg:** You should’ve told him jokes about bees.

 **John:** No he shouldn’t have, and thanks, Sherlock, for not doing it.

Aren’t you going to say anything about yourself?

 **Sherlock:** About myself?

 **John:** Don’t you look terrible too?

 **Sherlock:** Ah, yes. My hair looks quite… weird.

 **John:** Sherlock.

It’s still painfully obvious that you were beat up yesterday.

 **Sherlock:** Oh, that.

I assure you it’s more painful for me than it is for you.

 **Greg:** Here is Mrs. Hudson with all of you. _*sends picture*_

 **Molly:** Awww.

 **John:** She looks like she’s our mum, putting her arms over all of us. Trying to.

 **Molly:** She kind of is, she has basically adopted us on every aspect except legal.

 **Greg:** And here’s me and Molly _*sends picture*_

 **Molly:** Awwww.

 **John:** Mrs. Hudson just saw the pic and yelled “tell them they’re adorable!”. So, there.

 **Molly:** We should add her to the group chat!

 **Sherlock:** Absolutely not.

 **Greg:** Say thanks to her. Thanks to her verdict, I declare this the new best selfie of this group chat.

 **Sherlock:** It’s not.

 **Greg:** Oh yeah? Top it if you’re so brave.

 **Molly:** “If you’re so brave”? haha

 **Sherlock:** _*sends picture*_

 **Greg:** Oh, wow. John looks like you’re pointing a gun at his neck. Poor man. Let him go.

 **Sherlock:** Better? _*sends picture*_

 **Greg:** Yeah, actually… Did you tell him a joke about bees to get that smile?

 **Sherlock:** Maybe. As long as it still works.

 **Molly:** Aww! You two look so good! So happy!

_Molly changed the profile picture._

**John:** I won’t even protest this time.

 **Molly:** Good! Because it’s a great selfie

 **John:** My reason to not protest is that I’m too tired, but if you think so.

 **Molly:** No protests from Sherlock?

 **Sherlock:** My hair still looks weird.

 **John:** And your nose still looks swollen.

 **Sherlock:** Yes, well.

None of these is a real problem, so no, no protests.

 **Greg:** Alright, last picture. Here’s all of us. _*sends picture*_

What’s your favourite thing about it? Mine is Mrs. Hudson’s hand covering a quarter of the picture because she wanted to “wave to the camera”.

 **John:** Mine is the fact that you don’t know how to wink, Greg.

 **Greg:** I do! I was just caught unawares!!

 **Molly:** Mine is Sherlock holding the bow of his violin up to his neck in that lovely “I want to die” fashion.

 **Greg:** He really had to ruin the picture didn’t he?

 **John:** Wouldn’t be Sherlock if he didn’t.

 **Sherlock:** I didn’t “ruin” it. I added character to it.

 **Greg:** Oh and Sherlock, since you were complaining about John’s fake smile, here’s a real laugh from him. Last picture. _*sends picture*_

 **John:** When the HELL did you take that one?

 **Sherlock:** Oh, I know. That was when Mrs. Hudson and I were explaining how I stabbed someone with a sword but it was technically not illegal.

 **John:** How do you _remember_ it was that exact moment?

 **Sherlock:** Because I remember. Not all of us ended up intoxicated after tonight.

 **John:** I drank just as much as you! And it was you who bought the alcohol for some reason, so the blame’s on you.

 **Sherlock:** That’s absolutely not how it works.

 **Greg:** Yeah, by the way, thanks for buying the alcohol, made it all better.

 **Sherlock:** It’s sad that you can’t have fun without alcohol.

 **Greg:** Said the one who bought the alcohol?

 **Sherlock:** I bought it because I knew you can’t have fun without it. I’m just stating it’s sad.

 **Molly:** Sherlock, that whole sword thing, that was right after you moved into 221B, you were saying?

 **Sherlock:** Yes.

 **Molly:** And Mrs. Hudson was still willing to host you in the flat??

 **Sherlock:** She was more willing to do it than before, I’d say. Her exact words were: “Oh, you are absolutely mad. I like you”.

 **John:** Isn’t that what everyone says when they meet you?

 **Sherlock:** Most just say “piss off”.

 **John:** Ha.

 **Molly:** It is at least what everyone thinks when they meet you, and it’s almost word-for-word from your first blog entry, John, haha

 **John:** No it’s not.

 **Molly:** It's mad. I think he might be mad. He was certainly arrogant and really quite rude and he looks about 12 and he's clearly a bit public school and, yes, I definitely think he might be mad but he was also strangely likeable. He was charming.

 **John:** Molly, no.

 **Molly:** And the madman himself? He's fascinating. Arrogant, imperious, pompous. He's not safe, I know that much. I'm not going to be bored and I doubt we're going to be arguing about whose turn it is to pay the gas bill or what we're going to watch on the telly.

 **Greg:** Hahaha, it’s not word for word - it’s way toned down

 **John:** Ah, little did I know. We do argue about what to watch on the telly.

 **Sherlock:** Because you watch trash telly, John.

 **John:** See it’s worse with him than it would be with a normal person.

 **Molly:** Oh my god, I just saw the comments on your post. You know, “A strange meeting”

 **John:** What’s up with them? I don’t remember.

 **Molly:** Bill Murray commented “Mate, have you gone gay?”

 **Greg:** Really? I never saw that!

 **Molly:** And then he and your sister decided to have a discussion in your comment section?

 **John:** Oh. Oh, no. I didn’t remember.

 **Molly:** And then you said “I'm not gay. He might be. I don't know. It doesn't matter.”

 **Greg:** Oh, wow

 **Molly:** The first comment is quite stupid. You can’t exactly “go gay”.

Sorry. Is that a friend of yours? It was, wasn’t it? Didn’t mean to call him stupid.

 **Sherlock:** Bill Murray? Isn’t he an actor?

 **John:** Sherlock. Have you forgotten who Bill is again? Because I’ve told you twice already.

 **Mycroft.:** “I'm not gay, he might be”?

_..._

Well, what an awkward silence.

So. Have you said “last picture”? Finally.

Regarding the picture with the violin bow… Did you play the violin at your little dinner and all, brother?

 **Molly:** Yes he did, it was really nice!!

 **Greg:** It really was.

 **Sherlock:** It’s quite useful, being able to play an instrument. You do it with entertainment as an excuse whenever any event is getting boring.

 **John:** Oh, was the dinner getting boring?

 **Sherlock:** It was when Mrs. Hudson started rambling on about all the boyfriends she had when she was young, before she got married.

 **John:** Right. Oh, God. The Australian one.

 **Molly:** Oh my, the Australian one.

 **Greg:** The Australian one was the absolute worst.

 **Sherlock:** On the other hand, I liked Lestrade’s account of his top 5 most hated coworkers.

 **Greg:** Don’t tell anyone the names I told you, Sherlock, I swear.

 **Mycroft.:** Do it, Sherlock. Reveal it all. Oh, the drama in mundane people’s lives.

I am definitely going to sleep now. No more can be milked from this conversation.

 **Sherlock:** Are you in Sofia, then, Mycroft?

 **Mycroft.:** Yes.

 **Sherlock:** How fitting.

 **Mycroft.:** Very.

 **John:** Fitting how?

 **Sherlock:** Nevermind, John. It’s something to forget about for today.

 **Molly:** Well tonight was lovely, but Sherlock. Don’t think you can’t get away from cooking for us next time.

 **Sherlock:** I’ve told you. I’ll cook for you when I’m dead.

 **Greg:** I don’t know if I like the idea anymore. I think if he cooks for us it’ll be to poison us.

Going to bed. Good night to all of you.

 **Molly:** Good night, Greg!

 **John:** Good night.

 **Sherlock:** Bah.

 

**“Molly”.**

_Status: Online._

**John:** Hey, Molly.

 **Molly:** Hi, what’s the matter?

 **John:** We sort of are friends, aren’t we?

 **Molly:** Haha, yes, sure, that was my understanding at least.

 **John:** Okay, good.

_..._

**Molly:** … So. Why do you ask?

 **John:** Can I talk to you about a thing?

 **Molly:** A thing? Sure. Go ahead.

 **John:** You don’t think I might.

Possibly.

_..._

You know.

 **Molly:** I really don’t, John. I don’t know until you tell me. That’s how it goes.

 **John:** Right, okay, yes.

 **Molly:** Maybe you prefer to call?

 **John:** Oh, no, no, no. Texting. Texting is good.

 **Molly:** Whatever makes you most comfortable.

 **John:** So you don’t think.

You don’t think I might possibly…

 **Molly:** Fancy Sherlock?

 **John:** Like men?

What?

 **Molly:** Oh, sorry.

Oh, I mean.

I thought you would be way past the “liking men” bit and you’d be wondering if you… like Sherlock. Specifically.

I mean. Today I read that one text again, the one you sent me on Friday, I was trying to make sense of it.

I thought you might be asking because you were wondering if you liked Sherlock.

 **John:** I mean.

I don’t know.

How would I be “way past the liking men bit”?

 **Molly:** Well, you know.

Because it’s not a matter of being straight vs. suddenly going gay.

Irene Adler sort of said it, didn’t she? That you might be bisexual.

Well, she said something like that.

 **John:** Right.

Irene Adler.

 **Molly:** Or you could be something else! There are more labels.

Sorry. I’m really messing up, am I not?

 **John:** More labels?

 **Molly:** Oh.

Are you sure you don’t want to call? I might either mess up more or less, but it’s a chance I can take.

 **John:** No, I think I’m going to sleep.

 **Molly:** Really? Ok. Text again if you still want to talk

 **John:** Yes. Okay.

 **Molly:** Sorry.

_…_

Good night then!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading. Tell me what you think about it! And what you think will happen next! And whatever you want, really, I wouldn't complain if you also told me about your day


	19. The Sherlock defence squad

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John ponders over something and also complains that he's not given enough recognition. Everyone realises there's something they had never wondered about Sherlock. Sherlock's getting texts from a certain someone again. We do not need a disaster right now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Halloween! I've finally updated lol, sorry for taking so long!!

_Next day! Monday!_

 

**“BORED”.**

**Molly:** Good morning, everyone!

 **Greg:** Good morning!

 **Sherlock:** Asphyxiation.

 **Molly:** Sorry?

 **Greg:** Don't worry about it, it must be his new hello.

 **Sherlock:** It was asphyxiation. What made them “go blue”. It was the most likely possibility, but I just thought I might as well mention it.

 **Molly:** Did you have to mention it now, all out of the blue?

 **Sherlock:** That was actually funny, Molly.

 **Molly:** Sorry, what was?

 **Sherlock:** All out of the _blue_.

… Don't tell me you didn't realise.

 **Molly:** Ohhh!

 **Sherlock:** So you can only be funny on accident.

 **Molly:** Looks like it

 **Sherlock:** Tragic.

 **Mycroft.:** Tragic, truly.

 **Greg:** The worst moments are when you two agree on something.

 **Mycroft.:** Good morning to you too.

Quick observation: have you not purposely broken that ridiculous “good morning” pattern, Sherlock?

 **Sherlock:** It was going to be broken inevitably. John seems to be refusing to use his phone this morning. Or speak much at all. I don't know what the matter with him is.

 **Greg:** Did you keep him up at night with another dead rat in the blender or something of the sort?

 **Sherlock:** No. In fact, he went to sleep fairly early.

Isn’t that enough? A reasonable sleeping schedule?

 **Molly:** Enough for what?

 **Sherlock:** It’s what you lot do to keep sane, isn’t it?

 **Greg:** I like how foreign the concept of keeping sane is to you.

 **Mycroft.:** Are you not the brilliant detective, brother? An expert on people? Shouldn’t you be able to tell?

 **Sherlock:** I’m only an expert on the fun part of people.

 **Mycroft.:** Their criminal tendencies?

 **Greg:** The details that you can use to deduce their entire private life?

 **Molly:** Their dead bodies?

 **Sherlock:** Yes to all.

And feelings aren’t any of those things, so, not my department.

 **Mycroft.:** So, you reckon the cause of Watson’s current attitude is his… feelings?

 **Greg:** Feelings are usually the cause of a lot of things, you'd be surprised.

 **Sherlock:** It’s either that or a hangover.

 **Mycroft.:** Given the little dinner party the four of you held yesterday, the latter sounds more likely.

 **Sherlock:** Near impossible, actually; I monitored his alcohol consumption.

 **Greg:** And that doesn’t sound creepy at all.

 **Sherlock:** I monitored it a _bit_ . Which is why it’s _near_ impossible and not _completely_ impossible.

 **Greg:** I see.

 **Mycroft.:** What did you say to him, Sherlock?

 **Sherlock:** What do you mean?

 **Mycroft.:** His sensibilities, like all people’s, are very easy to hurt. You have probably said something “rude” to him recently. Or “heartless”. Or “completely lacking in any kind of empathy”. You know, the things they say.

 **Sherlock:** Oh. That I might have done, I never really know.

It’s solved, then!

 **Greg:** Solving cases, so early in the morning! How productive.

 **Sherlock:** I solved two cases today before even getting out of bed and one more when some woman came knocking on our door while I was having breakfast, but thank you.

 **Molly:** Is the… previous discussion over now?

 **Sherlock:** Yes.

 **Molly:** Good, because it strikes me as a bit rude to hypothesise about John’s mood and feelings when he’s in this group too.

 **Sherlock:** May I remind you that’s something you all have done before, except about me?

 **Molly:** Oh. Well.

Sorry.

 **Greg:** That’s different, Sherlock. Until recently we barely had any proof you had feelings. You’re a case study.

 **Mycroft.:** A case study. Don’t you do the exact same thing with the people around you, Sherlock?

 **Sherlock:** Don’t tell them, it ruins it!

 **Molly:** Ruins what? The study?

Do you study us??

Legitimately?

Sherlock?

 **John:** Good morning, everyone.

 **Greg:** Good morning, John!

 **John:** I’m fine.

 **Greg:** Are you sure Sherlock didn’t keep you up at night by killing any more rats? You can tell us.

 **John:** I’m sure, I think I would’ve noticed.

And he didn’t kill that rat, it was already dead.

 **Molly:** That’s what I was going to say

 **Sherlock:** Me, too.

 **Greg:** The Sherlock defence squad, including Sherlock as its most prominent member, never sleeps.

 **John:** Especially its most prominent member.

 

**“Molly”.**

_Status: Online._

**John:** Sorry about leaving abruptly yesterday.

 **Molly:** Oh, it’s ok. Sorry about the silly things I said. You’re good, right?

 **John:** Yeah, I’m good.

 **Molly:** Good!

 **John:** Good.

Anyway, what I was going to say.

I guess I might be.

 **Molly:** Be what?

 **John:** You know.

Okay, don't say what you said yesterday because you do know.

Bisexual.

 **Molly:** Oh! Good, that’s good.

Don't stress about it. Figuring yourself out is hard.

 **John:** It frustrates me a little.

 **Molly:** What? Why?

 **John:** The fact that Irene Adler is always right.

 **Molly:** Hahahahahaha

 **John:** It’s not that funny, really.

 **Molly:** It’s funny that you come out of the closet and are immediately bitter about it because it’s Adler’s fault somehow

 **John:** Okay, it’s a bit funny.

 **Molly:** I’m glad you trust me enough that you told me, despite all the silly things I say.

 **John:** We all say silly things. Thanks for listening. Maybe you should charge for it.

 **Molly:** Hahaha

 

**“BORED”.**

**John:** Going to work now. I don’t want to be late.

 **Greg:** Are you angry that we’ve been hypothesizing?

 **John:** Molly hasn’t.

 **Sherlock:** I’m sure Molly is very glad you noticed that fact, she defended you fiercely. Remember we have that thing today, John.

 **John:** You have that thing.

 **Sherlock:** _We_ do.

 **Greg:** What? What thing?

 **John:** Sherlock’s going to be on the news.

 **Sherlock:** John and I are going to be on the news.

 **John:** I barely have anything to do with it. You’re the one who figured it all out. Where the man was being kept, everything.

 **Molly:** Oh, it’s about that kidnapped man?

 **Greg:** It really is making me uncomfortable how famous Sherlock is becoming.

 **Sherlock:** You helped, John, you always help.

Notably, by knocking two people out, in this case.

 **John:** That’s true.

 **Sherlock:** Brilliant wrestling techniques.

 **John:** Thank you.

 **Sherlock:** Have I convinced you?

 **John:** Hm. Not sure.

 **Sherlock:** What if I’m given a present again? If I go on my own, you won’t be there to tell people that I actually mean “thank you”.

 **John:** All you have to do is say thank you, Sherlock. That’s literally all you have to do.

 **Sherlock:** Hm. Not sure when I should say it. Before or after I point out how stupid their present is?

 **John:** Okay, fine. You’ve convinced me.

 **Sherlock:** :)

Thanks for offering your social abilities. Clearly, I’m an expert on the fun part of people and you’re an expert on the not fun part of people.

 **John:** By which you mean… feelings?

 **Sherlock:** Obviously.

 **John:** Right.

 **Sherlock:** As well as an expert on medicine, hand to hand combat and a sharpshooter, of course.

 **Greg:** That’s practically a marriage proposal coming from Sherlock.

 

**“Sherlock”.**

_Status: Online._

**John:** Are you showering me with compliments because you think I’m mad at you?

 **Sherlock:** You really like texting personally these days, don’t you?

I wouldn’t really call it showering you with compliments, compared to what you say about me during the cases.

 **John:** Right, here he is again, Sherlock Holmes.

Well, just in case, I’m not mad at you.

You looked like that's what you thought.

 **Sherlock:** How could you possibly tell?

 **John:** Maybe I'm an expert on that.

 **Sherlock:** Who is it, then?

 **John:** What?

 **Sherlock:** Who are you mad at? If not me.

 **John:** No one!

Well, I’m always sort of mad at you. A bit.

More pissed than anything.

Actually, no. Not pissed. A stair down from that. Annoyed, but in the amused way.

 **Sherlock:** Hah.

 **John:** But these days, you manage to fix my mood quite quickly.

 **Sherlock:** Do I?

Good. I was sure it was working.

Do I really? How?

 **John:** Of course, you also always manage to misunderstand everything.

 **Sherlock:** What did I get wrong?

 **John:** I wasn’t annoyed about you saying I’m an expert on the not fun part of people.

 **Sherlock:** No?

 **John:** I was annoyed about you saying feelings are the not fun part of people.

But I’ll tell you something, you really haven’t been very observant. Yes, of course everyone would be an expert compared to you. But it doesn’t mean I’m one, objectively. Far from it.

_..._

**Sherlock:** Noted.

You aren’t suggesting I find a new expert, though? Because I’m fine with the way things are.

 **John:** I’m fine with the way things are, too.

For now.

 

* * *

 

 

**“BORED”.**

**Sherlock:** Why do people give such boring presents?

 **John:** Really, Sherlock? You’re just ranting here?

 **Sherlock:** I’m not ranting. It’s a question. About people. Made out of curiosity. Just thought I might as well ask the subjects of my case study.

 **John:** Sherlock, don’t scare Molly.

 **Molly:** Yeah, Sherlock, don’t!

Wait.

I didn’t get scared. Just so you know.

 **Greg:** Alright, wait a second here. Is he complaining about the present he's been given as a thank you by a man who was kidnapped until yesterday, or am I misunderstanding?

 **John:** He's doing exactly that.

 **Greg:** Great, ok, of course.

What did you get as a present this time, Sherlock?

 **Sherlock:** Tie pin.

 **John:** He deduced it after taking one look at the box.

 **Sherlock:** I don’t wear ties.

 **John:** Somehow, that made it more rude than it would have been if he’d said it after opening it.

 **Sherlock:** No, it made it cleverer.

 **John:** Ah, there it is. That’s exactly why it was more rude. Because it was you showing off.

 **Greg:** You could give it to me. The tie pin.

 **Sherlock:** Why would I do that?

 **Greg:** To be nice?

 **Sherlock:** No, that’s definitely not why I would do it.

 **Greg:** Alright then.

 **Sherlock:** Besides, what would you want it for? In six years, I've only seen you wear a tie 2% of the time.

 **Greg:** How. How?

Do you write this down somewhere?

 **John:** Oh he does.

 **Sherlock:** Have you been looking through my easy-to-find notepads, John?

 **John:** You look through my laptop, it's only fair!

Wait, easy to find? You have difficult to find ones?

 **Mycroft.:** Of course he does.

By the way, I do wear ties often.

 **Sherlock:** Yes, you do.

 **Mycroft.:** Almost all the time, in fact.

 **Sherlock:** Yes, well. I didn’t want to be the one to say it, but yes, it’s excessive.

 **Mycroft.:** Is there no deduction you think you can extract from my statement?

 **Sherlock:** There is, and I have chosen to ignore it.

 **Molly:** Are you all fighting over a tie pin now? Is that really what you’re doing?

 **Sherlock:** Moot point. It’s John’s now.

 **John:** Is it?

 **Sherlock:** Yes. Don’t argue.

 **Greg:** People should just hand the presents over to you, John.

 **John:** I’d be fine if people mentioned me at all, to be honest.

 **Greg:** Mentioned you?

 **John:** Sherlock says I always help, but I don't think anybody agrees.

You know what the banker said today? “I have one person to thank for my deliverance”. One person. While I was standing right next to Sherlock.

 **Sherlock:** They think you're just my blogger, John. It's because of the way you write.

 **John:** The way I write, meaning?

 **Sherlock:** Too much about me, not enough about you.

 **John:** Let me see if I'm getting this. You want me to write _less_ about you and more about _myself_?

 **Molly:** Wow.

 **Greg:** Wow!

 **Sherlock:** Yes, John, if you want them to hand the presents over to you, and they probably should, since they value “appropriate reactions” so much.

 **Molly:** So then what sort of presents would you prefer to be given, Sherlock? Ones that don’t require guessing whether you wear ties and that sort of thing.

 **Sherlock:** It’s not about guessing - it’s just ridiculous to assume one wears ties without giving it a second of thought or research, and yes, I’ve said research. Since there are unfortunately several terrible pictures of me around the Internet, those interested in giving me a present could at least take a look at them for more than one second; they would find themselves no doubt _very_ surprised to find out that I, in fact, don’t. Wear. Ties.

 **Molly:** Wow, again.

 **Sherlock:** And, for starters, a new microscope would be a wonderful present. Mine broke.

 **John:** “Mine broke”, huh? Just like that?

 **Sherlock:** Okay, I broke it.

 **John:** You broke it when…?

 **Sherlock:** When I slammed it against the wall yesterday, yes, this wasn’t necessary, John.

 **Greg:** Well, Sherlock, I can promise you this. If I ever have to give you a present, trust me, you won't like it.

 **John:** What a threat.

 **Mycroft.:** What exactly are you all doing? Plan for Sherlock’s birthday? Is that what that question was about, Hooper?

 **Molly:** Not really, I don’t even know when his birthday is.

 **Mycroft.:** Of course you don’t.

 **John:** Oh! Sherlock! Your birthday. You’ve never mentioned it.

 **Greg:**  That's true!

 **Molly:** Oh yeah!

 **Mycroft.:** Of course he hasn’t.

 **John:** When is it?

 **Sherlock:** It doesn’t matter.

 **John:** Yeah, I can see that you don’t care about it, but when is it?

 **Sherlock:** Not only do I not care about it, it also doesn’t objectively matter.

 **Mycroft.:** He stopped mentioning his birthday altogether when he was fifteen. I doubt he even remembers when it is.

 **Sherlock:** Younger, fourteen. And I do remember. I’ve tried to delete it before, to make room, but it doesn’t seem to want to go away.

 **Mycroft.:** I thought it was just us that had to bear with the weight of that memory.

 **Greg:** Us? Who's “us”?

 **Mycroft.:** Our parents and me, clearly. Have you not had your morning coffee today?

 **Greg:** Actually, I haven't. I was running short of time. So thoughtful of you to notice.

 **John:** Alright. Mycroft. When is his birthday?

 **Mycroft.:** Why do you want to know, are you going to buy him a new tie pin?

 **Sherlock:** It doesn’t matter, John.

 

**“Mycroft.”.**

_Status: ?_

**John:** Really, when is his birthday?

 **Mycroft.:** Oh, dear God. Are you serious, doctor Watson?

 **John:** Dead serious.

 **Mycroft.:** You are insistent.

 **John:** I haven’t started being insistent yet, actually.

 **Mycroft.:** Very well.

The 6th of January.

Please, don’t throw a very cheerful celebration. And don’t be obvious about the fact I have told you.

 **John:** But why?

 **Mycroft.:** He gets irritated for… stupid reasons, sometimes. You know him.

 **John:** Right, of course, stupid question.

 **Mycroft.:** Yes, it was - you should expect that to always be the case by now.

 **John:** But don’t worry, Mycroft. I was just planning on discreetly baking him a cake and decorating the flat and then, when he asks me how I knew it was his birthday, leaning against the wall enigmatically and saying “I have my sources”.

 **Mycroft.:** I am so very thankful that is only a joke.

It _is_ only a joke, is it not?

Don’t worry me.

Brilliant. Now I'm worried.

 

* * *

 

 

 **Sherlock** ’s phone.

 

**“Mycroft”.**

_Status: ?_

**Sherlock:** Now's the time and there's nothing catastrophic on the news. I assume it has been avoided?

 **Mycroft:** Yes.

She is good. She really is.

 **Sherlock:** You’re a bit late to that realisation.

 **Mycroft:** Thank you, truly, for your valuable information, Sherlock. That death would have been a disaster. And we do not need a disaster right now.

 **Sherlock:** Every time you say “truly”, whatever you're saying suddenly sounds really insincere.

 **Mycroft:** Well, this time it is not. Believe me.

 **Sherlock:** Fine, then.

 

* * *

 

 

**“The Woman”.**

_Status: Online._

**The Woman:** Good job.

 **Sherlock:** You don’t mean it.

 **The Woman:** Oh, don’t start pretending to be a humble man now.

Too late to back down.

It was a good job.

But this isn’t over.

 **Sherlock:** I wouldn’t expect it to.

 

 

* * *

 

 

**“BORED”.**

**Lestrade:** Mrs. Hudson just called me, she was really nervous and said John and Sherlock had been attacked or something like that. On my way to 221B now

 **Molly:** What?? Attacked??? What do you mean attacked?

 **Lestrade:** She wasn't being very clear, I don’t know, but I’m worried

 **Molly:** You two, are you alright?? Text if you can, please

 **Mycroft:** I am attempting to call my brother.

 **Molly:** But were they at their flat?

 **Lestrade:** Apparently, yes

 **Molly:** What do you think has happened?

 **Lestrade:** They never quite get rid of their “enemies”, do they?

 **Mycroft:** Attempting to call doctor Watson now.

 **Molly:** They lead a dangerous life…

And sometimes I forget it’s the same danger for you.

 **Lestrade:** Not really the same. Biggest difference is I’m a tiny bit less out of my mind than them.

 **John:** We’re fine.

 **Molly:** John! What happened?

 **John:** To be brief… Two blokes tried to kill us.

 **Molly:** Well, be less brief!

 **John:** They didn't succeed.

 **Lestrade:** Ah yes, that clarifies everything.

 **John:** They didn't have the tattoos, but Sherlock says they're a part of the “cult”. He knows they are for reasons that my mind didn't retain long enough to type them here.

But all they said to us was “This isn’t over”.

As a note; two things that I didn't know Sherlock still had in the flat: two pairs of handcuffs, and a sword.

 **Lestrade:** “Still” had?

 **John:** I saw Mrs. Hudson take them away myself. Looks like they found their way back inside.

Fortunately for us.

It's also fortunate for Sherlock that I was with him, unlike the last time he got beat up by two men from the tattoo gang.

 **Lestrade:** He'll kill you when he sees that text.

 **John:** Actually, he said it himself. That he was fortunate to have me here.

He'll kill me when he sees _that_ text.

 **Molly:** So you two are ok, yeah? And the two men?

 **John:** Handcuffed to both our chairs, looking at me judgementally for texting right after nearly dying.

 **Lestrade:** Clearly a symptom of social media addiction. They must disapprove of it.

 **John:** Would be nice if everyone who disapproved of social media addiction also disapproved of murder.

They're dragging the chairs across the floor and Mrs. H. is hitting the ceiling with a broom from downstairs.

 **Mycroft:** And that is how you deal with murderers in number 221B of Baker Street.

 **John:** Correct.

 **Mycroft:** Well. At least it has proven effective enough that neither of you has died, so far.

 **Lestrade:** John the Jaw Breaker, Mrs. Hudson wielding a broom, and that madman are clearly all a flat needs for defence.

 **Molly:** Thankfully, they are. I was so worried! Is Sherlock also alright?

 **John:** He is, don't worry. He's just busy putting the chairs back in their exact spot every time they drag them.

 **Molly:** Have you two considered… handcuffing them to something that can't be moved?

 **Sherlock:** Everything can technically be moved, Molly, it's just a matter of the strength of the force that moves it. Hello. Do I hear three police cars, Lestrade? Bit much, isn’t it?

 **Lestrade:** Yeah, well. I was worried. May have just been “two blokes”, but Mrs. Hudson made it sound really urgent.

 **Sherlock:** Fair enough. They were tough. It took me, two pairs of handcuffs, a sword and the sheer strength of John Watson to beat them.

 **Lestrade:** The sheer strength of John Watson

 **Molly:** The sheer strength of John Watson

 **Mycroft:** “The sheer strength of John Watson”?

 **Sherlock:** Are you lot going to keep repeating that for the rest of the day?

Also, how come John is a “Jaw Breaker” but I only get “that madman” as a title?

 **Molly:** Because you’re that madman.

 **John:** Yeah. Any context, and you know “that madman” probably means Sherlock.

 **Lestrade:** If a random person anywhere in London is saying “that madman” then honestly, it probably means Sherlock.

 **Mycroft:** That’s how we refer to you in the family meetings you miss, Sherlock.

 **Sherlock:** Hilarious.

 

* * *

 

 

**“John”.**

_Status: Online._

**John:** So. She’s been texting you. Anything to say about that?

 **Sherlock:** Who?

 **John:** I was with you, you know. But I bet you didn't even realise.

 **Sherlock:** I always assume you're with me, John, it's easier. You were with me when?

 **John:** I noticed when you set your phone to silent mode right the second you heard the notification. I could still tell.

 **Sherlock:** Ah. That notification.

 **John:** “Ah”, exactly. Why don’t you just change it?

 **Sherlock:** Well. Fine.

I’ll admit it.

 **John:** Oh?

 **Sherlock:** I don’t know how to change the notifications.

 **John:** That’s the most stupid lie you’ve said in a while.

 **Sherlock:** Had to give it a try.

 **John:** Of course.

_…_

**Sherlock:** ****Can I trust you?

 **John:** Yes, absolutely.

Why do you ask?

Everything alright?

 **Sherlock:** The fact that you only asked why after saying yes says enough.

 **John:** About how stupid I am? Yeah.

 **Sherlock:** I have a question for you.

 **John:** What question?

 **Sherlock:** It’s about morality. You’re the man for that.

 **John:** Wow, I’m flattered.

 **Sherlock:** You have a talent for sounding sarcastic even via text.

 **John:** No, I was serious.

 **Sherlock:** Really?

 **John:** No, I wasn’t.

 **Sherlock:** Just come downstairs.

 **John:** And you’ll tell me about why Adler’s been texting you, or is this an attempt to distract me from my initial question?

 **Sherlock:** You didn’t ask a question.

 **John:** It was implicit, you genius.

 **Sherlock:** I’ll tell you. And I’ll ask you a question. And you need not to tell Mycroft.

 **John:** What does Mycroft have to do with this?

Are you waiting for a confirmation? Are you really?

Sherlock, you massive idiot. I declined your brother's offer to spy on you for money a day after I met you. I'm not going to tell him about whatever you're talking about.

 **Sherlock:** Come downstairs, then.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please tell me what you thought of this chapter! I'll try to update faster next time!


	20. Surprises are stupid

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We learn what Sherlock wanted John to not tell Mycroft about, what purple looks like, and what a moral compass is good for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise, I'm still alive!   
> "I'll try to update faster next time", she said, right before disappearing for months. Ha, ha! Sorry. At first I was just going to take a break during November, because I was so busy with NaNoWriMo! (I hit 50k for my project! woo!) And then it just. Turned into more time. I was kind of scared that no one would be interested anymore/mad at me for not updating, which ironically kept me from updating for a while, but I'm just posting it now and that's it! Okay! Bye! Thank you!

_... Tuesday! _

 

**“BORED”.**

**Molly:** Good morning! 

**Lestrade:** Good morning!

**John:** Good morning. 

**Mycroft:** Doctor Watson, why do you always have to respond with a slightly less enthusiastic “good morning”? Is it pathological?

**Sherlock:** Hadn't you noticed until now? It's all part of the pattern.

**John:** Mycroft, why do you always have to come up with a witty response judging everything everyone says no matter how normal? 

**Sherlock:** I reckon it's pathological, but you're the doctor.

**John:** Yes, on second thought it might be.

_ …  _

**Lestrade:** He's shut up? 

Oh God, he has. 

Let’s hope this lasts at least 15 minutes

**Molly:** It's funny… If this was Sherlock you were talking about I would say you're being rude, but I'm sure Mycroft doesn't care much.

**John:** Who knows? Maybe it's hurt his feelings. 

**_…_ **

**Lestrade:** Hahahahahahaha 

“Feelings”

**Sherlock:** Why would it be different if it was me, Molly?

**Molly:** Well, Sherlock… you're more sensitive

**John:** You  _ do  _ have feelings. 

**Sherlock:** What have I been doing that led you to that conclusion, John? 

**Molly:** He's asking because he wants to stop doing it… Don't tell him

**Sherlock:** Molly! 

**Molly:** What?

**Sherlock:** Don't tell him.

**John:** Oh, “he” knows. And I won't tell you if you can't figure it out on your own, you clever detective. 

**Sherlock:** Oh, I will. 

Figure it out. I will figure it out. 

That's what I'm a detective for. 

So shut up and get that grin off your face.

**Lestrade:** Did he just freak because you insulted his intelligence? 

**Molly:** Cute

**John:** Sherlock. You can't see my face right now.

**Sherlock:** It's not cameras, John, don't look around in panic. 

**John:** How do you know I was looking around??

**Sherlock:** I just know you. 

Knowing people, that's a power Mycroft doesn't have.

**Molly:** That and your mind palace! 

**Sherlock:** True. Mycroft would break if he tried to focus on only one thing for +5 seconds.

**John:** At least he can multitask, right? 

**Sherlock:** I  _ can _ multitask. Whose side are you on? 

**Molly:** Hahaha

**Lestrade:** Speaking of that. Mind palace. 

It’s so pretentious. 

Does it have to be a palace?

**Sherlock:** What else would you compare my mind to? 

**Lestrade:** Uhh. Maybe a kitchen full of debris after a failed experiment.

**John:** Sounds right!

**Sherlock:** A  _ failed  _ experiment? 

**Lestrade:** See, Sherlock? You're sensitive enough to be offended by this

**John:** Well honestly, it’s not fair to compare his sensitivity with Mycroft's. Billy is more sensitive than Mycroft.

**Molly:** Billy?

Right, sorry, yes. The skull. Billy the skull.

**_…_ **

**_…_ **

**_…_ **

**Sherlock:** Why does it have to be a failed experiment? 

**Lestrade:** See? He’s still offended 

**Sherlock:** Not offended. 

**Lestrade:** Since you like percentages, tell me something, Sherlock. What's the percentage of experiments that you've done that came out wrong? 

**Sherlock:** An experiment having an unexpected outcome doesn't mean it's failed. The most interesting results often come from surprises. 

**John:** Like when you left a human brain in the cupboard where my tea mug goes for “science reasons”, and then said my reaction to it could be worth looking into for a social experiment? 

**Sherlock:** Exactly. Thanks, John, I'm glad you understand. 

**John:** I… don't. 

**Lestrade:** A human brain, really??

**Sherlock:** Yes, Lestrade. A human brain. We all have those in our skulls. I doubt it from time to time, when it comes to certain people, but it remains a scientific fact. 

**Lestrade:** Well, our skulls is where they should stay.

**Molly:** Yes, sure, but after you're dead they're fair game

**Lestrade:** “Fair game”, Molls?

**Sherlock:** I mean, come on, Lestrade. Don't behave so childishly. 

We've all held a human brain in our hands at some point of our lives, haven't we? 

**Molly:** Yeah

**John:** Regrettably. You made me hold it.

**Lestrade:** … No.

**Sherlock:** No? You should. It's an enlightening experience. 

**Molly:** Want to borrow one sometime, Greg? 

**Lestrade:** No! 

  
  


* * *

 

  
  


**Mycroft:** What an entertaining chat. 

Is D.I. Lestrade starting to realise that even his boring girlfriend is too strange for his mundane tastes? 

**Lestrade:** Why so interested in my relationship, Myke? Want to know if there's a vacant?

**Mycroft:** Dear God, no. 

I like seeing human relationships crash and burn sometimes. 

**Lestrade:** One, “human” relationships? What planet are you from? Can we send you back with an apology? 

Two, and  _ you  _ are the British government? 

**Mycroft:** Wouldn't you like the government to function efficiently without the interference of personal relationships? 

**Molly:** I know this has been said before, but wow, each day I understand a little more about the Holmes.

**Lestrade:** Sherlock, make your brother shut up.

**Sherlock:** Busy. 

**Lestrade:** What, all of a sudden? 

**Sherlock:** Yes.

**Lestrade:** Coward.

**Mycroft:** Do not fret, Detective Inspector, I am busy as well. 

**Sherlock:** Yes, we will all get a break from him today, Lestrade.

**Lestrade:** Ah! Good

**Mycroft:** Sherlock.

**Sherlock:** What?

**Mycroft:** What have you done?

**Lestrade:** What has he done? 

**Molly:** ???

**Sherlock:** Very broad question. I’ve done many things. 

**Mycroft:** Why would you say that, other than because you know I am going to be busy? 

**Sherlock:** Knowing things is sort of what I do, have you missed the memo?

**Mycroft:** No. This is something else. You have done something.

**Sherlock:** If you insist.

**Mycroft:** Oh, I will. 

And you, doctor Watson. 

**John:** What?

**Mycroft:** You are suspiciously quiet. 

**John:** I’m busy too, you know! 

**Mycroft:** Are we sure of that, doctor? Today is your free day. 

Again. You take too many free days.

**John:** Did you check that in a file just now, or did you already have my timetable memorised? 

**Mycroft:** Neither. One of my assistants reads it out to me every morning while I eat breakfast. 

**John:** I can’t even tell if that’s a lie.

**Mycroft:** Either way, no Sherlock without John, isn't that right?

Whatever you two have done, you’d better not cause a nationwide catastrophe, like last time. 

**Sherlock:** Which last time?

**Mycroft:** Goodbye. 

**Lestrade:** None of you are going to explain what he’s talking about, are you?

**Sherlock:** Not even he knows what he’s talking about, look at him. 

**Molly:** But are John and you going to cause a nationwide catastrophe? 

**Lestrade:** Please notify me if you are. Just want to get the donuts ready. 

**Molly:** … Huh?

**Lestrade:** I’m going to need energy and I haven’t had breakfast today.

**Sherlock:** Maybe, if we feel up to it. What do you say, John? 

**John:** God, I hope not. Busy right now, anyway.

And yes, I  _ am _ busy.

**Sherlock:** You are?

**John:** Looking for that stupid microscope you want!

**Sherlock:** You haven’t found it yet?

**John:** Your fault for being so specific! A bloke at one of the shops gave me a weird look. Tell me, what type of microscope is it, the psychopath model? 

**Sherlock:** Sociopath, in any case, John. 

**John:** Right. If you say so.

Also, I think I’m going to take the chance to buy something nice for Mrs. Hudson.

**Sherlock:** Her birthday was two weeks ago.

**Molly:** It doesn’t have to be someone’s birthday to get them something nice!

**John:** It’s sort of a present for having to deal with us… and the trouble we bring… and the mess that our little fight yesterday turned the flat into. I’ve been making Sherlock tidy up all morning, but I just thought Mrs. H. deserved a little something, too. She looked a little scared when it all happened.

**Lestrade:** A little? You should’ve heard her on the phone.

**Sherlock:** Bah. All of you are underestimating her.

**Molly:** Sherlock’s really… cooperative lately, isn’t he? If he agreed to tidy up...

**John:** It doesn’t  _ feel  _ cooperative when you’re the one threatening him five separate times, but yeah, now that you mention it, I guess lately he’s been a bit less exhausting to deal with, in that respect.

**Molly:** Why won’t you say something that’s just flat out nice about him, John?

**Lestrade:** It's funny. He would say so many nice things about him when they were first getting to know each other (remember all the “amazing”s?)... Then he realized that wouldn’t do Sherlock’s ego any good.

**Sherlock:** I don’t need anyone to say things I already know about me. And I’m not cooperative, I pride myself on being quite the opposite of that. Shut up.

**Lestrade:** Everything you’ve just said is a problem with your personality.

**Sherlock:** Busy. Goodbye.

**Molly:** What are you busy with, a case?

**John:** It's not a case, can't be.

**Molly:** How do you know that?

**John:** Yesterday I made him promise he wouldn’t solve any interesting cases (above a 7.4) without me.

**Lestrade:** Did that just come up?

**John:** He doesn’t tell me anything lately, so yeah, I brought it up.

People are giving me dirty looks for standing in the middle of a shop texting. So I guess I'll stop texting.

**Molly:** Good luck looking for Mrs. Hudson’s present and Sherlock’s extremely specific microscope!

**John:** Thanks!

**_…_ **

**_…_ **

**_…_ **

**Molly:** Oh, hey Greg?

**Lestrade:** Yes, Molls?

**Molly:** Was the brain thing weird? 

**Lestrade:** No, don’t worry.

**Molly:** A human brain is actually quite cool to hold.

**Lestrade:** Don’t ruin it.

**Molly:** Sorry.

**Lestrade:** I was joking, silly. 

No amount of holding human brains could make you any less appealing.

I’d draw the line at maybe eating them.

**Molly:** Hahaha, idiot.

I do  _ not _ do that, by the way. 

**Lestrade:** Good to know.

**Molly:** I mean, you never know, take a look at this group chat.

Sherlock once said the term “food” was debatable because thumbs would qualify as food for a cannibal.

**Lestrade:** You know what? You’re right

**Molly:** As always 

**Lestrade:** ;)

**Molly:** ;)

**Sherlock:** Get a private chat.

**Molly:** Oh Sherlock, don’t be as grumpy as your brother, now.

**Lestrade:** Yeah!

  
  


* * *

 

  
  
  
  


**John:** Anyone here know anything about colours? 

**_…_ **

**Lestrade:** Yeah, John, there are a couple. Red, green, blue. They’re those things on rainbows, for one.

**John:** I meant as in what colours go well with… other things. 

**Molly:** Well, I used to watch the Connie Prince show. Oh, it was a shame about her… I hadn’t thought about it in a while… 

**John:** Mrs. H. said something about liking purple, didn’t she? That it went well with her… something? 

**Molly:** Is this about her present? 

**Lestrade:** Just ask what you want to ask, John.

**John:** I might get her a blouse. She may have said something about wanting one, maybe. Sherlock? Do you remember that? Any help? 

**Molly:** Do none of you ever listen to her? And here I thought it was just Sherlock. 

**John:** I know, I know. I feel bad. But she starts happily chatting while we are trying to track down a vicious murderer, sometimes, so it’s hard to keep up with what she says.

_ *sends picture*  _

Is this what you would call pretty? 

**Molly:** Hahaha

**John:** It’s not? 

**Molly:** No, it’s nice, it’s just so funny that you speak like that. “What you would call pretty”

**Lestrade:** Maybe John with clothes is like Sherlock with… 

Well, you know

**John:** Humans? 

**Lestrade:** Yeah. Exactly.

**Molly:** The blouse is pretty, John, but that’s not exactly the purple she likes, I don’t think. It’s more mauve. 

**Lestrade:** Mauve? That’s purple.

**John:** Mauve? Then what does purple look like? 

**Lestrade:** Like that, John. That’s purple. 

**Molly:** No it’s not.

**Sherlock:** What an enriching conversation. John, do you want me to ask Mrs. Hudson? 

**John:** No!

**Molly:** No! 

**Sherlock:** What? Why? 

**John:** It’s supposed to be a surprise, Sherlock. 

**Sherlock:** Bah. Surprises are stupid.

**John:** _ *sends picture*  _ What about this one? Is it better? 

**Molly:** Too many frills. 

**Lestrade:** See, THAT’s mauve. 

**Molly:** No, excuse me but that’s lavender.

**Sherlock:** Oh, Good God.

**John:** What on earth are you two saying?

**Molly:** John, purple is like that one shirt Sherlock has. 

**John:** Oh. Yeah. 

**Sherlock:** Shirt, what shirt?

**Molly:** And mauve looks like this.  _ *sends picture*  _

**Mycroft:** Sherlock, answer my calls. 

**John:** I think I understand now. 

**Sherlock:** What purple shirt? 

**Molly:** Your purple shirt. Seems to be a popular choice in your wardrobe, you should know which one we mean. 

What happened, Mycroft?

**John:** It’s just something we were joking about once, Sherlock. While you were examining a body at the morgue.

**Mycroft:** Sherlock, for the love of God.

**Lestrade:** What’s the matter, Myke? 

**Molly:** Yes, what is it?

**Sherlock:** What sort of jokes could my purple shirt possibly elicit? 

**John:** Many.

**Mycroft:** The matter is that my brother has possibly caused a nationwide catastrophe.

**Molly:** Well, John absent-mindedly commented that you seem to wear it a lot, and I agreed.

**Mycroft:** And now he and his  _ friends  _ are chatting about subtle differences in words that have no meaning and the fact that they both pay a lot of attention to what he wears.

**Molly:** And then I joked that it always looked like the buttons were about to violently burst. 

**Mycroft:** SHERLOCK. You let a man die, will you please say something?

**Molly:** What???

**Lestrade:** He what now?

**Sherlock:** Is it on the news already, or have your sources finally done their job well? 

**Mycroft:** Text me, Sherlock, privately. 

**Sherlock:** Don’t feel like it. 

**Mycroft:** Fine, then. 

You think you are very clever. Hiding all evidence that she left a message for you; pretending that you could never have known. But up here, the people who matter know who you are. And who she is.

**Sherlock:** “Up here” - that’s you, isn’t it? What will you tell them? That I was complicit in a homicide?

**Mycroft:** Oh, Sherlock… 

**Molly:** I’m getting scared. What is this about?? 

**Mycroft:** You two have heard nothing of this matter. You can start deleting the messages now. 

**Lestrade:** Sherlock, what have you done? 

**Mycroft:** Nothing. 

Nothing to save a man he was supposed to save, since he’s assigned himself the role of a hero, and all because of his ridiculous moral compass. 

You know all about his moral compass, don’t you, silent doctor Watson? 

**John:** No, not much, not really. I know what he allows me to know. 

But he has a moral compass. That’s good.

**Sherlock:** John had nothing to do with it, so don’t dare mention his name. 

**Mycroft:** Is that what scares you? That I will tell anyone it wasn’t just Sherlock Holmes, but Sherlock Holmes and his partner? 

**Sherlock:** John is more than that.

**Mycroft:** That’s what he was trying to say, was it not?

If he craves recognition so badly, he should gladly accept it when it is given to him.

**Sherlock:** He had nothing to do with it, Mycroft. I won’t say it again.

**Mycroft:** You will not need to. 

“Complicit in a homicide”? It could certainly look like that. 

But I won’t tell anyone such a thing. Of course I won’t. You can breathe easy now. 

**Sherlock:** I wasn’t worried. Just disappointed. 

**Mycroft:** No, I understand. You were not worried about yourself, but about doctor Watson. Don’t worry. If your name is ever brought up, I will make sure everyone knows for certain that John Watson is not clever enough to be involved.

But you, little brother, you were not disappointed. I am more disappointed than you have ever been, Sherlock, more than you could comprehend. 

This was a delicate matter that involved the whole country, and you decided that you’d rather play God, decide who should live and who should die. 

I just remembered something funny. Wait for me a minute.

“He was giving himself the power of life and death.” 

That’s off your blog, doctor, in regard to the first murderer the two of you encountered.

“It's not something I'll ever really understand and, to be honest, I'm not sure I ever want to understand it. To be that much of a psychopath. To be that above the rest of us. To be that dangerous. It's pretty terrifying.” 

Of course, you also said that “Sherlock, mad old Sherlock, he understood him.” 

He does as he pleases because he has the power to do so, and what are you? His toy soldier? I recommend you look for a new hero. 

**John:** I won’t need to, thank you.

**Mycroft:** Goodbye, then.

**_…_ **

**John:** Anyway, I think I’ll get Mrs. H. the first blouse. 

**Sherlock:** Are you really going to resume the conversation as usual? 

**John:** I’m not letting him decide when he wants there to be an awkward silence in the group chat. He does that a lot. 

A conversation in a group chat. Imagine trying to be the boss of that. At least when he shows up at the flat with his umbrella and his big boy suit he sounds more intimidating. 

**Sherlock:** He’s been lazy, lately. 

**John:** Yes he has. 

He could have still texted you privately, you know, it’s not like you saying you don’t feel like doing something has ever stopped him, or anyone. But he chose to do it here. 

Because he wants you to not have friends, or  _ friends,  _ the way he says the word. Or whatever it is he wants. I don’t really know.

I’m not letting him “shame” you for having a moral compass, either. 

And I’m not letting you play along with all of that, like you’re both twelve. 

**_…_ **

**Sherlock:** We couldn’t be both twelve. He’s seven years older than me.

**John:** You are an idiot, you know that? 

**Sherlock:** I know.

**John:** I mean what I’m saying.

**Sherlock:** I know. 

**John:** Good.

Okay, that’s it. I’ve said it all now.

**Sherlock:** Thank you.

**John:** You’re welcome.

**Lestrade:** Seven years older? That’s  _ old. _

**Sherlock:** And you’re surprised? Have you seen his hair? 

**John:** His lack thereof, more like.

**Sherlock:** Precisely.

**Molly:** I know we’re all choosing to ignore that whole conversation, but can anyone please explain what happened? 

**John:** Important bloke in the government. The Woman took care of his death, as a part of her little game. You’ll see it on the news. Or maybe not - depends on the British government. 

Also a terrible person who had done terrible things. Truly terrible, despicable things, the kind that make one’s stomach turn. People in positions of power do that sometimes.

Last night Sherlock asked me if I thought some people deserved to die, or if that was a “sociopath freak” thing to say. So we had a chat about that. 

And none of those three things have anything to do with each other. 

**Molly:** Ok. Thank you for explaining. 

**Lestrade:** Right.

**John:** Sherlock. 

**Sherlock:** Yes? 

**John:** I found your dear microscope. 

**Sherlock:** :) 

**John:** On my way home now. 

**Sherlock:** No, don’t come home yet. 

**John:** What? Why not? 

**Sherlock:** I’m not done cleaning.

**John:** Sherlock. 

You’ve spent all day cleaning the mess in the flat and you’re still not done?! 

**Sherlock:** I got distracted. 

**John:** By what, exactly?

**Sherlock:** I found my binoculars behind the fridge by chance and I spent about four hours watching the new people who just moved into the building opposite ours. I am 98.6% sure that the daughter is a drug dealer.

**Molly:** I have so many questions.

**John:** Mrs. H. doesn’t deserve a blouse. She deserves a new car, a paid vacation in The Bahamas and the entire world. 

**Sherlock:** I can offer two of those things. But maybe I’ll wait until her next birthday. 

  
  


* * *

 

  
  


**“John”.**

_ Status: Online. _

**John:** Where are you? 

**Sherlock:** You’re supposed to guess. 

**John:** Am I? How? 

**Sherlock:** Use that brain of yours, it can’t be all me. 

**John:** The dinner is still warm. 

But Mrs. H. was soundly asleep… or at least that’s what I assumed when I heard her snoring. 

**Sherlock:** She really snores a lot. 

**John:** Didn’t sound fake. She tried to fake snore once, it sounded like a donkey.

**Sherlock:** Correct.

**John:** The food doesn’t look like takeout either, it’s too messy. 

**Sherlock:** Is it? Sorry. 

**John:** So you really made it?

**Sherlock:** Yes, but that’s not what you were supposed to guess. 

**_…_ **

Well? Keep on texting. 

**John:** Oh, okay. 

Everything is very clean. 

Smells an awful lot like cleaning products, too, once you walk a few steps away from the food.

That wasn’t Mrs. H. either, it really was you. She doesn’t use that much product. You used enough to cover up the smell of a rotting corpse. 

There’s not a rotting corpse in the flat, is there? 

**Sherlock:** John, please. 

**John:** That’s not an answer. 

**Sherlock:** No, John, no rotting corpse in the flat. 

I can hear your steps along the hallway. They’re funny. Very hesitating.

You opened the wrong door. 

**John:** You could’ve cleaned the bathroom too, just saying. 

**Sherlock:** I didn’t have enough time. 

Wrong door again.

**John:** What are those bags in your room? 

**Sherlock:** Well, you might as well smell them, since you’re smelling everything like some sort of... police dog, today. 

**John:** What an eloquent comparison. 

That’s. Nauseating. 

Is it the body parts? 

The ones that were in my closet?

**Sherlock:** Well done.

**John:** You’re finally throwing them away?

**Sherlock:** I’m just classifying them. 

**John:** Right. 

**Sherlock:** Classifying them away from your room. 

**John:** Yeah, okay, very considerate. 

**Sherlock:** Ah, you’re getting close. 

**John:** If you really are where I think you are… 

**Sherlock:** Where do you think I am? You’re taking a long time.

**John:** In my closet?

**Sherlock:** Ah, yes. Clever dog. 

I’ve heard you say “piss off”, you know.

**John:** Piss off. 

**Sherlock:** Well, come quickly. I’m stuck and the dinner must be getting cold. 

**John:** You’re  _ stuck?  _

**Sherlock:** Your closet is tiny. Maybe it’d be more comfortable for you, because you’re so short, but it certainly isn’t for me. 

**John:** I know where you’re going to hide my body when you murder me, now. 

**Sherlock:** Don’t be stupid, I’d chop you up in little pieces. 

**John:** So you’re saying you  _ need _ my help to get you out of my closet? 

**Sherlock:** Yes. That is exactly it. What? Why are you repeating it? 

**John:** So I could keep you there for my own entertainment until you manage to get out? How interesting.

**Sherlock:** It wouldn’t be as funny as you’re figuring, you know. 

**John:** Would you have stayed there all night if I hadn’t figured out where you are? 

**Sherlock:** My original plan was to jump out in an attempt to startle you. 

**John:** Ha. 

Sherlock Holmes, jumping out of rubbish bins and closets since… how long have you been doing that for fun? 

**Sherlock:** Stop texting and get me out. We’ve got to have dinner. I can hear your stomach. You’re hungry.

**John:** Wait, tell me something first. 

**Sherlock:** This qualifies as torture, John. 

**John:** What is this all about? 

**Sherlock:** What is what about? 

Making food and getting the body parts out of your closet? 

**John:** And “hiding” in it. 

**Sherlock:** And hiding in it. 

I was bored. 

**John:** Stop using that excuse. Why are you being nice? Did you do something I don’t know about?

**Sherlock:** This is being nice to you? 

**John:** Yes, I suppose it is. 

You made me dinner. Again. Made us dinner, actually. 

And you finally listened to me about the body parts. 

You’ve even cleaned my room, too? That’s nice, even despite the smell.

**Sherlock:** Ah, that’s why you’ve opened the window. 

So it is nice. A nice thing to do.

**John:** Yes. 

**Sherlock:** Objectively? 

**John:** Sherlock. 

**Sherlock:** There’s your answer. That’s what it was about. Being nice. 

**John:** Like an experiment? 

**Sherlock:** Sort of. 

**John:** Okay, I see. 

So surprises are stupid, then, right? 

**Sherlock:** Well, a surprise is a bigger surprise coming from someone who said surprises are stupid.

**John:** I’ll get you out now. 

**Sherlock:** Finally! 

**John:** If the dinner doesn’t taste good I’ll trap you in there again. 

**Sherlock:** You wouldn’t. 

**John:** I was a soldier, you know. 

Oh, I thought you’d said “you couldn’t”. 

**Sherlock:** And you say I show off, Mr. Soldier. 

**John:** Wait, one last question. 

**Sherlock:** God, have mercy.

**John:** What was with the candles on the table? 

**Sherlock:** Didn’t you see? The light fitting broke.

**John:** Oh. 

Okay, yeah. That’s right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading, especially if you used to read it before I disappeared lol! Comment if you liked it and what you'd like to see next, if you want!


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